Sexless marriage: what to do?

[Pizzafordinner]

Name-changed as regular poster and very active on a specific board which will be outing. Apologies in advance that this is long!

Been with DH for 11 years, married 3, with a 4 year old DC. For years now our sex life has been dwindling and we have been ‘sexless’ since last year (DTD twice and did ‘other stuff’ maybe a few times). Haven’t DTD this year. He very much sees it with rose-tinted glasses and thinks we are at it a lot more before DC was born, but I don’t remember it that way. I have very specific memories of making new year’s resolutions every year for at least 2-3 years before pregnancy that I would make more of an effort etc.

The lack of sex comes completely from me and the lack of intimacy has increased since DC was born. The first time we DTD after birth I cried throughout, not because of pain but just a really strong feeling of “I really don’t like this any more”. (No issues of consent, but the feeling hit me like a ton of bricks.) We speak about it from time to time and I feel that after these conversations we make more of an effort to be physically affectionate with eachother and that seems to help for a bit before it becomes difficult for him again. I usually get very upset during these conversations as I find it incredibly sad that I can’t be the wife he wants, and am holding back from telling him that I just don’t want to do anything any more. It’s not about him specifically, I have an incredibly strong feeling that I am done with the physical aspects of relationships full stop – whether that’s ours or some kind of imaginary hypothetical scenario if we were ever to split, which I categorially don’t want and has made me cry just writing this sentence.

We have had very specific conversations about how I feel when he wakes me up and gropes me, both in the context of the groping which I hate and the waking me up which I feel is disrespectful when I need my sleep (I work full time, do 90%+ of childcare when not at work, all night wakings, all cleaning, laundry, shopping, cooking, washing up, car stuff, admin, mental load etc.). He took this on board and has stopped doing it.

DH is the love of my life. He is the best person I have ever met and a wonderful Dad to our DC. We went through a lot to be together and have been through a lot together since. I want to grow old with him. I don’t ever want to be with anyone else. I can see how much it hurts him and I know he has stopped trying for fear of being rejected. If you asked me to write a list of things to do which involved sex, I would put it at the bottom every time. I don’t want hands on me, I don’t want tongues in my mouth, I’m ok with my body but I don’t want to be naked, I don’t want to be touched intimately or to touch anyone else. If someone told me I never had to do any of that again the relief I would feel would be immense.

In order to avoid a drip-feed, I was sexually assaulted about 15 years ago but I have had quite a few intimate and/or sexual relationships since then which were not affected by it at all. I don't think that's going on with DH is related to this.

So I am asking you wise people what you think. I have considered counselling but it would be unaffordable for us and with our work patterns very difficult to schedule, but not impossible. I have been thinking about it a lot but ultimately I feel have come to my decision so I’m not sure what help it would be. Reading this back I sound like a selfish bitch but selfishness is not where this is coming from, I just cannot bring myself to ‘perform’ when everything inside me is screaming no.

Thank you for taking the time to reads this essay! It feels good to have got it out.

Eliminate anything obvious -- any new medication or contraception that could be affecting your libido?
How are your levels of tiredness -- can you get enough support with that, as you did mention you're working a lot both inside and outside the home.
Is there anything you would like to do -- a plan to have sex (or something related) on a N times per month basis? (sounds not, but for some people it is better to plan).

Some people just aren’t sexual and that’s ok. I’m the same. I find it all just too yukky, intrusive and boring to be honest. It all seems about the bloke getting satisfied. Everything’s all about men in this world. Got to keep them satisfied. They’re owed sex. Grit your teeth etc so the whole saga just puts me right off. What’s at all interesting/sensual about letting a bloke you’ve just watched scratch his balls/pick his nose/fart stick his sweaty bits inside you just so he gets relief. Barf. But then that’s down to the individual. He has the right to want it and find somebody sexually compatible. You aren’t compatible and it’s selfish expecting him to stay in a relationship that isn’t meeting his needs. I guess if neither of you are getting your needs met then it’s best to call it a day.

This is something only you and he can work out together.

You both want a different kind of relationship.
Let him read what you have written (and then read it back to yourself as if he had written it about you).
Ask him to do the same from his perspective.

