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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Daughters Masters graduation

67 replies

SmokedGlass · 26/02/2020 00:21

My daughter (27) has her Masters graduation in July and whilst chatting with her tonight about it, she has told me she will be inviting my ex husband and his ‘new’ family of three years to attend
My ex husband, who I was with for 31 yrs met his partner soon after we split and she has 3 adult children
I was prepared for it to be just us and our other son and daughter attending but on hearing this news I’m a bit apprehensive

We attended her first university graduation together a year after we had split, when he was still single. Whilst I have never met his new partner I did think that she would not go out of respect and would celebrate after the event, but now this is happening I’m not sure I’d feel comfortable with another family there
Or am I being really unreasonable or petty?

I know a lot of you will say selfish and it’s my daughters day, but I haven’t seen him for three years and though I don’t want to upset my daughter I’m not sure I want to go

OP posts:
TheStuffedPenguin · 26/02/2020 06:47

Another one surprised that so many people would be allowed to attend for one person and also surprised why the adult children even want to go ! Many people don't even go to a Masters graduation anyway as the graduate is often out in the world of work by then . However I totally get why ex and partner would be OK but you are probably feeling a bit ganged up on . When the chips are down it is usually the mother who has done most of the supporting of children post divorce while most men seem to follow their new found happiness .Somewhere inside you are feeling that you should be more important than this and you probably are . It's just not always possible to see it .

BadCatDirtyCat · 26/02/2020 06:48

You're entitled to feel however you feel, but ultimately the day is not about you and you should try to make it work for your daughter's sake.

PlumsGalore · 26/02/2020 06:56

That’s a really shitty thing to say @scissorbike - the OP is understandably nervous and probably a little hurt but it doesn’t make her a narcissist.

I would imagine it’s fairly intimidating to see the ex after so long and especially when he may come mob handed.

Hopefully the adult DC won’t come OP, I am sure there must be restrictions on the numbers, and it will be much easier to avoid the ex or be civil if there are only the parents there.

cansmellfreedom · 26/02/2020 07:02

@ScissorsBike well speak to your mum or get some therapy etc . OP is here for help that’s why she’s posted.

housinghelp101 · 26/02/2020 07:20

YANBU to be nervous/apprehensive but if you think you are going to be out of place then bow out gracefully. This is your daughter's day, she obviously wants them there and it would be horrible for her to have you there feeling she needs to rescue you in the situation. I mean that in the nicest possible way too Flowers

ScissorsBike · 26/02/2020 07:45

OP is of course entitled to feel hurt. What makes her a narcissist is the hint that she will threaten not to go if the others do. She needs to grow up and not indulge her self-pity.

Original poster
SmokedGlass · 26/02/2020 10:16

Thanks everyone for your insight to this, I’m not threatening to go, far from it, I know how hard my daughter has worked for her Masters and I would never, ever in any way bring a cloud to her day
My smile is my best asset - it’s hidden a lot of feelings
I’ve had to suck up loads along this journey and it’s been hard but this situation for me is a new one

I am not selfish, narcissistic, or full of self pity @ScissorsBike
I put my daughters feeling first, I’m on here asking what would others suggest and if I’m to suck it up gracefully then I will
I’m not up my own arse and the day is not about me

I just find it odd that another family who she has known for barely 3 years would want to be there - a bit insensitive of my ex to bring them all perhaps?
Many women will relate to how I’m feeling I’m sure

Her brother and sister get on fine with this extended family but they are older and not so involved
It should be just my family celebrating the day, then perhaps they can all go after for dinner later to celebrate with her separately?
Not for me to suggest though

Now......what to wear..... with my big smile and my big pants

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 26/02/2020 11:53

OP would you be less bothered by it if it was just ExH and OW? Is it the additional family members that have made you feel put out?

Original poster
SmokedGlass · 26/02/2020 12:22

@GiveHerHellFromUs l think it would, that feels a normal move forward, but they’re not even family, he’s only lived with her for a year
I accept she may come, but what’s with all this ‘family thing’
My daughter does get on well with her children, 19, 21 and 23 but I don’t feel I have to get to know them

OP posts:
muddledmidget · 26/02/2020 12:31

Maybe your daughter is testing the water. At 27 she's potentially got a lot of life events in the next decade (engagement, marriage, children etc) and maybe she just wants to make sure that all those around her can put her first on her special days and not cloud them with their own disagreements. I know I told my parents point blank that there would be no chossing between them, and if they couldn't get along at these occasions then neither of them would be invited. Luckily for me they behaved for my wedding etc, but have now fallen out majorly, so my sisters are both planning to get married with neither of them present, and I don't blame them

Butterymuffin · 26/02/2020 12:33

You won't get enough tickets for them all to go. Maximum in my knowledge would be 4, which would surely be for you, her dad, and the other two siblings. So don't worry about it - the others can show up later to celebrate and you can always do your own thing.

