My husband cheated on me with my friend at Christmas

[mum2be2013]

My husband cheated on me with someone who I thought was a close friend at a New Year’s Eve party at our home. I only found out as her husband caught them in the act in the kitchen.
I asked him to move out to give me time to think when it happened but he refused. He says it was a drunken mistake.
We’ve been together 20 years have 2 small children (3 and 6) I’m a sahm and so I’m completely dependent on him financially at the moment and I have no where I could go to to get away (with the children of course). So I feel trapped with him.
I can manage to be polite to him and pretend everything is fine in front of the children but I can’t imagine ever being intimate with him again as I feel so betrayed. When the children are both out (my little one has nursery three mornings) I find myself just crying - as i never thought my husband would cheat on me and now I can’t imagine getting over this and being a family again

I have just read your previous post. Does your sister know that he has punched you previously? If she doesn't, then tell her and maybe she will support you rather than suggesting you give him another chance. He may not have physically abused you at Christmas but he most certainly has abused you again.
I can understand that you are scared and fearful of the future, but think of your children. I don't know if you have boys or girls, but either way it does not matter. Do you want them growing up to believe that being abused or being abusive is acceptable behaviour? For all your sakes be brave, he is not going to change and the more you tolerate the worse he will get.

he also said technically he didn’t sleep with her because her husband came in and interrupted them

You what now?

So he is admitting that he would have shagged her if her husband had not interrupted?
& is refusing to move out?

Sounds like this man just does exactly as he chooses & sod anyone else's feelings.

OP - take back your power!
Don't inform him - but start with a solicitor's appointment so you know how you stand should you want to split.
Make sure you are fully aware of any assets, equity in the house etc.

Forget about the size of your house. Kids thrive with a happy parent, they don't care about the trappings. So if you feel you will be happier without the man who is trampling over your feelings, refusing to acknowledge your hurt, & who will clearly do something similar again as soon as he is drunk enough to make another "mistake" - do it, & give you & the kids a happier life.

You will never ever be able to move forward from this.

Often when someone cheats it might be at the Christmas party or on a business trip abroad, or on a lads night out. If the partner finds out and tries to move and they are often still triggered massively at the next Christmas party or lads night out or when they're away on business.

In your case he tried to cheat in a place where he would easily be caught. You would never trust him even if he was in the company of your friends, if your children was there. If you were there. You will always feel paranoid and anxious about this. It will absolutely play havoc with your mental health long term. I can't see a way to move forward from it.

I can understand you're scared of leaving him, he's all you've known for your whole adult life. You're right, it does make it worse. You don't know life without him. I left my ex after 12 years and had been with him since I was a teenager. I knew I didn't want to be in the relationship, but it is so so strange and difficult when they're all you've known for your adult life, but there are lots of people in the same situation and who have left, it does get easier and then eventually people are glad to have ended it.

You say you're worried about destroying the kids lives and mention activities and stuff, tbh their life will have already changed, if you stay now and keep up their activities etc. they are still technically in a broken home, relationships don't recover from this. It is far far better to start to carve out a new life for yourself. At 3 and 6 it is easier to cut activities if you need to for now, rather than if they were older kids. Your kids will adapt.

I haven't seen the post where he hit you, but obviously that is another serious issue, and you can't live in that environment.

I'm so sorry you're going through this but you will be able to make a new life for yourself.

You need to talk to your sister and your family and tell them everything he’s done , don’t sugar coat his abuse . I think you have more support out there than you realise

He's an abusive arsehole too. Did you ring WomensAid when you posted back in September?

It is hugely damaging for your children growing up in a toxic environment.

There are far word things in life than being a single mum in your 40's and living in a smaller house OP.
One of them would be living with someone violent who tried to shag your mate in the kitchen tbh....
Why not make a Solicitor's appointment? Often the thought and fears about what might happen are far worse than the actual legal position. I was scared to set my divorce in motion-but I actually felt better once I had and had a clearer idea of what would happen so I could plan.

If he's abusive call womens aid and ask for advice. You might be able to go into a refuge. Message me if you like,

Get an occupation order in place otherwise.

Your husband is a physical and emotional abuser. In September he punched you in the stomach. You doubled over and were sore for days. He then gaslighted you and said it never happened.

He aggressively shouts at you and the children. You walk on eggshells. When you previously had enough of his anger and brought up separation, he said he wouldn’t allow you to take the children, so you backed off. Many experienced posters urged you to leave and sent supportive links.

Now he has brazenly cheated in your own kitchen while you and the children slept upstairs. This is just one more expression of his abuse and degradation. Alcohol did not cause his infidelity. His huge sense of entitlement did, and it likely wasn’t the first or last time. He feels confident that there will never be any real consequences for his contemptuous behavior.

OP, you and your children are being abused. The children are being damaged in this toxic environment. Please follow the advice from your other thread and take steps to leave.

I'm sorry but that's so disgusting and disrespectful I would never be able to get over that. LTB, it's a no brainer.

I don’t want to a single mother in my 40s. Plus if we split up it will mean a smaller house in a not so nice area and far less money and so less activities for the children and it doesn’t seem fair to destroy their little lives so much

This man PUNCHED you in the stomach.

He then lied about it and has essentially said you're mental and it didn't happen.

Now he has fucked someone in your house while you were in the house. He respects you that little.

And you're staying because you don't want to be single? I'm sorry but your poor kids.

You will damage your children far more if they grow up in a violent, tense and toxic household as opposed to a smaller house where they do less activities.

Can you really not see that?

