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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

The truth behind his 'depression'

78 replies

Rainydayss · 28/02/2020 22:38

So years later of supporting him through his depression and sacrificing my own life/career/sanity I have now found out the truth that he has been having an affair for years.
We have divorced recently but the truth has finally but just come out, what a prize bellend.
I always had suspicions - always trust your gut!

OP posts:

cakecakecheese · 29/02/2020 11:16

Stop protecting him, you've done that for years, put yourself first now.

Clymene · 29/02/2020 11:23

Please tell your children. It will come out eventually and they will be devastated when they learn you have colluded with his lies.

YgritteSnow · 29/02/2020 11:29

I'd tell. I wouldn't protect him a moment longer. How old are your kids? Perhaps not them, if they're too young. Not in a tell tale emotive way but in a factual, this is what was really going on. Otherwise you run the risk of looking cold and bitter when you appear not to care how he is. He's taken enough from you.

YgritteSnow · 29/02/2020 11:30

Exactly what @clymene said.

Gutterton · 29/02/2020 12:00

The depression is a red herring.

When did you find out he had been having an affair and how do you know how long it had been been going on for?

Why did you choose not to talk about it with your IL and DC?

Why did you say your marriage ended?

Only tell the truth if you have real solid evidence as he will deny it and you will look unhinged and bitter. How old are your DC?
Do you think the IL will think less of you if you mention it? Maybe they already know?

But I expect that there are certain people on your circle who either knew at the time and know now.

Closetbeanmuncher · 29/02/2020 12:18

It didn't make me sneak around, hide things, trick people and betray those closest to me. That's an insult to people who actually suffer depression

This with bells on!!

Having a skewed moral compass and sulking because you can't have what you want has NOTHING to do with depression.

DroppedBoxxedRuth · 29/02/2020 12:26

Why are you covering for this arsehole?

I really don't understand why you would martyr yourself about this.

Original poster

Rainydayss · 29/02/2020 16:13

Thanks for your comments. DC are 9 and 11, marriage broke down due to growing apart and lacking in any intimacy and effort (now I know why). Over the years friends/family commented how hard he worked, long hours to support us etc and that bit sticks in my throat knowing what his long hours actually were.

OP posts:

Gutterton · 29/02/2020 18:04

This must be v shocking for you to have learned. How did you find out - did he tell you!

Have YOU just found out about the affair?
Maybe others already know?
Why are you scared to be truthful?
Would you lie if someone asked if there was anyone else involved?
This is too much for you to carry and as others have said your DC won’t thank you for this.

Can you at least speak to a friend in RL?

Hanab · 29/02/2020 18:28

Stop protecting him .. you are doing yourself and kids no favours! Tell whoever you want .. you will then see who has your best interests at heart ..

He did not give a toss whilst enjoying his other life! Rock his world with the truth!

AnyFucker · 29/02/2020 18:32

I don't understand why you are protecting this devious man to your own detriment

I would sing like a fucking canary

GlassOfProsecco · 29/02/2020 20:25

My circumstances are similar - found out my DP had an affair in the past, after years of supporting him through depression.

If he was sorry, took responsibility for his actions & had been a decent partner since then, I might have been able to find a way forward.

I don't see why you are covering for him though - that is very unhealthy.

godorfin · 29/02/2020 21:14

If you care about someone, a family member, for example, you can both disapprove of and condemn an affair and also still care about the person, care that they were depressed. One thing often doesn't exclude the other. Unless you were the partner who was treated badly. The ILs will still probably care about him, and want him to be happy. Though they would also give you more sympathy if that is what you wanted.

Is he still depressed?

Also, it seems odd that he or she told you but didn't tell anyone else and if it wasn't them who told you, unless you have footage or photographs, you can't know for sure. Was it her ex who told you? He may have his own agenda?

In relation to the dc, I would think carefully and do and say to them what is best for them.

CLS81 · 29/02/2020 22:00

@DealOrNoDeal80 You are so right. That's exactly what the "depression" is when having an affair. The yearning to be with the affair partner whilst being trapped with their DH/DW.

GlassOfProsecco · 29/02/2020 22:17

Mine punished me by having an affair; he clearly resented me.

If only I'd known - I would happily have run for the hills.

billy1966 · 29/02/2020 22:52

OP, you are desperate to be decent in the face of indecency.....

You should tell the truth of exactly what has gone on.
It doesn't have to be angry and ugly...just truthful...everyone.
👍

SeaEagleFeather · 01/03/2020 06:54

Please tell your children. It will come out eventually and they will be devastated when they learn you have colluded with his lies

Telling them isn't about revenge, embarassment or anything else. It's about the quality of the relationship with your children.

They've had one parent lie and neglect them for years. They need you to be their honest rock, even for the hardest things in life

There's nothing worse than discovering a much loved parent has covered up someone else's betrayal of you.

GlassOfProsecco · 01/03/2020 07:27

When I found out about DH's affair, I let mutual friends know. I'm not keeping his dirty little secret & need to live my life authentically.

I would have let his parents know, but they have not been in touch (after a 20 year relationship) & as the financial side is not sorted it might derail that process. But if there's an opportunity to tell the truth in the future, I will take it.

Hold your head up high & tell the truth.

Kikkoman · 01/03/2020 07:36

Tell everyone what they are really like. You still feel sorry for him. Fuck that

godorfin · 01/03/2020 08:12

But how does OP know about the affair?! Yet no one else does?

mathanxiety · 01/03/2020 08:15

You need to stop covering for him.

Tell your friends and his family now, and tell your children when you feel they can handle it.

You owe yourself the honour of letting people know what he has put you through. Honour the career you sacrificed for him, honour your experience, your grief, your humiliation. Let people hold your hand and know how your life has really been.

Friendsofmine · 01/03/2020 08:17

Tell the truth OP. These are not your secrets to keep these are his shameful acts and you are sacrificing yourself still, now, for him.

Original poster

Rainydayss · 01/03/2020 10:32

So I found out 6 weeks ago. I had doubts over the years but shrugged them off as he denied anything I suggested, plus I honestly thought he'd never find anyone else as he was constantly down and lacking in self esteem.
I found out due my gut instinct about his girlfriend (we've been separated 18 months, divorced now) so a after a bit of digging on social media its the woman he worked with years ago. Saw a few other things on there which suggested she has known him over the years so I told him I knew all about it (didn't ask or give him chance to say no - figured he would deny if I was completely wrong). Turns out I was completely right.
He wanted to rush the divorce through last year due to his own 'unreasonable behaviour' of being away too much with work/neglect....now I know why...plus now I cant cite adultery in the divorce. Guess that doesn't matter as its done regardless (whoop).

I haven't told family (just close friends) as we've keep things amicable after the split (no reason not to as I didn't know anything). So just debating how to tell them, knowing they spent years worrying about his well being. The depression was a smokescreen, he could clearly function and enjoy several trips away with the OW

OP posts:

Gutterton · 01/03/2020 10:36

Yes tell them - he betrayed them as well.

Gutterton · 01/03/2020 10:37

Has his depression miraculously lifted?

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