Being single at the wrong time- Is the world single woman-friendly?

[LilMissRe]

Hi all

This post is a little ranty- so apologies in advance.

I think it is probably one of those days where my environment was constantly reminding me that I am single and that perhaps I "shouldn't" be. Just today I was looking to buy myself some perfume and a well meaning assistant approached me and told me that there is also a "His" version too. I knew she meant nothing but still, a monologue played out in my head- ha ha

Then, for lunch, went to a food store and found that the better food choices for ready made meals were meals "for 2", not individual- now yes, I can eat for 2 and the bottle of wine that comes with is always welcome, but honestly, my heart sank a little.

The world is not made for single women is it?

I started to look at holidays for the summer and true to fashion, if I wanted to stay a hotel, it works out cheaper travelling as a pair or couple as many places charge a supplement for single occupiers. Single only holidays are marked up too.

I am in my mid 30's, divorced and a proud mum to a teen. I naively thought dating or finding the right guy would be easy. Far from I'm sure you can agree. It feels like I'm at a completely different stage of my life than my friends- finding myself single at the wrong time (I married young, when my friends were single)

I have had many online duds as dates and whilst I'm not giving up I decided to just spend more time with my friends. None are really interested in going out for meals or drinks anymore as they are all coupled up and settled. They'll invite me over, (which I do accept) but that kind of defeats the object.

There is only so much third wheeling I can handle and honestly, on the weekend evenings when my son is with his dad, I don't know what to do with myself. I've taken myself out a few times. At home I clean, I prep, I exercise, I binge watch tv, but it gets boring after a while and sometimes I just want to dress up and go out- with someone. My nice clothes and heels are just gathering dust.

The meetups in my area are mostly daytime,female, older and craft related- which, although great, has not really opened any other stream of socializing.

I've tried Bumble Bff and believe it or not, the women on there are worse than the men- been cancelled on last minute a few times from women.

For any mums in a similar position, have you found anything that helped you process this situation and have you found any strategies or advice that helped?

Thanks for reading! x

I just made the decision to make my life interesting to myself. That's it.

I love that
How did you do that? What do you find makes your life interesting? If you don’t mind me asking?

Sorry that emoji is supposed to be a smiley one not a grin

Where abouts are you located? My friends (and an assortment of other women we've all met) and I set aside a night a month (we all have children between 7 months and 12 years) meet at the local pub until 10/11pm some of us go home to husbands and babies, others go and dance the night away and end up at McDonald's eating chicken nuggets at 4am.
If you're in Cambridgeshire/Huntingdonshire dm me and I'll send you the details were always happy to invite newbees.
We're all between 28 and 40.
And to make it sound more legit, we call ourselves bookclub. (Some of us actually are part of a real bookclub where we read and discuss books too)

Following with interest

I’m a single mum. I have recently made a few friends on Frolo app, when you find people in the same life situation as yourself it definitely helps.

I also just started lessons in a new sport. It’s fun and I am meeting new people. I know taking up a new hobby is a total cliche answer but I am genuinely enjoying it.

These things have helped me. Trying to date didn’t it was just massively depressing!

Oh that sounds lovely!
I live in Wales, so it’s quite a way away from the book club. Shame

I’ve not heard of Frolo- I’ll look into it.
What sport have you taken up?

I'm in a very similar situation. I've been single for a few years and I just can't seem to find any friends either. I spend most of my time alone and to be honest I'm really lonely. I would love to meet a nice man and enjoy life but I still have a few stone to lose yet so I'm concentrating on finding friends first.

I love the bookclub idea, I think I might borrow that one!

All of those things apply to single men as well though.
I'm 55 and have been single for a long time.

I agree with @OldWomanSaysThis, I just do what I want to do. I go to gigs, cinema, theatre, sometimes with friends but mostly on my own. I have a son so still holiday with him, but before him I had no problem going on my own. He is away with Scouts for two weeks in the summer, I will probably have a few days off work and go on a city break.
Weekend daytimes are so busy that Im happy enough to watch TV in the evenings, never been one for dressing up anyway.
I have a good life, I enjoy it by focusing on what I have got and can do, not what I dont have and cant do

I like being a single woman, and find life generally supportive. I also have one dc, so if travelling we just book a twin room. No single person supplement.

