How to go low contact with mother?

[angell84]

My mother, divorced and alone, is constantly overstepping my boundaries.

I have told her that I want to text her once a week, on Sunday. She is still sending me texts every day.

I am not replying, and I am going to reply on Sunday. I was just wondering: what other methods did people use to set boundaries with their mother?

Also if I am ever with her she will talk at me for an hour, I won't get a word in.
She will talk badly about everyone she knows.
She will talk badly about my father (passed away) and my father's family.
She will tell me that there is something wrong with me, and that I am mentally ill, and that it runs in my fathers family.
She is extremely controlling. I spent two days with her last Christmas, she wants me and my brother to sit in the same room as her all day! Not to go into another bedroom/ other room at all. I went to meet a friend on the second day and she complained hugely about it. Any time I spend with her, I come away feeling terrible about myself. If I could really desscribe her - it is that she feels bad , and she insults me , to take my energy. Like an abusive relationship.

I am done. I am just done

Think you need to look at it from her POV. You say she is abusive etc but is this a communication thing? From what you have described she obviously wants to spend time with you and you pushing her away is probably hurting her. My mum is very direct but totally wants a great and loving relationship with her kids.

Yes, she say the wrong thing etc but have you taken some time out to go and see her and explain what the impact is she is having? You mention arguments but would it be beneficial to go out for a coffee and have a chat? You are a grown up woman and should be able to resolve this if tackled in the right way.

She probably can't understand what she is doing wrong unless it has been properly explained to her.

I often find people are too quick to cut contact with loved ones which hurts both parties. Being mature and having an honest conversation goes a long way and quite often the other party don't realise the impact they are having until it is fully explained.

Maybe you have done these things but I would ask yourself the honest question if you have genuinely done everything possible to salvage this relationship.

And no one is too busy to text...Sorry.

Forget your inheritance, it’s probably going to be left to the Cats’ Home anyway. Just block her and stop talking to her.

Block her number.

Block her on a Sunday night, then unblock her the next Sunday morning. After a while you may feel your life is better when she is blocked, but this would give you some respite in the meantime.

Looking at this another way.

Could her talking and talking be a response to not talking to you on a daily basis.

Almost like a pressure cooker that needs to let off steam otherwise it explodes

I know she has said and done awful things but she does sound lonely.

It could be because she hasn’t any friends because she has driven them away but she comes across as someone who clings to any attention because she hasn’t got anyone in her life.

In some ways I feel very sorry for her

Almost like the more she wants you the less you are available.

FWIW as a mum to older teens, the idea that in a few years time the prospect that my children will only want to talk to me once per week fills me with horror

I can imagine becoming your mum. When I do see my children not wanting them to leave my side and having verbal diarrhoea even though it is doing more harm than good.

Just ignore her messages until you are ready. Ignore the threats to disinherit too. My df tried that one repeatedly. It meant nothing and, over time, became completely irrelevant.

You don’t need to get upset, just take control by sticking to your routine. It is YOUR choice.

Oliversmumsarmy talks sense IMO. People aren't on this planet a long time and as we know, many struggle mentally.

I think you will regret your actions in time if you don't make the effort now. All the "hard" talk on here is quite sad and cowardly really. Be a problem solver and a leader rather than run away like many advocate.

I would arrange to meet her in a neutral place (for coffee and cake) and have a conversation with her about all of this. Tell her in a non-confrontational way what you see is the problem and ask her to meet you half-way on resolving it. IMO people on here are too quick to say dump the boyfriend, throw him out, cut off your mum etc. Ask yourself how you will feel when you hear she has gone? Will you feel guilt (that stays for life!) that you didn't do more or will you be able to sit back and say, actually, I tried my hardest but nothing helped. Forget the inheritance - that is not what matters here. Good luck 🤞

Superb advice above...

Actually not superb advice above. some PPs clearly have no idea what it’s like to have an abusive parent. I’m back in therapy due to my abusive parents and I try to have as little contact as possible to hold on to my sanity.

There is no reasoning with these people. A cosy little chat in a cafe will be turned round on OP in an instant.

OP you’re doing the right thing - just bright and breezy on a Sunday, don’t even mention she’s previously texted in the week. Also look up grey rock.

My DF regularly threatens to disinherit me and my siblings. We all just roll our eyes and let him get on with it.

Good luck to you OP, one day at a time

"Think you need to look at it from her POV. You say she is abusive etc but is this a communication thing? "

No its not.

Abuse is not about communication or a perceived lack of; its about power and control. No wonder the OP has had enough; her mother has been abusive to OP her entire life. She has every right to say that she is done and walk away from her abuser.

Some of the posters above clearly have no idea what it's like to have an abusive parent.

That's really nice for them, but unfortunately it's not a qualification for advising somebody who does have an abusive parent.

I've been NC with my mother for the past 10 years.

She used to wield the house too - in fact, the last words ever heard uttered from her lips were "and there's no way you're getting the house now".

So, yeah, I've thrown away half a million pounds but my mental health and happiness is worth far more. It's easy to get drawn into it when your immersed in the abuse.

Oh and the advice to meet and talk it through like reasonable adults? Doesn't work.

As for people who think the once a week texting is a bit odd, the OP isn't dealing/communicating with a reasonable, loving parent with whom she has a good relationship. She is trying to manage an abusive relationship the best way she can.

If she were on here talking about an abusive partner, would there be eye rolls and suggestions to meet in a cafe for a chat? I don't think so.

Yes, she say the wrong thing etc but have you taken some time out to go and see her and explain what the impact is she is having? You mention arguments but would it be beneficial to go out for a coffee and have a chat? You are a grown up woman and should be able to resolve this if tackled in the right way.

I'm not the OP, but I tried for years to resolve the difficulties between my mother and me - I arranged holidays just for us; invited her on days out; suggested meals; cinema trips; cared for her when she was post op; supported her through relationship breakups; had her round once a week for dinner etc etc etc.

It made no difference. Whatever I did wasn't good enough; she still 'told me off' at me in public; she still called me names; still lied about me to people...

She either knew or didn't care about the impact on me. She wasn't interested in having a relationship with me, she was interested in having, effectively, a 'whipping boy'. She was incapable of caring about me.

It's not possible to 'resolve' it if you are being abused because the other person is making a choice and behaving exactly as they wish to.

Again, we wouldnt suggest that an abused partner should just behave like an adult and just 'resolve' the issues she faced in an abusive relationship.

In the end, my mother's dysfunctional behaviours towards me escalated to the point where it was impacting on my children. I shielded them from her as much as I could (they were never left alone with her, phone calls were monitored and we stepped in as soon as she said something inappropriate to end the call) but she eventually overstepped the line, the police and the LA became involved and she was deemed to be a risk to them - no contact since.

Emotional abuse cannot be chatted and reasoned away.

@angell84

I would second the advice to block her and only unblock on a Sunday if that is what you want to do.

Amd then only reply to the message that gets sent on the Sunday. You're not going to be able to change this so I wouldn't waste valuable mental or emotional energy on trying to explain or reason with her either.

Just maintain and reinforce your boundaries. Good luck

Actually not superb advice above. some PPs clearly have no idea what it’s like to have an abusive parent

I know exactly what it is like to have an abusive parent. I have been NC with my family for nearly 40 years.

A lot of what is described I would say was words.

Have you ever asked your mother when you are with her why she says such hurtful things when she is supposed to want you around.

Have you ever challenged her and said you don’t like it when she chats BS about you and others?

Maybe I have a very skewed perception of what constitutes abuse. I see this as words as opposed to a mother who did try to kill me.

I don't think you should offer up any ''as I said'' when you do text her as that seems like you're seeing her blessing for the decision you've made.

You're not seeking her blessing or her approval.

I had a problem with my mother in particular a few years ago, letting herself in to my house. She cast me as the abusive one when I asked her not to. She went full on martyr beast.

The way that worked for me was to resist the urge to keep going back to her, appealing with her to see it from my pov, how she had overstepped a boundary. My mum would sneer at the word boundary, whilst simultaneously crying because I'd been so cruel to her and also telling ME how sensitive I am. My sensitivity makes her cry.

I cannot get through to her so all I could do was go ''grey'' on her. She'd invite me over for Sunday and I didn't want to give her any drama that she could feed to her sisters and brothers (who leak their impressions of me to my cousins).

I have learnt that you have to have a word with yourself in your head first ''what do I want to do?'' and if the answer is ''have contact once a fortnight'' then you do that. You do not justify, frame it explain it, appeal to her for blessing, understanding or approval. You just do it or don't do it.
RESIST the uncomfortable feeling to make her understand. It's that desire to make her understand that your POV is reasonable that keeps you hooked.

My mum wasn't even abusive in a cruel way, she just does NOT understand a boundary, she has always told me what I think and formed her opinions on me based on what she has decided I think.
My own mother does not know me at all. Kind of depressing but it won't change.

Oh sorry @angell84 I missed your follow posts ! Apologies.
It is really hard.

And although my parents have never tried to kill me, the Fear, Obligation & Guilt tactics are VERY hard to break away from in a way that doesn't cast you in the role of the dramatic/sensitive one.

Calmness is Key. She will sense a shift in you if you stop trying to make her understand.

healing the mother wound

A lot of what was said here had a lot of resonance for me..

Also Jonice Webb has a couple of books about the effects of having your emotional needs neglected by your caregiver as a child
This leads to people-pleasing, approval seeking. When you get your validation by being invisible and no trouble.

OliversMumsArmy - yes, I would say that you do have a very skewed idea of what constitutes abuse. Which is totally understandable given the hideous experiences you mention. I'm sorry you have gone through so much trauma.

Abuse does not have to involve somebody physically trying to kill you. There are many types of abuse (emotional, verbal, financial etc) which do not necessarily involve any physical contact.

Just because it's not exactly the same as your experience doesn't mean it's not abuse. It should not be minimised or dismissed as being "just words."

Thank you to the people who have an abusive parent and understand!

My mother is simply a terrible person, and she literally gets joy out of insulting and tearing me and my brother down.

The last time she saw my brother , who is a cancer survivor, his jumper rolled up, and she said "I dont want to see your rolls of fat hahahah".

She was incredibly cruel to my father when he was alive- and he committed suicide in the end. I am not having her run me into the ground aswell.

I am going to have my own life. I only feel happy when I am conpletely away from her.

Thanks @SalmonOfKnowledge that totally makes sense about the boundary!

They won't stick to it, but the key is not to get upset, and to stick to it from our end.

More history on my mother- My mother ran off to another country with me and my brother when we were children, without my dad's permission, and would not let my father see me or my brother for years at a time, he had the police looking for us for a while, and she made me and my brother write nasty letters to my dad from abroad, that we did not want to write. She used to sit over me and make me write awful letters to him. My dad (loving and nice parent) killed himself. She then kept me and my brother in a really isolated house while we were children, and shouted abuse at us for 18 years.

So, I have had to deal with ALOT from her:

Omg you have been through so so much.

I have not experienced a tenth of that and yet I still went in to my adult life feeling hesitant, full of shames that I couldn't pinpoint or understand, a million senses of inadequacies, people overstepped all of my boundaries until I was in my early forties really.

My mum was very pleasant in a distant kind of way until I challenged her view or her perception of something and then I would be made to feel mad, bad, sensitive, dramatic, paranoid.

There was a chapter in ''running on empty no more'' by JOnice Webb phd where a grown up man visits his parents and he has driven 400 miles across america to get to them and all they do is talk about the weather and the quiche and the new sofa, and he wants to scream. He wants to talk about something REAL for once before they all die. But he knows from experience that his thoughts and feelings will be shushed and shut down at best or at worst, mocked and branded trouble-making, because only The PARENTS (his) were allowed to have views on anything (or thoughts or feelings).

It was such a good book. There are different categories of bat shit crazy in the book but i was like [lightbulb] now I know why I struggled to achieve anything in my life.