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Relationships

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Original poster

Spending too much time with DP

93 replies

500Teapots · 06/03/2020 11:42

DP and I both work from home. We live together, and have been together for just under 2 years.

He works PT on a small business of mine (Etsy shop) and I work FT on a different, much more demanding business (which I'll freely admit is likely making me grumpy).

Both of us are introverts and, with the exception of walking the dog, there can be days, sometimes weeks, at a time when neither of us will leave the house.

More recently I've been taking a class one night a week, and he has a club another night of the week - so we get a couple of hours to ourselves then.

DP really hated his job so, when I moved in, we decided he'd take over my hobby business which keeps him busy about 12-18 hours a week in the "workshop" spare room and more or less matches his old FT admin salary.
In short - he is, to some extent, financially dependant on me as I'm his "employer". If he were to stop doing this, he'd end up going back to a low-paid admin job he hated.

I love him to pieces and we never ever argue, there are no distinct "problems" or "issues" with the relationship in a typical sense, but I'm worried that I take the whole thing for granted a bit.
Our job situation means we can do what we like, when we like - so time spent together never really feels particulaly special or meaningful. We are constantly around one another (think 24/7) and as time goes on I find it quite draining.

I'm not so sure whether I've explained it properly at all, but if anyone understands what I'm rambling on about I'd really appreciate any thoughts or advice.
Right now all I can think of is asking him to get a job outside the house (which he'd do in a heartbeat because he's lovely) but that seems mean as hell considering the only reason is because I want some space to myself

OP posts:

Jane1978xx · 06/03/2020 11:48

Could you hire a work space somewhere for your job so you are out of the house ? Also you prob need to find more things to do together and apart to get out of the house. Even if that’s gym or swimming etc

Original poster

500Teapots · 06/03/2020 11:50

We have been talking about taking a membership at a nearby gym (WFH has made me gain weight )

Hiring a workspace may be a bit harder - I work about 12 hours a day so if I left the house, I'd just never be home.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 06/03/2020 11:51

If he's only working half-time on your business, what is he doing for the rest of the time? Surely he could get another part-time job? That would get him out of the house for a bit, at least.

You need some adult company, though. As a PP said, could you possibly rent some space so that you get to leave the house every day?

Original poster

500Teapots · 06/03/2020 11:54

@HollowTalk he's renovating the house, we're due to emigrate in the next couple of months

OP posts:

Aloe6 · 06/03/2020 11:58

If you’re going to emigrate it seems silly to make him find a new job for the sake of two months. What are your work plans once you leave? Will it be the same setup of so much time together?

Herocomplex · 06/03/2020 11:59

So things are going to change shortly anyway? Will you be in each other’s pockets even more when you move?

You sound quite unhappy with yourself (body image) and your work (too much pressure), would you prefer to be doing your hobby business? Are you feeling a bit resentful of him, in a way?

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 06/03/2020 12:05

You need to get out more. The solution is not to tell him he needs to find a different job just so he's out of your way. Go do things outside of the home, not just together but on your own.

HollowTalk · 06/03/2020 12:16

I think the fact you are emigrating changes everything!

Will you know people in your new country?

Will you both continue with self-employment when you move?

Would you rather being doing the hobby job?

Original poster

500Teapots · 06/03/2020 12:18

It's going to get 10 x worse when we emigrate - as the hobby business is going to a family member and DP will be unemployed.
We're moving because my main business is based in the UAE.
DP is very concerned about the move because he doesn't know what he's going to do with himself, and has only worked in admin - which are very low paid, long hour jobs over there. (And he wouldn't need to work as I'd cover us both financially).

The solution is not to tell him he needs to find a different job just so he's out of your way

Oh i know, I said that tongue in cheek really.

Are you feeling a bit resentful of him, in a way?
Maybe a tiny bit? I'm feeling the burden a bit. Because my income is quite high, there's no need for him to work - especially as he really hated his job and it was paid so poorly. He doesn't drive, so that limits him as well. I feel like a huge bitch because he's so lovely and it would kill him if he thought I had any negative feelings about the set up.

OP posts:

pumpkinpie01 · 06/03/2020 12:19

So if he is renovating the house and earning enough money from part time work why should he look for something else if its only for a couple of months? He cant be out of the house and renovating it at the same time .

pumpkinpie01 · 06/03/2020 12:21

I do think you need to get out of the house more thou, visit places at the weekend, go for meals, do you have friends you van do things with too so its not just the two of you all the time ?

Original poster

500Teapots · 06/03/2020 12:21

Will you know people in your new country? - Nope, not a soul - neither of us. We're moving because my business is based there and it makes (a lot) more financial sense. At least for the next couple of years.

Will you both continue with self-employment when you move? I will, he won't. We can afford for him not to work, but neither of us have figured out what he'll be doing with his time. He doesn't drive, so that makes PT work outside the house quite challenging. Volunteering isn't really a thing there. He doesn't have a career path he's passionate about, so retraining wouldn't really be a great option.

Would you rather being doing the hobby job? - Yes and no. I enjoy making things which is the aspect of the job he does. I do most of the admin/management stuff for it.

OP posts:

Splitsunrise · 06/03/2020 12:22

Eh, if you’re emigrating things are about to change a lot anyway! I would just find more things to keep you busy out of the house for now, and don’t make him get a new job for the sake of a few months!

Original poster

500Teapots · 06/03/2020 12:22

So if he is renovating the house and earning enough money from part time work why should he look for something else if its only for a couple of months?

