I could have written your post, almost word for word. That was 16 years ago. My not so dear H, had been trying it on with anything in a skirt. I awoke one night to shouting downstairs and the situation was very similar, only he was trying to get frisky with someone who wasn't interested.
It took me 4 years to leave him. Like you, I'd been with him from age 17, for 20 years. As we were about to separate, he and my very best friend colluded behind my back and ended up sexting and fucking....so I lost my marriage and my best friend at the same time.
Sadly, he never changed, and even in those 4 years when I was trying to forgive, he was still at it. He also blamed alcohol, but did nothing to limit his drinking and the cycle continued. He tried to shag all of my friends!
He would also go missing on group nights out, and then reappear with a random woman. He would come home from nights out with the lads, with a black eye, which I presume now was other men warning him off their women. He would drink drive.
I think he was just a very entitled man. His family (catholic) all sided with him in the divorce, as in their words he was "just having fun", whereas I was breaking up a family. I had 3 sil's, a mil and fil, who never spoke to me again, after 20 fucking years!
When I told him I was leaving, he assaulted me twice - I see your H has been violent, so I expect he may ramp the violence up if you leave, so exit very carefully.
My H went on to cheat on every subsequent partner. He's now 52 and is living with someone who seems very nice, but I've heard he's cheating on her. Some men just don't seem to be able to help themselves, or maybe they never really love their Partners, who knows? But it's quite grim.
Fwiw, I went on to meet my now DH, who is awesome, and never even seems to notice other women, let alone cheat. He would also never lay a finger on me. We've been together for 12 years, and it is bliss by comparison.
Regards finances, does your H have a pension? You'd be entitled to half of that, and you could take it in cash (from the sale of the marital home). You would also be entitled to more cash to compensate you for giving up a career, to care for your children. What I'm saying, is that whatever equity you have in your home, will not be split 50/50 with him - you will get much more then him, due to the above. You do need to see a very good Solicitor. You don't have to leave until you're ready, but finding out about the financials would be helpful, as you'd know where you stand.
