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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband cheated on me with my friend at Christmas

101 replies

mum2be2013 · 25/02/2020 10:41

My husband cheated on me with someone who I thought was a close friend at a New Year’s Eve party at our home. I only found out as her husband caught them in the act in the kitchen.
I asked him to move out to give me time to think when it happened but he refused. He says it was a drunken mistake.
We’ve been together 20 years have 2 small children (3 and 6) I’m a sahm and so I’m completely dependent on him financially at the moment and I have no where I could go to to get away (with the children of course). So I feel trapped with him.
I can manage to be polite to him and pretend everything is fine in front of the children but I can’t imagine ever being intimate with him again as I feel so betrayed. When the children are both out (my little one has nursery three mornings) I find myself just crying - as i never thought my husband would cheat on me and now I can’t imagine getting over this and being a family again

OP posts:
squeaver · 25/02/2020 11:20

Have x-posted with lots of people. I agree with them all!

lemonysnickett88 · 25/02/2020 11:22

I'm a 31 year old single parent (we were married but I ended it) of 3 children aged 7 and under. I'm happy, much happier than I was in our relationship. I'm just about to move into a 3 bed semi-detached council house and money is fine. It's manageable with maintenance and I'm looking to go back to uni in September. You can do it.

Pumpkinpie1 · 25/02/2020 11:22

Do you think you suffer from low self esteem? Is that why you are making excuses for him & letting him treat you so badly?

balonzz · 25/02/2020 11:22

How awful for you OP. Many years ago I was in almost exactly the same position as you. I did not leave at the time, but I began planning my escape. As others have said, you need to look at getting some work, or training so that you have some skills to offer, a couple of years down the line. I never felt the same again about my OH after I discovered what he had been up to and I sure as hell wasn't going to waste the rest of my life on that jerk.

You need to work at getting free.

Konicek007 · 25/02/2020 11:22

So what is happening now, almost two months on? Anything changed, how is he behaving?

Wakaranaihito · 25/02/2020 11:22

Every dog is allowed one bite. If they do it again you get them put down.

This might be controversial but if you love your husband and want the marriage and family to work, it might be worth going to therapy together and seeing if you can sort it.

MummySharn · 25/02/2020 11:23

You definitely should leave him over this, you deserve much better

frazzledasarock · 25/02/2020 11:25

Get legal advice first.

Then think about getting a job. I would not be financially dependant on this man if I were you. Your marriage is not going to last. He’s going to leave you at some point.

Also I wouldn’t sleep with him and I would get an std check. He’s so casual about being caught trying to fuck your friend that I’d be surprised if this was the first time he’s slept around.

What’s wrong with a smaller house over your mental and physical wellbeing?

And I doubt you’d be single in your forties if you didn’t want to be. There are decent men around, if you want a relationship.

Nimello · 25/02/2020 11:25

Have you got family you could go stay with to get some space

Whatever you do, OP, don't do this. You need to stay put, because if you do end up divorcing, your husband would be able to say your housing needs can evidently be met if you have left the family home.

Given that you have been together 20 years and have two young children, your financial situation is probably not quite as bad as you think (I have been there, too - being a single mother in my 40s is the very, very last thing I wanted). I completely understand what you say about not wanting to disrupt the children's little lives - but the fact is, your husband has already disrupted them, and you now need to work out what is the best of all the bad options.

How much equity do you and your husband have in your house?

Neither XH nor I could afford to keep our lovely marital home, and I am still struggling a bit with the whole concept of a small house. But it's infinitely preferable to the alternative (namely living with him). The children's activities etc have largely continued.

Flowers for you, though.

Bringringbring12 · 25/02/2020 11:25

This combined with fact he hit you back in September.... it’s a no brainer really

NameChangeNugget · 25/02/2020 11:25

I’d be well pissed off with your friend. You don’t touch partners of friends past or present.

Bin the man off

ChuckleBuckles · 25/02/2020 11:27

OP of course you are terrified, you have shared your life with this man for many years, since you were very young so being with him is a big part of who you are. But he is not all you are, you deserve to be happy in a safe loving home with your DC.

