What are your dating standards requirements?

[katiie3]

During the dating phase, there are a lot of nerves and often you can let things slide whilst seeing each other.

1. how often do you expect to see your partner?
2. do you want him to make an effort with dates?

I have dated people who would make an effort to organise cute dates and go out together, and I have dated people who would only sit in-front of the TV with a takeaway for a 'date'.

The TV 'dates' did not last. Fizzled out on my side within weeks.

I went out with a cheapskate once, we went to a cafe, and even though I offered to pay, he refused to have anything to drink because it was a whopping two quid for a coffee, and he could buy an entire jar of instant coffee for that price. That made me certain date 2 was never going to happen. What kind of instant coffee can you buy for two quid anyway

Ha ha! 2 quid coffee! Well I went to the cinema once, I booked and paid for the tickets as I wanted to watch this particular film.

I wanted a hot drink as I was quite a cold day and he happily paid for the hot drink however he added, the snacks are quite expensive so no point buying any food!

I was quite happy to pay for my own food but he just put me off so I sat with my hot chocolate that he was probably seething about buying, ha ha!

When I was dating they had to pay for dinner and they had to ask in advance for every weekend and not skip weeks. No home dates ever. They got a simple 'no thanks. I'd rather go out' if they suggested it. Worked very well.

@justshutthedoor I might try that! To be fair, it is very much my own fault too. I allowed this behaviour and after becoming fond of the person, just carried on.

But looking back, I was unhappy and it is not any type of relationship I want.

I don’t have children, I’m young and I have the time and chance to explore and enjoy things in life. I don’t want to waste it by sitting indoors, in front of the TV.

It bores my mind.

I noticed that every guy was different; from the one's that insisted on just a coffee, to those who plan in advance and book tables at fancy restaurants but I'd say effort is important to me. A healthy dose of effort is important. It does cover alot of things too doesn't it?

If he makes distance an issue and insists I drive over to their side, then no. I remember one guy who said 20 minutes drive to my city was too much and that I should do the driving- ha ha!

This also falls under effort, but messaging, calling, replying within a suitable time period- that kind of thing.

Just atleast reciprocate the level of effort I put in. Not asking a lot is it?

Raise the bar, raise your standards. The truly interested high value men will step up and the time wasters will fall away. Practise saying 'no thank you' to things that don't feel great. You don't have to be rude, smile when you say it.

I wanted an equal share minimum for arranging and suggesting dates

I married a man who was always very good at wanting to do things together and not being too lazy about it and I’m glad I did as now we are settled down together and life is busy with children he does sometimes need reminding that I shouldn’t be the only one suggesting nice things to do together when we have the chance to.
He’s otherwise still very good at planning and suggesting things to do together.

If I had dated someone who wasn’t too bothered and quite happy to watch tv for dates then you know come married and babies you will be the couple that stay in front of the tv and don’t ever go out

Yes, effort is the fundamental aspect of developing your relationship. Effort is not watching tv together whilst having a takeaway.

I did meet one man, who would always plan dates in advance. A good week or so and he always booked different restaurants we could try or exploring cute cities for the day. It was nice and I learnt so much about him as a person. And he was lovely!

One man I was dating, many years ago, he didn’t want children, at that point in his life as he wanted to enjoy life and be able to do things without any restrictions

However, the entire time we dated, he didn’t do anything! He stayed home and watched tv and invited me to do it with him!

No dates, and if we ever did go out, we went out to the same restaurant and back home.

Looking back now, it was the most boring time of my time and I was 27 years old! The time I should have been enjoying myself!

Oh yes no travelling half way either. They had to come to me otherwise I couldn't make it 👸🏼. I didn't have a home date with my husband until after he proposed.

@justshutthedoor wow! No home date? So what did you do? Always go out and about then go home to your own places?

These nights in front of the telly with wine, TV and sex sound very much like marriage but without the sex!

I suppose another factor is that when you have home dates, is always making sure there is enough food in.

I am quite health conscious due to a medical condition so I try to avoid takeaways which means I end up cooking meals every time the man I’m dating is coming to mine. Which is time consuming.

If I do order a take away, because we are at my house, I end up paying the delivery driver when he drops the food off too.

So how do you even win 😂😂😂😂

@Bottleofcorona I feel like I am married sometimes! And then I see my friends, who are living their lives and going out on cute dates so it gives me some hope, haha!

@katiie3 he always took me out for dinner and drinks and after the first month on days out to places. We did go to each others homes after the dates when the time was right iyswim but there was always a date activity first. None of this cheap 'I'll cook for you' sofa date crap. Even after engaged we had a Saturday night dinner date every week and now we're married we still go out a couple of times a month and get dressed up

@katiie3

Don't settle for anything less than ideal. Sofa man, is he someone you're currently seeing? Time to knock that on the head (not literally) - tell him you're bored, you want to go out, you want to do things, experience life, not watch other people living their lives on a screen. If he doesn't step up to the plate and make some changes, it's over. There are plenty of men out there who will want to go out for food/drinks/coffee/go dancing/attend a festival or concert/go sightseeing/go to a gallery or museum - don't accept a middle-aged-married-for-decades lifestyle when you're not ready!!!

The gallery going ones - just make sure that they actually go round the galleries and look at things, not just stick their head through the door, gallop round the floor space and then want you to buy them coffee and a bun at the cafe...

From experience. I once paid for us both to go round a Stately Home in an effort to get XP off the sofa. Cost me 9 quid each and he was round there in five minutes. He couldn't have gone faster if he'd had a whippet chasing him.

I got to see nothing and was eighteen quid down. Then had to buy coffee because he wouldn't (see my comment above about complaints about the cost). Twenty five quid that day out cost me and we were still back on the sofa in time for early afternoon TV...

I personally think at the start of dating once or twice a week a fine, It can be hard to fit into schedule. But I expect talking most if not every day. Even if it's just a check in kinda thing.
As the dating stages progress, I want him to see me as much as I want to see him. Especially when there is more sexual tension etc.

I wouldn't continue to date anyone who can't make time at least once a week to see me as that tells me what to expect in the future (obv kids and other plans might stop that, and that's fine)
Anyone who can't text or call or make any effort in getting to know me.

And tbh my main rule is this... if he doesn't make me feel good or it makes me question things. I leave it. Mainly because I've learnt that things you ignore or tolerate at the start are the reason it ends, later on

@MagnoliaJustice this is someone I was previously seeing. Not anymore.

Yes, I won’t and cannot accept being sat on my sofa for a “date”. I don’t want to waste my time living such a dull life.

@Zaphodsotherhead haha! Galloped through the gallery made me chuckle to myself!

Well once, I had to go a retail store and it so happened to fall on a day we were going to meet up at my house. So I suggested, going out, going to the retail store then going for dinner.

He said ok. However once we got there, he was rushing through the store, charging forward and I couldn’t keep up. I was on one end and he was at a different part. I was actually finalising the final part of my kitchen so I needed to look at a few things and wanted his opinion too. But he kept walking off and looking at other things.

Then I then paid for dinner as he offered to drive in his car, and the store was an hour away so I wanted to pay for the food.

Never again.

@katiie3 I would as many other have said, suggest various 'dates' such as cinema, a mean or lunch out, walks or other activites that we shared in common.

But I would expect for her to also put the effort in and suggest/make arrangements. It would be very off putting if I felt it was all down to me to provide 'entertainment' for fear of being dumped should the level/frequency/quality of the entertainment not meet expectations.

It's a two way street.

@toastbutter I think that depends on the man. I have no problem with a woman being keen - it makes me feel special and important to them. Having to chase (for me) gets old quickly. I end of thinking, 'she's clearly not that bothered, so I'll move on' I only want to be with someone who is equally into me as am am into them.

As soon as the mind games/playing hard to get/chase me nonsense starts, I'm off, as it is often indicative (in my experience) of other less desirable traits.

We're all different, but I can assure you not all men appreciate having to do all the chasing.

Never take dating advice from men @PrawnSacrifice hasn't met his dream woman or is lazy. You don't want lazy men and you don't want to be anything less than someone's dream woman.

prawnsacrifice that's an interesting view. I'm always told to let men chase you, but I find that awkward and I get anxious about it. Its good to hear that not all men think you're desperate if the woman chases too.

I think the main thing is that both people are on the same page about effort level/acceptable dates. I quite like a quiet night in (cook dinner/tv/sex) as well as going out. I don't think I could cope with going out all the time.

@justshutthedoor

I have met my dream woman thank you very much, and we are very happily married and have been for many years.

I am not lazy; we went and still do go on frequent dates - the point being that she also arranged them and took/takes an active roll in making sure we go out and do stuff. It's an equal partnership.

I agree with your point that you should feel like you the man's dream woman though.

My point is that there is no reason why men shouldn't also feel like they are the woman's dream man.

If she plays hard to get and somewhat cool and nonchalant, I'll move on and did so on a few occasions before meeting my DW.

Like I say, it's a two way street.