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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I dont feel like my boyfriend is treating me right. Is it me or him?

57 replies

osho83 · 03/03/2020 19:07

We have been together for 2.5 years. We fall out a lot, usually over the same things. Were in our thirties but he still goes out with mates and ignores me whilst he does.
Ive started to feel really paranoid about it, and lately I end up upset and sending nasty texts when he ignores me or doesnt answer.
He works away and when he comes back, he doesnt keep plans with me and always lets me down somehow, apparently for his mates as I later find out.
Ive started to think that he must be cheating and have told him so.
Maybe im being unreasonable but I dont think so. We havent had sex i months because were always on a fall out and this upsets me to.
I usually end up turning off my phone and going into a depression. Then he says its my behaviour thats at fault and I turned my phone off as I am the one cheating. He has said some awful things saying Im sleeping with his mates, with anyone and he can tell when he has had sex with me. Called me a whore and stuff. I had called him a cheat but this seemed much worse. And its not the first time. When all I am doing is sitting home worrying and upset not wanting to talk to anyone because of how I feel. So then I do turn off my phone.
The other day after a text argument like this, I went to see him as he was calling saying he loved me etc, said it was me not answering the phone and he had tried to see me. When I got there he was all loving and kissing me asking if I wanted a "quickie". Obviously I didnt feel like it. He said Im too depressive and Im pushing him away, and even said he "offered" to have sex with me. I felt like walking out there but didnt.
This was yesterday and he went away down the country to work soon after, and I havent had a call or text since. I havent rang him but he knows how I feel surely.
I just feel tortured. And so confused, like he makes me feel it is me and I question my own feelings.
Please give me advice. I know I sound pathetic.

OP posts:
user1423578854468 · 03/03/2020 20:10

I felt like walking out there but didnt.

What stopped you?

Someone who loves you wouldn't treat you like this. That he could call you a whore and you still think this might be what love looks like is really sad.

It's not ok for you to be sending nasty messages or kicking off because he's focused on the people he's with when he's out. Why are you paranoid if he goes out?

What kind of relationship did your parents have with each other and with you growing up?

osho83 · 03/03/2020 20:10

Yes..i think I know deep down you're all right. I need to be strong enough cos every time I do end it later I fall for his loving act. I just feel a fool and manipulated.
He doesn't apologise, just sweeps it away and knows I will try to ignore it.
I have to find some strength. I'm emotionally exhausted.

OP posts:
Pentium85 · 03/03/2020 20:11

Both of you are wrong.
This relationship is a mess.
Get out of it.

madcatladyforever · 03/03/2020 20:12

Its an awful miserable relationship and you should end it. Far too intense with nasty things said both sides.
I think you would do better if you were less intense but he sounds like a bit of an immature person for his age too.

mrbob · 03/03/2020 20:15

It doesn’t really matter who is wrong does it? You will find your life is significantly happier when you are out of this. What is keeping you there?

dustibooks · 03/03/2020 20:35

There is no point in spending any more time wondering whether he will ever turn into a nice person. He won't.

He's a toad through and through.

Don't waste another second on this obnoxious arsehole. Ditch him, and find someone kind and loving, who treats you nicely and enjoys being in your company. And doesn't call you a whore.

Gutterton · 03/03/2020 20:41

You are not compatible.

The dynamic is toxic.

It will never recover but will deteriorate.

You don’t need to find blame to end it.

Move on and let each other find happiness.

What have your previous RSs been like?

moonsnake · 03/03/2020 20:57

I agree this is a toxic dynamic.

He is horrible and you are insecure. You need to work on your self esteem and your boundaries. You will not be able to do that in this relationship.

osho83 · 03/03/2020 21:08

He takes drugs when he goes out, goes missing for days taking drugs etc. And when I question it and get annoyed he accuses me of all manner of things. Im the least likely to do that.
It feels like he has two personalities. I know when Im being lied to and he obviously knows it too but deflects onto me.
I agree its toxic. He didnt get to his work digs last night and has been uncontactable all night and day yet has been online and called others.
And yesterday was saying how he thought wants us to be together etc etc. But the more I know hes not being truthful and try not to react nowadays the more I can hardly look him in the eye.
I just feel sad as I know its fkd but some stupid part of me keeps hoping. :(
My other relationships have been bad too I was cheated on every time and yes my parents had horrible relationships as well.

OP posts:
SilverySurfer · 03/03/2020 21:10

Surely the basis of a good relationship is that you love, respect and care for each other. I don't see any of those things happening in your relationship from what you describe.

