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Relationships

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Original poster

New pants

88 replies

Raven79 · 26/02/2020 21:26

Hello. I've been sort of seeing a guy I went to school with. We're both 40. I'd been single previously for 7 years. We have met up every few months over the years and get on well. He lives with his nan and has said he can't have a relationship as she'd hate it and throw him out. I have a daughter so am in no rush for a full blown relationship. Seeing each other infrequently is fine for me although we message frequently.

His mum died young and his grandad died so him and his gran have been company for each other. He's never met anyone that serious, so has had no reason to leave. He is a sweet guy.

We've decided we'd like to do more than meet up for drinks and it involves staying in a hotel. He's started telling me how excited he is and he's even bought new pants! A bit of me thinks to go for it but another bit of me is cringing.

I like him a lot and don't think he'd hurt me. I guess deep down I do want a proper relationship but I don't know if this is the right way to go about it.

OP posts:

Cheermeupplease22 · 27/02/2020 08:58

Forget his Nan - the new pants comment would make me cringe as well!! And put me off.

Nanny0gg · 27/02/2020 09:45

Oh please.

He doesn't sound in any way like a grown-up.

You can do better.

Smartanimal · 27/02/2020 09:53

A slight variation of Bates motel

HairyDogsOfThigh · 27/02/2020 09:59

I don't think i could feel sexually attracted to someone who told me they'd bought new pants for the occasion

BigFatLiar · 27/02/2020 10:03

I don't think i could feel sexually attracted to someone who told me they'd bought new pants for the occasion

Similarly men should run a mile from women who buy new lingerie in prep for a 'hot' date.

Fucck · 27/02/2020 10:09

Stay ... if you want to play second fiddle to his nan for the rest of her life and you can guarantee in this situation she'll live till 113 and have constant battles on why he can't do stuff "because my Nan says/wants/won't like it ... "

NameChangeNugget · 27/02/2020 10:11

Bit weird I must say

Fucck · 27/02/2020 10:12

Sexist comments about the new pants thing. As has been said, plenty of women buy sexy lingerie for new partners

Cheermeupplease22 · 27/02/2020 10:14

No not sexist - equally cringeworthy if a woman says it to a man before a first encounter IMO.

Jane1978xx · 27/02/2020 10:16

Yes you wouldn’t say it first time. Maybe later on in a relationship if you know it’s something they’d like on you

Fucck · 27/02/2020 10:16

In my experience, not a lot of men would cringe if their new lady friend said she'd bought new knickers for them, actually.
It honestly wouldn't register as weird if a guy said it to me 🤷🏽‍♀️

Icepinkeskimo · 27/02/2020 10:23

Forewarned is the motto here. Like so many others have said it just doesn't ring true.

I hate to mention this but is there a chance he could be married?

I'd be running a few checks before anything happens.

BigFatLiar · 27/02/2020 10:26

Seeing each other infrequently is fine for me although we message frequently.
We've decided we'd like to do more than meet up for drinks and it involves staying in a hotel.
I guess deep down I do want a proper relationship

Covers it. Its casual sex with a friend just now and it suits you but underneath you're looking for more.

Do you want to go ahead with your relationship and see what happens or through it in and start looking for a new relationship (OLD?). The nan situation is neither here nor there while its a FWB relationship.

GilbertMarkham · 27/02/2020 10:28

You need to find out if he's actually married or not.

If he's not he's a weirdo in an unhealthy dynamic with his gran - he should have moved out and forged his own relationship/family, while includung her as much as possible.

Thymeout · 27/02/2020 10:34

My aunt was the youngest of three sisters. 18 yr gap between her and the older two. She had an active social life but didn't click with anyone till she was over 40. By that time, her dad had died and her mum was 80.
She helped out with the housework and the big food-shop, but her mum did all the cooking and household management.

It was a huge trauma when she wanted to move in with her boyfriend, even tho' she moved only a street away and still did most of the shopping for dm, popping in frequently on her way home from work. She didn't get much support from her sisters, either, who'd been depending on her to look after their mum.

I think pps are underestimating the ties between this bloke and his nan. I don't think it's weird. And the new pants was probably a joke.

It all depends what you want from the relationship, Op, and whether you could accept that he doesn't see himself as a free agent and sometimes nan will come first.

HopeYouStepOnALego · 27/02/2020 10:37

Just because he's never 'met anyone serious' is no reason to stay living with his nan. He should have found his independence many years ago and and moved out - partner or not. I bet he's desperate to line someone else up so that he has continuity of care for when his GM is unable to do everything for him any longer.

And the "I've even bought new pants" comment - just no. If this man has never had to look after himself then I would be steering clear.

HowlsMovingBungalow · 27/02/2020 10:39

Man child. Completely off putting.

yesterdaystotalsteps123 · 27/02/2020 10:52

My stbxh is currently living with his nan and along with the billions of other things wrong in our relationship one fucked up dynamic was when we argued he ran back to Nan's house for a week to be totally mollycoddled and she was way way over 80. I wouldn't bother with this situation especially as you want a real relationship. Watch some Stephanie Lyn coaching videos and recognise you are worth more than being an option rather than a priority

HairyDogsOfThigh · 27/02/2020 10:55

I think the 'new pants' thing is the fact that he told her. It conjures up images of what his regular pants might be like. If people (male or female )want to buy new underwear for a new date, fine, but no need to broadcast it.

SouthernComforts · 27/02/2020 11:00

I don't get the new pants bit?

But either way I'd be binning this one. Weird family issues are hard work.

SouthernComforts · 27/02/2020 11:01

Sorry re- read the pants bit now!

Single2catsand1daughter · 27/02/2020 11:04

Does his gran wash his pants?

AsCoolAsLangCleg · 27/02/2020 11:13

He must know his nan won't live forever, and then he'll need someone else to do everything for him (and her, if she becomes incapacitated). Do you want to be that person?

BigFatLiar · 27/02/2020 11:27

He's got his nan, you've got a daughter, neither are actually free of ties. Do you want his friendship and occasional sex or do you want to bin him and try finding someone else, entirely up to you (well and him of course he could decide he wanted more and move on).

MashedSpud · 27/02/2020 11:39

Have you met the nan?
Been to their/his/her house?

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