For now, as all this seems overwhelming for you, all you have to do is go on a fact finding exercise, where do you stand financially, what are you entitled to legally, how would separation and divorce work for you, what kind of job would you like to do and would you need training for that role? That is all you are going to do, find answers to those questions and then decide how you want to act. Just one step at a time, small steps to work towards what is best for you and the DC. Access counselling alone if you can, ignore those who advise to tolerate this "for the children" it is not in their best interest to have a hurt mum. Be kind to yourself OP.

frazzledasarock · 25/02/2020 11:29

”Every dog is allowed one bite. If they do it again you get them put down”

My partner is a human being with the associated intelligence, self restrain and cognitive skills of a human being. So I don’t expect him to behave like a dog in heat.

It’s astounding how low the bar is set for men in relationships.

squeaver · 25/02/2020 11:31

I've just seen your other thread.
See a solicitor today.
He knows you're scared of him and that's why he hasn't left. This will happen again. He will hit you again.

PinkMonkeyBird · 25/02/2020 11:31

Please don't think being a single parent in your 40s is the end...it isn't. You deserve a hell of a lot better, trying to shag your friend in the kitchen FFS.

Yes, by all means take the advice of @Wakaranaihito and go to therapy - but you BOTH will have to agree this is what you want. Any sniff of him being reluctant, then you have your answer, he wants to air brush over it and will definitely cheat again given the chance.

You can airbrush over it and it will eat into your self esteem and confidence. You will become anxious all the time and question everything. The trust is gone and there is really no other option to make the plan to separate, because you deserve much better than this. I really feel for you OP as you are in a vulnerable position, but honestly...you can get yourself out of this and life will go on. So what if it is a smaller house/less activities etc...many of us have had to do this, but at the end of the day yours and your DC's emotional wellbeing are paramount. Your DH clearly didn't think of that when he was trying to shag your friend in the kitchen...

DingleberryRose · 25/02/2020 11:31

I could ‘possibly’ move on from a drunken mistake (never an affair) if my DH grovelled and pleaded and showed nothing but remorse but your husband’s response has been really shitty and very dismissive of you and your feelings.

I think this story also highlights the issues of one partner becoming financially dependent on the other. It’s almost always women too. I’d encourage any young women starting out in a relationship to do everything possible to avoid this scenario.

frazzledasarock · 25/02/2020 11:31

Hang on he’s also violent? Get rid of the fucker.

Get a shit hot lawyer and go for everything. And as op said do not under any circumstances leave the marital home.

Also if he tries to hit you again call the police and press charges. That will certainly get him out of the house.

Collidascope · 25/02/2020 11:32

Oh jeez, he's violent too.
I guarantee your children will be better growing up not watching your husband being allowed to treat you like crap. Do it for your sake and for theirs. Set them an example about what they should expect when they're grown up and what they won't put up with. My siblings and I grew up with a dad who was emotionally, financially and occasionally physically abusive to my mum. It's left its mark on all of us and I'd much preferred that she'd left him. You can do this, OP. It'll be hard at first, but you'll come out of it so much stronger.

goldenorbspider · 25/02/2020 11:32

So sorry this has happened op. You've got to take those steps, devils advocate you don't and stay with this man, what does life look like?

TopShelf · 25/02/2020 11:32

Sorry you're going through this, op, what a pair of sleazy
fuckers your H and so called friend turned out to be.

If your H had a shred of remorse he's do the decent thing
and move out for the sake of you and the DC. Typically he's
just looking out for number one.

As pp suggested have. look at getting some counselling and
give yourself some self caring.

For you. Flowers

Winterlife · 25/02/2020 11:33

It sounds as if you don’t know yet what you want. I suggest you get counselling to sort out your feelings.

TheGirlWithAPrince · 25/02/2020 11:34

Being drunk is no excuse.. Been drunk plenty of times with guys hitting on me, have never once Cheated... Always told them to buzz off and tumbled away

datasgingercatspot · 25/02/2020 11:37

It's over. He's an abusive cheater. He will never change and it's probably not the first time he cheated. You need to see a solicitor, not a therapist. He's not sorry. I'd look at getting a job, too. With equity you might not be as bad off as you think after divorce.

ittakes2 · 25/02/2020 11:39

I am sorry you must be terrified but its not the material things children want. They will know instinctively you are unhappy and you are their role model. None of this is your fault but better to be single at 40 something with a chance to find a decent new partner for the rest of your life than wait until the children grow up and you will be in your 50s then.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 25/02/2020 11:39

I'd go see a solicitor- arm yourself with information should you decide to leave (which I think you should!)

It may not be as bleak a you think, financially speaking. Would the kids have to adjust?- yes! But its not going to be a healthy environment having a mum that cries everyday.