OP you must know you're worth more than this. If this is all you think you deserve, please do the Freedom Programme before thinking of going into a new relationship.

osho83 · 03/03/2020 21:13

It honestly feels like I mustnt be. Im doing quite well otherwise in my career and home etc but I feel like I must have something wrong with me. Sorry that sounds so self pitying, I am trying not to be.

OP posts:
osho83 · 03/03/2020 21:14

Will change my number I think and just disappear. If I say Im finishing it it will probably end in more nastiness and upset and Ill probably react, which I dont want to.

OP posts:
user1423578854468 · 03/03/2020 21:14

Have you heard of the Freedom Programme? Given your update there seems a strong possibility you would benefit from attending the group course (it's free and confidential), which teaches what abusive vs healthy relationships look like.

You didn't grow up with the model of healthy relationships you should have had, but you can learn it and break this cycle.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

RUSU92 · 03/03/2020 21:15

What a way to live Sad

Please dump this arsehole and spend some time working on your own issues. The nastiness and text arguments, him going AWOL, you turning off your phone, him calling you names, you being paranoid about him cheating (he may well be to be fair) is all just drama you don't need.

It doesn't have to be this hard. But we are drawn to what we know. Our relationships end up replaying the same shit over and over in the hope we'll somehow get it right this time. But without some intervention, you won't change anything.

Do the Freedom Program, do some reading about toxic relationships, even just read some threads on here about what makes a good relationship. This is not how its supposed to be. You deserve a happier life than this.

osho83 · 03/03/2020 21:16

thank you, i know I need to work on myself. Just feels like years of crap from men has just worn me down now and I cant see the wood for the trees, if you see what I mean.

OP posts:
user1423578854468 · 03/03/2020 21:21

You do deserve happy, healthy relationships with people who genuinely care about you. You also deserve to feel good about yourself and feel worthy of care from others.

It might feel insurmountable now, but one step at a time you will get there. Breaking free of this relationship would be a brave, positive first step.

WhereDidMyEyebrowsGo · 03/03/2020 21:39

You deserve so much better.

The drugs should tell you all you need to know. He loves the drugs more than you.

Don't try and reason with an addict. That way madness lies. Raise your bar!

Walk away, head upright and know you can do so much better.

jmcg2015 · 03/03/2020 21:43

To be frank, it sounds as if you are both unhappy, and both as much as fault as the other - not least that it's unfair to judge someone else who's voices we can't hear. A one sided set of statements never can be balanced. You don't trust him, he doesn't trust you - you accuse him of things, when he does the same you get upset. So probably the end of the line if you both make each other so unhappy

CalleighDoodle · 03/03/2020 21:45

Ffs op. What are you doing with your life?! Finish with this jackass. Move on. Stop wasting your life.

Gutterton · 03/03/2020 22:03

My other relationships have been bad too I was cheated on every time and yes my parents had horrible relationships as well.

Let this be the last time. At the very least blueprint for RSs from your DPs is dysfunctional and toxic - that’s all you know - at worst you were probably emotionally abused and neglected as a child - so again they are your standard expectations.

Take a year out to invest in your emotional development and healing. Read, research and get some therapy to address the deficiencies. Then you will not repeat these RSs and will meet a proper emotionally healthy man. Good luck.

conduitoffortune · 03/03/2020 22:47

You are wasting your 30's on a man who is probably cheating on you, clearly doesn't give one shit about you, and who is making you deeply unhappy. The relationship is going to be over at some point so you might as well face the hurt now, especially as you're hurting anyway even without splitting up with him. And you need to get help for your low self esteem before your next relationship or you will end up with more of the same.

Block his number now. Block him on social media now. Stop agonising over this loser.

pisces12 · 03/03/2020 23:12

Life is way too short for this crap

Closetbeanmuncher · 03/03/2020 23:49

Look at his actions OP not his words. His actions are not that of someone who loves and wants to be with you.

I feel like I must have something wrong with me

The only thing "wrong" is that you're clinging to something that is obviously causing you a lot of distress instead of recognising the disfunction and ending it. I'm guessing this may be a pattern for you?

Personally I think you need to end it and work on your self esteem, but if you continue double up on your contraceptives as a minimum.

osho83 · 03/03/2020 23:56

i have blocked him, not looking back. Thanks all.

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 03/03/2020 23:59

What @Closetbeanmuncher and @Gutterton said.

Take a year out. No men, no dating. Just focus on developing self-esteem, emotional awareness, boundaries, resilience. Read Women Who Love Too Much. Develop friendships with strong, self-reliant women and learn from them. Focus on activities and hobbies that bring you joy.

You will be so much happier on your own, without having to deal with toxic men like your current and past boyfriends.

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