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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I dont feel like my boyfriend is treating me right. Is it me or him?

57 replies

osho83 · 03/03/2020 19:07

We have been together for 2.5 years. We fall out a lot, usually over the same things. Were in our thirties but he still goes out with mates and ignores me whilst he does.
Ive started to feel really paranoid about it, and lately I end up upset and sending nasty texts when he ignores me or doesnt answer.
He works away and when he comes back, he doesnt keep plans with me and always lets me down somehow, apparently for his mates as I later find out.
Ive started to think that he must be cheating and have told him so.
Maybe im being unreasonable but I dont think so. We havent had sex i months because were always on a fall out and this upsets me to.
I usually end up turning off my phone and going into a depression. Then he says its my behaviour thats at fault and I turned my phone off as I am the one cheating. He has said some awful things saying Im sleeping with his mates, with anyone and he can tell when he has had sex with me. Called me a whore and stuff. I had called him a cheat but this seemed much worse. And its not the first time. When all I am doing is sitting home worrying and upset not wanting to talk to anyone because of how I feel. So then I do turn off my phone.
The other day after a text argument like this, I went to see him as he was calling saying he loved me etc, said it was me not answering the phone and he had tried to see me. When I got there he was all loving and kissing me asking if I wanted a "quickie". Obviously I didnt feel like it. He said Im too depressive and Im pushing him away, and even said he "offered" to have sex with me. I felt like walking out there but didnt.
This was yesterday and he went away down the country to work soon after, and I havent had a call or text since. I havent rang him but he knows how I feel surely.
I just feel tortured. And so confused, like he makes me feel it is me and I question my own feelings.
Please give me advice. I know I sound pathetic.

OP posts:
QuentinWinters · 03/03/2020 19:09

Finish it, it sounds like you are unhappy and he doesnt care

osho83 · 03/03/2020 19:14

He also says if he wanted to sleep with someone else he would, and he would tell me because it would be final for us.
And says things like i want us to be together always all that crap which I feel is actually just crap cos of how he then behaves.
But then I think is he being genuine and i feel bad for being the way I am.
Sorry I have no one to talk to about this.

OP posts:
HundredMilesAnHour · 03/03/2020 19:17

It sounds like your relationship has become toxic. I don't think there's any coming back from this. I think it's time to move on from him. You don't sound good for each other at all. It sounds miserable. You deserve more than this.

Mum4Fergus · 03/03/2020 19:17

Do yourself a favour and end this relationship.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/03/2020 19:19

Your relationship is utter shit. Why are you putting yourself through this torture? End it today and don't waste another second on him.

PeppermintPasty · 03/03/2020 19:20

He sounds absolutely horrible and you sound desperately unhappy. What on earth are you getting out of this relationship? I would say nothing at all from what you’ve said, except misery.

Please don’t waste any more of your time on him, I suspect it will only get more unpleasant.

Is there no one at all who can support you in real life? Workmates? Old school friends?

tenlittlecygnets · 03/03/2020 19:27

Just end it! You’re not happy. And no wonder!

You’ve only been seeing him 2 years - it should still be brilliant at this stage.

Cut your losses and leave him.

osho83 · 03/03/2020 19:27

I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about this really.
Do you think it is me being unfair on him and I just see it from my own point of view?
Cos when he says he loves me etc I want to believe it and then feel like maybe I'm throwing away someone who does actually love me and it my behaviour.

OP posts:
Brazi103 · 03/03/2020 19:30

You both are bringing out the toxic in each other - time to end it. Come on op, you're in your 30s. Is this the way to behave, is this the life that you want?

Aquamarine1029 · 03/03/2020 19:30

Stop gaslighting yourself. End it.

TheWordmeister · 03/03/2020 19:30

Set your sights a bit higher.

This is immature and toxic and clearly going nowhere.

HaddawayAndShite · 03/03/2020 19:36

He ignores you, so you send him verbally abusive messages.
He breaks plans with you, so you accuse him of cheating.
While his behaviour is much worse, the nasty messages to get his attention are not ok. Don't lower yourself to his standards.

You know his behaviour is not normal otherwise you wouldn't be here. How can you stand to look at someone who calls you a whore? He enjoys the game of messing with your head and emotionally wearing you down. I'm assuming no kids or financial ties? Get out of there while you still can!

Mintlegs · 03/03/2020 19:40

This sounds immature and you sound insecure. Build your own self esteem, stop analysing and try and build trust. You may feel more relaxed then get on better and then be more connected.

DeeCeeCherry · 03/03/2020 19:43

Aren't you bored of all this unnecessary drama?

He's out with mates, works away, doesn't care if you are unhappy. As sad as 6ou may feel, all the signs are there that he doesn't want you, at least not on a serious or longterm basis. You're giving him all the power, as if you're a extension of him. When you could leave and rebuild your life slowly

dustibooks · 03/03/2020 19:43

He calls you a whore and accuses you of sleeping with his friends. He says if he wanted to sleep with someone else, he would. He lets you down and goes out with his mates.

Oh he's genuine all right. He is showing you exactly who he is.

Dump him, he's vile.

EmotionalFlood · 03/03/2020 19:44

It's only been "2.5" years. That's not very long and if it's already toxic it won't get better. It sounds like you both bring out the worst in each other, end it and hopefully you'll both find someone you actually want to be with and stop wasting time.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 03/03/2020 19:48

HE CALLED YOU A WHORE!!!!

Go get some counselling for your low self esteem and dump the fucker.

You do realise that when he is disappearing/ignoring you/causing arguments/accusing you of sleeping with others, it's most likely he is shagging around himself?

Yas01 · 03/03/2020 19:50

You need to end this relationship fast. Actions speak louder than words, he doesn't love or care about you. Don't settle for low standards. This relationship is toxic and will only get much worse over time.

5LeafClover · 03/03/2020 19:51

maybe I'm throwing away someone who does actually love me and it my behaviour.

Someone who loves you would not behave like this. It doesn't sound like this relationship is bringing you any happiness.

EmmiJay · 03/03/2020 19:58

You know hes a piece of shit. Does any of that behaviour even sound remotely like someone who might like you, let alone love you?! Get rid of him, rebuild your self esteem and move onwards and upwards.

PixieDustt · 03/03/2020 20:01

It's just a toxic relationship. It needs to end

Absolutepowercorrupts · 03/03/2020 20:03

To answer your question, he's not treating you right. It's him, not you. Please get away from him and find someone that does care about you, because it doesn't seem as though he cares at all.

PinkiOcelot · 03/03/2020 20:03

End it. You’re not suited. At all.

ChangedMyNameYetAgain · 03/03/2020 20:03

Contact him stating that you are finished.
Block his number, block him on all social media, and go no contact.
It is not a healthy relationship.