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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My BF can’t get over my ex? Is it my fault?

72 replies

Emilywardyy · 25/02/2020 02:51

I’m a 27 female and I have been in my relationship with my BF for nearly 3 years - he’s slightly younger than me.

After around 6 months of dating, we were super happy everything’s great - you know how it goes.
This new amazing guy I was dating decided to go through my things and found a couple of photos of an ex.

I’ll point out I DID NOT have feelings for this ex I left him. And was proud I did because he was abusive, I kept a couple of photos cause I was always told don’t completely erase your whole past.

anyway my new BF felt hurt and questioned me- he demanded I get rid. At first i didn’t Delete cause it’s my past right? but after a day or two I did. I knew these photos didn’t mean enough to me and this new guy and my future with him far more important. CLICK DELETE GONE. Never to be seen again. I apologised and explained. I completely understood where he was coming from

Following this over the last few years he’s brought it up a few times argued with me etc- but I’ve always offered him reassurance. No matter how much he interrogated me .

but it’s now at a point where hes said doesn’t know if he can trust me and feels I still have love for my ex. He completely blames me for his insecurity, even though I have constantly reassured him . I’ve never lied or hidden a thing. Consistently told him the EX is no one to me! - he just doesn’t believe me.
He ends the relationship all the time and comes back to me saying sorry. but just repeats the cycle. I just don’t get his behaviour and it’s breaking my heart in the process as I just want him to realise how much I love him. Since then I haven’t done anything to betray him

im not perfect but please be honest with me.. is what I did so Terrible. Is all this my fault?

im so in love with this guy. But drained from the fact he doesn’t believe me when I tell him how I feel. And plays with my heart.

please offer any advice, cause I’m so lost.

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 25/02/2020 07:21

2.5 years ago would've been the best time to dump him. Now is the next best time.

Wereallsquare · 25/02/2020 07:22
  1. End the relationship. He is controlling and abusive.
  2. Do the Freedom Programme so you can learn self-esteem and make better choices in men.
thickwoollytights · 25/02/2020 07:27

Leave him

Do not ignore red flags again

Sicario · 25/02/2020 07:29

This scenario never ends well. First he's demanding you delete photographs, next it's controlling who you see, what you wear, how you conduct yourself....

I think you've been here before.

Get rid.

lifeisgoodmostofthetime · 25/02/2020 07:32

This has happened to me in the exact same way. It never gets better because he is insecure. For me it ended up in manipulation, control and I was stripped of my personality. Took me 6 years to wake up and leave. Why was he going through your things? Alarm bells there

Salene · 25/02/2020 07:32

Jesus he sounds nuts.

I'm married 8 years and I'm pretty much friends with all my ex's on Facebook plus my last one before my husband I text occasionally about general chit chat

That's absolutely crazy he is behaving like that over a photo

I'm sorry I would get rid of him

pinkyredrose · 25/02/2020 07:36

Why didn't you leave him when he disrespected your privacy? Has he done anything like this since that you're aware of?

Obviously you reassuring him doesn't work so next time he starts turn things back on him. When he says he cant trust you tell him you don't know if you can trust him as he doesn't respect your privacy.

CanNotSeeTheWoodForTheTrees · 25/02/2020 07:39

No, this is not your fault. He is an abusive arse who is trying to control you.

My BF spends one weekend a month staying at his exes/with his kids and messages a lot with his ex.

I've got a ton of pictures / love letters from my exes - they mean nothing to be except that they are a part of my history.

Please get rid of this sorry excuse of a man.

Beamur · 25/02/2020 07:40

Sorry OP. It's not you, it's him.
There isn't a good way out of this. He has escalated and persisted with this irrational jealousy and it's unhealthy and controlling.
Stop appeasing him and my advice would be to leave. Ultimatums are unlikely to work.

SirChing · 25/02/2020 07:41

Trauma bonding to controlling men often feels exactly like love. This man is massively controlling and if it wasn't the photos it would be something else. There is NOTHING wrong with having photos of your ex. Blimey, I found some nudes that my exP had forgotten to delete of his ex, in amongst photos of renovation work they were doing at the time the nudes were taken. He deleted them as soon as I showed him. I couldn't give less of a shit. We all have a past. This guy is bad news and is abusive. Run like the wind.

tenlittlecygnets · 25/02/2020 07:57

You have done absolutely nothing wrong. But he has.

He went through your things??? How rude!

And now he's gaslighting you and being abusive.

Does he expect you to be a virgin with no ex boyfriends? If it wasn't this, he'd pick on you for something else.

Dump him! You're too good for him.

user1493413286 · 25/02/2020 08:03

Just normal photos? I don’t understand his problem; we all have pasts and we can’t delete people from them. I have photos of my ex as does my DH just because why would we delete them all?
He sounds awful to be honest and emotionally abusive.

AnneKipanki · 25/02/2020 08:18

Get rid of the new boyfriend.

AnneKipanki · 25/02/2020 08:19

He will drain you so there is nothing leftover.

Nowayorhighway · 25/02/2020 08:34

He sounds like another abusive man, super controlling. Most of us have a past, it’s just something you accept as an adult. The fact he’s so hung up on this after three years is absolutely ludicrous.

DingleberryRose · 25/02/2020 08:39

This new amazing guy I was dating decided to go through my things

This was the red flag at which you should have ran in the opposite direction of this controlling and abusive asshole.

TorkTorkBam · 25/02/2020 08:46

I think you are confusing trauma bonding with love.

Anniegetyourgun · 25/02/2020 09:00

I had one of these (and I hadn't even had any boyfriends before him!). I thought if I proved my loyalty by (a) marrying him, (b) having children with him and (c) not cheating on him (duh!) he would eventually learn to trust me. After 20+ years of pretty much non-stop accusations I found myself looking forward to getting so old, fat and ugly that obviously nobody else would want me, but he said "some people are peculiar" so I couldn't even win that one. When I divorced him he said I had been "planning this all along". I said why did he think I had taken so long about it when I could have dumped him any time in the last 25 years? He had no answer.

You can't reason with someone who is either unable to be reasonable or determined not to be.

simplekindoflife · 25/02/2020 09:07

Oh OP it's just a red herring, an emotional stick to beat you with. If it hadn't have been this he would've found something else to whinge about.

I doubt he's even that bothered about the ex, it's just a game these type of men like to play. It's all about control and winning arguments.

If I was you I would run like the wind!

But if you're not ready for that (yet) at least lay down some ground rules right now. He either builds a bridge and moves on and never mentions your ex again, or the relationship is over.

Bluewater1 · 25/02/2020 09:09

Run for the wind

Bluewater1 · 25/02/2020 09:12

Run like the wind I mean

JillAmanda · 25/02/2020 09:17

He is not a good man. You have done NOTHING wrong. Get rid. This will NOT improve.

NoMoreDickheads · 25/02/2020 09:31

He is abusive and aggressive with how he's going on at you, what's more he went/goes through your things. I imagine it makes you double check everything you do so as to not do something/have something around that he might lose it over and unjustly use against you.

He's not nice. Block and have a more relaxing and peaceful life.

sunshineANDsweetpeas · 25/02/2020 09:36

He doesn't trust you because you have old photos of an ex - you do realise who completely unreasonable he's being?

Strangely enough I was just sorting through some old photos recently and came across photos of me and two ex's which were taken about 20 odd yes ago. I showed my dh and we laughed at how ridiculous and young we looked.

Dery · 25/02/2020 09:46

Your current BF may be less abusive than your previous BF, or abusive in a different way, but his behaviour is still seriously abusive.

Your past is your past and his failure to deal with it is his problem, not yours. The fact that he went through your things was already a big red flag, made worse by the fact that he forced you to delete those photos. But based on your timeline, he has been using what he discovered to punish you for over 2 years. His behaviour is abnormal and unhealthy. My H and I have both remained friends with a couple of exes and see them socially from time to time. I have plenty of photos of exes, and so does he. That is how a partner with healthy, normal boundaries behaves.

Your BF is using your past to control you – he's got you exactly where he wants you, hasn't he? You may feel you love him because unfortunately society has perpetuated the myth that love is chiefly about anguished longing and pain. It's not – healthy love is grounding, confidence-building and peaceful. There will be occasional annoyance and hurt in any long-term loving relationship, but they should be the exception, not the rule. God forbid that you should marry this man or have children with him. That would be the most appalling scenario imaginable and would damage not just you but also your DC. And in fact your BF because he is harmed by this behaviour also. But he is choosing this behaviour and it's his problem, not yours.

PLEASE do NOT waste any more time with this man. Get him gone and keep him gone. Be prepared for him to love bomb you and give you all kinds of promises about changing. Don't believe it. Abusers can be incredibly charming and persuasive – it's how they get away with their appalling behaviour and lure their partners back in. But he will start it all over again if you allow him back. He has been showing you his true self for nearly 3 years now and his true self is unacceptable. If he tries to harass you if you refuse to take him back or does anything which makes you afraid (and this man is, I'm sure, capable of that behaviour), call the police and/or talk to the National Centre for Domestic Violence about the possibility of getting a non-molestation order. Please also get as much RL support as you can to help you with this – hopefully you have family and/or friends who can support you through the process of getting this man out of your life. Because that's really what you need to do.

Do the Freedom programme. Read 'Women Who Love Too Much' by Robin Norwood. You might also find 'Why Does He Do That?' by Lundy Bancroft helpful. Avoid dating until you have much firmer boundaries and have massively raised the bar on the treatment that you are willing to accept in a relationship. It's quite simple really: if your partner makes you feel sad or bad, they are wrong for you.