Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Found out OH has been cheating

63 replies

Shitscreek11 · 22/02/2020 20:24

I don't even know where to start, apologies this is a long read. I've never posted on anything before but I'm so confused and hurt and don't know how to play this out. I'm 32 weeks pregnant with DC2, unplanned and suffered with antenatal depression. I've been with my OH 11 yrs and known him 20yrs. I'm the earner and hes a SAHD due to ongoing health issues.

For a while now I've had this niggling feeling that something wasn't right with OH. Today I looked at his phone, it's never usually out of his hands and I never knew his pw. I found some pics of him in lingerie (mine) and they were quite hard core. I looked a bit more at his browsing and clicked a site I never heard of, turns out to be a gay hook up site. I saw msgs to ALOT of different guys and I can see that he's been out with them for a quickie and oral! " I can't wait to taste your..... again" . It seems this happens when he goes on nightly runs to the shop while I put our son to bed.. I'm sick to my stomach thinking that he could have caught something and passed it..

I knew before he liked womens underware but he talked himself out and just said he likes the feeling..

I'm heartbroken to know our little family will be no more, we never fight not any big issues.. if he came out to me I would be hurt but support him but he's cheated so many times and under my nose like he has no guilt..

What do i do now? Play the long game and protect myself financially? Do a years mat leave and when I get back earning pack his bags?

Do I throw him out now and do the c section, mat leave without him?

Do I give it two years and really set myself up? I'm sure I'm missing bits but i just can't think straight... how can I break my little boys heart..

Sorry for the long post!

OP posts:

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 22/02/2020 22:48

IndieTara · 22/02/2020 22:52

Op you're getting some good advice here. Do be careful

RhubarbTea · 22/02/2020 23:03

I'm so sorry this has happened and I agree 100% with those who are saying be very careful indeed or you could lose custody of your child in the event of a split, which would be devastating.
Say nothing and get some legal advice and an STI test ASAP without telling him about either.

Alfiemoon1 · 22/02/2020 23:09

So sorry op I would see a solicitor and get tested before confronting him due to him being sahd and you being the earner

BlueBolts · 22/02/2020 23:12

How awful for you OP. As much as you want to confront him like others have said get some legal and health advice before deciding which direction to take. At least you know you're covered financially. What a sneaky bastard. You'll be OK. At least you found out now and not years down the line.

PeterPanGoesWrong · 22/02/2020 23:14

I’d sling him out tonight. You’re being much more restrained than I would be.

CallMeRachel · 22/02/2020 23:19

I’d sling him out tonight. You’re being much more restrained than I would be

That would let him win in all ways though.

Off he freely pops to go suck randomers cocks and he can paint the OP as an unfit mother who has pnd and made him give up his career to stay home to look after the child.

(Not saying this is true but how it's likely to be twisted if the shit hits the fan)

He's an unfit father, op needs to be clever in how she plays this.

bigmamama · 22/02/2020 23:22

Sorry but even the thread is moving too fast for op!
Weenurse is right. Your heavily pregnant please be careful with anything you do, you need to think and to talk to someone, could you tell your DM and trust her to keep it to herself until you know what you want. At this point I know it's easier said than done but you have to think about yourself and your health first and foremost x

justasking111 · 22/02/2020 23:23

Please do this quietly, if you need to talk do so to your mum. Get your ducks in a row, solicitors, std check. So sorry...

justasking111 · 22/02/2020 23:25

Is he paying for this sex or being paid do you think?

CalleighDoodle · 22/02/2020 23:32

What a disgusting, selfish man.

See a solicitor before you do anything.

When you say he is a sahd, is he actually doing all the tasks of primary carer as well? Booking dentist appointments / doctors / school arrangements? Etc etc?

waterSpider · 22/02/2020 23:36

So when a breadwinning dad suddenly wants 50/50 care with a SAHM that's not acceptable.
But with a SAHD and a breadwinning mum … don't let him get primary care?

And we're told that behaviour and fault don't matter, and that the needs of the children should be paramount.
[affixes suit of armour to self at this point]

Lifeisabeach09 · 22/02/2020 23:40

Screenshot and keep all evidence and force him to leave.
Then consult with a solicitor regarding a child arrangements next week. Cheating does not make someone a bad parent (legally) so you'll both likely need to establish a co-parenting relationship going forward. I'd also get a sick note taking a few weeks off work or start maternity early.
Go for STI testing.
Don't worry about the unfit mother claims--this has to be proven by the relevant authorities and is not based on being the breadwinner in a relationship.
As soon as he is out, apply for universal credit to help with finances.
You do need to share this with someone in real life as you need the support.

