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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found out OH has been cheating

63 replies

Shitscreek11 · 22/02/2020 20:24

I don't even know where to start, apologies this is a long read. I've never posted on anything before but I'm so confused and hurt and don't know how to play this out. I'm 32 weeks pregnant with DC2, unplanned and suffered with antenatal depression. I've been with my OH 11 yrs and known him 20yrs. I'm the earner and hes a SAHD due to ongoing health issues.

For a while now I've had this niggling feeling that something wasn't right with OH. Today I looked at his phone, it's never usually out of his hands and I never knew his pw. I found some pics of him in lingerie (mine) and they were quite hard core. I looked a bit more at his browsing and clicked a site I never heard of, turns out to be a gay hook up site. I saw msgs to ALOT of different guys and I can see that he's been out with them for a quickie and oral! " I can't wait to taste your..... again" . It seems this happens when he goes on nightly runs to the shop while I put our son to bed.. I'm sick to my stomach thinking that he could have caught something and passed it..

I knew before he liked womens underware but he talked himself out and just said he likes the feeling..

I'm heartbroken to know our little family will be no more, we never fight not any big issues.. if he came out to me I would be hurt but support him but he's cheated so many times and under my nose like he has no guilt..

What do i do now? Play the long game and protect myself financially? Do a years mat leave and when I get back earning pack his bags?

Do I throw him out now and do the c section, mat leave without him?

Do I give it two years and really set myself up? I'm sure I'm missing bits but i just can't think straight... how can I break my little boys heart..

Sorry for the long post!

OP posts:
VodselForDinner · 22/02/2020 20:37

I'm the earner and hes a SAHD

Talk about biting the hand that feeds you.

I take it you’re not married? What’s the housing situation? Is your home mortgaged. Are you joint tenants or tenants in common?

HollowTalk · 22/02/2020 21:00

When you say he's cheated so many times, do you mean over the years, or just now?

HollowTalk · 22/02/2020 21:02

He's behaved so badly that for me there would be no going back at all. You must feel terrible.

Original poster
Shitscreek11 · 22/02/2020 21:09

No we're not married, im thankful now for that.. joint tenants. The messages on the website are going back over a year and the photos(full view without face) are taken nw and from 2017! Ive been out all day and just come back so its the first time ive seen him since seeing his phne and nealy threw up... im in bits

OP posts:
CallMeRachel · 22/02/2020 21:09

He's disgusting and using you as a free meal ticket!

Who knows what he's been doing while you're out working and earning the family money!

How dare he behave like this with a young child and another on the way while being looked after.

Without knowing your financial set up it's difficult to advise what to do next, only you can know that. The basics would be photograph every thing you saw on his phone and get finances secured.

There'd be no coming back from this type of betrayal for me, he'd be gone.

Fizzysours · 22/02/2020 21:14

Be careful...if he has been the SAHD he could get custody possibly? Get advice and plan things carefully...sit tight to ensure your little boy stays with mum

dinosaurrisotto · 22/02/2020 21:15

I would seek legal advice before confronting him. But there's no way i could live with this situation. It will be hard having a new baby etc without him but harder still having to look him in the eye for a year or two knowing what you do! Horrible situation. Be strong. Confide in family if you can and gain their support.

Mummyoftwo91 · 22/02/2020 21:16

Oh op I am so sorry, your financially in a stronger position than he is, I would confront this before the baby comes, otherwise you will be stuck with him even longer, I think it will be a lot harder living with him now you know this than you think, his behaviour is disgusting and I'm so so sorry! Thanks

PicsInRed · 22/02/2020 21:18

See a solicitor urgently about the child arrangements aspect of him being a SAHD. You may actually have found all of this at the right time - as you are pregnant and about to do maternity leave, a solicitor could make a case that you can challenge his status as primary caregiver. His nightly trips out to the shop ... actually outdoors random stranger hookups ... won't help him, simply because that's not a lifestyle which will be consistent with being available to care for children each night. I would start pulling together evidence of all the "primary caregiver" tasks you actually do yourself.

Ozziewozzie · 22/02/2020 21:21

You have to put yourself and child first. To do that you must look after yourself health wise. By this I mean emotionally.
You’re already vulnerable. I think it will add far too much pressure on yourself to keep this quiet and pretend nothings happenned for a long period of time. The reality is that you’ll break, snap.
You have all you need. Take pics of evidence, lock down money etc and tell him to leave immediately.

Be kind to yourself. You’re already managing your own life by yourself. Definitely get an STD test ASAP.

longtimecomin · 22/02/2020 21:23

If I was you I would lay it on thick re pre natal/ post natal depression to buy some space. How could you possibly share a bed with him now? You need legal advice from a family lawyer. You must be reeling. Sorry Op, what an arsehole!

GabsAlot · 22/02/2020 21:36

Sorry to hear this op-i would talk to your midwife about test etc they might be more urgent because of the pregnancy

Winterlife · 22/02/2020 21:43

He is probably struggling with the fact he is gay. That may be a factor in his depression.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, particularly during a pregnancy.

PositiveVibez · 22/02/2020 21:47

I knew before he liked womens underware but he talked himself out and just said he likes the feeling

Have a read of the Trans widows threads on the feminist boards. They will be able to offer you lots of advice and assistance.

Take care OP 💐

Original poster
Shitscreek11 · 22/02/2020 21:49

Thanks for the advice, I never thought this would be me. I read loads on MN and think how could anyone put up with the shit. Now in RL its my turn. I'm scared, thinking who will be with me at the birth, my DM will have my son. How do I get to hospital? How do I get home again? I have noone that drives, no close friends just my DM really. Things like having to give my DS to his arsehole dad every second Christmas, not seeing my DS every other weekend.. how do I do it? Financially after maternity leave I'll be ok... I have my DS in my bed now and I'm lying beside him, the front door has just closed..
I took photos of his phone earlier of the messages and photos so he can't get out of it.. all my lingerie on and in one I can see hed in my dress!
I have an antenatal app this week, maybe I should ask for a std test there in front of him!

OP posts:
longtimecomin · 22/02/2020 21:56

Yes ask for an std test in front of him, he's putting you at risk and he you will leave him guessing/reeling.

shas19 · 22/02/2020 22:05

I have thick skin but this honestly made ne feel sick for you. Please ask infront of him for a sti check. Get rid asap

user1471449295 · 22/02/2020 22:11

So sorry OP. Yes, get tested.
You say the front door has just closed...has he gone out on one of his ‘walks’, or has he come back? Disgusting, piss taking, pathetic little man

recycledbottle · 22/02/2020 22:12

I think you need to he careful about him being a stay at home dad. I would wait until maternity leave as you will be the primary carer then. Speak to Solicitor. I wouldn't act too hasty.

Weenurse · 22/02/2020 22:18

Solicitor, plan quietly, get tested quietly . Look at where you want to be long term and work towards that

Heartburn888 · 22/02/2020 22:18

Sorry but he really has zero respect for you if he’s going out for quickies and oral and coming back to the house after he’s finished and giving you a kiss goodnight. That really is disgusting behaviour considering you are basically keeping a roof over his head and food in his belly.

No experience with this sort of situation but if it was me I’d know it was dead and it’s time to move on, you need to find out if he is gay or bisexual and if he does want it to work with you but then there’s the matter of him being unfaithful.

GoldLeafTree · 22/02/2020 22:25

Oh god, how vile. I can't begin to imagine how you must feel. I really hope you find the strength to leave Flowers

PicsInRed · 22/02/2020 22:26

Yes, keep very quiet, you can play the "pregnant and don't feel like it" card to get out of having sex with him. Have have std test - but without him knowing. I would urgently speak with a solicitor before giving any indication you know. You need to play this very, very, very carefully.

Luckystar20 · 22/02/2020 22:27

Lifes too short op get yourself and toure fmaily out of the situation. Please get an STD test.Flowers

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 22/02/2020 22:33

DO NOT ASK FOR AN STD TEST IN FRONT OF HIM.

At the moment he is DS1's primary career. If you don't handle this very, very carefully he could get primary care of your child and you will end up paying him maintenance! YOU MUST KEEP YOUR POWDER DRY.

Go see a solicitor. Keep evidence. Say nothing until you know where you stand. A pp suggested you could use your mat leave to change the status of the main carer in the house, that sounds good to me but you MUST get advice. Good, paid for, advice.

Sorry for the shouting but the thread is moving fast and ppl are rightly incensed on your behalf. But you have to go very carefully here.