How to go low contact with mother?

[angell84]

My mother, divorced and alone, is constantly overstepping my boundaries.

I have told her that I want to text her once a week, on Sunday. She is still sending me texts every day.

I am not replying, and I am going to reply on Sunday. I was just wondering: what other methods did people use to set boundaries with their mother?

Block her. Forget the house. Live a happy life. It really is that simple. Her unhappiness is not your problem. She won’t change. Abusers can only thrive when their victims responds. Starve her of responses.

ps, and it does make you feel like you're having a crazy dialogue in your own head

me: she has summonsed me for lunch tomorrow when I said every second week works best for me now
me: do I have to go?
me: no, but I'll feel so bad, i'll feel so rude, so cruel
me; why! is it that bad?
me: no, but
me: so will i give in
me; i dont' want toooooooo, that makes what i said pointless though, and it was so hard to say it
me: so I'll sit here and stick to my guns and not explain myself
me: but i feel like a monster, why do i feel like a monster
me: this is awful
me: ''SIT WITH IT''
me: yeh I think i feel a bit less shit now.
me: bit of progress made?
me: a bit yeh

Meanwhile
Mother: omg, I can't believe it after all i've done for her all the meals i've cooked all the times i've gone out of my way for her and she so rudely tells me she cannot come without a thought for me or how cold she is i cannot believe it i have been dismissed so coldly, so cruelly,wait til I tell Maureen about this, she has the same problem with her richard and she understands what i'm going through, i honestly cannot believe i'm subjected this this cold-hearted lack of gratitude when all i did was invite her over to lunch and the fuss about me letting myself in to her house, i should show her how much she needs me by refusing to ever do a favour, that'll show her how much she needs me, she thinks she doesn't need me but she is WRONG and I have to make that clearer to her obviously.

Honestly just go NC block her from everything and have nothing to do with her.

Ask yourself what your goals are? See for me, at first I wanted to set my boundaries so that we could have a normal mother daughter relationship. Then I realised that was an impossible dream. It wasn't my behaviour around boundaries that made her good/bad. It was her crazy behaviour needing tough boundaries that was the problem.

Then I wanted to be guilt free by doing "enough" contact. Then I realised she was a master at creating guilt over nothing. I had a guilt fountain in my mind created by her when I was young. So, I stopped making choices based on guilt.

And so on and so on.

Work out what you want and whether it is possible. Then act accordingly. It will probably end up with very very low contact.

Thanks for the answers guys

I send love to all the women on here who have been through the same thing, because it is a very hard thing! It is like a life long abusive relationship.

I think we give too much power to parents as a whole. That just because some one gave birth to us, we should treat them like a god, let them abuse us, put them first, let them ruin their own lives.

Mothers are humans like the rest of us, and if they are loving to us we should be loving to them, but if they are cruel to us, they do not deserve to be in our lives at all. It is a lesson in putting ourselves first.

I just read a story about a woman who was raped by ber father every week, and her mother would put the child in bed with the father, and call the child "your father's whore", why should that woman see her mother when she grows up? We gove mothers too much power in society as a whole.

a guilt fountain in your mind. Yes. That is it. Or that was it. I have grown more ''hard-hearted'' in the last few years. Although it's not actually hard-hearted! It's just identifying my own need first.

I agree with you that Mothers are all assumed to be a sourced of love and care and it is assumed that it is cold, disobedient, ungrateful, shortsighted to cut off a mother. But nobody does that lightly. I'm not going to do it. Things are on balance, better now, and she had her own poor childhood. BUT in more extreme cases, it is so contrary to the normal experience to break up with your mother.

@Oliversmumsarmy I want to say to you in a gentle way, why would it be a terrible thing if your children grow up and speak to you once a week? They will be adults with their own lives.

I was just speaking to my cousin (you ger thtan me, she is early twenties) who went on holiday with her boyfriend. She said that she had a nice time, but that her mother ruined it for her by ringing her every single day. When she wanted to be enjoying herself.

Why don't mothers ever sit down and think of what their adult children might like? They only seem to think if what they want, never mind if it upset their children or not

This woman did not behave like any kind of mother. And therefore you owe her nothing. I am horrified by people sticking up for her on this post...please disregard their comments, and rather, search inside yourself... why are you still devaluing yourself and talking to her at ALL? You have clearly survived with empathy intact, which is awesome by the way, but have a little more empathy for yoursef, and less for her. You do not need to talk to this nasty unkind person. Ever.

Maybe I have a different relationship with my dc.
Dd has been away with friends and her bf and was the one calling me a couple of times per day telling me what they had got up to. Her friends and bf sometimes call to tell me funny things that have happened as well.
I don’t need to call as they are the ones calling me.

@oliversarmy that is great, I am happy for you. We all have different family situations, and it is nice to hear that you guys are close.

I agree, the role of a parent is given a form of power that is unlike any other.

OP, two things.

Firstly, please google something called the Hoffman Process. It's about healing family wounds for you not them and it saved my life.

Secondly, speaking to a parent once a week is entirely understandable in your situation. Other people are very different though. At 31 I speak to my dad every day, but then he is loving, kind, wonderful human. I hope to be the same for my children and therefore would also be very sad, like Oliversmum, if I only heard from them weekly.

Im close to my dc now but when they are adults i wouldnt want them to feel they had to contact me every day or id be cross

Thanks @roarfeckingroar. I will read it.

Op I would suggest no contact, so what if you don't inherit anything from her?! Your sanity is worth more

I just feel when I am around/ talk to my mother she takes every bit of my energy, to the point that I have no energy left to do anything in my own life. She also makes me feel that I am an awful/terrible person any time I am around her. It is a fact that there are many aging women who feel bad about themselves, and who take all of their pain and stress out on their children. I was talking to a woman last week who said that "I was really happy today, until my mother called me". Why should we (with mothers like that) take the full force of their anger and pain all our lives. We shouldn't. I feel stronger about cutting her off more. I want my own life. I am so happy when I am away from her. She has made me so terribly stressed and depressed over the years.

I even had a dream this week where my deceased father said to me in the dream "you need to seperate your life from your mother".

I send strength to all people in a similiar position

The joy of having my own life! The freedom to be myself! To do what I want. It is such a joy.

Anyone with a controlling parent knows what I mean.

My ex husband used to say of my mother, "you need people in your life to be a positive. At the very least, you need them to be neutral. She is a negative. She sours every good situation; she makes a bad situation worse and you have to be constantly vigilant around her because of the things she will say if your guard is down".

He was right. And the stress caused by her behaviours was one of the contributing factors to our marriage breaking down.

Wow, that dream sounds really significant.

Can you plan your going no contact a bit.

Tell her you're changing jobs. That way she won't show up at your work. Then when you're ready, block her for at least six months. See how that goes.

You deserve the peace. IF it gives you peace.

Have you talked to anybody? I haven't been through a fraction of the poor parenting you've been on the receiving end of but I benefited from psychotherapy.

I am going to google hoffmann's process now.