Thank you for your responses, much appreciated.

@waterSpider I have a health problem but it’s very much under control and was diagnosed way after all this started. I am a real planner by nature, but I would be miserable if I knew I had to force myself to do something I don’t want to do. It’s great advice and I have read it on many similar threads, but I don’t think it would work for me.

@mylittleboo You made me laugh, thank you :) I agree with you totally.

@ That’s great advice and will give a really interesting perspective, thank you so much.

Sorry, that last comment was for @OtherVoicesOtherRooms

I was put off sex with my last two ltr because they didn't pull their weight with childcare and housework. I was really resentful that I had no support from them and that made me lose any desire for them. Since splitting up, I've had relationships where sex is very much wanted and amazing.

You are tired and fed up of being on duty the whole time. He isn't amazing, he expects his live in maid and nanny who also works full time to also service him. Well if he pulled his weight and was a proper partner, you may start feeling differently

Some deep issues here which you have touched upon. You don't think current situation is affected by the assault etc but your statement " If someone told me I never had to do any of that again the relief I would feel would be immense" is very extreme! There must be something making you feel this way?

Would you be happy if DH was to get his physical needs satisfied elsewhere?

I feel the same. 20 years in and it has only got worse. With hindsight, I should have spoken up years ago. I love him very much, but I find his lack of respect and NEED for sex and attention a turn off.

Due to other issues, we did the marriage guidance route. There are free councillors out there. I didn't enjoy it, it was like we had an appointment every week for a row. We would go in 'talk', make agreements and come out angry & upset. We would then 'talk' some more. Next week, same thing.
Counselling works for some, not for others. You have to come away with a plan and be prepared to stick with it.

When you say you "cried throughout", do you mean that he kept going even after you started crying? And you do 99% of everything and work? And he wakes you up by groping you despite you having very clearly told him not to? I've got to be honest, at best he sounds like a selfish lazy creep, at worst he sounds like he might be sexually abusive. What do you love about him OP?

As previously said, this can only be sorted out by you , other posters have put their experiences and reasons for not wanting sex, but by the looks of it this don't parallel whats going on in your relationship.
It seems, and I may be wrong that you just don't want sex - not because of anything he does or doesn't do but rather your urges are different.
My view though is that a he will become more frustrated and resentful, and it will result in arguments and accusations, with your relationship being damages time goes on.
its not just about the lack of sex, but the lack of desire and that, I assume if you don't want it, you wont ever be the one initiating it.
Sorry to be pessimistic but whilst this marriage, I think it will become very toxic.

I think it might be worth trying the counselling to be honest it can't hurt to try and get to the bottom of why you feel like this. I know you said you don't think it's linked to the sexual assult but it could well be something to look at. If you go and it doesn't help you haven't lost anything but it might just help you. It might be that you are just totally worn out!you said you work and do most of the childcare , housework ECT can your oh not help out more?maybe you would feel more like it if there was less pressure on you. I hate when my husband gropes me too esp when trying to sleep .I think it's his way of trying to show he finds me sexy but it just makes me feel like a piece of meat. I'm glad your hubs has taken what you said onboard and stopped doing that. I think you sound like someone who is very much in love with her husband so maybe a good honest conversation with him would be the best way forward here . I hope this helps a bit. Best wishes to you xxx

I understand how you feel. I haven’t been assaulted but since having a child I don’t want sex with my dh at all. He’s lovely but I just can’t bear the thought of anyone touching me or kissing me, I physically tense up whenever he attempts it and he gets so sad about it. I wish it wasn’t an essential part of a relationship, I hate the pressure of having to do it and feeling like there’s something wrong with me because I’d be happy without it! I do get attracted to men but wouldn’t act on it because the thought of being intimate grosses me out!

I identify totally with how you feel. We tried counselling, both joint and just me - if anything it put me off more. I have now been on my own nearly 20 years, couldn’t contemplate another relationship as I couldn’t cope with the idea of physical intimacy. No assault in my past, no idea why I am like this. Can be very lonely

Thank you so much everyone. I am just off home and might not be able to come back on here tonight, but I have read and am totally taking on board all your responses, opinions and ideas.

