Mumsnet or samaritans?

[inmyshoos]

I'm really struggling today. Have a partner with suicidal thoughts and on going mh issues. Some days I feel strong and never doubt if I can cope. But today I feel like I'm sinking. Thought about calling samaritans because I just feel so low and lost but I don't even know what I need to hear. I've lots of supportive friends but I'm sure they're all sick of listening to me

Hi OP, sorry you're feeling so low. What's going on with your partner and how long has this been going on?

Both.

The Samaritans are a listening service who will provide you with a real person on the other end of the phone.

Mumsnet will give you invisible people who can offer advice and respond to you in a way that the Samaritans can't.

I'm sorry you are feeling so bad today, it isn't forever and things will get better

Some days I believe he will get better. He can be a very beautiful eluquent man but his mh stuff can make him extremely self absorbed and harsh.

He wants to get well and I forever tell him I have faith he will because I think he needs to hear that and because most days I believe it. Today I'm not so sure.

I feel I've heard too many times.... The promises of how wonderful life will be when he is free from his mh stuff....Life with him, whilst it's been wonderful in many ways, it has been an emotional roller-coaster from the beginning. I'd say only 30% of the time is he truly well and able to function fully in our relationship.

I feel like no matter which path I choose my heart will break.

Eloquent

OP what has he been diagnosed with? I'm wondering if he's unwell or manipulative.

You sound like a carer if he's unwell 70% of the time and that can be exhausting.

What's your relationship status?

How long have you been together? Do you remember the 'old' him?

Please please prioritise yourself. I cannot stress that enough. So many people hanging on a string trying to support others when actually, you are the most important person to you. It sounds awfully harsh, but ultimately it's where you need to start

Sorry to hear this op. I once was advised to phone the Samaritans for something and spoke to a rather tactless man who said i was no spring chicken! I was upset and crying and didn't really benefit from the call. It's really hit and miss who you get on the other end of the phone.
Since i discovered MN, i have never looked back until now. I love writing and even if no one gets back to you, which tbf is highly unlikely, i feel somehow lighter for writing it out of me.
Good luck xx

You could also try shout the crisis textline 85258

You're in an incredibly difficult position, OP. It's so difficult struggling with MH, and it's also really difficult to support a loved one who is struggling.

Would you be able to get any counselling yourself, so you get some support? Does your employer have any kind of employee assistance programme?

Thank you for all the replies

To answer some questions

We have been together about 18 months.

We don't live together as we both have dc.

Significant mh issues diagnosed as unresolved childhood trauma, episodes of severe depression, suicide ideation. Long family history.

I love him deeply. He is a really beautiful person when well. Like AMAZING. I adore him. But I feel like an emotional wreck when he is unwell. He hates what his mh does to me, it makes him feel incredibly guilty but it's a horrible circle of him being ill, that affecting us both, him needing to be honest about what he is capable of, that hurting me and leaving me in a position of having to prioritise his needs over mine and then I'm unable yo be honest about how I'm truly feeling (abandoned, hurt, sad, exhausted) because it will make him worse, its added pressure

I'm exhausted and I just want someone to share the weight.

I do not think the Samaritans are cost free to phone .

Has your GP got a listening service that you can use or be referred to ?

Quite often the partners can be overlooked when someone has a MH issue. It is very hard for the partner.

Keep talking. You really need to prioritise your own well-being here. Did you struggle like this before you met him? He might be wonderful in many ways but at what expense?
Please look after yourself. Keep posting, call the Samaritans if you want to talk to someone in person. They were great when I called them.

The Samaritans are cost free to phone and the number won't appear on your records either.

Is your partner getting any treatment OP? Is he on medication or having therapy?

If he's unwell for 70% of the time, I'm wondering what kind of relationship you have as surely during that time you're in a caring role. You must feel like an emotional wreck 70% of the time and how does that affect other aspects of your life like your relationship with your children and work or social life?

Do you have a background of addiction or mental ill health in your family background OP?

Thanks @12345kbm , I was not sure .

I do not think it has always been free. However , it is great that it is now.

Is contacting you free? Yes. This number is free to call from both landlines and mobiles, including pay-as-you-go mobiles. You do not need to have any credit or call allowance on your plan to call 116 123

Gp a no go. Had counselling through them before and she just kept saying that my partner sounded like my abusive ex, that there was a pattern. There was no empathy for his mh stuff. I know, I truly believe he is a good person. He knows how badly his stuff affects me and this makes him feel really bad. He isn't a bad person. It's not his fault he is so damaged. But I also know it's not mine. He wants to get well.

Did I struggle before? No not like this. Have I ever felt down, depressed, low? Yes. But I was in a very unhappy marriage and I left. For the 18mnths I was single I felt strong and empowered. Then I met him, fell in love with him, I love him in a way I've never loved before. We have a deep connection. He feels like my person. But it's been an emotional roller-coaster. Im a really sensitive person and sometimes I think he'd be better with someone who can live a more superficial existence, who doesn't need the depth. I don't know. Feel like my brain is full of marshmallow....

@12345kbm no not in my family... No mh and no addiction. But both in dps.

OP how does his mental health manifest? For example, when he talks about suicide what triggers that? Is he so depressed he can't get out of bed and self neglects? Does he shower, brush his teeth etc?

If he under a mental health team?

The promises of how wonderful life will be when he is free from his mh stuff

OP, it doesn't sound like he's ever going to be ' cured' of MH issues - it's often more a case of learning to manage them.

Is he the one saying things will be better when he's free of MH issues? Because that makes me wonder if he's in denial or saying that for your benefit.

Is he having professional input?

Do you have a carer's centre near you that can provide counselling for this sort of thing? Your GP should be able to signpost you to services on your area.

How does his MH manifest itself? What does he do and say to you?

It is not superficial to want a stable partner, and someone who isn’t constantly jerking you into ‘the depths’ will actually be more capable of real listening and real intimacy. It feels like you are being manipulated here and you have children to consider. There’s almost an intense adolescent quality to how you describe it. You don’t have to be controlled by this man’s needs.

Everyone has MH issues to an extent but you are under no obligation to stay with anyone for any reason,

"Gp a no go. Had counselling through them before and she just kept saying that my partner sounded like my abusive ex, that there was a pattern".

Maybe this person is infact correct.

You can only help your own self ultimately and you cannot act as a rescuer or saviour here to him. Neither approach works. He has to be the one who ultimately wants to seek and stick with the proper help; help that you cannot yourself provide.

What did you say to the counsellor that led them to the suggestion that he was doing things that sound like abuse?

Was it that you were worn out by having to put his needs first and can't even communicate to him that this is having a negative affect upon you, or he'd threaten to commit suicide because you were making him feel bad about himself?

What do you mean by 'what he is capable of and hurting me'?

What do you mean by 'what his MH does to me' and that he feels guilty about it?

What is he doing to you?

@12345kbm and Atrocious... So he has anxiety. Makes him avoid people in order to minimise it. Can work, care for the dc etc but difficulties maintaining intimate relationship because it demands presence. He does a job that doesn't. He can just put his head down and work. Parenting... he is very good at just meeting all the physical demands... Run me here, pick me up here, give me money, feed me etc... He is a kind and gentle parent.
So he can be well and then something stressful happens.. Anything.... Christmas, dc issues, conversation that makes him rumminate over negative stuff... Then he feels like running... Lacks coping strategies... Becomes defensive when challenged. Can become paranoid and a bit delusional. Yes under mh team. Recently given new program of help. He feels hopeful...but at the moment he is ill enough that he is volatile... In the space of one day I can have messages of total love and feel like they are from the depths of his soul thanking me for believing in him, for loving him, for everything.... And then something can just trigger a different reaction.. So if I say I need to hear that more, I'm struggling just now, it feels so lonely for me when you are ill.... He can jump to.. This is yoo much too heavy... He wants understanding... Wants our relationship to feel free and easy... There's too much pressure etc...

Our relationship has never been free and easy.... Because having a partner with his mh issues and suicidal thoughts isn't light hearted or easy...

I want to support him. I want him to be well. More than anything. But his unkind harsh honest words sometimes cut me to the bone and feels like such a slap in the face after all the love and understanding I've shown him. When he is well., he sees this, he knows this. But at the moment he just doesn't have the capacity.

@MitziK he isn't doing anything physically to me. He also isn't intentionally doing anything. He is a good person. My ex was nothing like him...at all. The counsellor wasn't great, I've worked with therapists, I have a nursing background, I know there are good ones and bad ones. She was just a kind lady wanting to help but she didn't have the experience or capacity. I know staying with my dp is a choice. I know that being in a relationship with someone who has these issues will impact greatly on me and everything else. My eyes are wide open I suppose I'm just saying some days I have the strength for this but today I've none left.

What does he feel guilty about?
Not being my rock. Not being able yo be consistent in our relationship, one day he will want to be with me and can't get enough of me, other days he will feel so anxious and consumed by anxiety and negative thought he can't face me at all.