I've added parkrun and a martial arts class to my week. We swim & cycle.

It would be lovely to find a new partner, but having tried a few OLD sites I decided it wasn't the sites that were at fault, it was the men. They were vile.

Meeting people when I'm running or at work is easier.

Single here for a year with a teen. I did feel a bit lost in the beginning but I have embraced it, am I'm a much better place now than I was.

I work full time and am studying (never get time to do it at work sadly even though I am meant to).

I have filled my evenings with activity, yoga and netball a couple of times a week. I might pop out for a drink one night a week with people from work. See family one afternoon at the weekend and go to the rowing club another afternoon.

DD rarely sees XH, I felt like you did in the beginning but now have an evening in, something nice to eat and a couple of glasses of wine/film.

Are you newly single OP? It is so much easier than it was in the early days for me.

I have also joined the WI - the one that makes cocktails not jam.

It gets easier/you get better at it

I've been single almost 17 years now to all intents and purposes.

At first I felt awkward going cinema etc alone, but now it doesn't bother me and if you go at certain times you avoid the couples/families too. Some events are more likely to have singles too - comedy clubs, theatre and lectures all have lots of other singletons attending and often at intervals/drinks after you end up making friends.

Holidays I went with dd and just booked twin rooms but I couldn't afford any holidays often we've only done 3 her whole life for that reason. Best was traditional seaside resort in England, we luckily got an excellent b&b (funnily enough run by a welsh couple) and the weather was glorious (not always guaranteed in Uk) and dd was perfect age to enjoy a "bucket and space" holiday (8).

Socially I would actually suggest checking out any local lesbian bars/clubs near you. You don't have to be lesbian/bi to go, though I am. But I've recommended to others in early singlehood as a "safe" way of going on a night out and it's worked ok for them.

I love a good binge watch, but I also enjoy listening to radio (recently discovered r4), playing games/quizzes on my phone (the quizzes can lead to piquing interest and it can be interesting to read up on what you learn), I speak a few languages and I brushed up on those at times, I also knit & cross stitch.

Early on in my singlehood my grans were still alive too and they loved if I called for a blather. As did a few of my aunties. Brought us closer.

I’ve been single for three years now.
All these ideas sound lovely and I am doing them, but, maybe it’s my own company that’s a little boring ha ha

I’m just bored and fed up of doing stuff on my own. I do go to the cinema regularly on my own, I travel abroad alone and go on day trips but It’s getting a bit samey. Plus, I know this comes across superficial but I want to be able to dress up again and have a reason to- there are only so many times I can sit in a restaurant alone in a dress all in the name of “being ok with my own company” and “dating myself”

I don’t yet have the confidence of just going to a bar on my own all dressed up, I just don’t feel safe doing that. Same goes with some gigs.

I know single men are also probably struggling but in my current single and fed up state of mind I’m going to say it’s still their world and being a single guy is (generally) a very different struggle than it is for a single woman- from bars/clubs/pubs to traveling alone to even the price of products.

They want all the perks and little responsibility in return because life is somewhat easier for them (which reading this does beg the question why I want to find another relationship anyway )

But I’d like the bar to be reason for men. The system is squewed.

Bar to be raised*

Making my life interesting to me meant starting from the very beginning and defining myself. I was not clearly defined as a person in the first place. I kept looking to attach to other people in order to define myself. He took me awhile to swing the camera around and aim it at me.

What do I like? How do I like to dress? What looks good on me? What do I enjoy? What is interesting to me? What do I dislike and never want to do again? I started a blog. I read more. I got into fashion. I stopped watching the news so much. I found joy in my job. I took up meditation. All these things because I wanted to do them, not as an excuse to meet anyone or a way to kill time while I wait for my actual life to start. Just genuinely living my own life for me.

Same situation as you OP. I just pencil things in with my friends when we can (not easy when they are married and small children), have thrown myself into work and perservering with OLD. Treating it more as a chance to go out, meet someone new and low expectations has helped a lot!

