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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have NO sex drive ...

64 replies

NameChangersRUs · 06/09/2007 14:48

... and feel fat, frumpy, old, ugly and totally unattractive.

Obviously DH is starting to get a little upset by my total refusal to do anything sexual, even kissing is a struggle. He is very understanding but I think he's getting, understandably, fedup and thinks it's him. It's not him, it's me.

How can I get my mojo back? Please help oh wise MNers!

OP posts:
hellish · 06/09/2007 15:11

sounds like a great plan, as long as you don't feel too much 'pressure' with no dcs around.

Have a lovely time

Original poster
NameChangersRUs · 06/09/2007 15:14

That's why I'm thinking meal at home, then pub for drink. We can have a good chat and a kiss and cuddle and see where that leads us. DH isn't the type to pressure - he's too sweet

OP posts:
belgo · 06/09/2007 15:16

have a great time

Original poster
NameChangersRUs · 06/09/2007 15:17

Thank you all for letting me vent and helping me realise that I'm not a lonesome freak .

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChangersRUs · 06/09/2007 15:20

If I can get my sister to baby sit I'll let you know the outcome (minus gory details )

OP posts:
hellish · 06/09/2007 15:24

lol

billy1979 · 06/09/2007 17:45

Can I offer a sort of male perspective on this? Since our children were born, DW and I have basically forgotten to be intimate - This is a few years we are talking about. It has been difficult, and I wish that it weren't the case, but it is not the end of the world, or the end of the relationship.

hellish · 06/09/2007 17:50

I wish my dh could see it like you

niceglasses · 06/09/2007 17:52

Oh God me too. Think dh is thinking of divorce if things don't pick up.

Saw and advert today for some trial medication for women with low sex drive, but only for post menopausal. feck if I'm like this now what will I be like after menopause!!!

pania · 06/09/2007 18:03

Don't some ADs decrease libido?

I don't know which ones though.. maybe you could check wth your doctor about that? (or check under side effects on the information sheet that you get with the medication).

slayerette · 06/09/2007 18:10

I have posted about this topic before - one thing I find helps is planning the nice night, but having a bath with a glass of wine first to unwind, then doing the deed before cooking a meal, having a drink and enjoying the evening. I hate that feeling of having to do it at the end of the night - after a few glasses of wine I just want to go to sleep. So we do things the wrong way round and I enjoy it loads more - a whole evening of afterglow!

madamez · 06/09/2007 20:13

NG: I don't think the boost-women's-libido pills would be that much help. Remember, Viagra etc just puts lead in the pencil, doesn't affect the mindset (so for a woman, the mechanical answer would be a big bucket of KY jelly). Namechange your plan sounds like a good one and your DH a nice chap so your chances of getting over this.. um, hump sound pretty good to me.

OrmIrian · 06/09/2007 20:21

"have a go on your clopper " ROFL!!! Love that, madamez

No you are not alone namechanger! By no means. If I never had to have sex again I'd be a very happy woman. I love DH...very much and I know he loves me and still fancies me, but I only do it because he wants to and it keeps our marriage happy (mostly). Which doesn't seem right but what is the alternative? I am hoping that it will change. Meanwhile we hanging on in there. 20 yrs can't be flushed down the pan for a temporary lack of mojo.

Desiderata · 06/09/2007 21:28

DH is in the shower right now

I'm in for it girls .... I tell you, I'm really in for it

OrmIrian · 07/09/2007 08:05

I always know what DH is planning when he gets into bed without his pyjamas .

Dropdeadfred · 07/09/2007 09:43

Ormirian - thats so funny...is he is really so predictable?

Original poster
NameChangersRUs · 07/09/2007 09:46

The scene is set. I'm dropping DD at my sisters at lunchtime and coming home to soak for hours in the bath because...

My flipping back has gone or as near as damn it. Oh well, at least it takes the pressure of sex off and we can still have an evening alone

And, no, it's not psychosomatic (sp?) - I've got a weak back and DD weighs a ton!

OP posts:
biglips · 07/09/2007 09:51

same here as i cant be arsed since my DD was born and she is 3 next month. Before i had my dd i was a kissy person but now im just a huggy person as i love kissing but i havent got the energy to do that. Last time we made love was about 4 weeks ago . i cant be bovvered!! but i dont want to shove him away as i do love the bones of him. Im on the mirena coil since DD was 8 weeks old and there was alot of stress going on for the past 2 years as dp had been waiting to take over her boss's business which he had now Monday just gone.

Am i normal??

biglips · 07/09/2007 09:53

oh and Dp only twice asked for a bit of passion in the past month but im too knackered and so is he!

biglips · 07/09/2007 13:13

eerrr!! Have i killed this thread?????

hellish · 07/09/2007 14:02

No you haven't biglips -
Just wanted to say I failed miserably last night.

DH came back, all happy for 2 mins, then started moaning about things being messy (as usual) ,
Then DD1 wouldn't go to sleep so I was upstairs with her from 7.30 till 10.30, came downstairs had to make packed lunches.

Dh then starts complaining that there are things missing from the sewing kit
Then he went to bed and I stayed on MN till midnight.

Need encouragement to try again tonight.

Original poster
NameChangersRUs · 07/09/2007 16:14

Hellish! Never mind - another night another chance! DD is now safely at my sister's house for the evening and I'm about to soak in the bath - my back's killing me! Will report back, although there'll be no major passion if I still hurt this much after my bath

OP posts:
creakyfloor · 07/09/2007 16:31

well namechanger and hellish well done for trying and good luck tonight.

Have to say I find the whole candlelit meal stuff really pressurising and never feel like it on a full stomach anyway.

Let's face it it's usually rubbish if you haven't done it for ages. I find I'm happier going for a quickie (morning/early evening) without expectations which then puts me in the mood for another occasion sooner.

Here's to a horny weekend all round

nangnangnang · 08/09/2007 22:02

Hellish - full marks for trying but how are you supposed to conjure passion from thin air? A man complaining about the completeness of the sewing kit isn't going to turn on the lewdest of minxes. Don't take all the responsibility on yourself - make him loosen up too.

hellish · 09/09/2007 14:46

God, been trying to do that for years, I tried to tell him that I don't feel like having sex when he has a go at me for things like that - he said 'why is it his job to make me feel like sex?"

Anyway, long story, long, long running issue for us.

In the meantime however, we did it last night

It was fine, sometimes I wonder why I don't just get on with it more often instead of worrying about it?