How do you ever get over the loss of a friendship?

[Rewy]

It’s been 14 years now and I still dream about my ex friend and cry when I remember her and what I’ve lost. When we lost touch We never argued but we did (I feel ) lose respect for each other . I have reflected on my own behaviour in the decline of the friendship and I can see that I wasn’t a brilliant friend as in the sense that I was battling undiagnosed mental health conditions. And so wrapped up in raising my children that I didn’t allow enough time for the friendship or appreciate her enough. I regret that immensely. I feel that we weren’t honest with each other and in the end just annoyed one another.
I did try and contact her some years ago just to say that I hoped she was doing ok and that I thought about her often. I didn’t really expect a reply and I certainly didn’t receive one.
I just can’t forget about her. I miss her.

Or should that say recovered ?

I fell out with my best friend I'd known since 11 when I was 21. I cried for months after the argument we had. I still think about her sometimes. It's been 16 years now. I've never had a best friend since.

I fell out with my best friend and after several years decided to write her a heartfelt email explaining how I missed the friendship etc and just wrote it with the expectation of not receiving a reply, more to get it out of me so I could move on.
I sent it, and received no reply, however several years after that she reached out and our friendship has been rekindled, not as strong as it was but we have been chatting and keeping in contact again for almost a year.
If you feel you have things to say, I recommend saying them without the expectation of a response. Because even before I received eventual contact I was glad I had said it all.

I think BFF are from a specific bonding experience when you are younger. I have 3 - one from school, one from uni and one from my first job - that I really bonded with. Each of them have had their ups and downs over the decades when each of our respective lives have gone in different directions. One of the friendships we fell out big time in our late 20’s but got together again for my 40th - so similar gap to you.

Does she live nearby? Are you likely to bump into her? Could you invite her to something? Do you know anything about her life since or if she even got your original message?

I have also made more newer friends through work, kids school, neighbours, hobbies etc. I probably spend more actual time with these newer friends and I am open and authentic - but I sort of hold back because I don’t want them to be so intense and my life is so busy with my own 4 young adult kids.....

So I am kind of saying that I am not sure you make those types of friendships again later in life.

No she lives half an hour away but not likely to ever bump into her. One of my recent dreams was about bumping into her. The dreams have been more frequent recently.
I’m sure that she received my original message.

So I am kind of saying that I am not sure you make those types of friendships again later in life

That makes a lot of sense. I berate myself for being unable to hold down a friendship without it crashing and burning.

The reality is I have tended to befriend people who I've needed and they've needed me (school, first house share, first baby, toddler years, crazy family life years and a couple of intense work friendships that have fallen into one of the aforementioned).

Now, I'm in my 40s and don't have the shared experience other than with my OH. We concentrate on socialising together and with family.

I have 2 long distance friendships that have stayed the course but we've never been as intense as BFFs.

I miss having the closeness, I miss what I had with my last friend. I thought I missed her but realised it was the friendship I actually missed.

Have you thought about it that way OP - is it the person or the closeness and intensity of the friendship you're mourning?

Eurgh - dreams. I hate dreaming about people that are no longer in my life. Last night was about an ex, it's stayed with me all bloody day. I've had them about the ex friends too, it's always about them coming for me and making my loved ones see how awful a human being I truly am. Stupid brain!

Yes I do miss the friendship as I’m bit of a Billy no mates now I’m older. School gate friendships have fizzled our now kids are older. You don’t meet at the gates in Secondary. But she really was my BFF. She got me. She got my humour.

I know what you mean about the dreams and usually I feel the same way. Like it’s a waste of a dream but I was so happy to see her again in my dream even though she initially blanked me In it. I wanted to go back to sleep to see her again.
God I sound ridiculous.

I miss having the closeness, I miss what I had with my last friend. I thought I missed her but realised it was the friendship I actually missed.

@ThunderPython - that’s a really good point.

There was also a thread a few weeks ago about making new friendships as you get older and the conclusion was to aim lots acquaintances as people’s lives are already packed full.

Do you know anything about her life OP - has she had her own children now? Is there something you could approach her on? Also even if you did reconnect it would be v different and I would imagine distant.

If you know that you won’t be friends again then all you can do is accept and adapt. Accept that was a fun, intense chapter in your life and adapt by filling the gap with new friends.

I still miss a friend I fell out with (my fault) 14 years ago too. We left things OK but I never heard from her again. She had already drifted from me and was in a good place to my not so good one, which was part of the problem. I lashed out then apologised, damage done! It still bothers me but less so as the years go by and I have kids and a family and new friends. I am not sure what I would achieve by writing to her though I have thought about it. I actually can't imagine she thinks about me at all, as she is the type to make lots of great friends at every stage of life. We had brilliant fun together - but it was a long time ago now. I know how much it hurts to lose a friend though.

No, you don't sound ridiculous at all.

The other day something random up and I thought... oh 'friend' would get this, her and I had a similar experience! I had no one to share it with but her and it hurt I couldn't. Only she would've understood about this thing.

I know that she has 2 children now and I imagine like most people her life has been up and down.
Perhaps the reality of rekindling a friendship if she would even consider , would be very different in reality. Life changes people.
I don’t know how to make new friends as I don’t mix much .

One of my recent dreams was about bumping into her

I've had that dream so many times. Different locations but the same thing; we bump into each other, it's awkward for just a few moments then we talk like normal and have a lovely time together.

DH was so angry with her for the way she behaved at the wedding last year blanking me after I thought we had made up. I'm shit at being angry though. I just got sad again

DappledThings - that does sound particularly cruel. Perhaps intentional. I’m sorry you experienced that

I am past the school gates mates scene now and I must admit the newer friendships I have made since are much more simple and equal. I am also much more myself rather than someone’s Mum......and that school Mum stuff was v intense and competitive on reflection - a relief not to be in that circus again.

I would encourage you to make contact for a one off catch up again - something light hearted with no expectations of resuming a deep friendship where it left off. It worked for me. I also have another friend who made contact with me 3 years ago and I do plan to respond and meet up at some point (she lives far away) when I am in that part of the country.

Apologies for the long delay in replying gutterton .

I’m glad that you have had the opportunities to rekindle your lost friendships.
I’m still toying with the idea of perhaps writing or sending a message to my ex friend. It’s just so scary that the chances are she will not reply. I just feel that I would like her to know that I will never forget her and the good times we had. And for her to know that I will always be here for her should she ever want to reach out .

Im in the same position with a best friend of 20 years. She has completely distanced herself and i have no idea why.

Given my current position if I were you I would be having a conversation with your friend. Something I wish I had done myself.
Do it while you have the opportunity.

I'm another one who's suffered the loss of a friendship that I thought was forever. We'd stuck together through me having children and her not, her remarriage, my moving away, my remarriage.... and then she accused me of something - she was never specific about what and to this day I have no idea, and it all went to pot. We stopped communicating completely. We used to chat on the phone (due to distance) at least a couple of times a week and I miss that. It meant she wasn't there when my marriage failed badly, I was beside myself with grief, and all I wanted was to talk to her.

It's been nearly twenty years now since we last spoke. I'm very findable through my work, so I know she could contact me if she wanted to and I have to accept that she just doesn't want to, and that's hard.

I think that when you get back in touch it’s important to have expectations that it may just be a one off catch up or a v different lighter RS and to make sure that the approach makes this clear.

So it could be presented as a light touch opportune contact eg “I will be in x place next month for a meeting, would love to catch up for a quick coffee / drink if you are around”

Zaphodsotherhead - Have u considered initiating contact ? Do you think that she may have been unwell or perhaps projecting something onto you ?

Gutterton - If I did at some point make contact with her then I would most definitely try and ensure that it was like that. However it still would leave me worrying about the probable rejection.

You mentioned that you've had therapy, is there anyway you could discuss this issue and then make a decision? I'm all for you trying again, maybe with a heartfelt letter but at the same time I would be wary of how a rejection would make you feel. I've been through this and was terribly hurt for a long time but I've come to terms with it. You also sound like you need to make new friendships, this has worked for me. Best of luck

Well it’s all about taking a chance.

If you never take a punt then you will be 100% sure that you will never see her again.
And that must hurt now every day.

If you take a punt you she may respond.
If she doesn’t respond it will just hurt like it does right now and then you would need to “accept and adapt” and once you have drawn a line under it you can move on.