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Original poster

Would you let previously abusive MIL be alone with child?

52 replies

Crazydiamond106 · 25/02/2020 19:24

So my MIL was physically and emotionally abusive to my husband and his brother when they were children. My husband has forgiven her..the brother hasn’t and the brother does not allow her to see her grandchildren at all.

We recently had a baby...now 3 wks. MIL is down visiting for the first time and has made comments and hints about baby sitting in the future. I told my husband that I would never feel comfortable about this and that she can see baby not I wouldn’t be comfortable about her being alone with our child given her past history.

My husband thinks This is unfair and we’ve had a fight about it...i think he knows I’m in the right but is just upset about the reality of the situation. I’m 90% sure she wouldn’t do anything to our child but as I said to him..anything less than 100% is not enough. I honestly think she’s a horrible, horrible woman and commend my husband for is loyalty to her when she definitely doesn’t deserve him but I just think she’s a nasty piece of work and I’d never relax in that situation. I can tell this is going to cause major issues with her in the future but don’t see why I should have to even explain my reasoning!

Our daughter has had colic and she said to me ‘if you ever get the point where you feel like giving her a thump just put her down and take 10 min to yourself’!! I was like no can’t say I would ever feel that way, it’s not her fault I feel sorry for her!!

Just fuming and very hormonal still so just a rant really and to check I’m not overreacting...I know this will cause huge row but my priority is my daughter not her

OP posts:
Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 25/02/2020 19:30

Nope.

WickedlyPetite · 25/02/2020 19:31

By physical abuse - I take it you don't "just" mean the occasional smack - which was probably seen as 'acceptable' in your MIL's time of raising children.

But no - Hell would freeze over before I'd leave a child with someone who has a history of physical abuse of a child.

OhTheTastyNuts · 25/02/2020 19:32

No! I wouldn't leave my child with a person who had a history of abuse.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 25/02/2020 19:32

Although she is right about walking away for 10min if you feel you are losing it. We are only human and chronic sleep deprivation can be a killer.

MzHz · 25/02/2020 19:33

She can see them, but never alone.

Iloveacurry · 25/02/2020 19:35

Say to him, does he want his mother to treat your child how he was treated? Then it’s a no.

MzHz · 25/02/2020 19:35

And I speak as someone who realised my own mother was being cruel to my ds.

I have no contact with her at all, for this and other behaviour towards me. ds hasn’t seen her in years and won’t be either.

WeirdAndScary · 25/02/2020 19:35

I would allow visits but she would never be alone with my child. And if she started talking about children needing physical discipline or some such bollocks then there would be no more contact.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/02/2020 19:40

If a relative is too toxic/batshit/abusive for you to deal with, it’s the same deal for your child too. This woman should not be around your child at all.

I would also think that your husband is mired in fear, obligation and guilt re his mother and this is why his boundaries are messed up. You ultimately need to follow his brother’s lead here.

poppymatilda · 25/02/2020 19:42

Supervised visits only for me. Couldn't leave my child with someone I couldn't trust not to abuse her

marthastew · 25/02/2020 19:45

Nope

Wonderland18 · 25/02/2020 19:49

Could have wrote this myself. Exact same scenario.
MIL has never watched DD alone still at a year and this causes friction but I’ve stuck to my guns.

Your DH doesn’t want to look bad in her eyes by saying no so you will need to take the overboard worried mum stance and accept MIL won’t be your biggest fan.

PanamaPattie · 25/02/2020 19:50

Nope x 10000000000.

Mostlyhappy4 · 25/02/2020 19:56

I absolutely would not ever allow her unsupervised contact. No way. It may cause arguments and potential problems between you and your partner but there is no way you should leave her alone with your child in my opinion. Do not let her worm her way in.

notasportymum · 25/02/2020 19:57

nope

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/02/2020 19:57

Not a chance.

Disfordarkchocolate · 25/02/2020 19:59

No from me.

However, many a parent has been so worn down by their baby they have needed to put the baby in their cot and cry in the lol for 10 minutes. It's the right thing to do.

sage46 · 25/02/2020 19:59

No you are not being unreasonable, in fact you are going by a very strong maternal instinct not to expose your baby to potential danger. Trust your instinct on this. You would never be able to relax if you left her with your baby. This women has forfeited the right to unsupervised time with the baby. I think your husband has maybe not so much 'forgiven' his Mother but is still afraid of her.

DustOffYourHighestHopes · 25/02/2020 19:59

Not in a million years. Listen to your heart and stick to your guns. We are going through similar. These people know well how to groom.

skintbutok · 25/02/2020 20:00

No chance.

Spied · 25/02/2020 20:00

You're being more than reasonable by allowing her time with your DD and allowing her into your lives.
Don't put your DD at risk just to keep your DH happy and to avoid confrontation.
DD needs you and depends on you to keep her safe indefinitely.

TorkTorkBam · 25/02/2020 20:05

Suggest your DH to talk to his brother about balance of risk.

I have never ever let my DM look after my children alone. Do not let yourself be talked into just this once if you want it to be never. Thin end of wedge and all that.

She is right about the baby though. Mine are teens. Me and my friends laugh now about the times we wanted to throw the baby out the window when they were tiny. It's normal to have moments like that. When it happens do go away for 10 mins even if that means leaving the purple faced screaming bundle in the cot alone screaming, which the baby books will lie and tell you scars the baby for life and marks you as a bad mum (which is why you would be inclined to stay not step out beyond normal human tolerance).

fairlyplump · 25/02/2020 20:08

NO NO NO

crankysaurus · 25/02/2020 20:12

No.

Surfer25 · 25/02/2020 20:15

People are different towards grandchildren

My mum was brutal. She slapped the living daylights out of my siblings and I and we were terrified of her. Also the intimidating behaviour, she would run over to us and point in our faces whilst snarling and screaming at us.

It was horrible

She now calls me a liar and maintains she never laid a finger on any of us.

She would never harm her grandchildren. She let's them do what the fuck they like and misbehave.