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Original poster

The truth behind his 'depression'

78 replies

Rainydayss · 28/02/2020 22:38

So years later of supporting him through his depression and sacrificing my own life/career/sanity I have now found out the truth that he has been having an affair for years.
We have divorced recently but the truth has finally but just come out, what a prize bellend.
I always had suspicions - always trust your gut!

OP posts:
Weenurse · 28/02/2020 22:41

I am sorry this happened to you 💐

BuddhaAtSea · 28/02/2020 22:43

God, it really messes with your head, doesn’t it?
I’m sorry. Be kind to yourself. Flowers

TheresGotToBeMoreToLife · 28/02/2020 22:45

Snap! My ex's depression was due to the fact that one month before our wedding day he had an affair. His baby was born 8 months after our wedding day. I found out two years later.

HollowTalk · 28/02/2020 22:46

I had one like that. I think people without any experience of it think men are having the best of both worlds, but in my opinion they are only living half a life, having to think twice before they say anything, always on edge wondering if they're going to be found out. I'm so glad you've got rid of him.

blissfulllife · 28/02/2020 22:47

Amazing how many men use depression as a shield for what they are doing. The cynic in me would say that it's used as a back up plan/excuse for when/if they get caught

Original poster
Rainydayss · 28/02/2020 22:48

Thank you, so upsetting the time he has spent aware from his DC to spend with her while I was supporting his depression and making excuses for his moods, lack of interest and disappearing acts.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rainydayss · 28/02/2020 22:50

Yes I agree about it being a shield - its detracts the attention from what they are really doing (not all cases I know). If he had been honest all those years ago Id have gladly given him the divorce, I only stuck by him to support him through it....what a mug

OP posts:
spongedog · 28/02/2020 22:51

I think their "depression" is driven by some sort of guilt. I dont mean guilt sufficient enough to take responsibility, own actions, be an adult about relationships. But definitely guilt about behaving in a way that any other reasonable adult would consider to be unacceptable. They know the behaviour will cause upset and pain and yet they continue.

Whenever my children talk about their dad being unwell or sad, I think about his lying cheating ways and have no sympathy at all. Now my children are older I am perhaps more honest with them about why I dont share their concerns for their father's health.

Original poster
Rainydayss · 28/02/2020 22:55

I'm trying to be dignified to protect his family from the truth but its hard holding back and I want to tell everyone the real him, especially how they pandered to his sadness.

OP posts:
Lynda07 · 28/02/2020 22:56

I am so sorry Rainydays, that must have been quite a shock to you.

He probably was clinically depressed and it isn't unheard of for people to seek diversion - even anaesthetic - in the form of an affair when they are depressed. I make no excuses for him by saying that but it is a fact, for both sexes. I've even heard of people in hospital for depression having affairs with another patient; a young woman I knew did, she and the man used to go in the garden and hide in the long grass! Neither were married though.

I'm glad you are divorced and hope you have moved on, a wiser woman.

Flowers
Lynda07 · 28/02/2020 22:59

Rainydayss Fri 28-Feb-20 22:55:54
I'm trying to be dignified to protect his family from the truth but its hard holding back and I want to tell everyone the real him, especially how they pandered to his sadness.
........
Don't do that, it will achieve nothing and you are divorced now. It may seem that they pandered to his sadness but his depression was probably very real. Everyone, at some time, does something they are not proud of, he's no exception. It's over now, you are free.

Good luck for the future.

Original poster
Rainydayss · 28/02/2020 23:23

Thanks Lynday07, you speak wise words! I'll probably get to the point eventually but yes freedom is looking and feeling rather good currently.

OP posts:
mamato3lads · 28/02/2020 23:40

Always always trust your gut

RedWine123 · 28/02/2020 23:51

@TheresGotToBeMoreToLife ... oh my goodness. That must have been so awful for you. X

Whatifitallgoesright · 29/02/2020 01:16

Spongedog
Yep. Guilt-induced depression. I've had depression, it didn't make me sneak around, hide things, trick people and betray those closest to me. That's an insult to people who actually suffer depression

BitOfFun · 29/02/2020 01:25

You are doing his family no favours by covering for him. How can they possibly interact with him authentically if they do not know the truth?

GrumpyHoonMain · 29/02/2020 01:36

You should tell his family.

DealOrNoDeal80 · 29/02/2020 06:59

I’m sure guilt plays a part for some people, but in my experience, the ‘depression’ someone having an affair suffers from is far more commonly caused by their feelings for the OW/OM. It’s love sickness.
They’re in this position where they have very intense feelings for someone (an affair stays in the infatuation phase for a long time because you only have the best of someone e.g. amazing sex and highs without the drudgery of real life) and it can cause them heartache as they can’t be with them all the time.

This sounds harsh, but I believe most ‘depressed’ people having affairs, feel that way because they’re stuck with you and can’t be with the OM/OW.

sunshineANDsweetpeas · 29/02/2020 07:43

You should tell his family, your family and close friends. YOU need support through this. I know you're already on your way to a happier life and you're now divorced. It this new info will hit hard and you need support through it. Don't protect him because if some misplaced loyalty

noisehelp · 29/02/2020 08:06

I think not being honest with everyone (his family) about what happened is not helping anyone and it's just going to make your situation worse. It must be exhausting keeping up with a lie. You owe him nothing OP.

Original poster
Rainydayss · 29/02/2020 08:16

Its hard as the OW looks like the shiny new girlfriend and now wormed her way into my DC lives, they would be mortified if the knew that this woman was on holiday with him while they were at home missing him. I don't intend to tell the DC yet I'm very close to his family who were desperately worried about him over the years and I made excuses for him to justify his moods with them etc.

OP posts:
Fochit · 29/02/2020 08:29

I’m sorry Rainydayss Flowers

Lots of comments here but it’s important to realise each situation is different.
Some depressed people have affairs.
Some depressed people don’t.
Some have affairs that make them depressed, sometimes it’s the guilt and sometimes it’s because they want to be with the affair partner.

billy1966 · 29/02/2020 09:14

Tell his family and your children.

You have hidden the truth enough.

Sorry OP, but he has made a mug out of you for long enough.

His family and your children deserve to know the truth.

What a horrible selfish man.

I hope you have a better future.Flowers

franklyidontgiveadamscarlet · 29/02/2020 09:44

Tell the truth and never be sorry.

Woollycardi · 29/02/2020 10:35

You don't need to tell the truth to anyone else, do or don't it's up to you. But you know now, how utterly liberating is that! You don't have to live with him, support him, be deceived by him any longer. You can breathe. Let his life unfold through this and live yours.