Red flags

[Twirlsandswirls1]

Thought it would be good to start a thread listing things you consider to be red flags in relationships. Maybe someone may see this if unsure and could help them identify red flags.
So I'll start. Mine are:
Live bombing (coming on too strong too soon)
Saying their ex is crazy
Negging
Having opinions about how you live your life early on.
Wanting to move in very soon

So what others do you think?

A different personality for different groups of people
People pleaser who is everyone’s friend
Small white lies in the beginning (big lies to come)
Avoids confrontation entirely
Easily influenced by others opinions
Bad with money. Can’t budget
Can’t just enjoy a couple of drinks - every night out ends with vomiting in the street
Any aggression no matter how trivial it seems

'Spidey senses'
Any behaviour you don't feel comfortable with.

Always asking for money
Jealousy
His Father warned that i was too good for him
Alcoholic, drinks even before heading out to work
More and more people popping up with bad things to say about him
Aggressive when drunk

Addicted to social media and puts on a fake image

Wants to keep you secret
Pushing boundaries especially with sex
The Silent Treatment
Extravagant gifts but doesn’t want to see you often (e.g. in my case he’d send art prints costing hundreds - his taste, not mine - but didn’t want to see me often)
Told me I’d be great in a threesome but only if I lost 20lbs
Praising other women lavishly in order to make you jealous

Fucking grade A nutter. I’m grateful that the ‘relationship’ was mostly online and I could piss off fairly easily after about 2 years.

Ohh and! Tells you they've been told they only have a couple of years left to live (I know some people actually have a terminal prognosis, I'm just saying sometimes this is something manipulators falsely claim.)

They may have a serious health problem but have not been told this, just be saying this to get some response they want/more from you.

Looking back I should've really obviously seen that my ex was lying, as my best friend has the same condition. It's a serious condition but they would never be told that, as in theory they could live for any length of time with it when they're having treatment.

Obviously if you get the 'not got long to live' thing, you could google the condition and that might give you an idea if they're telling the truth, or ask an expert whether they would've been actually told this. Who knows, you may even discover it's bollox straight away.

It's not necessarily a red flag on its own as it may be true, but you could bear it in mind that maybe it isn't true if they do other stuff/lie.

Wow he really made up he was that ill? That's a bit sick.
My ex used to come home unannounced during the day to check up on me (I was on maternity leave). He would use excuses that he was just in the area.
He used to not go out and drink because he could then use that against me. Eg well i don't go out why are you. Why don't you want to stay in with me? You obviously don't love me that much if you're going out.

His Father warned that i was too good for him

That’s actually really sad. The guy probably came from a really fucked up family. Still a red flag though.

Wow he really made up he was that ill? That's a bit sick

It's not unknown unfortunately, more often it's if a woman tries to separate from an abuser, and he's trying to win her back. If the do it, they often claim to have cancer. www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=2571174999825791&id=1493943347548967&comment_id=2571187933157831

Great work leaving your abuser. He sounds very controlling.

Lots and lots of the things already mention but also:
Saying “you’re not like other women.”
Someone who doesn’t think men and women can be friends.

nomore some people are just sick in the head aren't they. Will do anything to not lose that power and control.
This was no where near extreme but my ex magically said his MH weren't right and he needed help and he would get help. Did he get help? Nope he carried on his old ways and I caught him out again lying and cheating.
A few people also like to pull the suicide card to guilt you to stay. It worked on me a few times.

Have seen a few claim to have mental health issues like depression. Know one that claimed to be bipolar (back in college group of pals years ago, not an ex). He was the nastiest piece of work n knowing what I know now I think he was probably some sort of sociopath and used bipolar as an excuse for his shittyness. Not to say he couldn't have been both of course.

I think they often use non descript mh issues to get us to excuse their shit. Realistically it wouldn't be an excuse for their behaviour anyway. But anything to make themselves poor hard-done by victims.

Know a woman that used to claim she had to use crutches sometimes due to an old car accident injury. Quickly became apparent that actually she just wanted you to carry her shopping for her xD Refused doing her a 'little favour' (after several that week) one week as my family were visiting (she had been pre-warned) and she went batshit. The mask well and truly dropped. Was pretty scary. So I guess look out for claims about ill health that get you to do things for them.

Watch out for 'can you do me a little favour?'(that is actually inconvenient af). But that may be more in friendship type relationships.

Oh and - when they know you are busy with something important (eg:studying for an exam) or someone else- that's when they suddenly want to monopolise your time. Probably because they dont like it that your attention isn't on them.

I think that you should treat anything you are uncomfortable with as a red flag.

Anything like how he is with other people and with friends and family, his behaviour with you, his attitude towards women.

Another red flag is if you are making excuses for him.
Time and again, I see the use of porn or attending strip clubs or whatever defended on here as 'all men do it' but if you aren't comfortable with it, it is a red flag.

Doesn't stick to plans "oh I'm working late, oh I'm ill, oh I've got childcare problems" I'll give the benefit of the doubt ONCE but twice nah fuck off mate. If I want a flake I'll buy a 99p like everyone else.

If I want a flake I'll buy a 99p like everyone else

@NeverYouMind123 Lol!

Can I join in.....

"I think you might be my soulmate"
"I've never connected with anyone like you before"

neverbeen

From the POV of anyone on the receiving end, it’s irrelevant why someone is doing this stuff. Some do it for fun, some because they are damaged and don’t know better. But no one owes it to anyone to stick an unpleasant or damaging relationship out just because the person can’t help it.

I think hope shines bright for you though. You are here, reading, leaning, working on yourself. You ALREADY have spotted stuff and think you might have done one or two of the things mentioned And you already know that these things are not good things. The arsehils we are discussing dont know and don’t care.

We are all guilty of crappy behaviour at times. That’s called being a human Don’t beat yourself up.

Sounds like you are working really hard on yourself (seen some of your other posts) you seem very self aware, and willing to try. You are NOT like the people we are talking about.

I really hope things get better for you.

Being told that "you're the sort of woman I'd marry". Being young and foolish, I took it as a compliment at 3 weeks in. Then came the story of his parents' vicious divorce, so of course he couldn't risk getting married. Well, not to me.

I love you. Forever.

After two weeks. Ok.

Good thread...
My experience:
What they say and what they do is completely different (took me years to realise that with my exh), Every good day was celebrated with a drink, every bad day was commiserated with a drink.
Everything had to be 'we' I couldn't just be me. Took the credit for my achievements. Had to negotiate 'me' time. Him and his needs came first.
I kid you not he once asked me to bath him!! And thought that as his wife I should want too... lol

More recently following separation from exh:
Don't tell anyone about us
I'm really private
Everything is 'ex's' fault
She just left
I do everything
Your value is how much money you have
Their job / career is more important
Nobody works as hard as them
Hissy fits and then composes self - BIG RED FLAG

Oh needed antibiotics after sleeping together (both times) but I was the 'only one'!!!