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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Another cheating husband...please help

56 replies

FirstTimeMum1991 · 21/02/2020 16:47

Hi everyone,
Very new around here and just wanted to reach out for some help.
I am almost 5 months pregnant with my first baby and last week I found out my husband has cheated on me.
I knew something was wrong for around 2 weeks but any time I raised any suspicions etc it was turned back on me. I asked 3 times if he had met or was messaging somebody else and last week just before we were due to go for a valentines meal he finally came clean.
I am absolutely devastated and feel like my entire world has been ripped apart.
Believe it or not I am currently fighting for my marriage, he is very up and down, one minute wanting to fight to be a better husband and father and the next turning it all around on him saying he needs help and needs space.
Am I doing the right thing fighting for my marriage? Crazy I know but I just adore him and cannot imagine life without him. I never wanted to have a baby alone and the thought terrifies me.
I am not really sleeping or eating and also have awful thoughts that when the baby arrives later this year that I will not have a bond with it because of what I have been through.
I’m sorry for rambling on, I am just driving myself crazy. Checking my phone constantly for any little message of hope from him.
Thank you for listening everyone.

OP posts:
DICarter1 · 21/02/2020 16:49

Honestly? If you’re the only one fighting for your marriage no it’s not worth it. As the cheater why he is so up and down? If he was genuinely remorseful he’d be begging for forgiveness and doing everything in his power to prove he’s made a massive mistake.

I would leave.

FirstTimeMum1991 · 21/02/2020 16:55

Yes unfortunately that’s not the case.
Hard to know how to respond without it sounding like I am making excuses, however he has recently hit rock bottom in terms of his mental health. Not a reason to cheat I know but that’s what I mean about being up and down.

If I leave do you think I will ever get over it?

Absolutely terrified to do this alone.

Thank you for your honesty.

OP posts:
Sugartitss · 21/02/2020 16:57

get rid op, what a bastard.

you won’t see that yet but you will.

cheating on your pregnant wife, can’t get any lower than that.

IndieTara · 21/02/2020 17:01

Its a LTB from me

SilverySurfer · 21/02/2020 17:03

I'm very sorry OP, what a shitty thing to do. You may want to ask MNHQ to move your thread to the Relationship Board. There are a lot of people who have gone through what you are now dealing with and they have a wealth of advice and can help you get through this. Just press 'Report to the right of your name and ask them to move it.

SilverySurfer · 21/02/2020 17:05

Sorry, please ignore my suggestion, I thought we were on a different board.

Wishing you all the best.

PieAndPumpkins · 21/02/2020 17:06

So much better to leave now and settle yourself and prepare to do this without him, than wait until theres a little person in the mix. He isn't sorry... That would tell you everything. You can do this 💜

FirstTimeMum1991 · 21/02/2020 17:08

The thought of doing it without him right now makes me sick to the stomach.
It honestly terrifies me.

OP posts:
Pumpkinpie1 · 21/02/2020 17:10

He needs space !
Why?
I hear a lot about you making the effort but nothing about him !
You deserve better than I think he will ever be capable of giving especially when you’re effectively giving him such an easy ride
Once a cheater always a cheater I think you will regret it if you stay with him
Talk to your mum or a close friend you need support dealing with this

mamato3lads · 21/02/2020 17:10

Oh no. How absolutely horrendous for you.

You're panicking right now...terrified you cant do this alone. Of course you can. Millions of us do.

Why the hell are you waiting for messages of hope from this fucking loser? He CHEATED on you, whilst you are PREGNANT. It really doesnt get much worse. He should be on his knees right now. Begging. Pleading. Not prancing around unable to decide what "he" wants.

Fuck him OP! Take control! How can you forgive him shagging someone else....you are panicking now but that will pass and you need to get ANGRY. If you stay with him, this will eat you up.

Hes fucked your relationship. Now you need to take control , get away from the cheating bastard and focus on getting ready to be a mum.

Good luck, and big bug hugs Flowers

mamato3lads · 21/02/2020 17:13

Also if he's fucking around now can you even imagine how he'll behave once the pressure of fatherhood kicks in? Get rid. He will ruin your precious time with your newborn. You dont get that back and it's more special than I can say.

petrocellihouse · 21/02/2020 17:15

You will get over it. Not quickly and not without a great deal of pain, regret and what ifs. However, he is not choosing you and your unborn baby. He’s choosing himself first. For your sake and the sake of your baby you need to do the same and put yourself first. It will be incredibly hard (trust me, I know!) but you can find happiness and peace of mind without him. Make the choice for him and leave. It may be that once you’ve gone he will realise what he’s done and really be sorry. That might be a new starting point for you both to try again or it might be that you realise it’s actually ok to go ahead alone. Whatever happens you’ve got lots of support here Flowers

Lexycowen90 · 21/02/2020 17:16

I would leave. I understand why you are scared alot of people would be but having this all the way through your pregnancy really isnt going to help you or the baby and right now the baby should be before your cheating husband. There is a lifetime of love waiting for you in that little one and honestly he needs to build up truat again with you cheating is bad enough but even worse when you know your wife if going through pregnancy to bring your child into the world. If he is really sorry he will fight for you even if you leave. You got this Smile

user53976478853 · 21/02/2020 17:16

If I leave do you think I will ever get over it?

Yes. You can't picture it yet, but you will.

You're in shock, you're frightened and you're grieving. But staying won't get back what's been lost. I'm sorry. Flowers

Mischance · 21/02/2020 17:22

I am so very sorry to hear what has happened.

When you have children you need a strong couple working together if it is to be successful. It does not look as though this is likely in your case; and I suspect that your child - and eventually you yourself - will fare better without him, if he is not prepared to put in the effort to be a proper husband and father.

I am so sorry for you. Take care and stay strong. Flowers

fuzzymoon · 21/02/2020 17:24

No decision needs to be made by you right now.

You need for what has happened to sink in.
For you to know how you feel when the shock of it has passed.
Only then will you know if you will be able to move on and have a trusting relationship.

But please be mindful that Mental health difficulties does not cause infidelity. He chose this path. He was only thinking about his needs. It doesn't sound great that he is still be noncommittal about your future together when this should be the time he is begging for forgiveness MH or no MH.

FirstTimeMum1991 · 21/02/2020 17:26

Thank you everyone. Wow, I expected one or two responses and I am over whelmed at everyone’s support. If you were to see the messages back and fourth you would cringe for me. Me supporting him, telling him I can’t do it without him and checking in on him.....

I feel like I have a huge rock on my chest where I can’t breathe properly and like a panic attack is due to come on at any moment.

OP posts:
At17 · 21/02/2020 17:29

I’m so sorry that he’s done this to you. I’m four months further on (though I wasn’t pregnant when he cheated) and I clearly remember that shock and sadness. You’re traumatised right now and it must feel impossible to know what to do for the best.

I promise you though, that you will feel better. No one can tell you whether to fight for your marriage or not, I know I went into absolute panic mode.

Four months on, I feel stronger and more liberated than I could have possibly imagined. It’s hard at times, and some days I’m exhausted. But mostly, I feel so much more peaceful not living with someone who cheats and lies.

The posters on here were an enormous source of strength, sensible advice and support so please keep talking.

At17 · 21/02/2020 17:31

Fwiw, I did the same as you. Said I’d support him, tried to understand. Even begged him to come back. No one’s cringing, especially those of us who have been through it.

FirstTimeMum1991 · 21/02/2020 17:41

Do you mind me asking what stage you are at now?

OP posts:
At17 · 21/02/2020 17:47

Me? My husband left and I’m at home with the children (they’re in their teens so I know it’s very different to your situation.) He sees them two or three times a week. I’ve filed for divorce on the grounds of his adultery.

It took me weeks to feel like I could even breathe, let alone be happy. But it’s happening.

DICarter1 · 21/02/2020 17:58

I have mental health issues. I’m not cheating on my dh. You deserve so much more. I’d also withdraw support. You’re much stronger than you think. And it will get easier. My long term partner left me for someone else (thankfully no kids) but I continued living with him, sleeping with him and hoping he’d change his mind. He kept telling me how much he loved me but still there was someone else. In the end I left and cut contact. It hurt like hell but I deserved so much more than him.

stoptherideiwanttogetoff · 21/02/2020 18:12

Sorry to hear what happened to you especially pregnant, sadly I have no words other than leave. I'm two yrs in trying to forgive and forget (stupidly) and I can assure once the trust is gone the marriage is to. He chose to cheat, please turn that round on him and start taking care of you and your baby. As other have said it will be tough at first but most definitely better in the long run. Sending hugs xx

JustForTheTasteOfIt · 21/02/2020 18:42

You ask if you'll ever get over it.

FUCK. YES.

You'll feel like you won't, that's natural, but trust me the relief you'll feel when you come out of the shitty bit will be amazing.

Like a PP said, he cheated on his pregnant partner. At the time he should feel most protective of you and excited about your shared future, he did something he knew would devastate you if he found out.

He chose a shag(s) over a family. Think how low he is for that.

If it was me, as painful as it would be, I'd leave him now to get my head around being a single parent before little one arrives.

If you stay together until they are here, you'll get into routines with baby that involve him and it'll feel even harder to leave.

I'm so sorry love but he has broken the foundations of your relationship at a critical time and the fact you're the one trying to fix it is so awful.

I've been there, I cringe too thinking back on the negging I've done to partners who have cheated on me, even hit me. Therapy and time mean that I now have excellent boundaries and am in a happy relationship.

Take control and set your soon to be here little one an example of being a strong person with self worth and the courage of your convictions.

You can coparent without all the angst of wondering if he's cheating on you again / using up precious energy on trying to "keep" him when your resources need to be focused on your little ones arrival and especially first few months which we all know are so intense anyway. But they'll be filled with joy because you can concentrate on your beautiful baby and not this wanker,

You'll be so proud of yourself for it eventually Thanks

FourDecades · 21/02/2020 18:49

Oh OP Flowers

My now XH cheated. I asked him if we were going to work it out. He said no. I showed him the door.

If was completely and utterly crap for a while, left with two children - one who is autistic.

What jumps out to me and others, is that you are the one chasing after him. He should be chasing after you to prove himself.

I think some time apart from each other would be a good thing. He needs to realise that he needs to treat you with respect as currently he really isn't

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