Long difficult marriage taken down turn

[scared2020]

I have a thread in 30 days only which will end soon.
I want to separate this year from DH. We've been married 30 years.
He has been putting me down and blaming me for things for years resulting in me losing confidence in myself and self doubt.
He can be belligerent and dominating, bullying manner , selfish, wanting his own way about things, overly insistent about things and doesn't see your point of view. He makes a lot of jokes at my expense. He rants at the tv. It feels like any conversation and decision is a battle as he is the opposite of a team player and makes my life so difficult.
A couple of years ago he was diagnosed with a life threatening brain condition which was then treated. We thought this explained his worsening behaviour and things seemed to settle down following recovery. He's now back in a top job performing fine and has been discharged medically.
Three weeks ago there was an unpleasant incident when he was shouting and swearing at me in a very aggressive manner , kicked things around the house and threw some of my things outside late at night including a brand new pair of shoes. I was scared and intimidated. He is unrepentant and doesn't care or want to apologise.
Now it's hard to tolerate the situation and I feel very anxious coming home even though he is behaving normally now. I'm so anxious and also feel low.
He is very manipulative and has previously point blank refused to move out and is likely to try to turn the children against me which is why I've stuck it out as he is so dominating he presents himself as top dog.
I want to separate now (though prior to this episode I thought things were reasonably ok in terms of stable not happy.) and as my youngest goes to uni this year this seems feasible.
He will be awful about finances and the house ( which I renovated) and it's so hard to talk to him as he just gets angry.
Please advise or just help or support me as I try to tolerate the time left and make changes.

Sounds awful, contact all the good family law solicitors nearby and get a quote and try to get recommendations. You need to fight tooth and nail so you get a decent settlement. Good luck op

Yes, you need to reach out for help and support. You have been carrying this burden alone for too long.

Don’t be put off if the first person/ agency you ask isn’t helpful, sometimes it takes a few attempts.

Try

your GP
Friend/ colleague who is trustworthy and you know will be supportive
Your family ( not his, however close you are )
Neighbour

You need someone in RL as well as MN.

Have tried WA several times but no reply. Probably because Im calling at peak time after work.
He's being normal now but Im wondering if this recent event has upset my system and now I'm just not feeling good at all when other stresses are coming in.

Im wondering if this recent event has upset my system and now I'm just not feeling good at all when other stresses are coming in

I suspect it’s that once you have taken off your rose tinted glasses and seen clearly, it’s hard to put them back on.

Oh dear think my other thread is swiped.
Thought it had also moved to relationships. Sugar

Do you have separate finances?

Children?

I've messaged MN re thread but perhaps it just goes automatically.

He's being normal now but Im wondering if this recent event has upset my system and now I'm just not feeling good at all when other stresses are coming in

This is very common, the cycle of abuse. I has a Jekyll & Hyde character and I never knew who he would be. As a result I was in fight or flight responses which causes your adrenal glands to go into overdrive. It is a heightened sense of anxiety and I could barely cope if there were additional stresses.

A divorce is the way forward. Plan it secretly. Tell family so you have support. Her a solicitor who understands abuse.

How old are the children? I left because I could see he was trying to turn the children against me. The relief I felt once he moved out was massive. The divorce however was horrible as these men look to punish and win but you will get through it and there is light at the end of the divorce process.

Be it right or wrong I have waited a long time fir similar and other reasons. Youngest leaving home later this year for uni

Ok things but good as it gets closer to Monday. My original thread has now gone but I had an episode of workplace bullying last week and now I'm dreading going in.
How unfair is it that my H behaves badly and I suffer?

Am so upset my thread has gone

Hi, @scared2020 - we're just bobbing on here to say that we've replied to your mail about your missing thread. Hopefully you've got that now. Give us a shout and we'll do our best to help.

Hi can't see e mail as yet.

@scared2020 are you ok?

Pointless arguing with him about who's fault it is. Just get out of the relationship. He's clearly abusive.

So sorry to hear what you are going through OP . I second a non-molestation order if available. You'll need legal advice. I applied for one after an aggressive incident and I'd called the police, and my ex had to sign undertaking to stay away from family home while divorce went through. It was and is still difficult but it's given me time to get some things sorted.

Agree with visit to GP to make them aware, and local Women's Aid for support. Tell a friend or family too, if you can. You need all the support you can get for this. And you're definitely doing the right thing, he won't change.