@mumtobe2013

I went through a similar situation a couple of years ago. My OH had an affair with my best friend of 20 years. We had a 1 year old son at the time. They would be together all the time. She would come over and outstay her welcome and it would be so late I would go to bed and OH would ask if she wanted to stay and watch a film!! I put up with it for so long and one day I just woke up and had enough. Told him it was over, told her I never wanted to see or speak to her again. They are still together now and she now sees my son every other weekend when he goes to his dad's. It's so hard, but I've moved on and I'm happy now but I had months off work with depression and counselling. Always here if you need a chat xx

It is absolutely OK to leave any realtionship in which you are not loved or respected and that does not make you feel safe or valued. Hell, you can leave any realtionship that just doesn't make you happy and frankly, you sound miserable (justifiably so).

First of all, I do not consider being drunk as an excuse for something so devestating. This isnt a case of "sorry love, I pissed on the flowerbeds". I also object to "if you love your husband" because you're not the one who has tried to shag a neighbour in the kitchen at a family party. You also have not tried to defend that abhorrent action by saying you were drunk and "it doesn't count" because you were stopped before the actual penis met the actual vagina, You are also not the person who has refused to move out to give their partner space and time to think about what they want/need. By the sounds of it, you are not the person who has refused meaningful discussion about what happened and how to repair the damage.

You sound as though you already know the trust is gone and that you don't respect him or feel respected by him.

You don't have to LTB straight away and life doesn't unfold in a way that is easy to digest for online commentators. What you can do, however, is empower yourself:

1. Get a part time job.

2. If you were a career woman before becoming a SAHM, see if there are opportunities for re-entry or re-training so you're ready to launch on the market.

3. Connect with friends or family IRL with whom you can be honest and who will support you.

4. Go over your own finances (do you have a fuck off fund? Can you start one? Can your sister lend you one if necessary?)

5. Go over joint finances (get copies of all financial docs you can find, bank accounts, pensions, credit cards, house deeds/mortgage agreement).

6. Gather the kids' birth certificates and passports.

7. Book a free half hour with a solicitor (educating yourself does not obligate you to leave him tomorrow). Also, write down the questions that are important to you, whether that be finances, the kid's school or holidays, the family home or whatever. You need to focus on your needs and fears.

8. Use the online calculators to see what you'd be entitled to in terms of child support or housing benefit.

Once you have reclaimed a bit of your independence and you have a better understanding of your financial situation and security, I am sure you will feel far more able to make a decision about what would make you (and by extension, your kids) happier.

I understand your reasons for staying ,however in the long run this has surely broken any trust between you? Its bad enough to have an affair but to do something like this in your own home ,with your wives friend is just appalling really .Maybe look at Counselling but it will be difficult to come back from .

A smaller house and less activities is going to be so much better for your children than living a life where their mother is abused and disrespected.

Even if you are the type to forgive him for cheating when drunk, his complete lack of care for your upset or desire for him to move out for a while is another nail in the coffin anyway.

Absolute scum of the earth . He sounds like he has no respect for u from the responses you’ve said he’s given. Probably not the first time it’s happened either, so sorry your going through this, it must be an absolute nightmare

Your children won't remember that the house was small or that they didn't go to quite so many activities. What they will remember is Daddy treating Mummy like shit and Mummy putting up with it. That will destroy their lives for ever.

They will grow up thinking that's the norm and all relationships are like that. There are countless posters on here whose mental health is totally messed up by being brought up in abusive households. Don't let that happen to your children.

Thank you for all your replies.

I want to leave him But I’m worried and scared and need some help to build the resolve to go- as my husband will not make it easy. And his behaviour over the last few years has really knocked my confidence. That is why I posted again, as it helps to hear that the way he is treating me is not ok.

And tbh I fantasise about living in a little house, just me and the kids, that’s all I want. so I’m sorry if my post about a only being able to afford a small house and not being able to fund all their activities offended - i didn’t mean it the way it sounded.
I don’t even know if I could earn enough to support the three of us (just the basics of rent, bills and food) as I’ve never lived on my own before. But I guess plenty of single parents do support their families- so I will find a way.
Thanks again for your support and all the very inspiring posts on here.

Op, you can do it. Great advice on here. Don't waste any more time on him. It really won't be worth it.

Good for you, you’ll get there. Keep posting on this thread, we will all help and cheer you on when you need us to.

If you will be a lower earner you will probably get universal credits, which will also cover you up to 85% of childcare costs when working. Have a look at entitledto.co.uk
Get an IDVA and get advice and help where ever you can. You can get out of this, there are systems in place to help you and your kids

Punching a woman in the stomach is a particularly vile act. He's beneath contempt OP.

In your position I would be doing plenty of research and making plans. This can only go one way for you now if you stay, he's trashed too many boundaries.

Please don't assume you will have to support yourself independently. Talk to a solicitor.

Punched you in the stomach...? No no no no no.

Does your sister know that?

He's a bloody alleycat, tell him to take his disgusting little penis elsewhere

Have you had a look at the Martin Lewis site? Fantastic help with budgets and there’s a place you can check benefits you’d be entitled to
You really need to start putting money into your own account like child benefit if you don’t already you will feel better if you know it’s there
Please don’t keep hanging on for a better time to act, it’s never going to happen. You need to be proactive now, see a so.icitor, get financial advice and start gathering the documents you need ie birth certificates, passports ,marriage certificate- pension info etc
You say you’ve been together 20 years is the house in both your names & has the mortgage nearly paid off?
I’m concerned that he will be violent to you again x
Please talk to someone you can trust not to go to him!