Long difficult marriage taken down turn

[scared2020]

I have a thread in 30 days only which will end soon.
I want to separate this year from DH. We've been married 30 years.
He has been putting me down and blaming me for things for years resulting in me losing confidence in myself and self doubt.
He can be belligerent and dominating, bullying manner , selfish, wanting his own way about things, overly insistent about things and doesn't see your point of view. He makes a lot of jokes at my expense. He rants at the tv. It feels like any conversation and decision is a battle as he is the opposite of a team player and makes my life so difficult.
A couple of years ago he was diagnosed with a life threatening brain condition which was then treated. We thought this explained his worsening behaviour and things seemed to settle down following recovery. He's now back in a top job performing fine and has been discharged medically.
Three weeks ago there was an unpleasant incident when he was shouting and swearing at me in a very aggressive manner , kicked things around the house and threw some of my things outside late at night including a brand new pair of shoes. I was scared and intimidated. He is unrepentant and doesn't care or want to apologise.
Now it's hard to tolerate the situation and I feel very anxious coming home even though he is behaving normally now. I'm so anxious and also feel low.
He is very manipulative and has previously point blank refused to move out and is likely to try to turn the children against me which is why I've stuck it out as he is so dominating he presents himself as top dog.
I want to separate now (though prior to this episode I thought things were reasonably ok in terms of stable not happy.) and as my youngest goes to uni this year this seems feasible.
He will be awful about finances and the house ( which I renovated) and it's so hard to talk to him as he just gets angry.
Please advise or just help or support me as I try to tolerate the time left and make changes.

Brrr I don't like tempers- and the throwing stuff etc must've been frightening.

Am here to help and support. You can do it! xxx

Just sending OP. Sounds like an excellent decision to get this unpleasant & abusive man out of your life. Have a look at the Freedom Programme, or contact Women's Aid to get support from people who will really understand your situation and know how to help you. Any family or friends you can confide in? Speaking it out loud will help affirm your decision and, hopefully, give you strength. Good luck.

Sounds just like my F. Incredible.

A very tricky situation which I am unsure on how to give the best advice. The big issue you have is not really separating par se but the fact you have a child who will be sitting major exams this summer. Unless your child has in a gap year. In which case, you leave him immediately.

This kind of tyrant usually wont go thermonuclear. They will just keep on repeating these kinds of episodic behaviours. That's horrific but equally and this is the very important point, he needs you more than you need him. He would collapse without you.

You have lived a horrific life. Do you have savings?

Or a separate bank account? You need to be squirrelling away money.

I contacted women's aid and had a chat. They advised me to speak with him which I did. He felt the incident was my fault ( read other thread) not his. And that my behaviour was at fault not his.

Thankyou Nomore much appreciated.
I'm so frustrated tonight. My tolerance level has gone down since this incident.

Can you speak to your DC and explain how difficult he’s become and that you’re afraid.

Stop talking to him . He’s never going to agree with your viewpoint or say that is reasonable for you to leave. You are wasting your breath.

Get all your paperwork together.

Speak to a solicitor to find out your legal rights.

Make plans for leaving the marriage. Discuss with trusted friends and family.

Once the time is right and you have the whole plan in place, Leave. I’m assuming that’s after your DC sits her A levels?

What you need now is action and not talk.

In the meantime, go grey rock with him.

OP if he insists his abusive behaviour is your fault he is gaslighting you.

The relationship you described sounds horrible, it will ground you down to zero self esteem left.

I'd see a solicitor asap to get an understanding of your financial situation in case of divorce, just so you are dealing with facts not fears regarding house/money etc.

also you know your children best - do you really think he can turn them against you? it might feel to you as if he has the the ultimate power, but this might be a result of him gaslighting you, instead of him having this power really.

LTB

I contacted women's aid and had a chat. They advised me to speak with him which I did. He felt the incident was my fault ( read other thread) not his. And that my behaviour was at fault not his

That's fucking bullshit advice. They have made it even worse for you.

Lovely, you CANNOT EVER make an abuser see sense. Ever. So you got lies, blame shifting, guilt trips, gaslight-lighting? Increasing your pain and anguish. Again.

