Sexless marriage: what to do?

[Pizzafordinner]

Name-changed as regular poster and very active on a specific board which will be outing. Apologies in advance that this is long!

Been with DH for 11 years, married 3, with a 4 year old DC. For years now our sex life has been dwindling and we have been ‘sexless’ since last year (DTD twice and did ‘other stuff’ maybe a few times). Haven’t DTD this year. He very much sees it with rose-tinted glasses and thinks we are at it a lot more before DC was born, but I don’t remember it that way. I have very specific memories of making new year’s resolutions every year for at least 2-3 years before pregnancy that I would make more of an effort etc.

The lack of sex comes completely from me and the lack of intimacy has increased since DC was born. The first time we DTD after birth I cried throughout, not because of pain but just a really strong feeling of “I really don’t like this any more”. (No issues of consent, but the feeling hit me like a ton of bricks.) We speak about it from time to time and I feel that after these conversations we make more of an effort to be physically affectionate with eachother and that seems to help for a bit before it becomes difficult for him again. I usually get very upset during these conversations as I find it incredibly sad that I can’t be the wife he wants, and am holding back from telling him that I just don’t want to do anything any more. It’s not about him specifically, I have an incredibly strong feeling that I am done with the physical aspects of relationships full stop – whether that’s ours or some kind of imaginary hypothetical scenario if we were ever to split, which I categorially don’t want and has made me cry just writing this sentence.

We have had very specific conversations about how I feel when he wakes me up and gropes me, both in the context of the groping which I hate and the waking me up which I feel is disrespectful when I need my sleep (I work full time, do 90%+ of childcare when not at work, all night wakings, all cleaning, laundry, shopping, cooking, washing up, car stuff, admin, mental load etc.). He took this on board and has stopped doing it.

DH is the love of my life. He is the best person I have ever met and a wonderful Dad to our DC. We went through a lot to be together and have been through a lot together since. I want to grow old with him. I don’t ever want to be with anyone else. I can see how much it hurts him and I know he has stopped trying for fear of being rejected. If you asked me to write a list of things to do which involved sex, I would put it at the bottom every time. I don’t want hands on me, I don’t want tongues in my mouth, I’m ok with my body but I don’t want to be naked, I don’t want to be touched intimately or to touch anyone else. If someone told me I never had to do any of that again the relief I would feel would be immense.

In order to avoid a drip-feed, I was sexually assaulted about 15 years ago but I have had quite a few intimate and/or sexual relationships since then which were not affected by it at all. I don't think that's going on with DH is related to this.

So I am asking you wise people what you think. I have considered counselling but it would be unaffordable for us and with our work patterns very difficult to schedule, but not impossible. I have been thinking about it a lot but ultimately I feel have come to my decision so I’m not sure what help it would be. Reading this back I sound like a selfish bitch but selfishness is not where this is coming from, I just cannot bring myself to ‘perform’ when everything inside me is screaming no.

Thank you for taking the time to reads this essay! It feels good to have got it out.

Sex is something that is an important part of a relationship for most people - men and women alike and if it's a deal breaker for the partner who wants it then that's their right and obviously, it's equally the right of the person who doesn't want sex not to have to do it for the sake of the relationship. Some people are happy with just the non-physical side of a relationship but it has to work for both parties. It's not fair to expect one party to live with the rules of the other.

Exactly the same as me but I believe it’s an hormonal issue. I have no sexual interest at all. Every so often it comes back, like a flipped switch, no factors other than changes in hormones. I wish I could change it but I have no idea how. It’s awful.

I was thinking hormones.. OP have you had yours checked? If you’re in peri-menopause, have any thyroid issues etc then this can hugely affect your libido. As can medication.

Also, resentment... Why are you doing all childcare and housework if you both work FT? That sounds very unbalanced and frankly would be enough to put me off sex.

Op I'm so relieved to read your post. Ever since having our second child 18 months ago I've been feeling the same. I wonder of it's because he's done having children so it's no longer "productive" to have sex. I've also been woken by gropes, I'm usually into at the time but do feel used after. I asked him to not touch me when we sleep but he claims he's also alseep when we start and I do kind of believe him because there are times when I've woken up to my hands on him. It's not happened for a while now but I'm still not feeling like I want to even kiss him. I am still breastfeeding and maybe a bit depressed so I'm not sure if it's more about the way I feel about myself or hormonal or the way I feel about him. I hope you feel less alone and I hope we both find a solution because I don't think this is an ideal situation to be in.

Reading the OP the two statements:

I work full time, do 90%+ of childcare when not at work, all night wakings, all cleaning, laundry, shopping, cooking, washing up, car stuff, admin, mental load

contrasts quite dramatically with:

He is the best person I have ever met and a wonderful Dad to our DC

A "wonderful Dad" who does 10% of the parenting, no housework, no shopping, cooking, cleaning or admin, despite the fact that you both work!? That's the best person you have ever met? Sounds like a pretty low bar to be honest.

Could that be it - he's become repulsive to you because he's useless, lazy, doesn't respect you enough to see you or treat you as an equal, and doesn't care enough to share the load or acknowledge that you are exhausted by carrying him?

In all seriousness what is it that is wonderful about him if he doesn't do anything, doesn't contribute anything in a practical sense, you are run ragged & do all the drudgery and work and there is no sex!?

I’m the same. I find it all just too yukky, intrusive and boring to be honest. It all seems about the bloke getting satisfied. Everything’s all about men in this world. Got to keep them satisfied. They’re owed sex. Grit your teeth etc so the whole saga just puts me right off. What’s at all interesting/sensual about letting a bloke you’ve just watched scratch his balls/pick his nose/fart stick his sweaty bits inside you just so he gets relief. Barf

This is sad to read. I don’t think this is how it is meant to be and it’s certainly not with me. It might be due to hormones etc, but it might also be that your partner is not putting in the time nor effort to make you feel good and you should be honest about this. My husband and I have been together around 25 years. Sex for us is fun, loving, connects us, is stress relieving and I have a great time, every time. TMI, but DH ensures I orgasm every time. Whether we do it daily or 2-3 times a week. I feel an equal in our sexual relationship. It’s as much about me as him and I think we all deserve to feel like that.

He sounds bone idle. Not “wonderful”. I would resent having to have sex with him tbh. Your tiredness and mental load is relevant here imo.

I have an incredibly strong feeling that I am done with the physical aspects of relationships full stop

You are done with him full stop - its quite possible you will find yourself developing feelings for other men later.

Your marriage is probably done. Its very unlikely you can ever get over these feelings. This is what this forum calls the "ick", the feeling of physical discomfort from touch and intimacy with your partner. It would be tempting to say he caused this, with not doing enough and the groping (which I hope he has stopped now), but that would probably be oversimplistic.

First off you have to be completely honest with him that you simply don't want sex with him at all. You should give counselling a try. But probably you'll have to end up separating for both your sakes.

It's a huge turn-off when your partner isn't in fact an equal partner but instead acts as an extra child...

But I think OP would know if it was just her DH rather than a more general change. It’s hard to imagine completely losing your libido until you experience it. For me it’s like there was a part of my brain that involved everything sex related and it has been cut out. Even the thought of sex is alien and wrong, repellant even. I have no sexual feelings at all, ever. No physical arousal to anything, ever. It even feels like my personality is different. In those times when it has returned (eg stopping breastfeeding, coming off the pill) I feel like a different person. I completely understand that feeling of just not wanting anyone to touch you ever again.

OP definitely worth getting your hormone levels tested and your thyroid. For me, I think I have a mild thyroid issue, not enough to treat, and a generally low oestrogen level. I’m considering going on an oestrogen dominant combined pill to see it it helps.

Wow, I am absolutely bowled over by how many responses I have had to this. Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply.

Firstly, please can I re-iterate that the groping stopped as soon as I raised this with him. He is not "rapey" and the groping never once led to sex (or anything else) as I was having none of it.

So much food for thought here. The imbalance at home is something we definitely need to discuss. It has happened organically over the last 11 years as I used to love doing all the house stuff before DC came along (yes really, I am just one of those weird people who genuinely loves domestic chores), and it's just continued from there, but I agree it shouldn't and possibly clouds the way I feel about him.

I'd love to get my hormones tested and will look in to that.

I think counselling is definitely something to try. I haven't got on with it in the past but it is worth another go. I have found some low cost options and we could dress it up as a date night to family who would babysit, as there's no way I'd want to tell them. I might go alone to start with to explore my own feelings and thoughts first.

Regarding an open marriage, I think I would be ok with it. It doesn't fill me with horror, anyway, as I want him to be happy and fulfilled so if that's how we reach that position I am ok with it. I have suggested this in the past and he has been dead against it but his reaction was more about DC and what to say to them, whereas I can see a way that they would never know. He also said me married me because he wants to have sex with me, not anyone else. Obviously I know there is a huge risk that he would meet someone he wanted to be with, but if that happened it'd be a cross I'd have to bear I guess.

For those of you who ask why I love him, I could sit here all day and list reasons, I really could. You'd love him too if you met him! He is one of those people who everyone likes and wants to be friends with. Me, not so much . To anyone who sees us together we are the perfect couple, we laugh all the time and have a strong and secure relationship based on friendship and trust. We're a team, we never argue, we are raising the most wonderful DC and have worked hard for our home which we love. The only thing 'wrong' is the lack of sex.

Thank you again so much everyone.

@TammySwansonTwo, you have hit the nail on the head there, that's exactly how it feels!

I would be very wary of opening the relationship that sounds like could open a huge can of worms but it sounds like he wouldn't want to do that anyway. Think it would defo be a good idea to go for the counselling you don't need to tell anyone what you are doing maybe even go for a drink or two after as well spend some quality time together..I think imbalance of work/home life could be contributing Alot defo have a chat with him about it. :) X

If you open the relationship, you have to be prepared for your husband to ‘fall in love’ with someone else or someone to fall in love with him, as it is often difficult to separate sex and emotion.

@DBML I agree.

@Lillipop87 Thank you

Opening the relationship very rarely seems to work, and is usually seems to be a bad idea. It seems to be the belief here that the main overwhelming cause, in the great majority of cases, of loss of female desire is resentment of imbalance in household chores.

That may be a factor, but I don't think its the main factor here. There would multiple factors, most of them neither party's fault. Of course it would be a good idea for him to assume more responsibility around the house, but I wouldn't expect it to make much difference.

I also suggest getting your hormones checked

When we give birth. We produce a multitude of things. But we produce two very important hormones. One is prolactin. Required for breastfeeding. One is oxytocin. Which is our love drug. When that’s released. We feel an intense love and happiness. Hence why people instantly feel love when they see their child. It’s the oxytocin

Now. When mothers have post natal depression. There are new studies being done right now. That show that you don’t produce enough oxytocin. (Now we don’t prescribe oxytocin in the uk. But the Americans do. For people with pan hypopiturism). Then our child doesn’t produce oxytocin. There’s a study going on in Israel right now that is giving new mothers with PP oxytocin nasal sprays. It is showing that the child produces more of it too. One of the amazing things our bodies do. Links us with our children.

Now. If your breastfeeding. Or just given birth. Some of us don’t produce the ‘right’ hormones. Hence not being able to breastfeed. No feeling that love straight away. Oxytocin also helps the womb contract after birth. It does a lot.

If one of these hormones don’t work. The other hormones step up. To fill in the gap. They compensate. Some over compensate. Some don’t even step up. Your hormones require such balance . That the world super computer can’t even calculate it! Because it’s something ridiculously complicated sum.

People who are breastfeeding can sometimes produce too much prolactin. That the other hormones shrink away. Hence we lose our drive. Love drive. Love hormone. Sex drive.

