DH watching porn

[MrsNamechangeforthis2]

Me and my DH share the same apple account on our phone's so we each get each other's photos.
Today I just had a look in my photos to show my 5 year old daughter something to find a porn, a photo man and a woman. I told him, he then scuttled off it's now deleted. I don't really know what to say to him. The screen shot was last night when I was asleep next to him. We haven't slept together for 2 weeks I've been recently diagnosed with an illness and I've been quite poorly and tired I've also got two small children to take care of. We've been together 18 years nothing like this before. We are mid 30s

You've posted this earlier today haven't you?

Yes I have but I wanted to change the title but couldn't work it out so started again. Sorry

I don't know I never really thought about it but regardless I think it's something I should have maybe known about first.
It was a shock to find that in my camera roll.

Maybe wrongly I feel a little betrayed.

I don't think it's a big thing. Obviously I know some people are offended by husband/boyfriend watching porn and I understand that but I really don't think it's a big issue. But that's my opinion.

My boyfriend watches it and I even watch it.

I hated the thought of my bf jerking off to some other woman on a porn site. I felt like he wanted her. I didn’t like that. Same with celebrity crushes. You want angelina jolie do you (but she wouldnt want you in a million years) but you can’t get her so you want me as your second choice, er no thanks.

I dont like being second best to anyone. If you don’t want me fine but don’t use me coz you can’t get her!

Quite happy for others to use porn or whatever. It’s just not my thing.

I think it would be weird for him to say ‘right love, I’m off for a wank, I’ll probably use porn. Night!’

I think you need to decide if it’s something you mind him using or not, he shouldn’t have to ask first though.

He really should be covering his tracks out of respect though. I don’t mind my DH using it within reason but I don’t want to see it or hear about it! He feels the same about me using it.

Ask him does he want your daughter to go into the industry when she's older?
After all, there's a good living to be made, a great career if that's what she wants. It's empowering for a women to use her body like this, that's what he'd say, right?
If he disagrees with this, then why does he disagree?

I responded to your first post about this

Just ask him. If he uses porn to have a wank but is still sexually interested in you I wouldn't worry too much. If hes not interested in you then you've got a problem

It hurts, yes. I hate that my DH uses pornhub for a wank but he does and I know he does because we've spoken about it. He likens it to my vibrator. I use that for a quick orgasm, he uses porn or a sexy image to get him there. I hated it on first discovery but I now understand a lot more and it hurts less

Each to their own with this though

Ps
Expect this thread to be derailed completely by posters ranting about the moral rights and wrongs of porn. Even though that's NOT what you asked for, expect it anyway

I don’t agree with porn but I know that others do. I just think its like if a man was allowed a naked woman round to have a wank over but not allowed to touch her, just to get him off. To me there is no difference in wanking over a naked woman on a screen that could not even be in the same country to watching her in the flesh but not being allowed to touch her. They are the same thing. I just don’t get it, we are at the point in time where it is absolutely ok to watch people have sex on a phone screen/laptop but if you mention to anyone if they like dogging they would look at you in disgust. To me watching people have sex on a screen is no different to watching people have sex ANYWHERE wether it be in a car or in the woods etc. I don’t think I’ll ever understand it.

Thanks everyone

Well we've had an argument because he doesn't understand why I'm pissed off and I can't understand why he thinks ok to watch porn and wank next to me while I'm asleep and that it ended up in my camera roll for the kids to see.

I'd just rather not know.

Do all men do this???

You say you would rather not know— you see I felt totally the opposite,I would rather know and then decide if it’s something I can ‘put up with’ or what boundaries I had around it. Everyone is different I know

Agreed

It's normal, especially if you can't have sex right now. What would you prefer him to do?

I think it's wrong and disrespectful that he watched it next to you when you were sleeping but I personally don't have a problem with my DH watching porn.
I know my DH does and it did used to bother me but it doesn't anymore.
We've been together 11 years and married for 5 and we are in our early 30s.
I don't enjoy watching porn as I actually think it's quite boring!! My DH would love us to watch it together and that would be he ultimate turn on but I just don't enjoy it.
But what I've realised is that when men watch it, it's not because they find their partner any less attractive it's because they just enjoy watching sex! It really is that simple.
I would talk to your DH about how it made you feel and ask him to be more careful as you would want you DD to stumble across such picture but try not to let it effect your relationship.
Why don't you try watching a bit yourself and see how it makes you feel? Search for something that turns you on, then maybe you'll realise it's the watching of the act you perhaps enjoy watching rather than the actors performing it ...

Of course he should not have left it somewhere that your kids could see. But otherwise there is nothing to worry about here IMO, many, if not most, guys look at porn. It is not an indication that they are unhappy with their partners or looking to cheat - it's all about a quick wank when she isn't up for it.

If you don't want sex atm then you should not worry about your DH masturbating, he can't just switch off his urges because yours happen to be awol . My DW tells me to have a wank if I come on to her when she isn't interested and often I go right ahead and do it in the bed next to her while she carries on reading. I wouldn't have done this in the early years of our relationship but she's fine with it now. Openness about this kind of thing strengthens a partnership.

I would not expect it next to me but yes in my opinion a hell of a lot of men do this

Meh. It’s not ideal but it happens. As a previous poster said, I imagine he used it to get him to the point he could have some sexual release. I do it sometimes when my husband is unavailable for sex for whatever reason, so does my husband. Do I want to know about it? No, not really and neither does he but I don’t want to know the details of lots of areas of his life- his private ablutions in the bathroom or his latest trip to the hygienist- either.

As for the “I don’t want to be second best” thing.... come on. Really? Maybe I’m just oversexed but I fancy lots of men in lots of different contexts.... men I casually see in the lift at work or on the tube, men on the TV, doesn’t mean my DH is “second best” just means he’s not the only man in the world I’m capable of fancying.

OP - if you were from a much older generation where sex was smth not much talked about - I’d understand your question of ‘do all men do it’....
But you are mid 30s... Surely you know people (men, women) masturbate and it’s Ok. Some use toys (mostly women), others use visuals (men and some women)....
Doing it in bed when their partner is asleep is perfectly OK. Waking you up and demanding sex at that time of the night when he felt the need - would certainly not be Ok.
But as others said - you are off sex, and he isn’t pestering you. So - he is taking care of his need for sex without making it an issue.

Saving a pic of a phone that a child can see is a silly mistake. So he should take better care.
Also - personally I’d not like the lack of privacy that sharing Apple ID has. Why not have your own so you both have a little more privacy?

Don't allow people to tell you that all men watch porn therefore it's okay. It doesn't have to be the norm. It's fine if you don't want your husband to look at porn. He doesn't need it to masturbate (and if he does, well then that's a problem).

I wonder if there are men’s forums where they discuss female masturbation and their issues over vibrators. Their feeling of inadequacy or being compared to unrealistic standard of hardness, size and performance....
And if other men tell them - women don’t need those to masturbate, and you don’t have to accept it....etc.
It’d be a mirror of MN female porn discussions.

Vibrators are not trafficked and abused for female pleasure. I hardly think you can compare porn use to people using sex toys.

Wouldn't bother me at all, as long as there is emotional connection and intimacy then I wouldn't be phased, if my DH was looking at it more than he wanted to have sex with me then I'd be concerned