I'm similar and feel like giving up on dating altogether.

In the past few weeks i have:

Let my crush know i was interested and had absolutely no response whatsoever. He's still making eyes at me, despite not bothering to repond to my note.

Had a failed first date with a woman who seemed nice enough but got gradually more controlling/ princessy to the point of having an epic flounce.

Been chatted up by a married man ON MUMSNET!

Had umpteen pointless, go-nowhere online conversations with both men and women on tinder, happn & bumble - where people disappear as soon as you display a milimetre of personality - even talking about watching Netflix with a glass of wine is a no-no apparently .

All the walking groups near me are older women, mainly. Was thinking about an art meetup but they seem poorly attended.

I really enjoy being single.

To be fair though, I'm 29 (had DS young) so most of my friends are still single and childfree. My closest friend is a single mum like me. So I have plenty of people who are up for doing things on a weekend when my DS is with his dad.

Maybe in 10 years time when I have a teenage son who wants to spend time with his mates instead of me, and my friends are married and have young children I might struggle!

I’m single & still living with my STBEXH. I remember the last tine I was single and it is tough. I agree with everything you wrote in the OP!

My plan for this time around is to focus on hobbies. That’s what the single men I know do! They do look for women but it doesn’t seem to consume them as much as it does is gals. So I have three hobbies (one is fitness-based, one is learning a language and the other is creative). Between those and work, I imagine I’ll be very busy indeed. I know I’ll get lonely but it won’t compare to the sheer torture I put myself through the last time I was single allowing men to call the shots, waiting on texts, being their therapist and generally putting up with crap! I’m going to focus my energies on my hobbies, health and happiness. If a wonderful guy cones along, wip-de-do! but I won’t be settling for less than wonderful this time around.

Not sure if it helps at all - but I feel stuck in an unhappy marriage and absolutely dream of being single and doing stuff by myself.
I know the reality will be different but at least I’ll only have myself to answer to.
Currently faffing in the bathroom to put off the inevitable - it’s been a week so I know I’ve got to dtd tonight and I really don’t want to
I think there’s also every chance that as you go through your 30s and early 40s you’ll find more of your married friends might become single again. Not sure if that helps....

I know single men are also probably struggling but in my current single and fed up state of mind I’m going to say it’s still their world and being a single guy is (generally) a very different struggle than it is for a single woman- from bars/clubs/pubs to traveling alone to even the price of products.

They want all the perks and little responsibility in return because life is somewhat easier for them

Where did that come from? Not denying there's a different struggle, however how does that automatically translate into your last sentence? And how does that have any bearing on your question?

But I’d like the bar to be reason for men. The system is squewed.

Seriously, I sympathise with your plight, however if you want to look at "skewed" ask any man who's not over 6ft or good-looking about how easy it is to get a single date, let alone one with a loser... Women have it much, much easier in that regard.

Two years single, I find I have the same problem with friends being coupled and with children meaning nights out are very limited. I'm lucky I have different groups of friends so I see them at different times. But the big nights out don't happen anymore and I often wonder how I'm supposed to meet another guy. I actually miss being part of a couple too.

I joined a gym and have made some new friends (am meeting one for coffee next week) and may possibly have met a guy (we are currently at the flirting stage), I didn't do it to make friends or meet a guy but it's worked out that way.

I have two lovely friends who have been single for years now and they've just given up too. They're only mid 30s but have tried so many dating apps, new hobbies, meet ups, sitting in pubs, going out with friends....and nothing. The men all are just fishing for a conquest, or are menchildren incapable of adult emotions. So they're single not by choice and its hard for them. Work and friends has become their life (both want children so much but doesn't look like it's going to happen with anyone meaning anytime soon). Another friend is also mid 30s and has been single.for 10 years. There's just no one.

They also get blamed for "not finding any suitable men" as in "you must not be looking in the right place/enough places/being too picky/choosing the wrong ones/writing the wrong dating profiles" etc. No, it's just there are honestly.no decent men out there who aren't just looking for a shag conquest.

@YouJustDoYou

Would your friends consider alternative routes to having children?

I did, because I was single and mid-30s.