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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What next?

52 replies

Crossroads19 · 24/02/2020 19:20

Dh and I have been having problems for a while. Things came to a head last year when I realised he was probably emotionally abusive and I admit I took a really big step back both physically and emotionally.

We have had a few counselling sessions but things haven't improved.

I have really tried over the last few weeks to build on our closeness but it hasn't been particularly welcomed. I feel he is trying to punish me into apologising for causing all of this distance, which usually I would have by now and frantically tried to fix things.

Today he has messaged to tell me that I have broken him, that I am like a stranger, a bipolar one at that, that he feels trapped as he can't leave our 2 DC's in case I bully them once he is gone and that I am abusive.
He has since blanked me when I got home, ate the meal I cooked and has taken himself upstairs whilst I deal with our dc.

I really don't know what to make of it.

I suggested we have an honest chat (I haven't actually told him our counsellor told me in a solo session that she believed I was in an ea relationship and to leave as I was afraid of his response) and he has refused. He often does this, says his piece and but won't let me say anything.
What the hell do I do now?

OP posts:
byefeliciabye · 24/02/2020 19:27

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. You've cleared tried to work on the relationship but you cannot flog a dead horse. This is no way to live. Emotional abuse is serious and your children will be picking up on it. How is he with them? I would see a lawyer and seriously consider a separation/divorce at this point. Thanks

byefeliciabye · 24/02/2020 19:27

*clearly

FinallyHere · 24/02/2020 19:30

ate the meal I cooked and has taken himself upstairs whilst I deal with our dc.

There is a surprise, that he cleared off and left you to it rather than spent time with his DC. When he tells you what you are doing wrong, listen carefully because he will be projecting and actually telling you what he is doing wrong.

I'm very sorry but you need a plan. If a councillor spots EA, it's good to pay attention. All the very best.

Original poster
Crossroads19 · 24/02/2020 19:38

Thanks for the responses.

I think you may be right. I can't fix this on my own. I sometimes wonder if he is trying to force my hand, so that he can blame me and not come off as the bad guy.
It's interesting what you say about projection. Since last year i have been pulling him up on some of his comments/behaviour towards me. He recently said that I am scrutinizing what he is saying to paint him as a bad person when that's not the case, I just wanted him to be aware of some of the hurtful things he says/does Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Crossroads19 · 25/02/2020 09:51

Shamelessly bumping for any other advice x

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 25/02/2020 10:53

What's your plan @Crossroads19 ?

Have you gathered evidence of his income and savings ? Have you informed yourself of how you each stand legally if you were to split up?

That's the sort of knowledge that would help you form a plan.

nowayhose · 25/02/2020 13:18

It sounds like you've managed, through counselling, to change the 'status quo' that your whole relationship was based on, and he's not happy about it......well too bloody bad for him !

I definitely think he is desperately trying to get you 'back in your box' and ramping up his behaving emotionally abusively towards you.

You obviously have 'woken up' with help from the counselling, and now you need to make plans for your and your DC future.

I'd ignore the attempts at ignoring you, but I'd also be stopping doing anything for him e.g cooking/ washing/ ironing/ shopping etc as pretending nothing is happening is NOT healthy, for any of you. What are your poor children thinking about it ? There's no way that his behaviour is not impacting on them.

Make a financial plan, get cash moved so he cannot access it, gather all important documents/passports/ bank statements etc. When you have your plan and have made your preparations, either tell him to leave/ change the locks when he's at work, or you and the kids leave and go and stay with family until divorce and financial settlement is done.

You CAN do it. I honestly think you HAVE to do it, both for you and for your DC.

Original poster
Crossroads19 · 25/02/2020 15:17

Thank you for your input. I think you are right on that he really isn't happy that I've seen his behaviour for what it is and is now desperate to place blame on me.

Our house is owned with a joint mortgage, neither of us has any cash. I think I could just about manage on my own but I don't think that he is going to go quietly and I have no idea how I would even start to tell him that it's over.

My kids will be heartbroken too as they adore him.
I can't quite believe that after all these years it's come to this.

OP posts:
mamato3lads · 25/02/2020 15:57

It's come to this because of his lack of input, lack of willingness to try and build up some of what you had. If he wont work with you or acknowledge the problem this is going to be a struggle.

Maybe have a "make or break" chat. If you think you want to save the relationship that is. Make him realise you're serious, gauge his response and take it from there.

This has to be a 2 way thing equally wanted on both sides x

mamato3lads · 25/02/2020 16:00

And please - dont be guilt tripped by your own mind regarding the DC. They will be absolutely fine. Kids adapt. It has been proven from here to eternity that kids are better off with happy, separated parents than living through the ordeal of parents in a bad marriage. They pick up on things, they feel the vibe in the house.

Original poster
Crossroads19 · 26/05/2020 10:52

Hello ladies,
I've posted a couple of times on here but am again in need of a handhold.
Things failed to improve with dh and reached a peak a couple of weeks ago.

He looked at a map app I used to log a walk based on nothing at all, accused me of having an affair. I told him I wasn't and that he shouldn't be examining my walk route in the way he had. This led to 5 days of ignoring me, other than to demand more answers and shout at me that I'm a liar and ended with him saying that he could catch me with someone and I would still lie because "that's the kind of person that you are". I have never cheated and have given him no reason to suspect it. I told him there and then that I couldn't live with someone with such a low opinion of me. This has been my main issue over the last 6 months since I realised that was the route of alot of issues.

I have since told him that we need to separate and am feeling awful Sad
I thought he might have apologised for how he had make me feel, or show me that he does in fact trust and respect me, but no.
I know I need to put my big girl pants on and just get on with things but it's so hard to know if I'm doing the right things.

Sorry for rambling. My head is a mess at the minute. Well done you got to the end.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crossroads19 · 26/05/2020 14:48

Anyone been through something similar? So worried I've made the wrong decision Sad

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getdownonit · 26/05/2020 15:08

Did you do anymore counselling with him after your first session? Tbh, the counselled thought it was an emotionally abusive relationship at that stage and I think he's just shown you again that it is.
No, I don't think you've made the wrong decision from what you've written here.

hellsbellsmelons · 26/05/2020 15:14

Projection OP - he's judging you by his own standards.
I would bet money he has cheated on you.
Can you get another phone session on your own with your counsellor?
You have NOT made the wrong decision.
He is still abusing you.
Constantly.
Stop accepting this shitty man and his abusive behaviour and get yourself out as quickly as is possible.

Original poster
Crossroads19 · 26/05/2020 16:41

We did 3 joint sessions and 1 individual each and I had a further individual session.

She told me he used his entire session telling her exactly what was wrong with me Hmm
I've emailed her today to see if I can arrange a session for me.

I'm really angry with him bit just don't have the strength to tell him as it seems so pointless. I can't believe that after all this time, he just doesn't care Sad

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 26/05/2020 16:44

Well she shouldn't have allowed him to do that! That's not the point of counselling.

Original poster
Crossroads19 · 26/05/2020 16:57

We only had one joint session after that as he told me I was the one with the problem, not him.

He hadn't wanted to go in the first place but i insisted at the time.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 26/05/2020 17:09

Yes, you were the one with the problem because you were with him. He didn't have a problem because he was with you!

Original poster
Crossroads19 · 26/05/2020 17:27

Haha thanks Hollow.

I just don't know what to do with myself now that I've actually said we should split.

He is barely speaking to me which makes it really difficult. I can't have a conversation with him. He just says his bit and leaves. I did say that he needs to think about what a split looks like to him but he hasn't broached the subject at all.

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redastherose · 26/05/2020 17:43

You can't reason with the unreasonable! You know that you need to split up, please don't make the mistake in thinking that he will apologise or accept that you are right or that things will change. I wasted way too many years of my life thinking that I was the one who was wrong, that if I could just be the person he wanted me to be everything would be ok. It just isn't true. I could never be the person that he wanted because that person changed so no matter what I did it was wrong. It was a constantly moving set of conditions so no matter what I did it was wrong.

WinterAndRoughWeather · 26/05/2020 17:51

Why wait for him to broach the subject? Get a divorce lawyer and crack on.

Original poster
Crossroads19 · 26/05/2020 17:53

It's just so hard to accept after such a long time together. Knowing that my dc's won't have the family unit they deserved, or that I have worked so hard for.

Do you think these men know they're doing it?
I know what you mean about moving the goalposts. When I look back, he has always ridiculed me for something, or made me feel bad about something, nothing is ever good enough.

I must admit, it's the silent treatment which is the main thing I can no longer handle. It's awful.

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ThePathToHealing · 26/05/2020 17:53

I really feel for you. I was in this place when I tried to leave. Definitely follow up on individual counseling if you can, it taught me so many skills that allowed me to leave.

In the end I gave up and moved out. I placated him the entire time, that he deserved someone better but inside a resentment and anger was growing because I knew that wasn't true.

I stopped engaging with him because all it ever did was give him more ammunition to hit me with. If I was emotionally invested in a conversation he would find a way to hurt me.

He cares, just not about you or your feelings. He cares about having someone (anyone) to use and abuse.

You are a good person and not the version that he paints of you. I really can't recommend individual counseling enough.

Original poster
Crossroads19 · 26/05/2020 17:54

I'm not brave enough for that just yet. We haven't even managed a conversation about him moving out Blush

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Original poster
Crossroads19 · 26/05/2020 17:57

Thank you the path. Are you out now?
It took me so long to see it, it's been a very difficult process to get to this point.
I feel like he doesn't care about losing me, or to some extent his kids. I think he is bothered about losing his cook, cleaner, childminder and person who generally facilitates his life meaning that he can crack on with thinking about nobody other than himself with limited damage to those around him.

OP posts: