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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He wants me to reanact what happened to me

97 replies

Apricotjam82 · 24/02/2020 19:27

A few weeks ago my partner and I went on a mini break We have a very volatile relationship where is can be emotionally abusive. He has been so lovely to me since Xmas but whilst we were there we rowed and he said he didn't love me, told me I was a silly little girl, refused to speak to me when o was trying to sort it out and asked for his key back (I'd told him of he asked for it back again it would be the last time). O did something really silly and I left. Tooly bag and went to find a new hotel. I called him to go back but he didn't answer. O found a hotel and then got really drunk and ended up going back to a blokes flat. Here I don't remember much other than I left there screaming; I ran partially clothed, no shoes and ran and ran. He did something to me that made me run. I don't know what. I ran around this town o didn't know with no much one until someone stopped and helped me and took me back to my hotel. I called my partner during this time over 40 times and left voicemails screamimg and asking for help. He answered none of them. The next morning he called and asked if I was still in the town and he'd give me a lift back. I told him o thought I'd been sexually assaulted. He replied I don't believe you, you went there and slept with someone else. He ended it. O don't know what happened to me, I literally remember nothing than going to that flat and leaving screamimg with no shoes on and no bottoms. My partner doesn't believe me as he said my jeans are too difficult to get off and he can't do it. He said hell consider taking me back, if I show what happened, I have to show him what I can remember physically and o have to wear the same top, underwear, jeans, everything. I said I can't face doing that. So he's blocked me, dropped all my belongings on my doorstep and that's it. It's over. I am just devastated I did this to him

OP posts:

FuckPolitenessSSDGM · 24/02/2020 20:12

Don't lose any sleep over your ex. He's a creepy piece of shit. Never heard such a sickening response to someone saying they have been assaulted. Get well and truly rid of him and don't look back.

Sexykitten2005 · 24/02/2020 20:14

Please don’t do what he wants. He doesn’t care about you he certainly doesn’t love you. He just wants to remind you of a terrible ordeal and use it to control you. Ive never heard of anything so sick. Block him on everything and if you feel strong enough please get in contact with someone who can help you heal

Waterlemon · 24/02/2020 20:18

Did the other man have any connection to your partner? I do wonder!

Blocking you and dropping off your belongings is the best thing he could have done! Your free of this evil man.

My grandmother used to say that you need to work on relationships but relationships should not be hard work. Took me a long time to understand her point. But A “volatile” relationship where you admit your partner has been emotionally abusive, is a hard work relationship that doesn’t deserve your time and effort.

FortunatelyDark · 24/02/2020 20:18

Dump and block and report the assault. Hope you're ok

managedmis · 24/02/2020 20:19

What they ^ all said

katy1213 · 24/02/2020 20:22

Get rid of him. And then sort out your drink problem.

Ohyesiam · 24/02/2020 20:23

Op this is such a distressing thread. Please call Rape Crisis and get some support in so sort you have been through this.

Your ex is a psycho. He enjoys you suffering and wants to make you suffer more.
Stay well away from him.

Ginfordinner · 24/02/2020 20:28

Run away

VenusTiger · 24/02/2020 20:36

I am just devastated I did this to him
OP, did what to him?? Seriously, you've done NOTHING wrong to him. Please seek some help/guidance/advice from either police or GP about your ordeal if you feel you need to and do not talk to this "partner" ever again. Even if he did believe you, he is not worthy of you at all. He's abusive and clearly does not care a jot about you OP. He didn't call to see if you were okay/safe/found somewhere to stay - he didn't call to talk, because he's manipulative and he doesn't care about your wellbeing.
If you go back to him or try to contact him, you'll regret it all over again in years to come and you won't ever get that time back.
Do you have someone in RL you can speak to?

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 24/02/2020 20:36

He's a utter cunt for asking that of you.

And he has the cheek to act the wounded party.

IceColdCat · 24/02/2020 20:37

OP, that is honestly one of the worst things I've ever read on here. Please don't go back to him.

MummytoCSJH · 24/02/2020 20:38

What an awful sick man. Please walk away and don't look back. This is NOT your fault in anyway whatsoever and you have done nothing to him. Please remember you are worth so much more than you feel right now xx

LikeDuhWhatever · 24/02/2020 20:38

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GurlwiththeCurl · 24/02/2020 20:42

LikeDuhWhatever I have reported your nasty message!

tiredybear · 24/02/2020 20:44

OP, i am so very sorry that you had such a traumatic experience. I can't imagine how awful it must be not knowing exactly what happened.
Have you spoken to someone (decent) in real life about this? I think you really need to...friend, GP, counsellor...police? You could get CCTV footage from the hotel where you met to identify the man you left with...

The suspected assault aside, I can only echo what others have said about your EX, Stay away.

I can understand that he is hurt that you were potentially going to cheat on him but his reaction to the suspected assault is the biggest red flag i have ever seen. I can think of no good reason why he would want to subject you to reenacting it (and unfortunately many nasty reasons).

Sometimes we do things that seem to make no sense when actually it is our subconcious trying to help us...this seems like one of those times. run run run.

Sunshine1239 · 24/02/2020 20:50

It’s awful what happened to you

Him wanting you to reenact it is disgusting

In his mind though you were going to cheat on him - you said yourself you were willing in wanting to go back to this mans flat so I can understand him ending the relationship

His behaviour afterwards if awful though

Hope you get the support you need

LikeDuhWhatever · 24/02/2020 20:53

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Rosebel · 24/02/2020 21:04

I'm so sorry for what happened to you. Please be thankful that you have escaped from your abusive ex. The only reason he would want you to reanact what happened is because he wants to punish and humiliate you.
You have done nothing wrong. Do you have some friends or family you can confide in? Please consider getting some counselling, you have been through so much and deserve some support to get through this.

EnidBlyton · 24/02/2020 21:18

Please dont go back to him

stophuggingme · 24/02/2020 21:19

The man you met and did something to you that terrified you to make you run for you life is dreadful. Your ex, however, is in my mind lower than a snake’s belly for demanding that his return into your life is dependent upon you agreeing to revisit what another man did to you.

That is twisted.
He is a sick fuck

Report the assault and never have anything to do with that piece of shit that is nothing resembling a partner ever again.

Hope you are ok in time
You certainly stand a better chance without him in your life.

Eckhart · 24/02/2020 21:28

I think the very, very first step here is for you to understand that leaving with your bag and going to look for another hotel wasn't silly, it was wise. Something inside you told you to get away from him, and you need to learn to respect that part of yourself, and listen to it. It's the part of you that is trying to protect you from abuse. It is the voice of your boundaries.

I'm sure it's still speaking to you now - that's why you're posting here. Does it tell you that he's good for you? Does it tell you this is a relationship you should return to? Does it really tell you that you should feel bad for what you did to him?

tara66 · 24/02/2020 21:31

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Aryaneedle · 24/02/2020 21:33

You have been so emotionally abused to the point where you can not see how sick this is.

Stop all contact with this man - he's dangerous.
Stop drinking - it's too dangerous.
Get counselling from rape crisis and domestic abuse services - you are in danger from abuse.

You are not safe. You are very vulnerable and this is serious. You need a lot of help to recover. Use the professionals to help you do this.

picklemewalnuts · 24/02/2020 21:33

Sweetheart, imagine this the other way around. You and he had a silly row, he walked off, got drunk, was assaulted and running around the streets terrified.

How would you respond? You'd be horrified? Worried? Feel awful maybe for letting him go off in a row?

Or would you accuse him of making it up, of lying, and dump him?

He's not worth a moment of your time.

Please get some help and support, you've been assaulted.

GilbertMarkham · 24/02/2020 22:08

Putting aside the sexual assault or whatever actually happened for a second;

whilst we were there we rowed and he said he didn't love me, told me I was a silly little girl, refused to speak to me when o was trying to sort it out and asked for his key back (I'd told him of he asked for it back again it would be the last time). O did something really silly and I left. Tooly bag and went to find a new hotel. I called him to go back but he didn't answer.

So he acted like that and then repeatedly blamed you for "choosing" to be elsewhere (in this case drowning your sorrows in a hotel) rather than with him ..... Wtf?!

He acted in such a way that would cause pretty much anyone to leave (and not go back) ... And you actually try to go back, but he wouldn't answer your call ... And then blames them for not "choosing" to be be with him. Right.

Aside from that, his reaction to you being assaulted and traumatised after drowning your sorrows in the aftermath of your row (to be honest, it doesn't sound much like a row, more like abuse from him to you) is ... the opposite of kind, supportive or decent. And the re-enactment thing is weird and fucked up. Unlike some other posters I don't believe it's sone "him getting pleasure" thinvg, I think it's about him "proving" that he couldn't get your jeans/trousers off easily & on his own so that you must have taken them off/helped take them off .. thereby "proving" you cheated, rather than that you were assaulted. That's what he wants. So this has happened and all he's interested in is proving you cheated and slagging you off.

He is not a decent partner. You wouldn't even have been in the situation if he was.

The assault ... Do you have any way of identifying the guy? Do you want to report it?

It's never the victims fault but, as another poster said, please don't drink much again or as a way of dealing with upset esp. out in public without friends to watch your back .. because it makes women vulnerable to rapists. Maybe you've decided that already anyway.

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