My BF can’t get over my ex? Is it my fault?

[Emilywardyy]

I’m a 27 female and I have been in my relationship with my BF for nearly 3 years - he’s slightly younger than me.

After around 6 months of dating, we were super happy everything’s great - you know how it goes.
This new amazing guy I was dating decided to go through my things and found a couple of photos of an ex.

I’ll point out I DID NOT have feelings for this ex I left him. And was proud I did because he was abusive, I kept a couple of photos cause I was always told don’t completely erase your whole past.

anyway my new BF felt hurt and questioned me- he demanded I get rid. At first i didn’t Delete cause it’s my past right? but after a day or two I did. I knew these photos didn’t mean enough to me and this new guy and my future with him far more important. CLICK DELETE GONE. Never to be seen again. I apologised and explained. I completely understood where he was coming from

Following this over the last few years he’s brought it up a few times argued with me etc- but I’ve always offered him reassurance. No matter how much he interrogated me .

but it’s now at a point where hes said doesn’t know if he can trust me and feels I still have love for my ex. He completely blames me for his insecurity, even though I have constantly reassured him . I’ve never lied or hidden a thing. Consistently told him the EX is no one to me! - he just doesn’t believe me.
He ends the relationship all the time and comes back to me saying sorry. but just repeats the cycle. I just don’t get his behaviour and it’s breaking my heart in the process as I just want him to realise how much I love him. Since then I haven’t done anything to betray him

im not perfect but please be honest with me.. is what I did so Terrible. Is all this my fault?

im so in love with this guy. But drained from the fact he doesn’t believe me when I tell him how I feel. And plays with my heart.

please offer any advice, cause I’m so lost.

He ends the relationship all the time and comes back to me saying sorry. but just repeats the cycle.

And he'll continue toying with you. Even his controlling you and his invasion of your privacy is just a game to him.

Stop being his mouse. This will never be good enough. For your own emotional health you have to leave him. And shore up your defences to stop him from roping you back in.

And do read up about boundaries!

For now its 'delete the pictures of your ex' and 10 years down the line it'll be 'send me a picture of where you are if you say you're there'. Get rid. Now. Red flags all over the gaff.

Your partner sounds like he has serious issues. If I were you I would run a mile.

You say Since then I haven’t done anything to betray him which just goes to show how he has successfully convinced you that you have done something wrong. You have not betrayed him and it is perfectly normal to have photos of your ex. My Facebook is absolutely full of old photos. It would be madness to go through and delete any with him in. My husband would never expect that either.

There's no more to say. It's all been said. You have to escape this guy. If you were my daughter I'd be worried sick about you.

Oh God I had one of these too. He constantly accused me of sleeping with someone else (he didn't have any particular candidate). Defending myself took so much time and energy and it was so constant. Looking back I can't believe I spent two years of my twenties living like that. I look back on it now, twenty years later, and so wish I'd walked away at the first unfounded random accusation. Please get away from him

You've got another controller here, totally fine to have pics of ex's. I've got some on my Facebook. If anyone doesn't like it they can do one. It's a big red flag and it's a worry why it's taken you years to ask and wonder about this. You clearly need to work on yourself and your boundaries before trying to date anyone else as you've not been able to see what has been staring you in the face for so long.hes had you right where he wants you for ages - on the defensive.

He is a controlling abusive cunt. He is loving the way he makes you run around after him apologising for something you did not do. Dump him now because if you don't he will ruin your life.

Run, he's controlling and it won't go away or get better.

I still have my wedding album in the loft, there are things in the house me and my current Partner use that were here when I was married. It's not like you've been rubbing your ex in his face for years.

People have history, that's part of who you are now, and that's who he's meant to love...

Next time he finishes it take him at his word.

You are his whipping boy, his emotional punchbag. If it wasn’t the photos it would have been something else.

He is a very emotionally abusive man and his purpose is to erode and diminish and demolish you.

Get researching, get support, get planning and get out.

It’s simple - though not easy.

What was your upbringing like?

You need to see why your boundaries are so low and work to build them up.

Well done for getting away from your first EA BF.

Well done for sensing this isn’t right.

Well done for posting on here.

Keep going.

I have old photos in the attic of past boyfriends as does my DH. It's out past. I won't be throwing them out for anyone and it's quite nice to look at them. My DH was arty and had taken some arty Black and white topless photos of a long term girlfriend and I have never asked him to get rid of them. We all have our history and your partner is abusing you ..... you need to take some time out to reflect on why your dating men that treat you badly

We are all calling controlling arsehole.

You should call time.

This is only going to get worse and worse as time goes on. He doesn't even see you as a real person, OP. He's wound up that someone else got to play with his shiny new toy and he's going to break it in anger one day.

This new amazing guy I was dating decided to go through my things and found a couple of photos of an ex. He is not amazing. He had no right to go through your things.

he demanded I get rid He has no right to demand anything.

No matter how much he interrogated me. He has no right to interrogate you.Who the hell does he think he is? The Spanish Inquisition?

He completely blames me for his insecurity, even though I have constantly reassured him. It is not your fault that he is a complete twat.

Like everyone else has said you're in another abusive relationship. He may not be the level 10 controlling arsehole your ex was, but that doesn't mean you put up with a level 8 controlling arsehole. Dump him. He will only get worse and you deserve better.

And do the Freedom Programme before you date again, then you'll recognise these knobheads for what they are.

He's displacing his insecurities on to you. He's controlling and abusive. You've done nothing wrong. Please get out of the relationship before it progresses.

He sounds like an arsehole. LTB

It is definitely not your fault!
You have been with him 3 years and he's still banging on about some photos he found in the beginning? Oh my God how tedious.

Stop explaining and reassuring him and get angry!
He knows you haven't betrayed him or still want your ex. He's just using it as an excuse to control you.

How dare he go through your things especially after only a few months together?
How dare he demand things or interrogate you?

Dump him permanently and be kind to yourself.

Everyone has told you that you've done nothing wrong and that your BF IS a giant bloody red flag!!

Everything he has done, has been to control you.

He had no right to search through your things, no right to accuse you, no right to interrogate you........and yet you still think it's up to YOU to ''prove'' you're good enough ??

I've got news for you dear, you'll NEVER be good enough for him in his eyes, cos if you were, he'd have no control over you :(

Please get yourself as far away from this prick as soon as possible ! ( and please let us know you're OK and can hopefully understand what we're telling you).x

Bin him
I had an ex just the same hence why he’s an ex, jealous possessive narc he then harassed me for years once we split it took me 3 years to even contemplate another relationship.
He won’t change, after 3 years he’s learned you’ll take him back
Why is a man jealous of a picture it’s bizzare the way their minds work but I don’t want that negativity in my life. I hope you can move on and meet someone who deserves you

No OP, fuck that. Jealous of a few photos my arse. He’s not insecure about your ex, it’s just that knowing you had an ex messes with his feeling of ownership over you. When its not the ex it’ll be something else. He thinks he owns you, so anything you do, think or feel that he doesn’t approve of will send him into a strop.

How can you stay with a prick who dumps you every 5 minutes? If he loved you he wouldn’t keep dumping you. He does it because every time you take him back it validates his need to be centre of your world.

I bet it’s not just the ex and the photos, I bet it’s every time you say no or disagree with him, but then I bet you never say no or disagree with him do you, because you know what’ll happen.

You might think he’s insecure for being hung up about your ex, but what about you? You put up with him going through your stuff, sticking his beak into your past, dictating which parts of your life you’re allowed to acknowledge, messing you about and blowing hot and cold, why is it him who you think is insecure? If you were a strong confident person you wouldn’t put up with that shit. Start working on yourself, otherwise once you get rid of this tosser there’ll be another along to take his place.

Who do you think has power in this relationship? You think he’s insecure but it’s him who is pulling all the strings. He plays the victim then dumps you for the 8503rd time, then comes back and tells you he wants to get back together, and because you see him as the poor little damaged victim you take him back. He is in control here and he knows it. He’s very secure, because he knows he’s got you dancing to his tune.

How amazing for him to have a girlfriend who with a bit of emotional discipline lets him get away with doing anything he wants and lets him dictate the terms of the relationship. That doesn’t sound insecure to me, that sounds like someone who knows exactly what they’re doing and who makes sure they select the right person to do it to.

OP, I really hope you know what to do and are just asking here to check.

Red flag 1: he searched your personal possessions. Unacceptable.
Red flag 2: he is obsessed with your ex, which sounds like a mental health problem.
Red flag 3: he endlessly nags and controls you
Red flag 4: he keeps dumping you.

He is a nightmare. You have done nothing wrong, he has behaved outrageously, and yet he says everything is your fault.

The fact that you haven't yet left him, and are asking what to do, shows that he has knocked your self-confidence down to zero. Please escape before he does you any more harm. He has serious problems of his own but you cannot help him because he has centred them around you — he needs a professional therapist.

You have done nothing wrong.
Your bf is controlling and he will never get any better.
You think you love him but he's making you feel insecure. Leaving you and coming back again.
He's really no good and you need to dump his sorry arse.
Real men, good men don't behave like this.
You can do so much better

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