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Original poster

Daughters Masters graduation

67 replies

SmokedGlass · 26/02/2020 00:21

My daughter (27) has her Masters graduation in July and whilst chatting with her tonight about it, she has told me she will be inviting my ex husband and his ‘new’ family of three years to attend
My ex husband, who I was with for 31 yrs met his partner soon after we split and she has 3 adult children
I was prepared for it to be just us and our other son and daughter attending but on hearing this news I’m a bit apprehensive

We attended her first university graduation together a year after we had split, when he was still single. Whilst I have never met his new partner I did think that she would not go out of respect and would celebrate after the event, but now this is happening I’m not sure I’d feel comfortable with another family there
Or am I being really unreasonable or petty?

I know a lot of you will say selfish and it’s my daughters day, but I haven’t seen him for three years and though I don’t want to upset my daughter I’m not sure I want to go

OP posts:

Fidgety31 · 26/02/2020 00:24

I had this situation .
I just didn’t sit with my ex.
The Awkward part was after the ceremony When my son had to go for dinner with his dad and family and I just went shopping for a few hours as I didn’t want my son to feel bad about me being alone . I then met up with him after and we went out for the night

baileys6904 · 26/02/2020 00:27

If your daughter has invited her, she must want her there. The new partner then, to turn that invite down, would risk offending your daughter, so it's a no win situation.
The new partner is probably as apprehensive of meeting you as you are her though

PaterPower · 26/02/2020 00:38

It’s not about you. It’s an hour of your life where you just have to concentrate on your daughter and play nice with your ex and his new partner. It’s not that difficult (I speak from experience)

Scott72 · 26/02/2020 00:42

Talk to her about this. But from an outsider's perspective, this doesn't seem so bad. You don't have to engage with your ex and his partner if you don't want to.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 26/02/2020 00:46

Sorry OP but it's not your day. They're her family now too.

Onthemaintrunkline · 26/02/2020 01:03

You are not being petty, selfish or unreasonable. You are entitled to feel however you wish. If this were me, (and I’m being totally honest here) I’d hate the idea of my former husbands ‘new’ family, call them what you like, to be at such an event. This is a very personal celebration for you, it cannot mean diddly squat to the new partner, but because we are civilised and polite certain conventions are adhered to, even tho we wish with everything we have it could be different! I understand your daughter wants her Dad there, really I do. I sincerely hope the other invited guests inclusion doesn’t spoil the occasion too much for you. It is after all a real milestone for your daughter. I feel for you.

Christmadtree · 26/02/2020 01:08

Just don't sit with them. I could sort of understand if he'd left you for the other woman etc but its been years and you need to move on like he has.

Graphista · 26/02/2020 01:08

Sorry but yabu and I think you know it.

You feel how you feel but it's been a what 4 years since you split with ex?

Your dds achievement (and it's a hell of an achievement!) is what matters and her being able to celebrate that with all of you.

For a few hours on one day you need to just suck it up and get on with it.

My ex's 2nd wife was ow and is a former friend. I've had times when I've needed to attend events with her and their dc, inc their eldest who was conceived while we were still together.

The dc aren't at fault in any way, you plaster a smile on and crack on.

CondorDays · 26/02/2020 01:14

So the adult DC are your daughter's step siblings of 3 years and not her half siblings . Is that correct ?

HerRoyalNotness · 26/02/2020 01:17

Seems a bit weird that get adults D.C. would want to go to it? Maybe it’ll just be ex and his NP? I know it just be hard, I’d hate it and be a nervous wreck and smile like a loon throughout the whole thing.

SorryDidISayThatOutLoud · 26/02/2020 01:35

I would have thought it was unusual for them all to attend - usually Unis allow about three visitors per graduate so maybe they won't all go.

Whichoneofyoudidthat · 26/02/2020 03:32

It’s a bit strange. And kind of tone deaf of your daughter to be honest. But you’ll just have to go and suck up the discomfort.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 26/02/2020 04:32

I've been in a similar situation - not a graduation but a show my son was in. I was apprehensive but it turned out ok. We all found ourselves on the terrace after the show where there was a drinks reception and we all chatted quite amicably. It might not be as bad as you think.

Poorolddaddypig · 26/02/2020 05:44

I’ve been the daughter in this situation. It’s so awful. I’ve never been able to celebrate a big life event like my other friends can because I have to constantly stress and panic about the fact that my parents won’t want to be in the same room together with their new partners. I didn’t go to my graduation. My wedding was very small and awkwardly planned to avoid them seeing each other, them feeling awkward. I feel like for the rest of my life I have to plan all big events in my life around them feeling comfortable and I feel like I can’t arrange any normal family celebrations - all just stuff that’s timed weirdly. It’s really upsetting and to be honest I feel gutted about it. Please don’t do this to your daughter. Saying you don’t want to go to celebrate this huge achievement with her if your ex and his family are there is really selfish - it will set the tone for all of your daughters big events that she just wants to celebrate with her family - and yes, that includes your ex’s new family too. You and your partner separated and that is not your daughters fault, but she will be the one who loses out as she is stuck in the middle, and it’s awful being stuck in the middle.

ScissorsBike · 26/02/2020 05:48

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Robin233 · 26/02/2020 06:06

For me if it was ow then no but it seems that's not the case so just sit apart and ignore.

Well done ti your daughter- awesome.

cansmellfreedom · 26/02/2020 06:12

@ScissorsBike there’s no need to be that horrible . Look at yourself first before abusing others

Tippertant · 26/02/2020 06:14

Will the new wife's adult children even want to attend? I'd have found it a bit bloody weird in my late twenties to go to the graduation of the daughter of my mum's boyfriend of three years. I mean, how much time can they really have spent together? And graduations are seriously boring unless you really love the person involved.

CupoTeap · 26/02/2020 06:18

It's hard but this is one of those times you need to pull your your big girl pants and get on with it.

mnthrowaway202020 · 26/02/2020 06:18

She invited them so she obviously wants them there. I agree that it’s weird that the adult children are attending too, is she close to them?

I can understand why you’re upset but I don’t think you should tell your daughter to disinvite them. It’s her graduation ceremony so her choice.

ScissorsBike · 26/02/2020 06:23

@cansmellfreedom I wish someone had had a similar word with my mum when I was growing up, rather than pandering to ridiculousness.

Pixxie7 · 26/02/2020 06:25

I can understand how you feel, but try for your daughters sake to be the bigger person. It’s her day.

Toomboom · 26/02/2020 06:27

When my son graduated he was only allowed to invite 3 people to the graduation due to space, so I would be surprised if your daughter is allowed any more.

SaskiaRembrandt · 26/02/2020 06:28

I'm another one who has been in your daughter's situation. Please don't put her through this. She's not at fault here, and she's your child, you should be able to put your feelings to one side at events that are about her, not you. I'm not suggesting it will be easy, but that's part of being a parent.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 26/02/2020 06:44

@scissorbike her daughter is 27 - I don't think she needs someone else fighting her battles

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