What next?

[Crossroads19]

Dh and I have been having problems for a while. Things came to a head last year when I realised he was probably emotionally abusive and I admit I took a really big step back both physically and emotionally.

We have had a few counselling sessions but things haven't improved.

I have really tried over the last few weeks to build on our closeness but it hasn't been particularly welcomed. I feel he is trying to punish me into apologising for causing all of this distance, which usually I would have by now and frantically tried to fix things.

Today he has messaged to tell me that I have broken him, that I am like a stranger, a bipolar one at that, that he feels trapped as he can't leave our 2 DC's in case I bully them once he is gone and that I am abusive.
He has since blanked me when I got home, ate the meal I cooked and has taken himself upstairs whilst I deal with our dc.

I really don't know what to make of it.

I suggested we have an honest chat (I haven't actually told him our counsellor told me in a solo session that she believed I was in an ea relationship and to leave as I was afraid of his response) and he has refused. He often does this, says his piece and but won't let me say anything.
What the hell do I do now?

Family units don’t have to mean daddy and mummy and children all living under the same roof. Families come in all shapes and sizes, and the one your kids (and you) deserve is one without an abusive man treating you like shit every day.

Knowing that my dc's won't have the family unit they deserved
But they will have that.
Without an appalling male role model!
Surely you can see that??
If not then really think about what you are showing them is an acceptable relationship!
They will model this in their own future relationships.
Would you want this relationship for them?
Nope - thought not.
It's not good enough for them so it's not good enough for you.

Thank you. That is one of the main reasons I've ended things. I told him that I wouldn't want this for them. They deserve better and so do we. It's just so sad. My heart is broken.

You're letting him call the shots still and treat you like crap in your own home whilst ignoring you. In your situation I would message him and say 'I know you're ignoring me but I am desperately unhappy and wont be treated like this. We need to separate and talk about living arrangements and contact with the DC'. Ignoring you is just a delay tactic but you don't need his permission to separate. Stop cooking and cleaning for him. He can sort himself out as he will have to when he moves out. I think it's great to reach out to the therapist. Have you got anyone IRL you can speak to? Do friends and family know what's going on?

Your dc will have the family unit they deserve once you extricate yourself from this current broken one.
Don't waver OP

I’m so sorry you’re going through this - but you’ve done the hardest part now, which is to recognise that it’s abuse. Keep that in mind whatever you do. You can’t fix an abuser and you shouldn’t be going to joint counselling with one, as you’ve found out!

I agree with others. Accusing you of having an affair on literally no evidence just smacks of projection to me. Listen very carefully to the things he says about you, because that is 100% him. And he knows it. And feels deep shame about it somewhere inside. So he masks that by projecting it onto you and bullying you so that he can convince himself he’s not the broken little boy, he’s a big man.

But you can’t fix that. Only he can, if he ever recognises his own failings. Please don’t try to engage with him over this, it will end up with you feeling even more dismissed and crazy as he twists and turns it all around onto you again.

For your own sanity (and that of your DCs) start to plan your new life without tip toeing around this nasty man.

blackcat is right, and I think someone else suggested similar in a recent thread too.

Don’t wait for him to start the conversation, just start being separated. Start living separate lives, as if he’s not living there. Don’t cook for him, don’t do his laundry.

If he still gives you the silent treatment and pretends it’s not happening, you’ll either have to take a deep breath and lay it all on the line:

• we’re separated, you need to move out, let’s sit down and work out finances and the kids

OR get a divorce lawyer and force the issue.

It’s all shit and scary, but the longer you put it off, the scarier it will seem. How long do you want to be miserable?

He's just came home and set me off on a wobble again. He has hot into is head that on my daily walk out I am on the phone to another man. I'm not, I'm just escaping the tension at home. As I was heading out a couple of days ago (before split) he said "off to make your call" in front of the children.
Now he has just looked at me and said "you will be due out soon won't you?". That's the only time he has spoken to me today and it makes me feel like shit and that I shouldn't be going out or maybe I am reading too much into it. I don't know anymore.

Huh. Sounds like he’s waiting for you to go out so that he can make a call himself. He’s broken his silence because he wants something - you to go out.

Honestly as pp said it sounds like pure projection.

It doesn't matter what he thinks you're doing! Take control and get out or get him out.
For what it's worth my brother and I had a family unit of him, mum and myself and it was a happy, stable, solid family unit. Two parents really aren't necessary especially when one of them is an absolute twat, like your husband and my dad.

Stop allowing him to ride rough-shod over your feelings OP.
It's really hard but you need to detach.
'Yep, I'm off out in 10 minutes. I'll leave my phone here if you like!'
Unless of course you do make some calls to family and friends, in which case just say 'Yep, can't wait. OfF in 10 minutes, see you later'
You are 'allowing' him to make you feel shit.
His tactic is working. Stop letting that happen.
Be bright and breezy and don't let him see he is getting to you.
You can't turn off your feelings but don't let him know it's working on you!!!
DETACH DETACH DETACH!!!

Maybe it is. I raised with him weeks ago about the lack of affection, even when I was making a real effort to get things going again and he just said he knew he didn't reciprocate and he knew it wasn't right.

If there is an ow, hopefully he will leave without too much of a fight

Thanks for the advice ladies. I went and had a lovely walk in peace and quiet

How was it last night?

Hopefully you are ignoring his stonewalling?

It was ok thanks. We didn't spend any time in the same room which seems to work best.

I do find myself trying to cheer him up abit and lighten the mood, particularly in front of the children. It's hard to break the habit of a lifetime.

Sorry you are going through this, I was in a similar situation and realised that he was projecting onto me so I would look like the bad person leaving when he made it unliveable. Has he always given the silent treatment and 'kept you on your toes' causing anxiety when you have a disagreement or is this a more recent thing?

Yeah that's what I feel he's done so he can blame me and see himself as the wronged party.
He has always done it but up until 8 months ago I would have bent over backwards to prove myself, that I am nice and good and can do all the things he needs.
I stopped doing that when I realised he was doing it to punish me. As a result these periods of sulking have gotten longer and longer until I break when I can't take it anymore. I think it's safe to say it well and truly broke me this time!
Did your ex ever take ownership of what he had done?

Whether or not he takes ownership of it is his problem, not yours OP. It’s for him to reconcile with his conscience.

You can only control your own responses and take responsibility for your own behaviour and conscience.

You're right Winter. I need to stop trying to work out what he thinks/feels and concentrate on myself and the kids.

I was thinking about it earlier and how strange it's going to be to be "allowed" to do things without worrying about his feelings on it. Not panicking that I've take too long to do the food shop and not getting 20 questions about where I've been and made to feel unreasonable all the time.

Just need to get few these next few months which will undoubtedly be utterly shit.

No he never took ownership and I tried so hard to get him to listen, to understand but then I realised he wouldn't and had no interest in it as it was a power play at hand. The silent treatment, never being good enough, not listening or acknowledging. They don't want to have to be held accountable or responsible and instead deflect it on their partners.

I just cannot understand it. Part of me wanted him to at least try and save us, to recognise that he has a part to play, that his behaviour and words hurt and make an effort to fix it. He has done nothing. It has really made me wonder if he loved me at all
He has now suggested that me and my children move out as he can't get stuck in a cycle of renting and I would get help as I have the kids. His selfishness is astounding.

I have been there op, the waiting and hope that he will realise, show he cares, to take ownership. I don't know why they act like this, do they not realise what is at stake and the family unit they will lose or do they not care enough. I don't have answers for you just sympathy as I can hear the pain in your post.

Can I ask what happened in your situation? Did you leave?
I feel like he doesn't care about us at all. It is a horrible feeling. I don't know how I'm going to get through this. I can't even look at him after suggested me and the dc leave and he keep our family home. The home that he has to be forced to be a part of and begged to help maintain. It would be laughable if it wasn't so sad. I knew he was selfish, but that really has knocked the wind out of me.

I've arranged get some legal advice on tuesday.

I left him a few years ago. After a few incidents where he literally knocked the wind out of me with how he behaved I came to the end of the crossroads. Its hard to accept when someone acts in a way you never would and I spent hours poring the Internet trying to make sense of why he was acting in such a way-silent treatment/stonewalling/gaslighting etc. I still get bewildered by it but ultimately realised he was never going to change to the extent he needed to.

That sounds so similar. After the latest incident i just thought, i can't live like this forever.

I can't make sense of him. I don't think I will ever understand him and I have realised that it will never change. He just doesn't have it in him and it's so sad that his inability to reflect on himself is what has ultimately ended our marriage and family unit.

I said before this happened that I thought he would move on quickly, but I am so shocked by how he has emotionally detached from us. It's frightening.