What are your dating standards requirements?

[katiie3]

During the dating phase, there are a lot of nerves and often you can let things slide whilst seeing each other.

1. how often do you expect to see your partner?
2. do you want him to make an effort with dates?

I have dated people who would make an effort to organise cute dates and go out together, and I have dated people who would only sit in-front of the TV with a takeaway for a 'date'.

The TV 'dates' did not last. Fizzled out on my side within weeks.

I am 'dating' someone who currently isn't making any effort to set up a date....and I'm not pleased with it, so it's probably going to fizzle out quite soon.

I want someone to make an effort with dates, and in the new phase of seeing someone I would be happy with twice a week for a few weeks.

I'm 5 months into a relationship and we live 2 hours away from each other. To answer your questions:

1. I expect to see him once a week, due to the distance - we keep in regular contact via whatsapp every day.
2. Yes I expect us to do something with our time together and whilst I don't mind TV dates with Netflix, I don't want to do that all the time. My ex got lazy and his idea of a 'date night' was lying on the sofa watching bloody Netflix..no effort to go out anywhere whatsoever. With my current chap, we go out to gigs, meet up with friends, go to the gym together, go out for a drink and a meal...it is quite refreshing to be with someone who is actually into being social. He's also quite in tune with me. I stayed with him last weekend and we had been to a gig one night, then he suggested going to the cinema the following night, but by the time the evening came we felt like we wanted to stay in. The following day was going to be a bit full on meeting up with some of his friends, so it was just nice to watch something together, have a drink and relax. He is of the same opinion as me, that you need to make an effort as he saw his ex-BIL run his relationship into the ground by not bothering with his wife etc.

So yes, effort has to be applied both sides. TV dates are ok in moderation, but overall...so dull.

I've been with someone for a few months, and he always made the effort to arrange the dates, I didn't play hard to get but I did let him take the lead. And I expected to see him once a week at first. Now though it's normally at least twice!

I do believe the man should make the first moves and I refuse to do any chasing, lots of women won't agree with that and that's ok, but that's what I do. We are official now and he's my boyfriend so I do make a lot of effort now it's definitely not one sided now.

@toastbutter so if you were dating for a while and things were progressing, would you expect to see each other more than twice a week.

My mum always says, you should spend time with each to learn about each other and grow and also time apart to grow as individuals

@toastbutter I agree, my view has changed. If you don't let them take the 'lead' then how can you gauge their interest level? I'm sure if I asked my date if he wanted to do something he would say yes, but I want him to actually want to do it of his own back, and don't want to have to chase, so I'm not!!!!!

My outlook has changed recently though, I agree that is it's a boyfriend it's different.

@katiie3 - how long have you been seeing him? and does he normally suggest meeting up?

Well I have a few people I have dated in the years and all have been different.

Some men were constantly messaging and wanting to do things, such as days out at theme parks, shopping days, sight seeing and then some men, who would ask to come over or invite me over and we would watch Saturday night TV 😭😭😭😭😭

They were all nice and polite but their efforts were so different.

I’m at the stage in my life, being in my mid 30s where I want to enjoy the company of a man, whilst doing things together.

The last guy I dated, we would only see each once a week or fortnight, lived half an hour away and it would be a few hours in an evening. Barely time to even sit down and eat before it was home time again. It just became very tedious and “arranged”.

It’s definitely harder to find men who enjoy socialising as I’m getting older 😂😂

No not necessarily more than twice, We live about 20 mins drive apart, but both have kids and work ect. So twice a week is working for us although sometimes it is more if we have time. We talk a lot throughout the day too. I expect him to make effort to see me definitely, I wouldn't feel good if he was only happy with once a week.

Ah okay. I feel the same. I would expect the man to make an effort of seeing me more than one a week or even a fortnight. Otherwise it becomes dull and fizzles out

As a man, I would want and expect a woman to show equal interest and take equal responsibility for arranging things - equality and all that.

I'm happy to chase as long as it's reciprocal.

Any woman that took the approach of 'show me' or 'prove yourself' as if I was on some kind of assessment would not last long.

As a man, how would you show and maintain your interest whilst dating?

Once a week to start with daily messaging. Moving to 2/3 times a week. Mid week tv dates are fine but I want to do things at the weekend.

My approach to dating has become more traditional as I've gone on. Men who really like you will make the effort.

You say that @prawn but whenever us ladies seem too keen men seem to get bored! In my experience with men, they do like to chase a bit 🤷🏻‍♀️.

I'm 10 months into a new relationship. At first we saw each other one day over the weekend. Then it moved to the whole weekend and a night during the week.

We have always gone out on 'dates' and still do everytime we see each other. This includes seeing friends, going to gigs, lunch/dinner out, visiting museums, walking around the city, cinema etc.

He is much more of a 'doer' than I am but I love it!