Sadly, this is what I have experienced when I have alerted all the authorities, all of them to my psychopathic rapist of an ex-H.

One more bit of advice, do not confide in your children concerning how bad it is. It's not fair to put that on them.

Yes I'm finding it harder to keep on an even keel with my responses tonight. Usually Im fine but things are getting to me more.
I need to reassure ds tomorrow am as I think he noticed I was getting tetchy and intolerant to DH presence and comments .
Weekends are hardest

@renarde
They are adult DC, they can support their DM

Thank you fir replies. I was trying to have a quiet chat about the week ahead with ds in my room last night and DH was coming in and still doing pointed ' wind up' ' jokes' . He has to paint me in a bad light in every comment.,So annoying. Ended up accidentally losing my OP and going to sleep late.

Your username is very telling. I too left an abuse marriage but it took careful planning.

Once I had made the decision, I resolved to keep my cool and not let on about my plans. You will need money, somewhere to live, and all your personal papers and valued possessions.

Start gathering these things and take them to a safe place. Perhaps a friend's house or a trusted family member.

You will also need evidence of your joint financial picture. Mortgage, savings, pensions, investments, life insurances, assets etc. Make copies of everything.

Your youngest will be finished with exams by around May/June. Can you keep your powder dry for the next 3 months while you plan your exit?

Make some lawyer appointments and find out your options. If you do end up divorcing, your husband will not be able to appoint any solicitor that you have already approached.

There are several women here on MN who have posted in real time about leaving their abusive marriages. One is called "jamaisjedors" and she has been amazing. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3786349-Divorcing-sulking-H-will-it-happen-in-2020

Also "RoxanneMonke" who is dealing with a cheating husband - absolute dick head by the sounds of it.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3798400-Cheating-Husband-2

Both are inspirational and show just how strong the MN community is in supporting women who stand up and say enough is enough.

Does sound like odd advice from Women’s Aid in this case.

If you’re feeling scared in your own home, given how he is behaving you may be able to obtain a non-molestation order. If this is granted, he would be required to keep a certain distance from you and the family home for a certain period of time.

If you call the National Centre for Domestic Violence, they can talk you through the process and you can decide whether or not this may be of interest to you.

Yes I've stayed this long I can stay till all sorted. But the recent incident had made me really anxious unfortunately in direct and indirect ways.
So today I'm in my car outside my workplace feeling very anxious about going into work. I know Ill go in but I feel so anxious it's like a relapse.

Get all your paperwork together
Make an appointment with a solicitor and start the divorce proceedings

No point in spending the rest of your life being unhappy

Put yourself first

Your husband is never going to change

I rang something like women's aid penny appeal ? ? Will have to check later.
Maybe I didn't call correct line??

www.womensaid.org.uk

If you are frightened of your husband you should report his behaviour to the police. He will no doubt be minimising his behaviour and making out that it's all your fault. The police know all about this kind of abuse. It used to be ignored, but it is now a criminal offence and well-recognised by police.

It is NOT OKAY for you to feel scared and intimidated in your own home.

I can relate to your posts had a very similar situation. I left because of how he was trying to turn the children against me.I also developed anxiety and changed as a person as was constantly on flight or fight mode.

It was one incident where I knew in my gut that I no longer felt safe, physically I knew he would not touch me due to the implications for him but he was incredibly intimidating.

Do you know about the finances? Looking back I should have planned quietly to leave as I thought we could be amciable..laughable now given his behaviour pre separation.

There is no actual helpline fir WA that I can see.
I think I called Domestic abuse Penny appeal last time

Didn't think it sounded like anything WA would say.
0808 2000 247
They also now have a Web chat service which you can access from their home page.

Also if you Google "women's aid Nottinghamshire" or wherever you are, you'll get the contact number for the local branch.

I'm feeling really bad. It's as if this hallway incident has caused me to decompensate.
Feel like the whole house of cards will come tumbling down.

Try to hang on in there. You might want to get a GP appointment as you will no doubt be under a huge amount of stress. Long-term abusive relationships a similar to living in a war zone, with the resulting post traumatic stress. You are still in that zone.

Take care of yourself, be gentle with yourself, and take this one step at a time.