To be clear, the time I cried there was absolutely no issue of consent, he did carry on but although I was crying I wanted him to because I wanted to see it through. If I had wanted him to stop he absolutely would have. There is no sexual abuse and I only had to mention the groping once before he stopped completely. @Lillipop87 I think the thinking behind the groping is exactly the same as what you experienced!

Hi OP
For what it’s worth - I think what you describe is far more common than anyone admits - even without building up years of resentment over imbalance in housework, childcare, emotional burden etc.
But also there are so many stories that start like yours until someone new shows them some attention and all the desires and heart flutters coming flooding back - and it rarely ends well. It’s either re-writing relationship history to justify and affair or reflecting that something is very wrong and can’t be just ignored.

So - my guess is just that - and if it makes any sense then all good - if not, keep searching.

I suspect you’ve stopped seeing your DH as a person in his own right - entirely separate from you. In stead - perhaps you see him as joined to you - just always there - to take or leave - your ‘other half’ that will just be there!
But he is someone with agency, who doesn’t owe you forever- and might be happier with someone who desires him.
It’s more than just complacency-it’s finding someone’s consistency actually mildly irritating- because they no longer keep you on your toes.
And perhaps if you spent more time apart - where he could enjoy the attention of others - regain self confidence (which will be on the floor) and have real options before him - it would do you both good in the long run?

Mylittleboo - Amen

Exactly op when he sees it as being sexual I find it an invasion of my space but it's different for me I have four kids youngest being five months and also a very busy toddler so by the end of the day I'm totally touched out and just want space! Then he feels all neglected. Urgh..sorry didn't mean to turn this into a rant lol. Oodles of sympathy op and I hope that you get to the bottom of it all and that things improve for you and your dh. Do you get much time together alone maybe a mini break ? Not to have sex but to reconnect and enjoy each other's company without feeling obliged to have sex. Hope this helps x

I have had 2 marriages and one 4 year live in relationship, now in late 50s and can honestly say I’ve felt like this every single time after the first couple of years. I can’t pinpoint why- I just generally can utterly take or leave it and ideally leave it.

Isn't it worth finding the money for counselling/therapy if this is threatening your marriage?

Have you thought about opening up the marriage so he can seek sex elsewhere?

I’d really encourage you to get some counselling for yourself, as this is clearly upsetting you a great deal and is probably touching some past issues too. Some things to consider may be: how were things sexually before you had children? How were the births? There are some hints you feel you are doing most of the parenting/housework load and that you are very tired: neither is great for encouraging desire. Is there any feeling of anger or anything unresolved with your partner? You clearly love him, but it’s possible to love someone and be profoundly pissed off with them too.

Also, do you want to get your desire back or are you wanting a way forward where you are both getting your needs met but separately?

You.sound like me
I have no interest and I never have had.

I'm at the other end of this, dh has no interest in a physical relationship and hasn't for close to a year now. Early on we had a great sex life, then had dc1 and naturally things slowed down then stopped, only picked up 3 1/2 years later when ttc dc2 who is 3 months old now. We haven't had any physical relationship for around 10 months and no sign of that changing.

I've accepted that dh just isn't interested so as much as i would like that to be a part of my life it isn't and I won't force the issue... maybe when the baby is a little older (and out of my bed) I'll feel differently but for now I respect that dh does not want to have sex. I have also found that I don't find him physically attractive anymore which may be connected to the death of our sex life, or the acceptance of it.

I think a sexless relationship is fine if both sides are happy with it. Sex certainly isn't essential but it does need to be a conversation and there is a risk that it's a 'deal breaker' but personally I would take that risk because it's not fair to force it either way.

We have had very specific conversations about how I feel when he wakes me up and gropes me, both in the context of the groping which I hate and the waking me up which I feel is disrespectful when I need my sleep

He sounds, as the kids say, "a bit rapey", tbh. This guy's really the "best person" you've ever met? How awful and disrespectful were your exs?

This guy gropes you unwanted, he wakes you for exhausted, unwanted sex. You've tried telling him no. He doesn't listen, he just continues to grab, wake and generally harass you for his own pleasure and with zero regard to what you actually want. Your sexual-subconscious has consequently shut up shop.

I believe that is the problem. Not you. HIM.