But what do you do when they 'make the effort' at first but then drop right off once they think they have you as a girlfriend? I've dated a fair few men who've appeared perfect at first, suggesting places to go and things to do, only to give up bothering after about six months and leaving me suggesting activities only to be turned down because they just want a 'quiet night in' (which to them means watching TV, drinking wine and getting a shag).

It's as though they know what they are supposed to do and how they are supposed to act, but then give up as soon as they think they have you hooked!

@Zaphodsotherhead if that happened it would probably just fizzle out for me. I love a night in, watching a film or just random tv cuddled up on the sofa, however I also like to get out too. If it got boring I'd just end it 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Zaphodsotherhead you hit the nail on the head! This is literally what happens, the effort fizzles out and it turns into a night in front of the tv, food, and sex.

It almost becomes like an arranged routine and that’s all you have to look forward to.

I mean come on, socialising is such a big part of getting to know a person and seeing how they behave in public and interact with other people.

Instead you end up watching how he interacts with the tv and his dinner plate, for months!

@katiie3 Instead you end up watching how he interacts with the tv and his dinner plate, for months!

So very true. This was my ex, but it wasn't months...it became years!! I used to suggest doing stuff and he was such a fucking sloth about it all, would rarely do anything. Then he had the cheek to have an affair with a much younger woman!! I will definitely do the same to her in the end.

I do hold out hope with my current relationship, albeit 5 months in. He is a social person all round and we have both talked about not wanting to let things go/getting complacent. I am all for doing cosy things together and of course, that ramps up a bit more if you start living together/marry...but IMO you still need to place importance of doing interesting stuff together.

meant to say 'he will do the same to her in the end' not 'I will' bloody autocorrect!!

Yes, I agree. Dating is about exploring together, doing things and seeing how you interact and even react to situations you may find yourself in.

Sitting in front of the tv, is not really going to give much away about the other person.

I do feel a lot of men use it as a way of keeping the relationship quite simple and away from complications.

I have had relationships where I have sat in front of the tv, one night a week, watched a film, and didn’t even have much of conversation with the guy. Go to bed, wake up and go home.

There is no emotional connection and it just becomes an arranged physical arrangement.

It becomes dull and he becomes unattractive. But saying that, do men only make an effort if they want something long lasting..........

I like to go out somewhere, even if it's just for a walk, then a coffee. It doesn't have to be anything special, but I don't want to sit in front of the telly with a takeaway and a bottle of wine, not until circumstances dictate that's the only way of spending an evening together (I'm thinking of marriage and babies eventually).

I am also interested in meeting his friends and for him to meet my friends - if he socialises with a load of neanderthals then the relationship is going nowhere. If my friends think he's a twat, I would take notice and ask why they have come to that conclusion.

Another thing that is important to me, and may not be for other people, is how he gets on with his parents and siblings. If they are low/no contact, I would want to know why.

@MagnoliaJustice yes, exactly what you said! Dates do not have to be expensive, no one is asking to be whisked off to Paris or a fancy 577788 course meal every single time.

A date can be just a cute coffee and cake in a coffee shop, or even a walk with a picnic.

I don’t even like doing anything that could be overly costly to the man I’m dating, I don’t feel comfortable with anyone spending money on me. I always like to split the bill or offer to pay the next time.

I just feel, I struggle to find out anything about the man I’m dating, if I’m only ever seeing him alone, behind closed doors.

I think moving forward, I am going to suggest small outings, to see how I feel about the relationship in public.

Sitting at home, I learn nothing, other than how much times he gets up from the sofa to use the toilet!

And also, no one wants to get dressed up to just sit on the sofa all night.

In the stages of dating, I enjoy dressing up and making an effort however, it is very disheartening to spend money on an outfit, and your hair and then sit on the sofa all night.

I’d rather just wear my comfies and lounge on the sofa than wear something nice and look rather over dressed for a night in front of the TV

If the man I was dating started to make no effort and simply expect me to come round to his and watch some rubbish on telly, before going to bed, I wouldn't want to continue the relationship. There's no effort being made on his part, and it would seem as if he's skipped over several months of going out, to being settled and comfy on the sofa every night. I don't want anything fancy, an evening walk to see the sunset would be fine, maybe a trip to the local for a beer, but an effort needs to be made.

XP got too cheap even for a coffee out ('HOW much?! I can make one for free at home!') and doesn't like picnics or takeaways. We degenerated VERY fast into sitting at home (he also can't leave his dog alone, so no pictures, shopping, restaurants or..well, anything really). He pretended to be sociable and enjoy going out, doing things, when we first met.

And by the time it really came out just how boring he was, I was already fond of him and cutting him a lot of slack anyway. But I got so tired of 'dressing up' meaning putting on a clean pair of trousers because my others had got muddy walking the dog...