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Relationships

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Original poster

Reciprocal intimacy

52 replies

Devonliving · 22/02/2020 21:07

We've been together for nine months, things are great. We have clicked in a way I never have with anyone else.

We have an active sex life, and I very much enjoy our love making. I do the "work" in our sex life, the touching, kissing, the giving, which as I said I'm generally absolutely fine with, the thing is, my partner has never kissed me anywhere other than on my mouth, no neck kissing, no kissing on the chest or anywhere else... Our love making almost always includes me kissing my partner's neck, chest and all over their body, including their fill of oral, which they appear to enjoy, but they haven't reciprocated yet... I'm generally happy with that, I don't want my partner to do anything they are uncomfortable with or anything that doesn't come naturally and lovingly, and I'm certainly not desperate to receive everytime we are intimate, but it's starting to feel strange that they seem to enjoy receiving, but have never kissed me anywhere other than my mouth and have never reciprocated what they them self seem to enjoy in over nine months...

I know I should probably talk to them about it, but I don't want them to feel any pressure or for them to do it because I have asked.

OP posts:

Musti · 23/02/2020 01:40

They sound like a very selfish lover

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 23/02/2020 01:44

Clutch those pearls, Somerville! Clutch them!

timeisnotaline · 23/02/2020 01:50

Kissing neck or chest is hardly something you might understand someone might not want to do if they are willing to have sex with you. But my dh barely ever gets blowjobs as I don’t like them, I have a ridiculous gag reflex and spend most of the time trying not to gag. Talk to them.

Somerville · 23/02/2020 02:15

Clutch those pearls, Somerville!

Consent is pearl clutching to you? Bloody hell.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/02/2020 02:33

OP, I think most of us guessed that you're male and want to convince your female partner to perform acts she isn't comfortable with.

If she doesn't want to suck cock, she doesn't. I think I wouldn't have sex with someone twice who didn't kiss me anywhere but the mouth. I mean come on. But you seem to have so I think you just decide how important it is. Talk about it if you want but zero coercion. A concept that appears to escape some men.

NoMoreDickheads · 23/02/2020 10:10

'Clutch those pearls?' It's expecting women to do stuff they don't want to in bed that's retro, not thinking it's not ok.

I know people think (rightly) that perhaps the way forward is to have a conversation about it, but I would feel pressurised if someone said to me they wanted a particular sex act from me. I had a bloody awful ex and he was always nagging for stuff (we were in the bedroom and he was saying 'I really want to f your a, when I'd already told him countless times I'd decided I wasn't into that.) But maybe it's my own issues that I find it really hard to say no, so feel pressurised if someone asks for stuff.

I think if you're going to initiate a conversation about it, it shouldn't be mid-session, as that comes across as more insistent. Have the convo at some other time.

@timeisnotaline I don't think the OP was ever really on about neck-kissing, though he mentioned it to soften what he was saying. Or at least, that isn't his primary goal.

MimiLaRue · 23/02/2020 10:29

I know people think (rightly) that perhaps the way forward is to have a conversation about it, but I would feel pressurised if someone said to me they wanted a particular sex act from me

Asking once about it is not remotely the same thing as pressuring someone over and over again once they've said no.

I truly dont understand how anyone can be ok with intimate sex but cannot talk to their partner about it. If you cant talk to your partner about your sex life then I dont see the point of being in the relationship. Communication is key to any relationship. Without communication, you are going to flounder at the first hurdle.

Personally, I wouldnt be happy if I was giving a guy blowjobs all the time and he never went down on me. I dont think thats fair. If the partner isn't comfortable with oral sex thats fine, noone should be doing anything they arent comfortable with but its also fine for the OP to want oral sex as part of a healthy sex life and to seek someone else who is compatible. It doesnt make either party "wrong", all it means is- they arent sexually compatible.

It doesnt make them some kind of weirdo for wanting oral sex to be a part of a loving, sexual relationship as some people here seem to be implying.

NoMoreDickheads · 23/02/2020 11:10

@MimiLaRue No,I don't think he's a weirdo, but everyone has some things they don't like, and if his OH doesn't like giving oral she shouldn't be made to feel it's compulsory. Most things can be worked around IMHO, though IDK what the options are in this case- there's only really her giving him a hand job, and most men find that a bit crap in comparison.

She's not alone in not giving oral though, I've heard of other women who don't do it and their partners/husbands accept it.

MimiLaRue · 23/02/2020 11:14

and if his OH doesn't like giving oral she shouldn't be made to feel it's compulsory

But literally noone said it should be "compulsory"- where are you getting that? not a single person said that. Most people said, "talk to her" - which is the correct, mature thing to do.

she's not alone in not giving oral though, I've heard of other women who don't do it and their partners/husbands accept it

Which is why I said they arent sexually compatible. If she doesnt want to give oral, and the OP wants it, then they arent compatible and they need to find someone who feels similarly to them with regard to oral. Sexual compatibility is important.

Gwenhwyfar · 23/02/2020 13:13

"They sound like a very selfish lover"

Some people are just not good lovers (me!). They may be inhibited or whatever, not necessarily selfish people.

"Kissing neck or chest is hardly something you might understand someone might not want to do "

I understand perfectly. Is there a list somewhere of things someone is allowed to not want to do?

Gwenhwyfar · 23/02/2020 13:20

"This is 2020 and oral really comes as standard now. If s/he has some problem with giving oral then they should have been upfront about it from the start."

You could equally argue that if it's a dealbreaker for OP he should have said so at the beginning.

NoMoreDickheads · 23/02/2020 15:47

Men! Why don't they just leave us alone and shag each other? Let them be the ones trying to avoid gagging.

I'm just waiting for an opportunity to tell the next sleazy fer I come into contact with to f off. (It's not personal, OP )

ravenmum · 23/02/2020 16:02

If she wanted to, she'd probably have given you one by now. After sex, just say casually "You don't like giving blow jobs then, huh?"
Though she might, obviously, also say "no" to that if she normally likes blow jobs, but is put off of it for some reason with you. #showerfirst

NoMoreDickheads · 23/02/2020 16:13

@ravenmum That's something else men can enjoy with each other. And the nagging for all their other obsessions.

ukgift2016 · 23/02/2020 16:22

Fed up with these posts where they try to remain coy over gender.

So this post is about a man who is pissed his wife won't give him oral?

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 23/02/2020 16:46

@Gwenhwyfar
I would agree if OP wanted something that's not part of most healthy sex lives. Like anal, which is still pretty niche.

But oral? Nah. Mind you, I'd have binned off anyone after 2 sessions without it whether or not they'd disclosed upfront.

MimiLaRue · 23/02/2020 17:06

So this post is about a man who is pissed his wife won't give him oral

Well it appears she's quite happy to receive it. If a woman came on here saying she constantly gave her H blowjobs and he never ever reciprocated he's be called all sorts of names.

Oral is important to lots of people, not just men

Gwenhwyfar · 23/02/2020 17:20

"Like anal, which is still pretty niche. "

Not sure if it's still 'niche'. It's not quite vanilla yet, but there seem to be a lot of people doing it. Someone who's had it in previous relationships might think everyone does it.

I don't see why there's any more an expectation on the woman to say what she is willing and not willing to do any more than on the man. There may be things he won't do as well that some people consider normal - we don't know.

It's not that easy to just blurt it out either. How is it supposed to go:
"Would you like a drink on Friday night?"
"Yes, please but no blow jobs."

MimiLaRue · 23/02/2020 17:24

I don't see why there's any more an expectation on the woman to say what she is willing and not willing to do any more than on the man

There isnt- which is why everyone said to talk to her about it.
No need for blurting anything out randomly FGS. If you are shagging someone then surely you can talk to them? If you cant talk to them then really I would question if you are even ready for an adult relationship. Sex requires communication- things like contraception/safe sex etc need to be discussed so why on earth not that?

Gwenhwyfar · 23/02/2020 18:17

"There isnt- which is why everyone said to talk to her about it. "

No. One person said the woman should have 'declared herself' at the beginning.

"If you are shagging someone then surely you can talk to them? "

Yes, that's a message for OP isn't it, not the woman.

MimiLaRue · 23/02/2020 18:23

Yes, that's a message for OP isn't it, not the woman

Its a message for both. Both are involved here, not just the man. Sex involves two people so both of them should talk. Or maybe she's just selfish in bed- thats possible too

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/02/2020 18:39

The problem with some things being 'niche' or 'vanilla' is that it appears to be male-focused porn that drives this nonsense. So hair used to be normal and now is niche because of porn. Ditto anal.

IRL sex should be absolutely 100% based on people enthusiastically consenting to things they want to do. If you're desperate for a blow job, find someone who likes giving blow jobs. Nothing should be 'expected' except consent.

NoMoreDickheads · 23/02/2020 20:17

Nothing should be 'expected' except consent

@MrsTerryPratchett I like this one.

HarryElephante · 23/02/2020 20:31

So hair used to be normal and now is niche because of porn. Ditto anal

Anal used to be normal and now is niche?

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/02/2020 20:31

The opposite, fairly obviously.

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