Red flags

[Twirlsandswirls1]

Thought it would be good to start a thread listing things you consider to be red flags in relationships. Maybe someone may see this if unsure and could help them identify red flags.
So I'll start. Mine are:
Live bombing (coming on too strong too soon)
Saying their ex is crazy
Negging
Having opinions about how you live your life early on.
Wanting to move in very soon

So what others do you think?

Jealousy. If I spit even a hint, that's me OUT!

Spit? Spot!

Due to a previous relationship, constant excuses to "just have a few drinks".
And every ex apparantly being a psycho

I'm a nice guy / people always take advantage of me / I'm too nice or generous for my own good etc etc with no proof of this trait other than banging on about it.

Having no friends. Wanting to move in quickly.

@shescurly oh yes I'm a nice guy is a big red flag for me! And then reeling off examples why they are so nice

My DH went through the majority of the red flags in the OPs list and I was very worried at first that I'd fallen for another bloody wrongun. He's still the best husband in the world 5 years later.

My 'worst' ex was just bizarre, he thought it was totally normal to still be in constant daily contact with other women and exs, yet sat in grumpy silence at home. He was also a massive cocklodger, he rinsed my life of every last drop he could squeeze out of it whilst contributing zero.

Definately the nice guy thing and how the world treats them badly. It's always everyone else's fault. I would also say revealing too much too soon, I don't need your whole history of so called bad exes on our first date, or even before we've met!

If they get a bit pissy when you don’t want sex - BYE

Love bombing and moving too fast
Saying they like your hair like that or that outfit (later it will be negging and what they don't like)
Being rude to others
Being very judgemental about others (your turn next).
Any addictions.
Blowing hot and cold
When what they say does not match with what they do.
Trying to isolate you from your family and friends.
Feeling strangely defensive/walking on eggshells when you are with them.
Feeling emotionally drained because you don't know what's going on in the relationship (see blowing hot and cold).
They have no friends and/or are estranged from family.
Your find yourself trying to find out more about them via third parties.
When you find yourself making excuses for their behaviour.
When they try to make you feel sorry for them, particularly after they've behaved badly.
Can't hold down a job/useless with money/asks to borrow off you.
Any violence.

Last pp mentioned about the hair, I agree. Its an odd one but if they say something like 'have you ever considered going blonde?/I think youd suit blonde' (when you are brunette for example) - run! It's a round about way of saying 'I want you to think I think you dont suit brunette'. Obv works the other way around or about other possible feature changes. I just mention it as have heard it from three separate abusive sorts,early on in dating.

• it's to see how amenable you might be to changing for them. Or at least to tolerate ambigious comments about your appearance (might then move on to negging).

Weird parental dynamics such as lacking independence as an adult, overly close relationships or parents overly dependent on child.

No resilience to setbacks. Needing excessive levels of support for minor issues.

Strange interactions with friends and siblings. Lack of long term friends.

Constant phone use.

All their ex-girlfriends are apparently psychotic.

Men that talk about building an empire/kingdom - I have always found these guys to have incredibly average jobs (which is totally fine) but delusions of grandeur.

Lack of friends.

Talk negatively about their mother/father very early on.

Can't stick at a job
Is rude and dismissive to service workers
Gets arsey if you do stuff without him
Makes you feel shit but is "only joking"
Has strong opinions about what you wear
Dislikes your friends
Criticises your family
Is inflexible about the time he spends on his hobbies
Gambles
Plays video games to excess
Can't apologise, or is always "Sorry, but..."
Has children he doesn't see or adequately pay for

I'm sure I can think of more, but it's too depressing!

Yes to the 2 pp about the hair. I was once out having drinks. Got chatting to this one guy. Known him all of a hour. He turns around and says I don't like your hair like that!! He then asked for my number I obviously told him where to go.
Also about the "not joking" thing my abusive ex loved this one. It used to really get to me and when I stood uo for myself he would tell me I was so insensitive and had no sense of humour. Picking on someone physically or mentally isn't funny

I don't think gaslighting has been mentioned but I feel maybe that comes a bit later when you know them a bit better? Correct me if I'm wrong

This thread is so helpful!

I've just ended things with a guy that taught me all about red flags!

His biggest one was "being friends with his ex" turns out for 8 months he was still seeing her and me

Glad it's helpful. Hopefully this thread can help a few people see the red flags :)

I would add how they treat staff serving you when out for a meal etc. Tells a lot about a person IMO.

Lovebombing
Gaslighting
Insults disguised as 'jokes'
negging
Any controlling behaviour which includes comments about your appearance and what to wear, isolating you from your friends or family, taking hold of the finances
Any form of secrecy or being caught in a lie
Triangulation - comparing you with others so that you feel like you're inadequate
Being competitive with you in an immature way
Frequent mood swings
Being addicted to phone
Talking about exes badly or being rude to people in every day life
Admissions of being a dickhead or a bad boy, or selfish etc - when someone tells you who they are - believe them the first time.
Future faking - making promises they're never going to keep
When you just feel that something is 'off' and find yourself playing detective.
Walking on eggshells around them
Being given the silent treatment
Quick declarations of love or soul mates
Provoking jealousy via social media eg excessive likes on other women's posts
Accuses you of emotions they are intentionally provoking
Focuses on your mistakes and ignores their own
Showing any form of hypocrisy
Someone who lacks empathy
Someone who flatters your deepest insecurities to try and manipulate you
Any manipulative behaviour or threats of self harm or suicide
Wants to put down successful people or doesn't like seeing other people happy - appears jealous
Someone who expects you to be a mind reader
Selfishness and laziness
A fear that any fight or disagreement could be your last
Unusual amount of 'crazy' people in their past
People who won't take no for an answer
Someone who won't respect any of your boundaries
Pushy people
People into way out violent kinky sex
Sex addicts
Showing any form of aggression - ie when driving
Addictions in general
Someone moulding their likes and interests around yours so that they can appear like the perfect partner
People being vague and non committal in general conversation

I could go on, but these are things i've experienced - needless to say i'm remaining single thanks. Too many of these people about

All their ex-girlfriends are apparently psychotic.

This, so much.

Talking about ex in a derogatory manner as a 'psycho' or 'crazy' ex. That's a massive red flag

Disrespecting you in any way.
Sharing other's secrets with you or slagging others off to you (two faced- supportive to their face/via messenger.) Lying to others. This is a sign he is a liar etc and maybe also insincere to you.
Claims he never lies, but thinking about it he frequently does.

One of mine was particularly in to sex, so a lot of the talk was about sex and asking/wheedling for stuff he knew I wasn't happy to do.
Agree with PP that nagging/going in a strop if they don't get sex isn't something I would tolerate now.

Sharing other's secrets with you or slagging others off to you (two faced- supportive to their face/via messenger.)

Ooh this is a good one I hadn't thought of. "He told me xyz because he knows I don't gossip, but..."