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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Red flags

72 replies

Twirlsandswirls1 · 02/03/2020 22:19

Thought it would be good to start a thread listing things you consider to be red flags in relationships. Maybe someone may see this if unsure and could help them identify red flags.
So I'll start. Mine are:
Live bombing (coming on too strong too soon)
Saying their ex is crazy
Negging
Having opinions about how you live your life early on.
Wanting to move in very soon

So what others do you think?

OP posts:
anotherdisaster · 03/03/2020 12:42

I agree with all of these and shall add in some (sorry if they've already been mentioned) :

Tight with money
Constant contact needed - texting etc
Constantly sending selfies of themselves (weird)
Not much contact with their children
Talks about themselves way more than they ask about you
Bad reaction to you changing/cancelling plans
Increased contact when you are out with friends or others
Large periods of 'going quiet'

MikeUniformMike · 03/03/2020 12:51

His best mates have histories of DV.

Twirlsandswirls1 · 03/03/2020 13:30

@wobblywinelover you have pretty much described my exes and people I've dated bar a few. Obviously now I'm not so naive after doing alot of research on abusive people.
Triangulation is a one! My ex at 1 point text my mum sagging me off in a"jokey" way. I only found out when my mum mentioned it and I said he isn't joking. That was one of the last straws to me leaving.
Also another one is telling you your friends don't care about you. Why do you hang around with them. I treat you better than them.
Having their phone ALL the time. Taking it to the toilet, never leaves it around. On it all the time. My recent ex was messaging numerous women. When I confronted him he made out I was crazy and it wasn't what it seemed.
When I was a teenager I had a bf follow me in the clubs and storm off when I weren't paying him attention.
Insisting on public displays of affection even when it makes you uncomfortable. Gets in a mood when you tell them you're uncomfortable.

OP posts:
Pandamoore · 03/03/2020 13:46

Ooh triangulation is defo a good one!

Did you know they can actually TRIANGULATE you with THINGS/PLACES as well as people! My first ex would always bring up wanting to live in america. Usually whenever I was feeling happy/relaxed (they like to whip the carpet out from under you). At first I just thought it was his dream so even though it hurt I tried not to let it show. But now I look back and realise it was just another way of making me feel like he wasnt happy with his lot and that being there with me wasnt good enough. He 100% meant for me to feel that way. Was reading in later years about how they can triangulate you with places and things as well as people and had a lightbulb moment! He would compare me to his ex a lot too, so he had form for it.

snowdaynoday · 03/03/2020 14:16

See my ex never said a bad word about his ex, had a great job and got on well with his family but love bombed like hell!!!
Sent flowers, called and spoke for hours. Compliments, little gifts.

All fake until too late.

LettyFisher · 03/03/2020 15:01

re psycho ex - having an actual psycho ex is a big red flag. I had a bf with a full on stalking, obsessive, deranged ex who quickly turned her attention to me as well as him.

lovebombing is the main red flag I'd say. Normal relationships don't move that fast, but it's so easy to get swept up in the excitement. I think in any relationship you just have to be cautious for months. It really isn't real until you know them. If you protect yourself and maintain boundaries, you should be ok.

JudyGemstone · 03/03/2020 15:13

Being one of life's eternal victims- nothing ever being his fault and never taking any responsibility for anything ever.

Pandamoore · 03/03/2020 15:13

Some lovebomb and some do the opposite: they put themselves on a pedestal. So they make you feel like you should be thankful to have any of their time.

They may turn up late and not apologise for example or get annoyed at you for having a problem with it. I'd say half are more that way than the putting you on a pedestal type of love bomber.

cosmicbabe · 03/03/2020 15:54

Talking about ex in a derogatory manner as a 'psycho' or 'crazy' ex. That's a massive red flag

So I have been dating someone for 10 months now and he said this about 3 of his long term Ex's when we met.. I said to him well it's not all one way I'm sure. I have now seen first hand that one of them is indeed a nutter. So perhaps not always a red flag? Just saying...

cosmicbabe · 03/03/2020 15:58

But also he did lots of love bombing. Telling me he adores me ect ect. Hmm lol. Now I'm worried! Hmm

Twirlsandswirls1 · 03/03/2020 16:37

Sorry cosmic but I would be very wary. Crazy exes and love bombing

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 03/03/2020 16:58

After reading another thread on here: moving in quite quickly and expecting to pay nothing in rent because your mortgage is paid off. And dragging their heels over paying bills, too.

