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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet or samaritans?

53 replies

inmyshoos · 21/02/2020 11:14

I'm really struggling today. Have a partner with suicidal thoughts and on going mh issues. Some days I feel strong and never doubt if I can cope. But today I feel like I'm sinking. Thought about calling samaritans because I just feel so low and lost but I don't even know what I need to hear. I've lots of supportive friends but I'm sure they're all sick of listening to me Sad

OP posts:
12345kbm · 21/02/2020 13:47

So if I say I need to hear that more, I'm struggling just now, it feels so lonely for me when you are ill.... He can jump to.. This is yoo much too heavy... He wants understanding... Wants our relationship to feel free and easy... There's too much pressure etc...

OP it sounds as though he wants this to be all one way. Is that what the counsellor said?

You say that you need some support and he backs away from the relationship at the speed of light. He seems fine with everyone else and likes you supporting him and being there for him.

However, you ask for something in return, some understanding and empathy, he doesn't want 'that kind of relationship.'

Does he also threaten suicide when you question him or argue? Do you tiptoe around him because you don't want to trigger his anxiety? Being a kind and gentle parent also demands 'presence' or is he a parent to them via Skype?

You're not getting your needs met here OP.

Sometimes, people with entrenched mental health issues, can rely on other people who eventually become their enablers. Just like isolating yourself and refusing to go out makes social anxiety worse, becoming a crutch for someone, means they never have to learn coping strategies.

These kinds of people leap frog from one person to the next and never learn the skills they need to be fully functional adults because there's always someone there to carry them.

In the meantime, you're sucked off all energy. You have your own life, your own children, your own social life and every ounce of energy is going towards this man and his needs.

TwentyViginti · 21/02/2020 13:48

OP, with respect, he is not in a postition to be in a relationship. You need to look after yourself.

Gp a no goHad counselling through them before and she just kept saying that my partner sounded like my abusive ex, that there was a pattern

You need to think about this. You've had 18 months of drama and it's affecting your own MH which in turn will impact your DC.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/02/2020 13:52

"I know that being in a relationship with someone who has these issues will impact greatly on me and everything else".

So why are you in a relationship with him?. What do you get out of this?. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. You and he are not good for each other; you are between you both bringing each other down.

Are you also codependent in relationships; why are his needs here seemingly more important than yours?. Is he using you merely as a crutch and are you enabling him?. You cannot act as a rescuer and or saviour in any relationship and I feel you are trying to be both here. This is not going to end well for you and in turn your DC.

AtrociousCircumstance · 21/02/2020 13:53

Yes he’s abusive.

He wants it all on his terms. And the depth of soul stuff is just talk OP - you do know that? You’re not a fifteen year old girl starry-eyes at soulful flattery, you’re an adult, it’s just talk. The reality is he is hurting you and making your life worse.

inmyshoos · 21/02/2020 13:53

@12345kbm no he never threatens suicide. He just shares that he feels this way or talks retrospectively about it. He isn't a bad person, he is kind and caring and supportive most of the time, even if he is struggling but when he gets really ill he doesn't have the capacity to think about me. He is fighting for himself at that point. All his energy goes into his own fight. He feels sucked into a black hole and it takes him EVERYTHING to get out.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 21/02/2020 13:55

OP you’re codependent. This relationship is bad for you. Stop romanticising him.

You have children to think of. Wake up and be responsible - for yourself and your DC.

LonginesPrime · 21/02/2020 14:00

He is fighting for himself at that point. All his energy goes into his own fight

But it sounds like all of your energy is going into his fight too, OP.

I agree with Atrocious - it cant be good for your DC for you to be in this relationship. Even if they seem fine with it, they'll be picking up on things you don't realise.

If it's bringing you to your knees like this, it can't be good for your DC.

12345kbm · 21/02/2020 14:01

OP you're not his therapist. If he's suicidal then he needs professional support and help. You can't 'cure' him.

The reason I asked if you come from a background of addiction or mentally unwell parents is because you come across as a 'rescuer'. It's a form of co dependency and it's really unhealthy.

You want to save people but, you're like the person trying to save someone who is drowning and they drown you as well. In the meantime, what is going on with your own life? Your relationship with your children? Your relationship with yourself? (Do you notice I keep bringing this back to you? That's because you're centring him and not yourself).

You need to start protecting yourself OP because you are not getting your needs met here. Focusing on someone else and their needs also means that you don't have to focus on yourself and your own life.

