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Original poster

Spending too much time with DP

93 replies

500Teapots · 06/03/2020 11:42

DP and I both work from home. We live together, and have been together for just under 2 years.

He works PT on a small business of mine (Etsy shop) and I work FT on a different, much more demanding business (which I'll freely admit is likely making me grumpy).

Both of us are introverts and, with the exception of walking the dog, there can be days, sometimes weeks, at a time when neither of us will leave the house.

More recently I've been taking a class one night a week, and he has a club another night of the week - so we get a couple of hours to ourselves then.

DP really hated his job so, when I moved in, we decided he'd take over my hobby business which keeps him busy about 12-18 hours a week in the "workshop" spare room and more or less matches his old FT admin salary.
In short - he is, to some extent, financially dependant on me as I'm his "employer". If he were to stop doing this, he'd end up going back to a low-paid admin job he hated.

I love him to pieces and we never ever argue, there are no distinct "problems" or "issues" with the relationship in a typical sense, but I'm worried that I take the whole thing for granted a bit.
Our job situation means we can do what we like, when we like - so time spent together never really feels particulaly special or meaningful. We are constantly around one another (think 24/7) and as time goes on I find it quite draining.

I'm not so sure whether I've explained it properly at all, but if anyone understands what I'm rambling on about I'd really appreciate any thoughts or advice.
Right now all I can think of is asking him to get a job outside the house (which he'd do in a heartbeat because he's lovely) but that seems mean as hell considering the only reason is because I want some space to myself Blush

OP posts:
tenlittlecygnets · 06/03/2020 21:42

Doesn't he bore you? He's 40 with no passion or drive and still doesn't know what he wants to do??

You sound bright, capable, motivated. He sounds ... dull. You sound totally unsuited!

Agree it will be a disaster if you emigrate and he has no job or anything to do there.

He needs some oomph...

Original poster
500Teapots · 06/03/2020 21:48

He's 30.

He does suffer from depression, and he is lovely and we do have fun.

OP posts:
puds11 · 06/03/2020 21:55

Are you happy with someone who seems to have a total lack of ambition?

Gutterton · 06/03/2020 22:14

I am having a claustrophobic panic attack just reading this thread.

He sounds as dull as ditchwater.

You sound like you took him on as a project that hasn’t delivered.

Where is the partnership / drive / vitality in this RS?

Where is his agency in all of this? Why did he stay in a boring job for 8 years as a single young 20 year old?

Why is he not leading this / making decisions? Sounds like you have given him many opportunities and options but he is just not picking up?

Maybe someone of his temperament was actually content living his small little life?

When did the depression start?

Tweennightmare · 06/03/2020 22:44

I Know Dubai well And I really worry for your partner/future husband .You are potentially moving in May temps av 40c and don’t drop until October . Both living and working in the same flat/house .
You are already sick of seeing each other in the UK where at least it is physically possible to get out what are you going to do when you both can’t get out because it is too hot! Agree with all previous posters you need to steer your partner to have some future game plan wether it is studying, training setting up his own business . He is only 30 he needs some direction and Dubai/Abu Dhabi are both soulless and very difficult to integrate into unless you find your tribe.

Musti · 07/03/2020 09:52

He is basically a house husband which is a role that women have done for many years. Supporting their spouse and their careers and moving to where it makes career and financial sense.

As long as you're both happy then I don't see the problem. He will probably be bored stiff once you move so training as something would be good - personal trainer or a degree or maybe even as an english teacher out there?

The4thSandersonSister · 07/03/2020 10:42

Sounds like a great House Husband, but I think the fact you will be working from home also just means your taking the same issues you have right now with to another country.

He/you will be even more socially isolated as well as all the issues that come with living in an unfamiliar country and in a small expat community. If you are both introverts you are both likely not to leave the house than you would be in the UK.

chatterbugmegastar · 07/03/2020 10:55

I also would never, ever have to worry about him cheating, lying or leaving.

Hmm

But imo before long you are going to get VERY VERY VERY bored with his passive, supporting, sub (sexually too??) role in your life.

He sounds wet and pathetic to me Blush

Clymene · 07/03/2020 10:56

Musti - housewives generally do childcare. And typically take responsibility for other domestic things

I don't think this bloke is doing that is he?

Tulipstulips · 07/03/2020 12:47

The Etsy shop can't be moved to the UAE (mostly UK customers who wouldn't pay the shipping) so he'd be leaving it to move with me

If you can afford for him not to work, can you afford to take a hit with the shipping so that UK customers won’t see much of an increase? Then he could carry on doing the part time craft job he enjoys and the business would keep going for when you both eventually return.

Lllot5 · 07/03/2020 12:59

Sounds to me as if he has it cushy.
I think this will get very draining very quickly.
We all all wish we could fanny about part time on a ‘hobby business ‘ while someone else did the hard yards.
If this were me I would be resentful very quickly.

Booberella9 · 07/03/2020 13:10

"Depression"

Er ok so what help is he accessing for that? Or is that just his life long ticket not to take responsibility for his own life? Meds is not enough. Therapy, exercise, diet changes, meditation etc.

Sounds like he never cut the apron strings and you are now his substitute mother.

Which would be fine if you were happy in that role but sounds like you're sick of it now.

ChainsawBear · 07/03/2020 13:13

This whole thing smacks of disaster. You've been together 2 years, you're already very financially enmeshed and he's dependent, he's passive and has no drive or direction, you're already getting on each other's nerves in the same house. And now he's about to follow you to live an even more restricted life in the UAE?

This whole paragraph:
But I love him, we get on very well, we have the same political views, same sense of humour and we always have something to talk about. I also would never, ever have to worry about him cheating, lying or leaving.

...is very telling. Especially the last sentence. You don't have compatible drives or values. As PP said you describe him as a loyal pet, basically. And unless you've personally implanted a chip in his brain, he's as capable of cheating, lying, or leaving as any human being. He sounds like a human manifestation of your insecurity about your own drive and ambition; you feel you have nothing to offer other than doing everything and paying for everything, and you think he's a safe bet because he'll basically do what you tell him.

It would be one thing if you met someone who had a strong "caretaker" drive, who took care of you and kept all the other plates spinning while you built the business. But he's just sort of a wet blanket. On one side or other, the resentment will grow. You for doing and deciding everything, him for you having all the power and drive and control and "patronising" him.

TheWordmeister · 07/03/2020 13:37

That sounds very limited and dull.

famousforwrongreason · 07/03/2020 13:44

If he can’t drive and can’t really work and is introverted his life is going to absolutely SUCK in UAE. Seriously if you already have doubts about being with him 24/7 you need to have a serious talk about what his role will be over there. Sounds like a fast track to his depression and your deeper resentment.

Gutterton · 07/03/2020 13:48

Would you rather being doing the hobby job? - Yes and no. I enjoy making things which is the aspect of the job he does. I do most of the admin/management stuff for it.

Why didn’t he take on the admin/management stuff of the hobby business rather than you? Especially as that’s his professional skill set and he isn’t stretched doing 12hrs a week when you are doing 12hrs a day?

Did you post a thread on this a while back?

Frangipaniflower · 07/03/2020 13:53

I'm sure he can find some kind of work in the UAE but he will need sponsorship, I'm not sure you can sponsor your husband unless you are in teaching or medicine.

Serenschintte · 07/03/2020 13:56

Can he learn to drive? Or maybe not possible, health reasons etc
He could also do some research about men’s groups in UAE or expat volunteering.
I hope you manage to find a balance

category12 · 07/03/2020 14:26

Tbh, I think you should plan to have a workplace separate from your home when you emigrate, just a couple of days a week. A hot desk space somewhere would probably be ideal.

I'd also want to get him driving again - he needs to be independent.

CorianderLord · 07/03/2020 16:09

So he's a trailing spouse. Happens all the time with women. Is there nothing he's interested at all that he could try to learn? Making skateboards, writing a blog, painting, learning guitar ?

Zaphodsotherhead · 07/03/2020 22:01

I'm not sure why you have to relocate to UAE to work from home? Can't you do remote working via the internet if you're working from home anyway? (maybe I'm daft, but I can't understand relocating and working from home...)

PaterPower · 08/03/2020 08:20

I can’t see him enjoying UAE life long term (much past the initial 6 month settling in).

He won’t be able to work without a working visa and if he won’t drive then he’s going to be massively limited and reliant on you.

I think he’ll be bored out of his skull, and the close proximity in a flat will drive you (both) nuts.

PelicanPie · 08/03/2020 08:29

I can’t understand how either of you are happy living like this. He needs to learn to drive and retrain in something he is interested in. He won’t be able to do those things easily in another country. Neither of you have a social life friends or your own activities beyond one night a week. How can you stay in for weeks at a time? That’s would drive me crazy. You really need to think carefully about this move and your relationship.

Batqueen · 08/03/2020 08:37

I would have a conversation with him about what his focus is going to be after the move. Everyone needs something to give them some structure or meaning to their days and can easily become depressed if they don’t which is already a concern for him. It could be that he takes on the opportunity to explore what kind of ex-pat community there is out there for you both that isn’t too full on but gets you out Of the house, or researches interesting sights for you to see on your time Off.

FuchsiaBay · 08/03/2020 08:45

I’d be surprised if you make it to the six-month mark in Dubai, to be honest, OP. Anyone who’s a nervous driver will be (probably rightly) reluctant to get on Sh. Zayed Rd, there’s nowhere to nip out to on foot in most places and for large parts of the year it’s far too hot to be outdoors, and the methods of making friends available are really not likely to appeal to a depressed, unemployed introvert.

Where are you planning to live? More importantly, does he actually want to go?