DishRanAwayWithTheSpoon · 26/02/2020 13:01

It's not about you though OP. It's about your DD.

There's going to be other events where you will have to meet them.

I don't think it's insensitive. Your DD wants them there, she is the one who has asked them and you really just need to suck it up.

Gutterton · 26/02/2020 13:27

It is a surprise, shock and unsettling as you didn’t see it coming.

It’s fine to have (private) feelings of disappointment and bitterness and it’s fine to air them and get a sense check on an anonymous online forum. I hope that this has given you some release and perspective - so that you can behave graciously and dignified.

This is all about your DD and her academic achievements - but her invite shows her positivity and her emotional and social intelligence. You should be much more proud of her for that.

This “new” family are likely to be lovely if all of your grown up children, whom I assume you have brought up to have sound values and a good read of character are very happy to be part of their lives. They must have been young when their father left (or died?).

Use this as a practice session for future events with this DD and your other DCs - engagement, marriage, births, DGC birthdays.

Don’t inflict on your DCs the pain that other PP have endured from their separated parents.

Techway · 26/02/2020 13:34

I can relate to how you feel, perhaps also outnumbered? At their ages the "children" may feel a common bond as experiencing the same emotions of parents separating so perhaps that is why they have bonded.

I hope if they go they are friendly and kind to you.

Smile and be gorgeous.

KidsWorkMastersLife · 26/02/2020 13:38

I’m another one who has been the daughter - my undergrad graduation was a fucking circus with me trying to placate everyone. I did not enjoy it at all.

17 years later I am about to graduate with a masters - I’ll be taking DH and DC and no one else much to my DM’s annoyance.

Choufleur · 26/02/2020 13:40

I'm surprised that she can get that many tickets for the ceremony. Is she sure that you will also be able to go?

KidsWorkMastersLife · 26/02/2020 13:53

They always say max of two each at the start but me and my mates all were able to extras easily nearer the time

TimeIhadaNameChange · 26/02/2020 15:15

I think it might make things easier as there will be two groups she can flit between, even all sat at one table, and both groups are big enough to entertain themselves when she's speaking to the other.

LemonTT · 26/02/2020 15:29

The thing is, what you define as family isn’t the same as your daughter. She has a different family from you.

You daughter has asked her family to celebrate the graduation. You might not know them but she does. You can use the opportunity to be polite or be friendly. It’s hardly onerous as most graduations involve clapping and listening to speeches.

People can relate to how you feel about it. But I’m not sure why you think your ex and his family are responsible for accepting an invite from his daughter and their step sister. This is your daughters decision. These are people she wants to celebrate with.

As others have said the invites will be limited so not all of them will be at the graduation. You can attend that and then do something with your daughter separately if you want on another date.

Gutterton · 26/02/2020 15:35

Don’t think that there will be two groups - sounds like the older DCs of the OP have a perfectly civil, functioning and well established RS with the kids of the new family over the last 3 years with whom their DF lives. The only “two groups” that could exist would be the OP alone and the other 8. But I doubt the OP would humiliate herself and inflict that on her DCs.

With those shiny steel big girl pants hitched high - I suggest a

Iwannatellyouastory · 26/02/2020 15:44

Echoing other PP’s maximum number of tickets in my experience (knowledge of quite a number of universities due to work) is 3/4 per student more tickets can sometimes be obtained nearer the time if other students don’t take up their allowance but it is not always possible.

ThisIsBlossoms · 26/02/2020 15:46

I would very quickly establish how many tickets she is allowed before you stress too much.

LukeSkywalkingOnTheseHaters · 26/02/2020 15:47

It should be just my family celebrating the day, then perhaps they can all go after for dinner later to celebrate with her separately?

Erm no, it is your ADULT DDs decision who she wants to invite to her graduation. From what you say I can only assume the invite was not just made to her father, but also the other members of the family? Your daughter hasn't suggested that she has invited her Father and then all these extra people are tagging along.

Be civil, engage with them as much or as little as you want. Or just don't go.

Cyborgfeminist · 26/02/2020 15:59

I am also the daughter in this scenario. I’m lucky that my parents get on really well, but I have lots of friends who’ve been through these issues with graduations, weddings, etc. I personally think that only inviting your DM and DF to events (or having a top table at a wedding with the parents when the new partners have to sit elsewhere) when one/both of them have new partners is a bit weird, as if you’re all trying to pretend that you’re still a family, that the divorce didn’t happen. I’m sure it will be hard for you, but I think you need to go and get through the day with a smile on your face.

My personal feelings about my step-parents are not hugely relevant: I respect each of my parents enough to also have respect for their relationship. Just as I would expect them to respect my relationship with my partner, even if they perhaps personally didn’t like them very much.

Knewyou · 26/02/2020 16:03

I thought you meant they had been invited instead of you as it’s unusual for so many to be able to attend.

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