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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have NO sex drive ...

64 replies

NameChangersRUs · 06/09/2007 14:48

... and feel fat, frumpy, old, ugly and totally unattractive.

Obviously DH is starting to get a little upset by my total refusal to do anything sexual, even kissing is a struggle. He is very understanding but I think he's getting, understandably, fedup and thinks it's him. It's not him, it's me.

How can I get my mojo back? Please help oh wise MNers!

OP posts:
Desiderata · 06/09/2007 14:51

Well, I seem to have lost mine lately, too.

In fact, I have a suspicion that anyone who Mumsnets after 10pm is actually trying to avoid sex ...

Original poster
NameChangersRUs · 06/09/2007 14:52

Too true. I think MN is a great contraception.

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChangersRUs · 06/09/2007 14:53

So, any good ideas to recapture the ellusive mojo?

Am considering dumping DD for the night at my sister's and seducing DH, but don't want it to be contrived.

OP posts:
hellish · 06/09/2007 14:54

me too desiderata, lol at 10pm sex avoidance tactics.

I don't think I would care if I never had sex again. My dh doesn't think it's him, he thinks I am old, boring, frigid etc etc.

He did give me some vouchers to spend at La Senza yesterday, I might get some lovely fleecy PJs and watch his face when I show him .

Dropdeadfred · 06/09/2007 14:56

Awww hellish...thats sad..

Desiderata · 06/09/2007 14:56

I was only thinking about this earlier. DH has done quite a few late nights at work lately, and I can't remember the last time we got intimate.

I mean, it wasn't months ago, but it was certainly weeks ago. And I know he's after a bit ... it's the subtle squeezing of my tits and the low growling that sort of gives it away, but I just don't feel like it!

When DH is certain that he's going to get laid, he lies on his back and puts his hands behind his head That is the sum of his input.

Idle bastard !!!

Original poster
NameChangersRUs · 06/09/2007 14:57

Hmm - not sure I'm looking for fleecy PJs (although they are tempting).

OP posts:
belgo · 06/09/2007 14:58

Are you taking any medication that could effect your sex drive? The contraceptive pill for example? I lost my sex drive while taking that.

Original poster
NameChangersRUs · 06/09/2007 14:58

I've got to do something, but really don't know what. I can't just tell myself to feel sexy.

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChangersRUs · 06/09/2007 14:59

I am on the pill and ADs, so maybe they're making me worse. I dunno. When I mentioned it to my GP he just muttered that I had a baby etc etc.

OP posts:
Desiderata · 06/09/2007 14:59

lol @ hellish!

Well, it's like doing the washing up, isn't it! The thought is always worse than the reality.

In fact, let's make a pledge this day! Tonight, we shag.

belgo · 06/09/2007 15:00

the pill certainly took away my libido. It worked very well as a contraceptive lol

Original poster
NameChangersRUs · 06/09/2007 15:01

Trouble is I've built it up into a real issue in my head. I think I may have to dump DD at my sister's and cook him a fabby meal and break out the champagne!

OP posts:
hellish · 06/09/2007 15:01

I don't think I could muster up the energy if DH laid back waiting for it to happen. I love the subtle boob squeezing and growling - it just puts you off doesn't it?

I was only joking about the PJs I will go and buy something 'nice' when I finally get the dcs at school for longer than a few hours.

I do find it hard, I try to make 'do it' at least once a week though, as otherwise everything starts to go wrong. I do enjoy it once we get going, but I don't think I would miss it at all if we didn't.

Wisteria · 06/09/2007 15:01

Same here and I used to be a complete nymph. Don't know why this happens but we're not on our own. My friend tells me it comes back but I'm still waiting.

Original poster
NameChangersRUs · 06/09/2007 15:02

LOL Belgo. I was on the pill for years before DD and it didn't have that effect, so can't really blame that, unless something has changed since DD was born.

OP posts:
DollyPopsOut · 06/09/2007 15:02

Sex breeds more sex... the more you do it the more you want to, apparently (am suffering too from deeply low libido post DD2 6 months ago). My GP said you have 7nights a week and you can have 6 off but have to do it once a week. Once you get into the groove, you will feel like it more.

I put my PJs on when I do the kids' bath and am tucked up by about 10.30 feeding a baby, leaving DH to come up when he feels like it. By that point I am well into the land of nod. We did do the once a week thing on hols, but am too knackered in the week as a rule here.

Oh and a few glasses of wine always helped

Original poster
NameChangersRUs · 06/09/2007 15:03

So, I'm not alone! I thought I was the only one (very self-centred of me). So, do you think my baby-free evening would help?

OP posts:
hellish · 06/09/2007 15:04

sorry 'make do it" wasn't quite what I meant.

OK Desi, lets make a pact, It's Shag or bust tonight and report back tomorrow?

DH has been away for a few days with work, back tonight, serious Brownie points for me if I was in the mood.

Original poster
NameChangersRUs · 06/09/2007 15:04

I like your GP Dolly.

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChangersRUs · 06/09/2007 15:05

I like your GP Dolly.

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChangersRUs · 06/09/2007 15:05

I like your GP Dolly.

OP posts:
madamez · 06/09/2007 15:05

Hmm, OK. If you have given birth within the last year or you are BF then your hormones are possibly still a bit all ove the shop and it will probably improve in time.
Alternatively, if you are on certain meds (ADs of some kinds and a few other things) they can suppress the libido.

If it's not either of the above, then the next thing to consider is how you feel about your DP and how he's treating you in general. If you've got into the situation where sex with him seems like just another chore you do for his benefit (after you've looked after his DC, cooked his meals, washed his clothes etc) then you need some straight talking time with him. Particularly if he's giving you no help with DC and then pestering constantly for sex.

If your DP is a Good Chap who's doing his best to be patient, and you really want to get your mojo back, here are a few things to try.

  1. SOme adult entertainment, either books, mags or DVDs. There are various types and some are sophisitcated, some grungey, some better than others, so it's worth experimenting a little bit to see what works for you

  2. SOme time away from DC doing date-y type fun things with your DP, though again you need to be a bit careful that such occasions don't become too high-pressured, few things are more off-putting than feeling like you're obliged to lie down and let him have a go on your clopper after he's paid for dinner/babysitter.

  3. The one they call Sensate Focus. You put a ban on actual bonking but allow lots of cuddling and kissing - this is supposed to rev you right up so you feel like a teenager again.

Good luck, anyway.

Original poster
NameChangersRUs · 06/09/2007 15:06

Sorry about the repetition - my PC did some very strange things.

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChangersRUs · 06/09/2007 15:09

Thanks

DH is indeed a Good Chap. I think I may call my sister and see if she will have DD (16months and not breastfed ) tomorrow night and then put some makeup on and suprise DH with his favourite meal, followed by a visit to the pub, so no pressure of sex after meal, just a nice night together. Does this sound like a plan?

OP posts: