Name-changed as regular poster and very active on a specific board which will be outing. Apologies in advance that this is long!
Been with DH for 11 years, married 3, with a 4 year old DC. For years now our sex life has been dwindling and we have been ‘sexless’ since last year (DTD twice and did ‘other stuff’ maybe a few times). Haven’t DTD this year. He very much sees it with rose-tinted glasses and thinks we are at it a lot more before DC was born, but I don’t remember it that way. I have very specific memories of making new year’s resolutions every year for at least 2-3 years before pregnancy that I would make more of an effort etc.
The lack of sex comes completely from me and the lack of intimacy has increased since DC was born. The first time we DTD after birth I cried throughout, not because of pain but just a really strong feeling of “I really don’t like this any more”. (No issues of consent, but the feeling hit me like a ton of bricks.) We speak about it from time to time and I feel that after these conversations we make more of an effort to be physically affectionate with eachother and that seems to help for a bit before it becomes difficult for him again. I usually get very upset during these conversations as I find it incredibly sad that I can’t be the wife he wants, and am holding back from telling him that I just don’t want to do anything any more. It’s not about him specifically, I have an incredibly strong feeling that I am done with the physical aspects of relationships full stop – whether that’s ours or some kind of imaginary hypothetical scenario if we were ever to split, which I categorially don’t want and has made me cry just writing this sentence.
We have had very specific conversations about how I feel when he wakes me up and gropes me, both in the context of the groping which I hate and the waking me up which I feel is disrespectful when I need my sleep (I work full time, do 90%+ of childcare when not at work, all night wakings, all cleaning, laundry, shopping, cooking, washing up, car stuff, admin, mental load etc.). He took this on board and has stopped doing it.
DH is the love of my life. He is the best person I have ever met and a wonderful Dad to our DC. We went through a lot to be together and have been through a lot together since. I want to grow old with him. I don’t ever want to be with anyone else. I can see how much it hurts him and I know he has stopped trying for fear of being rejected. If you asked me to write a list of things to do which involved sex, I would put it at the bottom every time. I don’t want hands on me, I don’t want tongues in my mouth, I’m ok with my body but I don’t want to be naked, I don’t want to be touched intimately or to touch anyone else. If someone told me I never had to do any of that again the relief I would feel would be immense.
In order to avoid a drip-feed, I was sexually assaulted about 15 years ago but I have had quite a few intimate and/or sexual relationships since then which were not affected by it at all. I don't think that's going on with DH is related to this.
So I am asking you wise people what you think. I have considered counselling but it would be unaffordable for us and with our work patterns very difficult to schedule, but not impossible. I have been thinking about it a lot but ultimately I feel have come to my decision so I’m not sure what help it would be. Reading this back I sound like a selfish bitch but selfishness is not where this is coming from, I just cannot bring myself to ‘perform’ when everything inside me is screaming no.
Thank you for taking the time to reads this essay! It feels good to have got it out.