Being single at the wrong time- Is the world single woman-friendly?

[LilMissRe]

Hi all

This post is a little ranty- so apologies in advance.

I think it is probably one of those days where my environment was constantly reminding me that I am single and that perhaps I "shouldn't" be. Just today I was looking to buy myself some perfume and a well meaning assistant approached me and told me that there is also a "His" version too. I knew she meant nothing but still, a monologue played out in my head- ha ha

Then, for lunch, went to a food store and found that the better food choices for ready made meals were meals "for 2", not individual- now yes, I can eat for 2 and the bottle of wine that comes with is always welcome, but honestly, my heart sank a little.

The world is not made for single women is it?

I started to look at holidays for the summer and true to fashion, if I wanted to stay a hotel, it works out cheaper travelling as a pair or couple as many places charge a supplement for single occupiers. Single only holidays are marked up too.

I am in my mid 30's, divorced and a proud mum to a teen. I naively thought dating or finding the right guy would be easy. Far from I'm sure you can agree. It feels like I'm at a completely different stage of my life than my friends- finding myself single at the wrong time (I married young, when my friends were single)

I have had many online duds as dates and whilst I'm not giving up I decided to just spend more time with my friends. None are really interested in going out for meals or drinks anymore as they are all coupled up and settled. They'll invite me over, (which I do accept) but that kind of defeats the object.

There is only so much third wheeling I can handle and honestly, on the weekend evenings when my son is with his dad, I don't know what to do with myself. I've taken myself out a few times. At home I clean, I prep, I exercise, I binge watch tv, but it gets boring after a while and sometimes I just want to dress up and go out- with someone. My nice clothes and heels are just gathering dust.

The meetups in my area are mostly daytime,female, older and craft related- which, although great, has not really opened any other stream of socializing.

I've tried Bumble Bff and believe it or not, the women on there are worse than the men- been cancelled on last minute a few times from women.

For any mums in a similar position, have you found anything that helped you process this situation and have you found any strategies or advice that helped?

Thanks for reading! x

I did suggest that to them..They're dead set on finding a partner though to have them with.

Just curious OP, in what ways do you think life is easier for single men?

There's just no one.

Perhaps it's the demographic in their region.

Perhaps they should move region to one with good proportional stats for men.

Last time i suggested this, a poster ridiculed it to excess; it was the most ridiculous thing she'd apparently ever heard.

Because moving to somewhere else on this planet; which generally all have the same characteristics (air, water, houses, jobs, schools, libraries, supermarkets etc. and we also have air travel and good comms to keep in touch with family etc. ) that has a good male demographic (due to the nature of jobs in that region for example) in order to have a breed chance of having a family for example.. is so utterly utterly ridiculous.

*a good chance
Freudian autocorrect there

So which region does have the best stats then @GilbertMarkham?

I believe parts of Canada, Silicone Valley region (obviously harder to get a visa for US than Canada on average but depends on your job/skills), some ME countries (though obviously there are religious/cultural issues with that if men are not ex pats) ....

It would take research with lots of factors considered; start googling.

My point was that in the past women sometime went were the men went (who went where the work was), Ive met descendants of women who emigrated to Oz specifically as part of a find a husband, government backed "programme". Now we have way more employment opportunities as women and you may think it's an outdated notion; but being employed is separate from having a partner to have a family with, and many many women do not want to have children through donor sperm on their own.

in what ways do you think life is easier for single men?

I am not sure it is easier for my single men friends. Apart from their former partners/wives seem to do most of the childcare giving them free time. That is certainly the cast for me too.

I think some social situations might be easier for a single man - having a pint alone in a pub for instance. I used to travel a lot with work - away at least half the week - and thought nothing of going out for dinner alone or having an evening in the hotel bar.

I wouldn't go out for a drink alone or to a restaurant alone where I live though - I would feel a bit judged and wouldn't want to be chatted up by some of the single men (I know through work) who live here. I feel like I am avoiding a potentially awkward situation by not going for a drink alone here.

No problem with going for coffee, lunch or to the cinema/theatre alone though.

@LilMissRe you are much younger than me but I totally understand your feelings as I was in this situation for several years before I met my now H . Certain times are worse then others eg weekends and Bank Holiday and other holidays . I chose to travel alone whereas a friend of mine goes on group holidays ( would rather stick pins in my eyes) . I met my H online and honestly life is so much better in a twosome .

Single men have married men friends.
Single women tend to fall by the wayside when boyfriend, fiance, husband, then babies come along.

It's down to time, priorities and that common belief that single women will lead wives astray or steal their fellas.

@MikeUniformMike Really? I’m sure a study recently said the opposite: that men tend to rely on their partners more for their social interactions hence it being cited as a reason that the suicide rate is so much higher amongst divorced men than divorced women. They don’t have the same support network.

They probably don't Tossa, but a single woman tends to have single friends. A jolly male friend is seen as pubbable and clubbable, a bubbly female is seen as a flirt.

The suicide statistics in general for men are higher than those for women. Women are probably better at seeking support when relationships break down.

I'm sick of seeing that comment about suicide stats for men.

It's not entirely accurate, men are not more suicidal than women they just tend to use methods which are more likely to be "successful", women choose methods which have varying "success" rates. They're struggling just as much with their mh.

Emigrate to POSSIBLY find a man?! Can't think of anything less appealing and less feminist!

I think what needs to be challenged is the idea a woman NEEDS to be coupled up.

I really don't see the appeal of being in another lacklustre relationship, going out my way for someone who rarely returns the favour.

And I have to agree the quality of men these days is seriously lacking!

Lazy, sexist, selfish, sexually incontinent arses most of them of my generation and below to be honest.

We see it on here a lot but I also see it in real life I can count the genuinely decent men who treat their partners equally on one hand.

In my mind social situations are easier for men than they are for women- from walking the streets alone, catching a cab, holidays, going to bars etc. Doubt they do a risk assessment exercise like I do. . Plus, they don’t really get judged do they, in those situations?

Do they even have a scarcity mindset? They think they’re Peter Pan, they’ll live forever and that the world is theirs. I’d love to be proved wrong.

I don’t buy the argument that men under 6ft and non conventionally good looking are struggling.

My ex husband was 5”8, very overweight and hairier than a silverback- but he sold me a dream and made me laugh. I was naive then, but learnt after my divorce that he was/is a narcissist and although he never laid a hand on me (he said once that he would love to, but it would give me ammunition). He was instead very emotionally, financially and mentally abusive. He wanted his cake and eat it, and felt entitled- even though he put little effort into our marriage.

He remarried less than a year after we split up (to a much younger woman).

If you put two people against eachother: a man and a woman, both single, with children, and neither with societies standards of beauty (as superficial as it is) the woman is less likely to find a partner. Men, can compensate with power, money and influence- you don’t have to look far for examples. That is what I meant by the notion that it all appears skewed.

The guys I have dated all claimed on their profiles that they’re looking for a relationship. We’d go on quite a few dates, they tell me they’re super keen to see me again- then they ghost. No rhyme. No reason. It’s mentally exhausting. They do it because they can get away with it. It simply won’t do. We have to raise the bar.

There are guys out there that are giving bad advice to other men- check out entrepreneurs in cars on YouTube- truly awful.

So, whilst I’m not giving up, I’m getting bored with just doing stuff on my own. I’m just looking for tangible ways to get through my weekends when my son is with his dad- otherwise I’ll drive myself crazy 😜

There are so many lovely people on here that I sometimes wish we could meet up in person- 😊

Maybe they are not more suicidal and I think they probably tend to go for more fatal methods.

I think you can do most things alone. Hugs are a bit tricky, and I won't eat out alone or go to a pub on my own, and sometimes an extra pair of hands is useful.

@Graphista
I agree. Structural change is needed, but judging by how slow things are moving I don’t have the energy to fight the system- but will offer my support wholeheartedly x

This is a really helpful thread. It's hard not to feel like you've failed being single.

Men, can compensate with power, money and influenceand successful, well off powerful women can too (with a man with the right mentality) but would you want to? They're with you because of what you can provide for them.

Agree regarding how single female friends are perceived differently.
If I do get a green light from my married/ coupled up friends to meet up it’s always because their partners are away or aren’t interested in what they want to do. One even had the cheek to say “why not? What else would you be doing?” 😂

Sorry, bold fail.

Men, can compensate with power, money and influence

... and successful, well off, powerful women can too (with a man with the right mentality), but would you want to? They're with you because of what you can provide for them.

@GilbertMarkham

You’re right. I’m just explaining my thinking around the skewed system.
Men with power, influence etc outweigh women.

I don’t want any of that. A sincere, kind, trustworthy, respectful man will be amazing.

Or are we actually just victims of misogynistic/chauvinist thinking; where a man who attracts a (younger) woman due to money, power or influence is winning, but a woman does is being used and is a fool.

A younger man in the card of a woman obviously , unless she's a lesbian.

*case of

Of course. We do raise an eyebrow at a man dating a much younger woman, but much more so if it's a woman dating a much younger man.

I should be able to walk into a restaurant/cafe or bar/pub alone but I tried when I was much younger and the unwanted comments and male attention put me off.

One even had the cheek to say “why not? What else would you be doing?”

Sounds like a highly tactful, polite person.