First things first. If this has come on since birth. Then please get hormones checked

HOWEVER and this is a big however. Remember that in the U.K. we don’t test for oxytocin. Nor do we replace it. But it could show others that we can replace that might need help

Hope this makes sense

I work for one of England’s leading endocrine drs

I also suggest to anyone else that struggles with depression after birth. Or sex drive. Also get their hormones checked out

Unfortunately. Most of it has to be done privately. The gp can test for the two hormones needed to survive. Which is cortisol and thyroid. But rarely refuse to test for others. Even with thyroid. Most gp surgeries refused to do free t3 testing

There are a few good private companies who can test. Some gps will also do the test. But the majority won’t. Just to warn you

There is no sexual abuse

Wen he was groping you without your consent, that is sexual assault. It doesn't matter if he stoped after you raised it, it's still not ok. It's bound to have contributed to you not feeling sexually keen on him.

You had sex and you wanted to 'see it through' even though you were crying? That's really grim OP.

You don't come across as selfish to me- if you can't bring yourself to have sex as you're really not in the zone, you can't bring yourself to have sex.

You could have your hormones checked but I bet it'd come back as nothing wrong with them. Same goes for you @TammySwansonTwo . It's just the way it goes sometimes.

Thank you everyone.

@NoMoreDickheads, yes it does sound grim but I bet I'm not the only person who has reacted like this the first time after birth. It was an emotional reaction and I absolutely consented and wanted to do it from start to finish. As I mentioned in my op I have been sexually assaulted in the past, I know what it is and how it made me feel.

but although I was crying I wanted him to because I wanted to see it through.

He should have stopped. Sex shouldn't be something you have to see through! If it was the other way round, would you just keep going and get yourself off on a partner who was lying there crying?

Youve basically described my marriage to my ex husband. Sex was just another thing on the list of shit I had to remember. We never did fix it sadly. I saw a post on here recently and it was a lightbulb moment for me. It said that when one half of the relationship does all the organising and the 'life admin' and the emotional load, the power shifts and you go in to a parental role, which kills the desire for your adult pseudo-child dead. I'm not sure if this is fixable without a lot of work. Maybe?

I'm now in a very happy 2nd marriage where this isn't an issue, mostly because I am militant that I will never let that happen again and my now DH is not as 'checked out' of family life.

Opening the marriage doesn't necessarily mean finding another 'regular' person. Could be a professional per se that he pays for on a monthly basis, protected etc.

I have no doubt that the issue for me is hormonal. It started when I was on a treatment that put me into temporary menopause and I have never properly recovered it. The only time it has come back is when my hormone levels have had a significant change and it’s a very dramatic change, for a short period. There’s no other common factor. Had a period of several months last year where it would return for two weeks at a time along with a lot of other symptoms, and then go again for a couple of weeks.

One lot of blood tests showed my oestrogen below normal range, when it was repeated at a different point in my cycle it was just in normal range so the doctors ruled it out but I’m pretty sure it’s a factor.

The strain on my marriage is ridiculous and I definitely don’t want to live the rest of my life like this, but so far I haven’t been able to find anyone to help me get to the bottom of it.

I too have a history of sexual assault but this is not a factor when I actually have a sex drive. I do wonder though if the loss of libido coupled with that trauma is why it’s so bad when it’s gone

I think the hormonal implications should be looked into but I'm also aware that most blood tests are not conclusive as hormones change regularly.

My view on this situation is that resentment has crept into the relationship and this for me is a real game changer in a relationship.

Once you resent your man and see him as an extra man child to look after, it's hard to get back, but not impossible.

I remember reading this in one of Sheryl Sandbergs books so have copied below.

When husbands do more housework, wives are less depressed, marital conflicts decrease, and satisfaction rises. When women work outside the home and share breadwinning duties, couples are more likely to stay together. In fact, the risk of divorce reduces by about half when a wife earns half the income and a husband does half the housework. For men, participating in child rearing fosters the development of patience, empathy, and adaptability, characteristics that benefit all of their relationships. For women, earning money increased their decision-making ability in the home, protects them in case of divorce, and can be important security in later years, as women often outlive their husbands. Also and many might find this the most motivating factor couples who share domestic responsibilities have more sex.