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Original poster

Reciprocal intimacy

52 replies

Devonliving · 22/02/2020 21:07

We've been together for nine months, things are great. We have clicked in a way I never have with anyone else.

We have an active sex life, and I very much enjoy our love making. I do the "work" in our sex life, the touching, kissing, the giving, which as I said I'm generally absolutely fine with, the thing is, my partner has never kissed me anywhere other than on my mouth, no neck kissing, no kissing on the chest or anywhere else... Our love making almost always includes me kissing my partner's neck, chest and all over their body, including their fill of oral, which they appear to enjoy, but they haven't reciprocated yet... I'm generally happy with that, I don't want my partner to do anything they are uncomfortable with or anything that doesn't come naturally and lovingly, and I'm certainly not desperate to receive everytime we are intimate, but it's starting to feel strange that they seem to enjoy receiving, but have never kissed me anywhere other than my mouth and have never reciprocated what they them self seem to enjoy in over nine months...

I know I should probably talk to them about it, but I don't want them to feel any pressure or for them to do it because I have asked.

OP posts:
DrMorbius · 22/02/2020 21:14

Why the weird non binary descriptions

Bringmewineandcake · 22/02/2020 21:17

You need to talk to them...and depending on their answer you can decide if this is how you want your sex life to be forever.
They might be shy, it might not occur to them to kiss you somewhere other than your mouth, they might not like giving oral...
But until you ask you'll never know.

PicsInRed · 22/02/2020 21:21

They can say no to anything, sexually, they don't want to do and in turn you aren't required to remain in a relationship which does not meet your needs.

HarryElephante · 22/02/2020 21:24

Why the weird non binary descriptions

Yeah, this.

But, if it's an issue, have a chat. If it's not, what's the problem?

NightsOfCabiria · 22/02/2020 21:25

So what do ‘they’ do while you’re performing? Just lie back and say nothing? Make appreciative noises? Ask for more? Make suggestions? Are they purely mute throughout the act?

Is this a characteristic throughout other elements of your relationship? Do they plan surprises for you or show they care in other ways (make food for you? Buy gifts etc..)

RUSU92 · 22/02/2020 21:33

Nine months and you’ve never asked your partner to kiss you anywhere other than your mouth? What do you want us to say?! Just talk to them FFS. If you’re close enough to give oral sex, surely you’re close enough to say, “hey I’d really like it if you kissed my gender non specific body too, how would you feel about doing xyz?”
If you can’t talk to each other about it, you probably shouldn’t be doing it tbh. How old are you both?

NightsOfCabiria · 22/02/2020 21:39

I wouldnt call what you’ve described as “ clicking in a way I never have with anyone else” either, if you’re not able to have mutually fulfilling sex or discuss it with one another.

Original poster
Devonliving · 22/02/2020 22:53

Thanks for the constructive comments (and the couple of condescending ones too)...

Not sure why it's weird to not imply either my partner's gender or my own, is that important to the question? If it matters we are a heterosexual couple, and if our age/experience matters, we've both been married before...

I didn't say the sex wasn't mutually fulfilling, I said "I very much enjoy our love making" and I didn't say I was unable to talk to my partner about it, I said I didn't want them to do anything they didn't want to or anything that didn't come naturally or lovingly, or make them feel pushed into doing it.

When I said we've "clicked in a way I never have with anyone else" I meant in the myriad of other things that make up a relationahip, rather than the very small part of a relationship that is receiving oral sex.

I just wanted to get other's opinion on the situation, so thank you for those who have replied Smile

OP posts:
Fantasiaa · 22/02/2020 23:04

I very much enjoy our love making.
Bleughhh

PicsInRed · 22/02/2020 23:07

OP, I think most of us guessed that you're male and want to convince your female partner to perform acts she isn't comfortable with.

She has the right to say no and you have the right to end it. Those are the rights. The rest comes down to willingness.

PicsInRed · 22/02/2020 23:07

Which she isn't.

MimiLaRue · 22/02/2020 23:10

I'm sorry but I side eye any partner who enjoys receiving lots of oral sex but never offers to reciprocate. Why? isn't that a little bit (or a lot) selfish? Even if, lets say, they dont enjoy it- that really should be communicated to you, otherwise it just comes across as sexually selfish and that they only care about their own pleasure. Personally, I would find that a huge turn off.

You need to have a talk with them about this- I know you said you dont want them to feel uncomfortable but so far, they appear to expect you to give them oral without a prior discussion havent they?so why is this ok for you but not for them? its odd they havent mentioned it at all in my opinion yet still happily receive all this time. I would have to say something, it seems like you are doing all the work in bed and a lazy sexual partner is hugely off-putting.

BobbyBlueCat · 22/02/2020 23:14

If you can't talk to your partner about issues like this, you shouldn't be having sex with them full stop.

You say you CAN talk to them about it. So do it!

NightsOfCabiria · 22/02/2020 23:33

OK, so it seems as if your girlfriend of nine months just isnt that into you physically, emotionally or sexually. Only you know whether the relationship is worth pursuing or not but bear in mind that this is the honeymoon period - the bit where you cant keep your hands off each other normally.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 22/02/2020 23:34

"I would really like you to go down on me."

Just say it.

This is 2020 and oral really comes as standard now. If s/he has some problem with giving oral then they should have been upfront about it from the start.

Russellbrandshair · 22/02/2020 23:37

This is 2020 and oral really comes as standard now. If s/he has some problem with giving oral then they should have been upfront about it from the start

Agree. Oral is a very standard part of sex, if they aren’t comfortable with it that’s absolutely fine but they should have told you this at the beginning. It’s not out of order to want to receive oral- especially if you give it regularly to them!

Divebar · 22/02/2020 23:39

I wouldn’t have a relationship with someone who wasn’t an active participant in sex - I think oral sex is a pretty central part of that for me.

Dery · 22/02/2020 23:40

Something about your posts makes me worry for you a bit: you say you do the ‘work’ in your sex life and you talk about not wanting your partner to do anything they are uncomfortable with as if kissing your neck and chest could be something that they might reasonably be uncomfortable with. Surely if they can’t even manage that, then something is rather amiss.

You haven’t identified your gender. If you’re male, it may be because your female partner doesn’t realise that those are erogenous zones for you - they aren’t for my DH (he has actively discouraged that kind of nuzzling) and, after a few decades together, in the unlikely event I am ever intimate with another man, it probably wouldn’t even occur to me to kiss him there unless instructed to.

It isn’t unreasonable or pressuring to share that you would like your partner to do this and indeed it is a problem if you can’t have this kind of communication in your relationship. But it sounds like you should be able to given how well your relationship seems to be going otherwise.

Good luck with your discussion.

crimsonlake · 22/02/2020 23:43

This does indeed sound very sexually one side and I do not think you do enjoy your lovemaking else you would not be posting for advice on here.

Somerville · 22/02/2020 23:44

This is 2020 and enthusiastic consent is the absolute be all and end all.

Fixed that for you EvenMoreFuriousVexation. You’re welcome.

OP, it’s impossible to give advice with your respective sex classes left out. The biology has a bearing.

NoMoreDickheads · 22/02/2020 23:53

@Dery OP is just using the other stuff as a euphemistic/dressed up way of saying he wants his girlfriend to suck his c*ck.

I suppose some people just don't like doing it, and that has to be accepted in general, that not everyone will want to do it. I don't like receiving oral.

But she maybe could've said something about it. A lot of people are uncomfortable talking about sex though.

OP- is she willing to give hand jobs? I know hardly any woman can do that as well as a bloke can do it for themselves.

Russellbrandshair · 22/02/2020 23:53

enthusiastic consent is the absolute be all and end all

No one said consent wasn’t important. But it’s not unreasonable to have a talk about it is it? If you’re giving someone oral all the time and they never reciprocate it’s perfectly reasonable to ask why? If you’re having intimate sex with someone yet can’t talk to them then something is very wrong

Opentooffers · 22/02/2020 23:58

I ended up giving more than recieving once, I just stopped giving. Last BF was fab at it- I'll miss that 😔, he got plenty in return though😉. Kinda think sex should be equally satisfying or what's the point🤷

Somerville · 23/02/2020 00:12

No one said consent wasn’t important. But it’s not unreasonable to have a talk about it is it? If you’re giving someone oral all the time and they never reciprocate it’s perfectly reasonable to ask why?

No-one said it was unreasonable to ask why - in my experience the closest intimacy comes when everything can be discussed and both people can open up. But starting the discussion with the words you endorsed “it’s 2020 and oral comes as standard” would be pressuring and not respectful of enthusiastic consent. It’s bollocks anyway. Some people don’t like oral and that’s fine. And nothing “comes as standard” in the context of another humans body.

Russellbrandshair · 23/02/2020 00:20

Kinda think sex should be equally satisfying or what's the point

Exactly!

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