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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

The truth behind his 'depression'

78 replies

Rainydayss · 28/02/2020 22:38

So years later of supporting him through his depression and sacrificing my own life/career/sanity I have now found out the truth that he has been having an affair for years.
We have divorced recently but the truth has finally but just come out, what a prize bellend.
I always had suspicions - always trust your gut!

OP posts:

Original poster

Rainydayss · 01/03/2020 10:47

Well in the last few months when he said he was single he made out he was lonely, struggling to cope with his job and had no social life etc....
He's a compulsive liar clearly. Haven't messaged the OW yet but I have a sarcastic and cutting comment to send - again, unsure if I should.
I don't want the DC around her, he had the cheek to say he wants a chance of happiness.

OP posts:

Gutterton · 01/03/2020 10:53

Don’t send any messages. It will back fire. It will be something that will be shared around your friends, family, children and will live forever.

Get your anger out on here, with friends etc

Allow yourself to process the v v deep betrayal that has happened to you and your DCs. You might need professional support to take you through this.

The DC will know that he chose himself and the OW over their childhood. That’s your revenge. Keep dignified (in public)

DelphiniumBlue · 01/03/2020 11:00

I think you should tell your children, simply because they will be aware of there being issues, there will be things that they don't understand but that will make sense once they know the truth.
Another poster made the point about authenticity, keeping up the lies will have adverse effects on everyone.
As for how to tell his family/ mutual friends, when you next speak to them and they ask " how are you? " you reply " furious/annoyed/ relieved because I've just found out ......and that he was lying to me and everyone else all along. "
Don't cover for him any more.

Gutterton · 01/03/2020 11:08

Do you have 100% proof?
What is it?
Did he admit it?
If not - he will just continue to deny it to friends and family and you will look unhinged if you declare the opposite.

MMmomDD · 01/03/2020 11:58

OP - with respect - you need to focus on your own life, future and chance of happiness.
You have been separated for a year in a half. Living in the past won’t help you.
Have you had counselling? It may help you to deal with anger and find a way forward.

He had the affair and left. He managed to keep it a secret. It is what it is, sadly.
Don’t make it harder for your kids to accept their new life - their father has a gf. Making them hate her will only hurt them now and for a very long time.
Why would you want to do it to them? It won’t change anything for you and only damage your kids more.

You can tell the friends and family, fair enough. You’ll probably find that some of them already knew. It’s often like that.

But most importantly. He does have a right to want to be happy. And so do you.
You need to find strength and a way to move past it. For you and your kids as well.

godorfin · 01/03/2020 13:05

Turns out I was completely right But he hasn't actually said this? So you don't have any proof at all, it is all about digging on SM and putting 2 and 2 together? You don't have proof about when they hooked up, and what it involved in the early days?

Greenkit · 01/03/2020 13:16

You owe him nothing

I would tell his family and your children, how he has pulled the wool over everyone eyes.

How you made excuses for him because you believed he was truly depressed, not having an affair as it now transpires.

You don't need to protect him

Original poster

Rainydayss · 01/03/2020 14:33

Yes he has admitted it by saying he's sorry how much he has hurt me and deserves to be hated etc . He hasn't denied any of the things I said,

OP posts:

millymollymoomoo · 01/03/2020 14:43

Sorry but I completely disagree about telling the children. They are children and your marriage and it’s breakdown are adult issues that they shouldn’t get embroiled in
As they get older and into adults that’s different and it’s not as simple as him choosing another woman Over them. People can want to end a relationship without it making them a crap parent who doesn’t care. Of course I’m not condoning the affair but I don’t believe that alone makes someone an awful parent - awful spouse certainly

Clymene · 01/03/2020 15:26

Have you actually read the thread @millymollymoomoo?
You know the bit where the children and the OP have been supporting a depressed man when he wasn't actually depressed? When he was pretending to be struggling with a heavy travel workload when he was actually on a jolly holiday with his squeeze?

They will find out. And they will blame the OP for not telling them the truth.

They have one parent who is an odious liar. The OP doesn't need to compound that betrayal any further.

Clymene · 01/03/2020 15:27

And actually having an affair does make someone an awful parent.

Gutterton · 01/03/2020 15:48

And actually having an affair does make someone an awful parent.

100% - sacrificed their childhood for his cock.

snowdaynoday · 01/03/2020 15:50

Because adult choices never affect children???

mummmy2017 · 01/03/2020 15:53

Many men who cheat long term, leave their 1st partner to move in the the OW tend to cheat on the OW .
Because the OW then becomes boring in their eyes.

Ariela · 01/03/2020 16:18

I'd not say anything directly to his family and friends but anytime they comment on his depression, working all hours etc I'd just let slip subtly that it was what he wanted us all to believe, and at least the kids are not as upset as they might be if they knew the full story. And leave it at that.

millymollymoomoo · 01/03/2020 16:29

Yes I have read it thanks and stand by my comment

godorfin · 01/03/2020 17:36

Yes he has admitted it by saying he's sorry how much he has hurt me and deserves to be hated etc . He hasn't denied any of the things I said

Ok, sorry to be a pedant but what you are saying above is not actually saying he has said that he had been having a full blown affair all the times he was not around with the dc while you were married/together, going away with other woman, pretending to be depressed.

What has he exactly said that he has actually done and when?

It is important, because there is no reason to keep his secrets - but you are either saying to people "He has admitted to doing x y z" or "I strongly suspect he was doing x y z" and there is a big difference. You can trust your intuition in relation to choices you make but you need to be able to distinguish between suspicion and fact when you tell ILs/if and when you talk to your dc.

Original poster

Rainydayss · 01/03/2020 18:38

He has been away several times with her and admitted he did...although as a 'friend' ?! Obviously I laughed and then he gave up lying. Looking back there was always signs, the usual ones we read about on here.
There is so much I don't know and I've just scratched the surface but I know enough.

OP posts:

Qwerty543 · 01/03/2020 18:49

I also don't agree with telling the children. They are 9 and 11 fgs. They do not need to know the ins and outs of any adult relationships, including their parents. I also don't agree with telling his family either. Ultimately they are his family and they aren't going to cast him out. It will do no good and just make the OP look bitter.

godorfin · 01/03/2020 20:29

My ex used to constantly say he "knew" I had had an affair, and take things I said as "evidence". I hadn't had an affair. Nothing I said admitted an affair because I had not had an affair. I am not saying this is the same but unless to the extent you have hard evidence or to the extent your ex has given you actual details, then you have to accept that you do not know for sure what happened or when.

Re your children I think it is ok to tell them you are hurt about the split and the fact that your job suffered etc as long as you don't go into adult nitty gritty or you don't make them feel they have to take sides. Their relationship with your ex is different now, so see what happens in the future - if you feel your ex is doing something wrong in future then you can deal with that as it happens. If you ever have hard evidence then you can consider how you want to deal with the info at the time.

Re inlaws I think it is up to you as long as you stick to facts and make clear what are suspicions and what are facts but be aware that it might cause problems which then might affect your dc.

I am sorry you feel hurt, try to focus on your bright future. Good luck.

arboretum89 · 02/03/2020 05:17

Definitely don't tell the children.

It's an adult relationship- they will be struggling enough with the split, they 100% don't need this, and to complicate things with their dad. We don't tell our kids the ins and outs of our relationships, and this is no different. Plus ExH may decide to then give them "his version" - no matter how wrong this is.

All this will do is mess them up.

I can see why it'd make OP feel better if they were to know but it wouldn't do the DC any good.

KOKO OP.

mathanxiety · 02/03/2020 05:36

So just debating how to tell them, knowing they spent years worrying about his well being. The depression was a smokescreen, he could clearly function and enjoy several trips away with the OW

You should absolutely tell them.

You could say that while he may have been depressed to some extent, it's more likely that his behaviour was calculated to cover up a long-standing extra-marital relationship which you have just recently found out about, and needless to say you are left reeling.

mathanxiety · 02/03/2020 05:40

And actually having an affair does make someone an awful parent.

Bullshit.

You are devoting time and energy to an exciting adventure away from your family, and dividing your attention and affection between your mistress and your family, who are by definition not the people you want to spend time with or expend your energy on. You are actually cheating everyone of the commitment they deserve. Life is all about you and your sexual appetite and your taste for getting away with deception.

Thisismyusernamefornow · 02/03/2020 06:42

I wouldn't tell the children. I didn't tell mine. They will work it out in time and I don't believe they'll resent you for not telling them the nitty gritty. They will see the betrayal and the bigger picture when they're older and more mature enough to deal with it appropriately.

It's tempting to bad mouth or even just want to shout about it but in time this feeling should calm down and dissipate.

You only have so much energy to use in a day and when it's gone it's gone, whether that's used on somebody else or yourself - so use it for you and your children and don't give this scum bag any more of your precious time or energy. It will likely come out anyway fwiw.

GlassOfProsecco · 02/03/2020 07:00

I don't think I would tell the kids at this stage; I think it will be confusing for them & they've had enough to come to terms with already. But if they ask in the future about your break-up, you can address it in an age-appropriate way.

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