My BF can’t get over my ex? Is it my fault?

[Emilywardyy]

I’m a 27 female and I have been in my relationship with my BF for nearly 3 years - he’s slightly younger than me.

After around 6 months of dating, we were super happy everything’s great - you know how it goes.
This new amazing guy I was dating decided to go through my things and found a couple of photos of an ex.

I’ll point out I DID NOT have feelings for this ex I left him. And was proud I did because he was abusive, I kept a couple of photos cause I was always told don’t completely erase your whole past.

anyway my new BF felt hurt and questioned me- he demanded I get rid. At first i didn’t Delete cause it’s my past right? but after a day or two I did. I knew these photos didn’t mean enough to me and this new guy and my future with him far more important. CLICK DELETE GONE. Never to be seen again. I apologised and explained. I completely understood where he was coming from

Following this over the last few years he’s brought it up a few times argued with me etc- but I’ve always offered him reassurance. No matter how much he interrogated me .

but it’s now at a point where hes said doesn’t know if he can trust me and feels I still have love for my ex. He completely blames me for his insecurity, even though I have constantly reassured him . I’ve never lied or hidden a thing. Consistently told him the EX is no one to me! - he just doesn’t believe me.
He ends the relationship all the time and comes back to me saying sorry. but just repeats the cycle. I just don’t get his behaviour and it’s breaking my heart in the process as I just want him to realise how much I love him. Since then I haven’t done anything to betray him

im not perfect but please be honest with me.. is what I did so Terrible. Is all this my fault?

im so in love with this guy. But drained from the fact he doesn’t believe me when I tell him how I feel. And plays with my heart.

please offer any advice, cause I’m so lost.

You have done nothing wrong.
Your bf is controlling and he will never get any better.
You think you love him but he's making you feel insecure. Leaving you and coming back again.
He's really no good and you need to dump his sorry arse.
Real men, good men don't behave like this.
You can do so much better.

All this because you have a few photos? I got a ton of pics of my ex and I can't stand him. And I've never thrown away or deleted pics of my exes. They become history but my history.

Why is he so hung up on this? It's either because he's still hung up on his ex or he's gas lighting you or there is something wrong with him.

Oh sweetheart. I have been exactly where you are.

You've done nothing wrong.

Please, for the love of God, run like the wind. Nothing good will come of this. Please believe me, I have lived through this and I promise you, you cannot win this one.

Trust me... Your just another girl fallen for a controlling asshole.

I would run, okay you love him but this will be him for the rest of your life.

It starts about the ex but then suddenly it's about the fact you said hi to another guy or you looked flirtatiously at the checkout guy or your top is too low or you shouldn't wear makeup. You will have kids and suddenly it's where are you going?? Constantly as you are trying to take your baby/kids to play, so you stop leaving the house because you don't want to annoy him.

Then you find that you rely solely on him because he makes the money, he owns the house, he owns everything and you feel hopeless without him as your child grows up thinking that it's normal to be treated that way or to treat others that way.

This is all a scenario but it's the most common scenario there is.

I’ve been with my husband for years, when we first met I introduced him to my ex because we were still friends, he had no problem with that and has never mentioned it then or after. I’ve met his exes when we are out and about in his home town, not an issue.
You kept a couple of photos, I have entire photo albums somewhere which contain various pictures of exes. It’s not an issue at all.
If he keeps ‘forgiving’ you, then taking that back and then ‘forgiving’ again, that’s not a way to treat someone. Tell him you’ve done nothing wrong but you can’t live with his insecurity. Best to get out now.

Dump immediately. Dont go back, no matter what. GET SOME THERAPY so you dont keep jumping from one abusive and controlling relationship to the next and learn to recognise the subtle warning signs. Next he'll ask you to prove you're sorry. Run girl

His insecurity is not your fault. Its his problem. Run!

What a baby.

Yeah OP, you’ve don’t nothing wrong. He sounds like a drama queen at best, controlling and manipulative at worst.

Honestly I wouldn’t put up with that shit. It does sound exhausting and he either needs to knock it on the thread for good or you need to be done with him. He’s only going to use it against you for ever. Pretty pathetic if you ask me.

For what it’s worth I haven’t erased any of my past. Why should I? I also wouldn’t expect a partner to - unless the ex was an actual real life problem. You’re obviously mature, rational and sensible a why put up with a moron who sounds like he’s only getting worse with the manipulation and controlling behaviour.

What else does he hold over your head when you’ve “done wrong”?!

Yup, controlling.

He must be absolutely loving your efforts to appease him, so he keeps on dragging this bullshit up. Does he get funny each time you go out too? So you avoid going out instead of causing hassle?

Stop trying to soothe his fragile ego & worry about yourself. Get angry with him for causing you grief over the imaginary man who lives in his head.

Look him in the eye, use a strong voice & tell the needy fucker to let it go, or piss off because you're sick of this shit.

Also, he decided to go through my things.

Hell no!

You need to get out. This isn't going to get better.

You're in another abusive relationship
End it and do the freedom programme before you date anyone else

He's been banging on about this for 2 1/2 years? Tell him to fuck off, tell him he's boring as fuck, and tell him to fuck off again! Sad, petty little bellend.

Why are you putting up with this sweetheart? One abusive relationship to the next by the looks of things. Just because he's "better" than the previous one. Get yourself away from him, you don't deserve that.

I've been married previously, we have photos in our house of my first wedding (for my child) and my current DH has never once said anything negative about my past however difficult my ex has made our lives at times. We all have a past!

My kids have photos of their dad in their bedroom. My partner has never even commented apart from to take the piss about how Mumsy I look!

He is not insecure, he is abusive. He is using this to control you. It could have been anything.

You should have dumped him at the point he went through your things and made you delete photos.

This might be different abuse than you were receiving from the ex, but controlling behaviour is abuse.

Each time he leaves is a way to control you.

You need to end this relationship.

You said your previous boyfriend was abusive.

So is your new boyfriend.

Dump him and do the freedom programme so you can recognise the behaviours and change your own accordingly.

Your boyfriend is being abusive and you really need to end the relationship for your own sanity.

You’ve gone from one abusive relationship to another. I really really hope you can see that otherwise your life is going to be pretty shit.

This is absolutely classic controlling behaviour and emotional abuse. Any adult will have had past relationships - that's life. Keeping you feeling drained and repeatedly breaking your heart is how he is maintaining control over you. He is a nasty, cruel abuser.

Please, please end this now. You are not happy. A relationship should enhance your life, not destroy it. Ultimately you have the choice about what you do here, but as others have suggested please do the Freedom programme online even if you decide to stay with him.

I have suffered from what you’re boyfriend is suffering from... it’s called retroactive jealousy

It’s horrible but he needs to recognise its a problem and get some help for it to over come it providing he isn’t controlling or abusive in other ways

You are not angry enough.

He thinks you are the kind of person who cheats and lies.

You are not.

Why are you trying to convince him? He is not logical. This is not about reassurance. This is about him being being seriously wrong in the head! You can't talk someone out of crazy.

How about, right this second and from now on, you refuse to reassure him at all.

Why do you take him back after he dumps you?

Tell him that it's totally unacceptable that he keeps saying that you are lying and you cannot be with someone who doesn't trust you. And walk away.

Sorry but that is horrible, controlling behaviour. Completely unacceptable. I'd give him his marching orders. Go careful though. It sounds like he could be a bit volatile if you tell him it's over. He sounds very worrying to me.