NoMoreDickheads · 03/03/2020 17:08

^some do the opposite: they put themselves on a pedestal. So they make you feel like you should be thankful to have any of their time.

They may turn up late and not apologise for example or get annoyed at you for having a problem with it. I'd say half are more that way than the putting you on a pedestal type of love bomber^

@Pandamoore Good point, a narc could do that. Enough/often enough, turning up late (esp without properly apologizing) or other crapness would come under the heading of disrespect, and we should expunge them.

Mermaidwaves · 03/03/2020 17:11

cosmicbabe one crazy ex is possible but 3? There's your red flag. I dated a guy who claimed that all of his exes mentally and physically abused him, he was the ultimate victim. But he wasn't allowed access to his children which made me wary. He turned out to be such a narcissist, a male friend of mine had to get involved in the end because he turned into a stalker. Remain on your guard.

Luckystar777 · 03/03/2020 17:20

Negative reactions to saying no to them - on anything.

ThirtyAndASmidgen · 03/03/2020 17:21

I would add:

  • blowing hot and cold
  • unwillingness to make future plans, e.g. for the next date
Luckystar777 · 03/03/2020 17:25

@cosmicbabe consider it's maybe his fault they're nutters.

Obsession with money is another red flag
Also if they keep you apart from their family and friends, and want you to stop talking to your own.

lyingwanker · 03/03/2020 17:42

Any lies
When you find yourself questioning really simple stories because things just don't quite add up
When he keeps the people in his life very very separate

ChangedMyNameYetAgain · 03/03/2020 18:56

Turning things around. Like if you suggest he loses weight, he tells you you are the one with the problem.

Starting to accuse you of being unfaithful for a spurious reason, like a man rang you months ago and this means you are shagging this guy.

Making reasons for keeping you away from certain friends or family members. His or yours.

The psycho ex. This is so that should you ever meet her you will not listen to what she says. It could be that she was emotionally or physically abused by him, or that he was a cheat.

Unusual similarities between the exes.

Strange phone behaviour. No reply when you phone or no reception, changes in amount of calls and texts.

The hobby. New hobby that involves weekends or overnight stays away. Usually male-only events to places with poor mobile reception. probably a hotel bedroom not a cycling event in the Peak District

Changes in attentiveness.

He's nipping out on a quick errand but he showers, shaves and dresses smartly just to nip to B&Q or Halfords or something, and he comes back hours later without whatever he went out for.

Suggesting that you have MH issues, when you don't.

He blames your hormones. PMT, Pregnancy, Perimenopause, Menopause for anything.

Spending a lot of time down the pub but in a different one to your local, with a mate of his you've not met. Darren will turn out to be Karen.

wobblywinelover · 03/03/2020 19:04

This is a really helpful, but sad thread. To think of how many of us have experienced these things. And to think that one persons Mr Red Flag will now be doing it to another woman. What is wrong with these people!

ChangedMyNameYetAgain · 03/03/2020 19:10

What's sad is that the people who would benefit from reading this won't because they'll be blissfully unaware that their OH would ever be like that.

CandyApple1995 · 03/03/2020 19:36

Can I ask what negging is? Never heard of that before.

Twirlsandswirls1 · 03/03/2020 20:08

candy so saying a back handed type comment. So something like you're quite pretty for a short girl or wow you're actually pretty smart. Implying they thought you were dumb. Damages your confidence and makes you second guess. Can make you gain their approval.

Yes so people are unaware that what their partner does it actually red flags. Sad but true but I hope someone reads this thread and it makes them think actually this isn't right.

OP posts:
NeverBeenLoved · 03/03/2020 21:02

This is tough reading.

I recognise a lot of myself in these 'red flags'. I'm aware of some of my tendencies now and don't do them if I can help it but some people aren't doing these things to be deliberately manipulative.

Twirlsandswirls1 · 03/03/2020 21:11

Neverbeenloved
It's good though that you can recognise these and self reflect. I understand sometimes when we aren't taught what a healthy relationship is we get caught up in these healthy ways. It's tough but the more you learn the more you can change and have healthy relationships, 😊

OP posts: