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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How to go low contact with mother?

70 replies

angell84 · 21/02/2020 16:32

My mother, divorced and alone, is constantly overstepping my boundaries.

I have told her that I want to text her once a week, on Sunday. She is still sending me texts every day.

I am not replying, and I am going to reply on Sunday. I was just wondering: what other methods did people use to set boundaries with their mother?

OP posts:
punanddusted · 21/02/2020 16:44

Without context it's impossible to say whether you're BU or not. I guess your options are: talk to her about why you only want texts on Sundays (?) and ask her to respect that; block her; get a separate phone just for her and only use it on Sundays. Not sure how hard it is to just ignore messages until you're ready to reply though.

anotherlittlechicken · 21/02/2020 16:45

Not enough info. Unless there's a huge drip feed, YABU.(A bit.)

Original poster
angell84 · 21/02/2020 16:46

To add context - she is abusive.

I try to add boundaries in many areas of my life, and she just ignores them.

So, I guess I just have to stick to my side of the boundaries, even though she ignores them.

I was wondering - how did other women implement low contact with their mother, effectively?

OP posts:
Original poster
angell84 · 21/02/2020 16:47

I see I have posted this in the wrong forum to get advice. Can it be moved mumsnet?

OP posts:
Original poster
angell84 · 21/02/2020 16:48

What forum is the right forum for this - contact with mothers?

OP posts:
anotherlittlechicken · 21/02/2020 16:48

Report you own thread @angell84 (via your first post,) and ask them to move it into 'relationships...' They will. Smile

Original poster
angell84 · 21/02/2020 16:49

Thank you @anotherlittlechicken

OP posts:
anotherlittlechicken · 21/02/2020 16:49

I think your thread should be on this forum.............

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships

anotherlittlechicken · 21/02/2020 16:49

Crosspost sorry. Smile

Lunarlight · 21/02/2020 16:49

IMO, you're taking the right approach. Boundaries are really for you, to know what your limits are and work within them. It may take a while, but, in time, if you only reply on Sundays, your mum may get the idea and only text on Sundays.

Another idea would be to block her number completely. But then you wouldn't be able to text with her at all, unless you unblocked her periodically.

CSIblonde · 21/02/2020 16:50

I just ignored the utterly vile abusive, goady letters: this was pre mobiles & I changed my land-line no. She gave up quite quickly. Showed a work colleague one of the letters & they were horrified, so that kind of decided it.

MNHQ
JoMumsnet · 21/02/2020 16:55

We're moving this thread over to our Relationships topic at the OP's request.

Woollycardi · 21/02/2020 16:59

Just do what you're doing, you have to make your own boundaries and then stand by them. Don't expect it to be easy, but do it for your own sanity.

Original poster
angell84 · 22/02/2020 23:09

I know. I just have five unanswered texts from her now, she is texting me every day, and it is upsetting me. I want as little as possible to do with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
angell84 · 22/02/2020 23:12

I know I will text her tomorrow, and my text will say, "AS I SAID, I will text you every Sunday".

I just could cry, as I feel that I have spent 30+ years trying to deal with her. She would never consider that I would have my own life. No, I am someone that she feeds off. I can literally feel my energy go, when i talk to her. I have spent thirty years crying and stressing over her, and wanting my own life. Can anyone relate?

OP posts:
NotNowPlzz · 22/02/2020 23:16

Yes I can totally, totally relate, although things are better with my DM now because she's changed and I no longer take any shit whatsoever. But it took a long long time to get there. I went low contact by not replying. The thing is, you can't expect her to be reasonable and abide by your boundaries, because she has never been reasonable. Why would she change now?

NotNowPlzz · 22/02/2020 23:17

Like pp have said, the boundaries are for you. You could definitely block her all week and unblock on a Sunday if it's easier for you to keep her out of your headspace. Or block and delete altogether and do email instead.

Original poster
angell84 · 22/02/2020 23:22

Yes , I feel where I have been going wrong before, is I have set boundaries , she has ignored them, we get into an argument over this, and I lose even more energy getting upset over it.

For example, I want to text her tomorrow and say, " I SAID that I would text you once a week on Sundays, why are you contacting me every day, you expect way too much from me, other people my age talk to their parents once a week, I have my own life, I am busy" etc etc. but I know that she will turn it around and make me feel like a bad daughter.

So new tactic.

When she totally disrespects my boundaries, I am going to try to not get upset, I am going to ignore her texts and calls, and stick to my boundary - one text every Sunday

And then I will just send her a normal text on Sunday. " Hi mum, my week has been fine, here are a couple of things that I have been doing"

OP posts:
Original poster
angell84 · 22/02/2020 23:28

I have the added thing of she will say "if you don't do this, I will leave the house to some one else".

I am starting to think that my mental health, is worth more than a house.

OP posts:
FlappingTurtle · 22/02/2020 23:29

It really does sound like stronger measures are needed. I would definitely block her number at least 6 days a week.

Are you sure you want low contact? With a person like this then no contact would be better. She will absolutely do her best to make your life a misery as long as you allow her any contact at all.

I would go as far as changing my phone number, in these circumstances.

RandomMess · 22/02/2020 23:32

Your MH is completely worth more than the possibility that you may inherit. Her house could end up pay for care home fees.

Don't even repeat you will text her once a week just do that...

Another thing is get a new mobile number. Leave that SIM in a basic cheap phone and only turn it on once a week to send the text.

FlappingTurtle · 22/02/2020 23:35

And why do you feel you have to text her every week?

Obviously you feel you've set that as a maximum. But I think it could also be seen as setting yourself a required weekly task. It's really not required. You don't owe her that.

If you do text her, give very little info. "Hope you are well. I am fine." End of story. Info is ammunition.

Or send nothing at all. You don't have to. Block, block, block. I honestly think that no contact would be best, by the sound of it.

Oliversmumsarmy · 22/02/2020 23:36

What exactly was the abuse.

justasking111 · 22/02/2020 23:44

I think we need more info. then we can advise if going NC is best for you. It was for me.

Original poster
angell84 · 22/02/2020 23:45

@oliversmumarmy she will call me and my brother fat, ugly, terrible, awful, and tell us that there is something wrong with us any time that she sees us. If we stand up to her , we are "mentally ill". I saw her once last year at Christmas, she hadn't seen us all year, and the first thing that she said was that my brother was fat, and that I was a "mean shit" for not buying the right chocolates. I hate being around her. She is an abrasive, awful person. I want nothing to do with her, I just have to get over my guilt at cutting her off totally, and cut her off totally.

OP posts:
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