Sorry, I don't think I explained myself well. I don't think he should go look for something else.

OP posts:

Splitsunrise · 06/03/2020 12:23

Err so you’ll be entirely financing his lifestyle? Are you sure you’ve thought this through properly? Even if you can “afford” it, shouldn’t he still look for a job/training etc?

Original poster

500Teapots · 06/03/2020 12:26

Err so you’ll be entirely financing his lifestyle? Are you sure you’ve thought this through properly? Even if you can “afford” it, shouldn’t he still look for a job/training etc?

That's definitely a question that I have.
He has contributed a large portion of the house deposit (about 30% of the house value) so it's not like he's relied/relying entirely on me.
We're moving because of me and my business...

I'm stuck because if he doesn't need to work or train, and doesn't have something he actively wants to work in/train in - should he then have to just because?

OP posts:

MorningNinja · 06/03/2020 12:29

You say he's not passionate about anything so retraining wouldn't be an option. I'd have to tell him to find something to be passionate about or at least interested in and retrain in that.

What would happen if the rug was pulled from under your feet in 5/10 years time. I'm surprised that he isn't taking this golden ticket to progress his career. It's a lot for you to shoulder on your own.

DesLynamsMoustache · 06/03/2020 12:30

Does he want to work? Some people find not working and not having that kind of purpose quite soul-destroying, after the initial excitement and novelty wears off. Does he want to just sit at home and do nothing?

Aloe6 · 06/03/2020 12:31

I'm stuck because if he doesn't need to work or train, and doesn't have something he actively wants to work in/train in - should he then have to just because?

If he’s fit and healthy then for the sake of his independence, self-esteem and all the other benefits of working he should keep his hand in somewhere in some type of job.

You may also come to resent being the sole provider in time.

Herocomplex · 06/03/2020 12:32

Are you married? Won’t it be problematic for you to live together in UAE if you’re not?

HollowTalk · 06/03/2020 12:35

But what does he plan to do with himself, then? There won't be many guys over there who can't drive and don't work. What does he think he'll do in the daytime?

dontgobaconmyheart · 06/03/2020 12:38

It all sounds depressing and a bit codependent OP. It's like you've taken on a child that you now see as a sort of dependent. If he is well there is absolutely no reason at all he needs to be working part time- you've only been together two years which is very little and your finances have little to do with him.

I can't understand why either of you would be happy with this set up. If feel awful if my only role in the day or my working life was part time on etsy running my FP's business (presumably not in my name even) because my DP can provide for us, and we both stay at home all day long. He needs to look at full time roles, get a qualification, go back into study and find something to do with his life and regain his independence learn to drive. You need to stop before you become his mother. He needs to buck up and find his own career trajectory, it's not for you to prompt ans cultivate that, you sound like you offer more than enough support already. He doesn't sound that lovely OP he sounds lazy and a bit wet and like he knows which way his bread is buttered so doesn't bother. He can do next to nothing and his lifestyle is sorted and you accept any and all excuses as to why he cant apparently get anything about himself and form an adult life of his own. I couldn't find that attractive.

This will be far worse when you emigrate. I would leave him behind and ask him to visit when he's saved up to do so- he wouldnt bother, I bet.

BobbyBlueCat · 06/03/2020 12:39

You've said you're moving because it makes sense for your job and you will earn enough to cover both of you.

So he has plenty of time to learn to drive.
He also has plenty of time to learn a new skill / trade / qualification. Either online or at a local college/evenings class etc.

And he can get a job over there.

Just because he doesn't NEED to work doesn't mean he SHOULDN'T work.

You've said the move is only for a few years. So he needs to be doing something during that time so that when he comes back here he has something to offer an employer.
It'll also help him meet people over there.
And help with your relationship.

Original poster

500Teapots · 06/03/2020 12:40

I agree completely and have said as much to him.
There's a lot in the air at the moment (the developers who sold us our house abroad are causing issues, among other things) so I've not pushed it too hard. He gets very anxious trying to figure out what he's going to do with himself whilst we're there.

From his perspective:

He worked hard in a pretty soulless full time admin role for about 8 years before meeting me. He bought his house, with help from his parents, pretty young and is not a big spender so was quite content with working an admin job at £17k a year, was due to pay off his (reasonably small) mortgage by age 40 or so. He hadn't travelled much, is a bit of a home-body etc etc

Then I come clattering in, my previous job had me travelling globally, my salary was much higher than his. I was running multiple businesses, not actually a big spender either, but ambitious to try new things, go to new places and definitely live life with a bit of a "FOMO" style outlook.

He hated his job (it really was very hideous), so I suggested he take over my small business which pays the same but is half the hours. I then set up a new business, based in the UAE where I used to work, which makes a fair whack. In order to run it properly, I need to be based in that country. So we make the decision to move there - 100% for me and my business.

He's gone from living a nice, settled quiet life to suddenly emigrating from everything he knew.

It's not that he's lazy, it's not that he doesn't want to contribute - he would be happy living off min wage, but to facilitate my "career" we're moving where he can't really do that.

OP posts:

crimsonlake · 06/03/2020 12:40

This started off about the 2 of you spending too much time together and how to resolve this. You should not have missed out the part in your initial post whereupon you are both emigrating in a couple of months and things will get worse. You need to forget the next 2 months and concentrate on the future...I do not think this has been thought through enough about what he will do in the future. Seems as if he is just following your lead...

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