PicsInRed · 22/02/2020 23:44

He's on the sick, too ill to work, but well enough to be out rutting with strangers in the moonlight and exposing his wife and unborn children to severe and increasingly untreatable STIs.

I highly doubt, from what we know of him already, that he's doing much actual domestic work. Best guess is that he's present in the house when OP is at work, and that's about it.

PicsInRed · 22/02/2020 23:45

OP, who is in receipt of child benefit?

Original poster

Shitscreek11 · 23/02/2020 00:36

Appreciate all the advise, two sides just like the way I'm thinking. One side just throw him out now and tell everyone what he's been doing. The other side is line up everything, sort legal advise and confront when all is in order. Think that's the way I have to do it. Being gay I could handle I'm a very open minded person its the cheating and him completely decompartmentalising everything. I support his (not just financially) his hobbies and interests as I know it's tough being at home all day. Well that was before.. I think I can prove he would be an unfit primary carer as the money he does get in benefits goes towards weed. I took photos of the txt for that too. That's one of his other excuses to leave the house at night, going for a smoke.
I'll start looking up solicitors on Monday I think.

OP posts:

Original poster

Shitscreek11 · 23/02/2020 00:43

@PicsInRed I get the child benefit. I'd never trust him with additional money.
@CalleighDoodle, he picks him up from school and plays with him. I put a wash on in the morning and 90% of the time it will need a 2nd spin when I come in. He uses to do a bit more tiding but now Says whats the point as it just gets messy again. Hes never booked anything for DS. Even for himself he'd barley book anything.

OP posts:

yesterdaystotalsteps123 · 23/02/2020 09:10

I would definitely get him to leave and end the relationship. Cheating is emotional abuse. Sponging off you us financial abuse. Having unprotected sex with you and randoms is sexual abuse. Don't stress yourself out living with this parasite. Your health and wellbeing come first and your DS

CalleighDoodle · 23/02/2020 09:36

He doesnt sound like the actual primary carer at all, just the person in the room. Youre still doing everything. And all his money goes on weed.

Even without the cheating, why put up with this?!

IndieTara · 23/02/2020 10:07

Op do you think he would even want to be primary carer when you split?

LouHotel · 23/02/2020 10:28

I can't imagine he wants to be primary care giver as you won't be home to allow to leave to meet men.

But I think you need to balance having him out of the house when your baby arrives with being in the best place to contest primary care status. Can you start maternity at 36 weeks? It will give you a month to get yourself sorted.

You do need to come parent with him and it might be he gets 50/50 of your DS with you paying maintenance but I can't see how you can pay that on maternity leave so you need to see a solicitor ASAP!!!

I'm really sorry your having to deal with this, you need an emergency midwife appointment for an STD check as their not all screened for at the start of pregnancy.

CodenameVillanelle · 23/02/2020 10:33

What's the earliest you can go on maternity leave? I would try to wait until then and you will be at home to look after DS. Then boot him out. Yes there is a risk since he's the 'main carer' (in theory) that he could apply for residence of DS but a) would he, if it would mean he'd have to do all the work and b) is he actually well enough to have residence of a toddler?
You'll be better suited to him living elsewhere and coming to take DS for all or part of the day to look after him at his place. Presumably he'll be old enough for nursery by the time you go back to work with DC2.

CallMeRachel · 23/02/2020 10:54

After reading your latest updates about this creature I wouldn't wait around, I'd get rid of him now. An unemployed weed smoking, cheating, lying layabout is no good for you or the kids.

It's unlikely someone like that would seek full custody. He wouldn't cope given he can't even put on a wash properly or tidy up.

And to the poster who stated that being a cheat doesn't make someone a bad parent, I disagree.

He's having unprotected sex with randoms, with a pregnant wife at home he's putting his unborn child directly at risk if she has been having sexual contact with him.

yellowallpaper · 23/02/2020 11:06

I feel so sorry for you in this situation. What an absolute bastard he is to behave like this. The lying and cheating and just being such a cu*t. He has just been using you and lying to you. Get rid as soon as you've sorted out the legal side.

Original poster

Shitscreek11 · 23/02/2020 12:32

@CalleighDoodle the reason I put up with this is that it's my normal so I didn't see any different. I'm completely blinded and refused to see what others may see if I told them the 'normal situation. I felt bad that he was out of work so over compensated being completely naive.

I don't think he would get full custody. He has no money for a place to live and would be staying on his mams couch.
There's a stupid idiot part of me that just thinks it be easier to just put up with it but I know that's beyond stupid.
I've created an account with the site to see when he's online.. don't know why or what that will achieve but I'm not exactly thinking rationally.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread