He wants me to reanact what happened to me

[Apricotjam82]

A few weeks ago my partner and I went on a mini break We have a very volatile relationship where is can be emotionally abusive. He has been so lovely to me since Xmas but whilst we were there we rowed and he said he didn't love me, told me I was a silly little girl, refused to speak to me when o was trying to sort it out and asked for his key back (I'd told him of he asked for it back again it would be the last time). O did something really silly and I left. Tooly bag and went to find a new hotel. I called him to go back but he didn't answer. O found a hotel and then got really drunk and ended up going back to a blokes flat. Here I don't remember much other than I left there screaming; I ran partially clothed, no shoes and ran and ran. He did something to me that made me run. I don't know what. I ran around this town o didn't know with no much one until someone stopped and helped me and took me back to my hotel. I called my partner during this time over 40 times and left voicemails screamimg and asking for help. He answered none of them. The next morning he called and asked if I was still in the town and he'd give me a lift back. I told him o thought I'd been sexually assaulted. He replied I don't believe you, you went there and slept with someone else. He ended it. O don't know what happened to me, I literally remember nothing than going to that flat and leaving screamimg with no shoes on and no bottoms. My partner doesn't believe me as he said my jeans are too difficult to get off and he can't do it. He said hell consider taking me back, if I show what happened, I have to show him what I can remember physically and o have to wear the same top, underwear, jeans, everything. I said I can't face doing that. So he's blocked me, dropped all my belongings on my doorstep and that's it. It's over. I am just devastated I did this to him

Actually maybe the guy spiked you, for you to have that memory loss etc. Is that unusual if you're very drunk?

Poor you op. I hope you have some nice friends or family? Please find someone kind to spend time with and as others have said up above please contact rape crisis or local saafe group or even the police for advice about domestic violence organisations in your area. Sounds really messy and dangerous. You sound vulnerable, please speak to someone

Do you live together? (I'm hoping not, with the key discussion). Block him. Never speak to him, by any means, ever again. He's fucking sick; monstrous really. Don't allow such a vile person the right to have air space near you.

If you feel able to tell people what happened to you (I have never minded, but I know many people struggle to talk about these horrible situations), I'd tell every single person that he asked this of you. Both of these men are disgusting OP. I am so sorry that this has happened to you. Please do seek help and support for yourself .

You are like Tess of the D'Urbervilles, you have been the victim here and yet you feel guilty.

Maybe you have been in this relationship so long that your self-esteem is low or else other things have happened to you in this life but you need to get some therapy to help you to realise who are at fault here, and it is not you.

He is controlling, verbally and emotionally abusive.

How he's been about you being assaulted reflects on him, not you. xxxxx

Yes, a lucky escape- enjoy some peace in which to heal xxxxx

Your relationship is over OP. Even if you could prove what he wants you to prove, a man like that will never ever forgive you for going back another mans house.
He will never ever see why you did that, how his actions played a part in it. He will never accept that if he hadn't behaved in such a horrible way you would never have been out drinking with another man. EVER. He will bring it up at any opportunity, make out you need to make it up to him for the whole time you're with him, use it as an excuse to control you, use it as an excuse for his own bad behaviour, the list goes on and on. You would be signing yourself up for a lifetime of hell from this man if you try to get back with him. You might feel like that would be better than the way you're feeling now, but you need to realise that it won't!

You say the relationship is very volatile and he can be emotionally abusive, that much was very obvious from your post. That is NOT how relationships should be. You said he's been lovely to you since Xmas, but good times in volatile relationships are mainly so good because at that time they're not bad! It's the contrast, the relief. The notions that you conjure up in your head that even though sometimes it's so bad, you really must be so in love and passionate about each other because you still stay together. It's not real love. It's not a proper relationship!

They make you feel so shit and low that the only one who feels like they can make it better at the time is them...so when they're nice to you it feels amazing. That's why you get hooked on them.

There's a million other abusive men out there who will be able to give you the exact same feeling. It's not special. That's just how abuse works. Again, it's not real love and not a proper relationship.

Do you have anyone to talk to about what happened?

call this a very lucky escape OP

Wow I agree VERY lucky escape. He is not okay in the head.

He's a vile monster. Don't ever talk to him again. And get some support for your sexual assault ((((()))))

This whole situation is HIS fault. Sorry, but it is. If he loved you, cared for you or respected you, you would never have been put in this dangerous and desperate situation. You would never have left, never have gone to that mans hotel in the first place. Even before you got to this part of your story, your relationship sounded horrible and toxic. Stay gone, block him, don’t go back under any circumstances. You’ll never, ever be happy or okay with this man.

Well done for posting.
Well done for running screaming from the flat.
Well done for KNOWING this is all wrong.
Well done for being REVOLTED at the thought of 'proving it'
Well done for REJECTING the suggestion of this toxic abuser.

That is the real you, standing up for yourself and protecting yourself.

Have absolutely nothing to do with this wrong human being. Continue to protect yourself.

Block him and never ever speak to him again. He is a bad'un and he is now out of your life. He will cycle back to charm - don't fall for it. He is a bad man.

I am really sorry this happened to you.

You went off in the night because he told you he didn’t love you, called you a silly little girl and finished the relationship by asking for his key.

OP, you need to look after YOU. He will not and cannot look after you, he is an emotionally abusive arsehole only concerned about himself. He is making the fact that you got assaulted all about him.

And at the moment you are not looking after you either.

It’s going to be really hard but get help. Call Rape Crisis and talk through what happened.

Look at The Freedom Programme online.

Talk to your GP and se if you can get counselling so that you can find and build your self esteem.

You are worth it.

It doesn't matter what your abusive ex thinks. He is an abuser and you have now been abused by two different men in a short space of time. Please call your local rape crisis centre for help and do not contact your ex. Get help for yourself from people who know what they're doing and not from a man who wants to continue to abuse you.

Thank you for your replies. I'm in a such a mess. I feel like I can't cope. X

I think you would really benefit from some real life support if you can get it. You’ve been through a really traumatic set of experiences. You have been abused by your BF (you were right to leave the hotel) and then attacked by another man. Is there anyone you can talk to? Sorry if I’ve missed the information but have you reported the attack to the police or spoken to a rape support service?

Bin your BF - he’s sick and abusive and will just continue to harm you. This is not how good men behave. And there are millions of good men out there. You would not feel as dreadful and abandoned as you do now if he was behaving decently. You experienced a vicious attack and yet somehow it’s all about him. What a pathetic excuse of a human being. As PP have said, what you’re experiencing isn’t love. Love is not pain and agonised longing with occasional periods of ecstasy because your partner has decided to treat you nicely for a while. Love is calm, it’s sustaining and grounding and makes you feel secure and safe ALL the time.

Read Women Who Love Too Much to help you see how addictive abusive partners can be and how to break free from the pattern.

Keep posting here whenever you need support. The MN support network is here for you, too.

Keep talking to us, @Apricotjam82. We are on your side.

Tell us about yourself. What was your childhood like?

How did you meet this prince? What drew you? What was the first warning sign? How did you 'explain it away' to yourself?

What is his hold on you?

Talk to us. We are listening, we will take you seriously, we care.

"I'm in a such a mess. I feel like I can't cope. X"

NORMAL.

You have taken a step towards yourself. That is new, and frightening. We will be here for you xxx

He is not your partner.
He is an abuser.

Feeling like a mess is totally normal.
Be kind to yourself.
Break up with him forever, block him and get therapy.

I'm sorry op. You didn't deserve what happened to you abd any good person would believe you. I believe you.

Sadly, both men on your op are abusive and dreadful human beings. You just know one better. Please don't go back to one of your abusers. You are so much better off without him. Reach out to friends and family if you can, contact rape crisis, or woman's aid. You can get through this, time, talking and self care will see you through, though I understand it must feel so desolate right now, keep going. You can do this. Do not go back to him.

It takes an average of 7 times for someone to leave their abuser, male or female. You know deep down time with this man is unhealthy and wasted time, your head just needs time to catch up.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Get support and get out whilst you can.

You both sound an absolute mess. You need to stay apart and sort yourselves out. I'm really sorry about what happened to you. But honestly you shouldn't be getting so hammered that you can't remember what a stranger did to you. I'll get flamed for that I'm sure, but it's true.

@Dieu you will definitely get hammered for that, but I totally agree. Needs to address the drinking ASAP whilst also never getting back with the boyfriend. It was such risky behaviour getting so wasted whilst alone and distressed.

He's asking you to reenact what happened because 1. He's abusive and will get a sick 'kick' out of it and 2. Because you'd feel more ashamed than you (mistakenly) already do. He wants to wear you down further so you'll be more compliant to his 'wants' / 'needs'

Please PLEASE go and see your GP, health professional or someone you can trust, explain what is happening and get some help, but DO NOT engage with him, he'll turn it all around and blame you even further.

He wants an entire re-enactment so he can show YOU how exactly ALL of this is Your fault.... that is his only aim in all of this... to belittle you.. to shame you.. to dominate you with his wisdom.. to tear apart your confidence.. your soul and your very wellbeing... that is why he wants you to re-enact your sexual assault...

drop kick this Scumbag to the kerb like you know he deserves.. who the hell does he think he is... your OWNER?!

Thank you for your replies. Yes I do need to address my drinking.

He's asked me tell him everything and demonstrate what happened including wearing same clothes, underwear and shoes.

He's asking me because he thinks I slept with another man intentionally and doesn't believe he could of got my jeans off without my help (because he can't) so he's asking me to do it to prove either I'm a liar or telling the truth.