Would you let previously abusive MIL be alone with child?

[Crazydiamond106]

So my MIL was physically and emotionally abusive to my husband and his brother when they were children. My husband has forgiven her..the brother hasn’t and the brother does not allow her to see her grandchildren at all.

We recently had a baby...now 3 wks. MIL is down visiting for the first time and has made comments and hints about baby sitting in the future. I told my husband that I would never feel comfortable about this and that she can see baby not I wouldn’t be comfortable about her being alone with our child given her past history.

My husband thinks This is unfair and we’ve had a fight about it...i think he knows I’m in the right but is just upset about the reality of the situation. I’m 90% sure she wouldn’t do anything to our child but as I said to him..anything less than 100% is not enough. I honestly think she’s a horrible, horrible woman and commend my husband for is loyalty to her when she definitely doesn’t deserve him but I just think she’s a nasty piece of work and I’d never relax in that situation. I can tell this is going to cause major issues with her in the future but don’t see why I should have to even explain my reasoning!

Our daughter has had colic and she said to me ‘if you ever get the point where you feel like giving her a thump just put her down and take 10 min to yourself’!! I was like no can’t say I would ever feel that way, it’s not her fault I feel sorry for her!!

Just fuming and very hormonal still so just a rant really and to check I’m not overreacting...I know this will cause huge row but my priority is my daughter not her

No. Sounds like your husband is minimising what happened to him.

Stand your ground follow your instinct. She has a proven abusive past. Do not leave her alone with your child.

Had the same situation with (separated) MIL and FIL. Both pressured alot for time alone and sleepovers with my children.

I just laughed at the idea after hearing what they had done to their children. All were treated terribly and have severe issues into adulthood.

Trust your instincts and don't doubt them. I found that it was better not to make excuses up or soften the reasons.
Every time they asked I just said..no/never going to happen. Did not make me popular, but did make me 100 percent sure my children did not suffer in any way at their hands.

Good luck with it all.

Is she horrible because you’ve witnessed such behaviour from her yourself or because your husband and his brother claim her to be?

Just like Surfer25 said, grandparents are different towards their grandchildren then they were towards their kids. They don’t have to raise them on a daily relentless basis so they don’t get irritated by their behaviour. They see their grandkids in little doses and spoil them. Their job is to spoil.

Your instinct is totally right on this one. You and DH both need to put your baby above MIL’s wants.

Is there a risk in the future that DH will just leave the baby with MIL anyway without you knowing?

OP i could have written your post myself.
When my DD was born MIL went on about babysitting. DH and I just smiled and nodded along knowing deep down it would never be happening. She was abusive to her own children, has health issues and is a fan of an exotic cigarette. There was not even any need for us to discuss it.

If it was someone with a history of abusing children who wasn't your child's grandparent, would you even be asking the question?

Being a blood relative doesn't mean you throw caution to the wind when it comes to the safety of your children. It is your job to protect your children. It's your husband's job too but he obviously has some misplaced loyalty going on.

My step mother was an awful, evil woman. She's a big part of the reason why I stopped contact with my dad - he never protected me from her abuse and it's something I'll never be able to forgive. Neither of them will ever have any access to my child.

No chance

Absolutely not. You would never forgive yourself if something happened to your precious daughter whilst in her care. You are doing the right thing refusing to leave her alone with your child.

No no no

You're being very good to allow any contact. No, never leave her alone with the baby. People don't change .

Nope I wouldn’t dare leave her alone with mil.

I guess your dh is upset because he knows he will get an ear full and maybe still feels like that little boy all them years ago, might be why he’s desperate to keep the peace.

If you did let her sit, then you’d never settle knowing of the past abuse and if anything did happen you’d never forgive yourself

Hell no

No, no and again no.

No no and no.

Abusers don’t stop abusing because they get older. Even if they are supervised, they just find ways of perpetrating different types of abuse. Because it’s about the need to control others.

Personally I would not let her have any relationship with my children. It’s not about your husband, how he feels towards her, whether or not he has forgiven her. That’s his choice.

But it’s not all about him anymore, he has a child and he needs to put the child first.

If stopping the child seeing his mother naked him feel fearful, guilty or uncomfortable, he needs to see a therapist to help him deal with his feelings. It’s wrong to put his child at risk to avoid him having difficult feelings.

It’s about the welfare of your child.

No but even if it had been a yes, her thump comment would put paid to that.

Your DH is as someone pointed out, mired in FOG to the nasty bitch.

Never.

Thanks for the replies...to clarify this wasn’t your standard 80s parenting smacking your kids, she’d thrown him down the stairs, kicked him and smashed their heads together violently at age 2 and 4. I don’t think she punched them but this is plenty in my eyes and I think not a patch on the psychological abuse she inflicted.

My husband defends her saying her husband had just left her and dad had just died which is the same crap she’s told him to justify her behaviour..it’s his / their business whether he’s forgiven her but when it’s our child there are no compromises on this kind of thing.

As I said I’m 90% sure she probably has mellowed over the years and no longer has a drinking problem..but I just don’t want anyone with the kind of character to ever do this being responsible for my baby. We’ve had major row and he thinks I’m being unreasonable and unfair but I really don’t.

Point taken in then ‘take 10 mins’ being good advice..it is good advice but it’s the way she said it. If you ever feel like thumping her..then went on to rant about how horrible it was having a 2 year old but all said like the baby had a fucking agenda or something. Her whole personality is like this though, blaming others and being the victim..I don’t often dislike people but she’s just toxic

I think that your DH needs the therapy to see the light so to speak.
What you describing is very disturbing(abuse your DH and his DB has suffered).
Every normal caring mother wants to protect her kids, loves and nurtures them and wants the best for them.
Age/circumstances are not an excuse.
What if she crushed your DC skull?Seems like she was capable of doing that.

No, just no.

No!

You don’t have to let ANYONE look after your child just because they EXPECT to. But this is a no brainer.

My MIL literally washed DPs mouth out with soap. I think I’m supposed to find this funny/think ‘Oh things were different then’

OMG just read your update.

Just no.

Agree your DH needs therapy.

Stay strong for your baby.

That stuff about baby has an agenda, is really disturbing, seriously. As is smashing her kids' heads together at ANY age. Let alone so young, I'm gobsmacked. That is verging on gbh, at least. Steer clear. Permanently.

Smashed heads together? Thrown down stairs? Bloody hell.

Your DH is unfortunately conditioned.

No. Stand your ground.,

Without question, it is a NO. She must never be left alone with them - ever! It might be upsetting for your husband and cause fall outs, but can you imagine how you would feel if ever she did do anything to your child? Can you imagine the fall out from that - you would never recover from that

It's even more of a firm NO after your update! I would be prepared to have a fight on your hands over this. Your husband has some ill-positioned guilt and feelings of defensiveness towards his mother, by the sounds of it. But I seriously hope you don't end up being coerced into allowing her to look after your baby. In a moment of rage, she could do anything. I think it's compassionate of you to allow her in your home, to be honest, she sounds horrendous.