Mumsnet or samaritans?

[inmyshoos]

I'm really struggling today. Have a partner with suicidal thoughts and on going mh issues. Some days I feel strong and never doubt if I can cope. But today I feel like I'm sinking. Thought about calling samaritans because I just feel so low and lost but I don't even know what I need to hear. I've lots of supportive friends but I'm sure they're all sick of listening to me

OP this doesn't sound like a normal, healthy relationship. It sounds unbalanced, lopsided and as though he expects almost parental, unconditional love from you and complete understanding at all times and when he gets it he is blissfully happy like a little baby that has just been fed with love and cuddles. But if you ask for some time for you, some respect, some energy, some empathy about how hard it is for you to support him all the time, then he tantrums and says horrible things. That isn't a mutually adult, supportive relationship where both people care for the emotional and physical well-being of the other, within their respective limitations and challenges. It sounds like a one way street where you give give give and he takes and never gives anything back.

That's why people are saying its codependent, and unhealthy. Because it's so one-sided. The secret is it doesn't really matter if it's because he has MH issues or not, he's still bleeding you dry of energy and making you feel mentally unwell yourself. It's affecting your functioning. You can't go on like this, no matter how much compassion you have for him, because it's not fair and it's not healthy.

How are your boundaries generally? If you had an abusive relationship that might have messed them up pretty bad even if you had a happy childhood, and if you didn't deal with the underlying stuff left behind from that relationship, it's maybe no surprise you're walking into the eye of the storm now and wondering how this happened. I think I agree with your counsellor as well.
Just because he's not an abuser doesn't mean his behaviour isn't having a terrible, massive impact on you. It doesn't matter if it comes from malice. The end result still looks exactly the same.

@inmyshoos I so feel for you! It's unbearable sometimes especially when things could be so simple and wonderful and there is no reason on paper why two people who adore each other and match perfectly can't have a lovely life together.

Believe me, I understand. I don't have much time right now, and am on my phone, but my case I have been on this (what feels like) never-ending roller coaster for 4 years and it's complicated by the fact that we work together. I have also been married before and have a 10-year-old daughter. My marriage wasn't great and I left my ex-husband many years ago and was very happily single.

Then I unexpectedly changed jobs and met him. Honestly if before we met I had made a list of everything I loved in a man - it would be him to a T! He was beautiful inside and out, we clicked on absolutely every possible level and could not have been more perfectly matched. The connection between us was so deep that it was almost unconditional love that was inexplicable. We spent all day together at work and then on average 5-7 hours every day outside of work - just talking about anything. I've been in relationships before obviously but have never felt such a deep soulful connection to anyone.

However, a combination of childhood trauma and a difficult break up (many years ago) caused him MH issues/severe anxiety that I now no longer believe we can overcome together. It's like having two people - this beautiful soulmate with a kind soft nature who understands me without words and then this mean, horrid selfish stranger who runs away from life and is unable to function like a normal human being.

The good times between us were so good that I was prepared to forgive and forget all the hurt, tears and disappointment he caused me. But over the years, due to his refusal to get professional help (again out of anxiety and at times denial) and a combination of me always being there for him/too soft and gentle in him - things just got worse. The good times decreased and the bad increased. It was one day good - three weeks (or more) bad and I became almost like an abused carer for a severely ill person.

It still completely breaks my heart, but I have made a conscious decision to stand back and no longer provide a "safety net" for him. I am hoping (although don't have anything positive to report yet) that this will push him to actually get help and make an effort to get better. It's incredibly difficult, as I see him every day at work and am so tempted to just go back to the "old times". But I have finally decided that unless he is willing to pull himself out of this darkness- there's just nothing more I can do.

You must stop being all starry eyed over this man. Just because you're willing to put up with all this misery (that's your choice) please don't put your children through it too. They will pick up on your stress.

You mightfeellike you have this deep-soul connection but to him you are possibly just a person that's willing to put up with his moods/episodes in the short term.

I'm not being harsh. I've been there. I just think you need to wake up and think about whether this is something you can put up with for years to come. It sounds like it's already taking its toll on you.