Spending too much time with DP

[500Teapots]

DP and I both work from home. We live together, and have been together for just under 2 years.

He works PT on a small business of mine (Etsy shop) and I work FT on a different, much more demanding business (which I'll freely admit is likely making me grumpy).

Both of us are introverts and, with the exception of walking the dog, there can be days, sometimes weeks, at a time when neither of us will leave the house.

More recently I've been taking a class one night a week, and he has a club another night of the week - so we get a couple of hours to ourselves then.

DP really hated his job so, when I moved in, we decided he'd take over my hobby business which keeps him busy about 12-18 hours a week in the "workshop" spare room and more or less matches his old FT admin salary.
In short - he is, to some extent, financially dependant on me as I'm his "employer". If he were to stop doing this, he'd end up going back to a low-paid admin job he hated.

I love him to pieces and we never ever argue, there are no distinct "problems" or "issues" with the relationship in a typical sense, but I'm worried that I take the whole thing for granted a bit.
Our job situation means we can do what we like, when we like - so time spent together never really feels particulaly special or meaningful. We are constantly around one another (think 24/7) and as time goes on I find it quite draining.

I'm not so sure whether I've explained it properly at all, but if anyone understands what I'm rambling on about I'd really appreciate any thoughts or advice.
Right now all I can think of is asking him to get a job outside the house (which he'd do in a heartbeat because he's lovely) but that seems mean as hell considering the only reason is because I want some space to myself

I moved to the Middle East with my DP and didn't work for the first 6 months.. I absolutely loved the place but it was soul destroying, far far more than being jobless in the UK. Not being able to drive in the Middle East means you can't really go anywhere really, they don't have nice walks anywhere. He won't know anyone, everything will be unfamiliar.. I hope he can find a way to keep busy.

I'm a bit worried about the fact you say you never argue. That sounds to me as though one of you is suppressing quite a lot of issues (keeping quiet to keep the peace). Is it you? Are there things you'd like to bring up but don't, for fear of rocking the boat? Maybe he feels the same?

Sometimes an argument doesn't have to be an argument, it can be a 'frank exchange of views' and it's necessary in order for real, honest feelings to be expressed. It sounds to me a little bit like he's going along with you because you pay the bills and you're 'in charge'. Like he's just 'yessing' everything because he doesn't feel he has any real power in the relationship.

Maybe sit him down and ask him honestly, what he's intending to do when you move. Not what you are intending FOR him, but what he's going to do for himself. If he just sits passively and ask you what you want him to do - well, there's your problem.

He really needs to think about this for himself. It's not your problem to solve.

I find it frankly sinister that one of the best things that you can think of to say about him is that you never have to worry about him cheating, lying or leaving. I mean, the way you describe him, he wouldn’t have the energy, opportunity or enterprise for any of the three!

Do you really value someone’s fidelity if they’re only faithful because they literally don’t leave the house for weeks at a time?

I think he's getting a harsh response on here, I don't think I've explained him well at all.

For context - I could never be considered a stable/secure/grounded person: I'm very flighty, impulsive and can be quite fickle. I come across as confident, and my actions can be very confident and proactive, but I'm quite insecure and deeply anxious.
I'm in my late twenties, have had more than 60 jobs - the longest I've ever worked for an employer is 18 months. I'm full of ideas, rush to do things but not great with follow through. I distract easily.
The upside is I'm very flexible, very driven, creative, ambitious and generally do make a success of most things - I have several businesses, all of which are profitable (from a couple of hundred each month, through to tens of thousands each month).

It probably doesn't come as a surprise when I say that I did not have a stable childhood; my Dad flitted in and out of my life when it suited him, regularly failing to show up for visits and was aggressive, unsupportive and deeply unloving. My Mum is phenomenal, but had her own issues when I was growing up; mainly to do with money, her new husband and her new children (who are a lot younger than me). I went to 11 different schools.

DP is my rock - he's calm, patient, kind and understanding. He bends over backwords to help me in any way he can. He is always up for anything I suggest, but is grounded enough to slow me down if its needed. He takes on the bulk of the every day tasks (eg. cooking, the care of the dog etc) and actively enjoys being a "support role" - he is always offering to help with the businesses, tries to come up with solutions when I hit roadblocks, gives me space when I need it but makes it clear that he's there should I ever need support; whether that be emotional or practical.

We always have something to talk about, our opinions are almost identical and that's not because he agrees with everything - he can talk at length about his own opinions and views - which are almost always in line with mine. He is always up for doing something, even if he doesn't regularly come up with the ideas himself.

He had cancer in his early twenties, just after finishing University, which trashed his career plans (do to with his degree) and his hobby (bodybuilding and being a personal trainer) - he had depression too. Basically his self esteem was crushed, along with his physical capacities.

Now, I'm aware this is the BIGGEST drip feed - but in my defense, we massively went off piste from my original point - which was that I felt I took our relationship for granted because we currently live in each others pockets

I'm really grateful for all the advice, and I have taken it all on board and a few friends have read this thread and offered their own insights.

I'm going to go over the replies now - I just felt this all needed saying as DP is getting a really rough ride here.

So many spelling errors there. Sorry. I can spell, I promise.

@Gutterton

He sounds as dull as ditchwater.

He's not.

You sound like you took him on as a project that hasn’t delivered.
Not really, we got together and 4 weeks later I took a 6 month placement in Russia for work.

Where is the partnership / drive / vitality in this RS?
Whilst I probably hold the vast majority of drive, he does everything he can to support me

Where is his agency in all of this? Why did he stay in a boring job for 8 years as a single young 20 year old?
The cancer screwed up his life really, and I still think he's recovering from that. It was 8 years ago but it prevented him doing what he wanted for his job and took away his main hobby. A lot of his friends ditched him too.

Why is he not leading this / making decisions? Sounds like you have given him many opportunities and options but he is just not picking up?
I think considering his life had been so "normal" before, it's no mean feat to agree to up sticks and move abroad. He's not been as proactive as I'd like, but we've had a LOT of shit to deal with regarding this move (whole other story re the property, coronavirus, failing economy etc) that he's had a lot to distract him

Maybe someone of his temperament was actually content living his small little life? Yes. I think maybe he was. Though he was lonely and sad, I'm sure if I'd have been happy to plod along with him, he'd be very content.

When did the depression start? During University, made worse during the cancer and then never really left.

For all those saying about driving - we've now looked into refresher courses here and whilst he's not exactly looking forward to it, he is going to try.

Why didn’t he take on the admin/management stuff of the hobby business rather than you?
He does a little bit, but a lot of it was easier for me to do as I knew it. This is likely more my fault than his.

He won’t be able to work without a working visa
87% of the population are expats. Almost every job comes with a visa. My business could easily sponsor him.

I'm a bit worried about the fact you say you never argue
I'm using "argue" literally. We have debates, we don't just sit there agreeing with one another, but we've never spoken aggressively to one another.

@FuchsiaBay We've bought a house at Akoya Oxygen, if you know that area? It's nowhere near town; we're thinking he could drive to the nearest station and then get the train up and down where he needs to be.

I would have a conversation with him about what his focus is going to be after the move.
We have done a couple of times since this thread. He's looking into it a bit more now and is keeping a notebook for whenever he gets ideas.

I find it frankly sinister that one of the best things that you can think of to say about him is that you never have to worry about him cheating, lying or leaving
Not that we're not already HUGELY outed if anyone here knows us in real life but just to chuck in another fun fact.
My last boyfriend actually turned out to be a con - he stole about £12,000 off me. I had no idea what he was at the time. This was about 4 years ago and because I was completed blind sighted by it, I had/have some major trust issues. I think trusting someone completely actually IS one of the best things you can have in a relationship and is not to be unestimated.

I think I've hit the major points, I'm sorry if I've missed any out.
I'm very grateful for people's insight and, trust me, I've really been taking it all on board - I've had a rough time going through it and asking myself the honest questions.

I'm a bit worried about the fact you say you never argue.

Me and my fiancé have never argued in nearly 5 years. We talk loads, but we don’t argue by any means. We tend to have a lot of the same views on things, which probably helps; and neither of us have habits that tend to annoy the other person. I’ve never heard him raise his voice and I don’t, either.

I’m nearly 30 and I don’t tend to argue with people. I can’t remember ever really having any arguments. I like to talk things through, I like to consider my response. I don’t think it’s necessarily a red flag. Some people just aren’t arguers, some are.

Is that out on the Al Qudra road, past the polo club, or am I confusing it with somewhere else?

Is the house already bought? (Seems a bit precipitate!) If not, I’d reconsider and look into renting somewhere more central, where you can walk to a metro station. We lived in the Marina, where there were at least shops and cafes you could walk to — and the metro and the beach at JBR — I didn’t have a driving licence and was initially a trailing spouse, too, and while I’m both fond of my own company and socially confident, and was working on a book, I’d have gone quite mad if I’d had to rely on someone else to leave the house...

Your recent update of your life gave me another panic attack at the other end of the spectrum. You sound like a tornado crashing through. This hectic level of activity and abandoning projects, places and jobs is far from emotionally healthy and indicates that you are running and distracted from the unresolved trauma of your childhood. This isn’t sustainable.
Don’t bring children into this crazy before you have had some therapy to allow you to process your past, sit still with it and emotionally develop. He also needs to address his MH. Why is there an acceptance that being depressed for 10 years is OK and it will be like this forever. It sounds like you both feed off each other’s energy - his to being you down and him to whip him up - when you should be looking to develop the capacity to manage your own emotions. Seems that there is a bit of the drama triangle at play here.

to add to what others have said, I think you are emigrating to fulfil your need for adventure and change. You don't really need to move for your business if you will WFH in Dubai anyway. Meetings by skype etc. You are stuck in a rut with this man and you think the massive change of moving countries will give you that 'hit' of adrenaline that comes with a big change, that it will reinvigorate your life.

It won't for all the reasons PP have said. Isolation, boredom, codependency, lack of oomph etc. You should both work on your own issues independently and put this move on hold for a year or two.

I think trusting someone completely actually IS one of the best things you can have in a relationship and is not to be unestimated.

Agreed, but you misunderstand my point. By your account of him, your DP is trustworthy primarily because he doesn't leave the house for weeks at a time, is financially dependent on you, works in your spare room, you literally know where he is every minute of every day, and he has, by your account of him, no get up and go whatsoever. He changes jobs when you suggest it, he emigrates because it's your idea, you say he'd go and get a job outside the house again if you asked. Was moving in together your idea? Was marrying before you move to Dubai your idea?

I get that you have trust issues after your last boyfriend, but you seem to have reacted against this to the extent of choosing as a boyfriend a longterm depressed man who can't drive and simply has no opportunity to do anything, for good or ill, off his own bat, because he lacks the opportunity or the mental capability to do so. It feels not just as if you've chosen the ultimate 'safe bet', but as though you've deliberately chosen someone whose life exists entirely (financially, psychologically, geographically) inside yours.

I'm not trying to be unpleasant, because what you say about your relationship is genuinely concerning, but you do make him sound rather like a dog that never pulls at the leash but trots along reliably at your heels.

And your original post was about how you are now finding this continual proximity draining. But if this man had an independent job, independent friends, his own finances, and was able to drive -- he would have opportunities to be unfaithful, for instance.

I'm going to respectfully bow out now.
I'm not crazy/crazed, a tornado or unsuitable for a sustainable life. I think some firm judgements have been made on my lifestyle, DPs personality with too little information to warrant them.

I'm definitely unsuited to traditional employment, which I'm aware is a large flaw, however I recognised this a few years ago and chose to channel myself into a "portfolio career" so I could have multiple self-employments - this allows me to fulfil my need for diversity, but brings in a large and stable income. Particularly useful in a volatile economy.
I don't abandon projects (I'd have no business if I did) and the vast majority of those jobs (which should read 30 not 60 😱) were temporary placements - so it sounds worse than it is.

When it comes to emigrating, this was not a whim decision made because I have a desperate need for adventure: whilst the majority of work for the business can be done from home, I'd be in a much better situation to gain and retain clients if I were in the UAE as my whole client base is Middle Eastern. Plus, the business is based in the UAE and if I continued to manage it from the UK, HMRC would consider it a UK business and I'd not only pay the relevant income tax, but the business would be subject to corporation tax and UK VAT which would add up extremely fast - and considering all the business is out the country, just doesn't make sense.

I'm not against taking constructive feedback and I've genuinely taken a lot on board from this thread, and have made some RL actions on it - so thank you everyone on that.

Time will tell with DP and I, but after closer evaluation it seems that we balance each other well.

I think this isn't the place and if anything you need therapy. It's really hard to know what's going on and if he is happy or not too. He might be quietly getting on with renovations to please you.

Best of luck with the house and the move.

@Friendsofmine Thank you

Best of luck OP. Sounds like you’ve taken some good tangible actions out of this but are also happy making your own decisions!

Gosh you sound like a very interesting person and your bf sounds really nice. Good luck in UAE I’m sure you guys will work it out when you are there.