Having you considered taking a break? Taking some time for yourself? And letting your boyfriend work on himself, rely on a therapist not you.

MitziK · 21/02/2020 14:02

It's a different kind of abuse.

Instead of a punch in the face, he threatens to leave, knowing that, as he's completely dispassionately told you that he felt like killing himself the last time you …………., you're terrified and stop making demands for perfectly reasonable things like support when you're finding things difficult.

Ever felt irritated with something he's not done and he's made you feel like you're kicking a puppy? Ever thought 'Can't tell him that, or he'll start the 'I can't handle the pressure, you're too much' speech again?'

Even physical abusers say it's never their fault - it's the drink, it's the drugs, it's the kids, it's the way you didn't do something/did do something.

And it really, really helps an abuser if their victim thinks 'But I can't leave, nobody understands him like I do, they can't see the nice things about him, he's lovely, really when he isn't messing with my head or beating me up'

inmyshoos · 21/02/2020 14:06

@AtrociousCircumstance with all respect my dc are absolutely fine. I might be romanticising fair enough... I'll take that. But my dc are ok. They are my priority. Always and everything about there well being tells me I'm doing an OK job there.

I don't think my dp is abusive at all. He is damaged. Its not his fault. Maybe we both aren't helping each other... Maybe that's a possibility but he is not an abuser and I'm not his enabler. I can see clearly his needs come before mine most of the time and I'm saying this isn't OK for me. Perhaps it's OK for some of the time but not at this level.
I'm aware. Im not emotionally constipated on any level, I'm just tired and exhausted dealing with it all.

Thank you for all the replies. I do appreciate the time people take to respond.

OP posts:
inmyshoos · 21/02/2020 14:09

their well being

OP posts:
XelaM · 21/02/2020 14:11

Omg OP - I completely accidentally came across your post and I could have written every word. I'm almost in an identical position and it's uncanny how familiar this all sounds!

inmyshoos · 21/02/2020 14:11

Im sorry I sound defensive in that message. I'm tired. I hear what you are all saying.
I'm listening and appreciate the responses... Even the ones that are hard to read.

OP posts:
12345kbm · 21/02/2020 14:12

I can see clearly his needs come before mine most of the time and I'm saying this isn't OK for me. Perhaps it's OK for some of the time but not at this level.

But that isn't going to change OP. You've tried talking to him about it and he tells you that that isn't the kind of relationship he wants with you. He doesn't want an adult, mutually supportive relationship. He backs away from that. He wants you to support him and be his crutch.

What are you getting out of this relationship OP? I don't mean as in, him supporting your needs. I mean, what is your pay off here? Does it make you feel good to be the strong one? Does it make you feel like a good, selfless person? Do you feel validated?

inmyshoos · 21/02/2020 14:12

@XelaM hope you are ok. Not easy.

OP posts:
12345kbm · 21/02/2020 14:13

It's natural to feel defensive because it's like someone pressing on a bruise. It's raw and hurts and you already feel drained and vulnerable. You're protecting yourself which is normal.

redastherose · 21/02/2020 14:15

It honestly sounds like this relationship really can't work. You are too vulnerable yourself to be able to cope with his variable mental state. It sounds like its way too intense for 18 months in and you shouldn't have to prop up his mental health at the expense of your own. It is very true that you can't make someone else better and your actions alone cannot make your relationship work. Relationships are a two way street and at the moment he is taking up both sides!

If you don't want to end the relationship totally then I think you should completely step back from him and say that if he wants free and easy then that is fine but it means that you are not going to be there to prop him up you will see him when he is well and when he isn't then you will keep apart.

You have children to consider and you are running on empty.

MitziK · 21/02/2020 14:22

Plenty of damaged people live without destroying the people who love them. Plenty of damaged people provide equal support to their girlfriends and boyfriends without making everything about keeping them happy.

Some of the greatest abusers are professional victims. Never anything good happening to them, everything is always about something that happened to them in the past, no joys can be shared because they always have to turn it round to them and their feelings. Need investigation for suspected cancer? They're in a state because they're upset. Bereaved suddenly? Oh, they've been bereaved and it was so much worse because...and you being sad is forgetting about how bad they feel...want to be told that they love you and will be there for you? Oh, that's too much pressure....because it's not all about them.

And if there's the slightest hint that some of their behaviour could be seen as being abusive? HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT TO ME YOU KNOW I'M NOT AN ABUSER IT'S NOT MY FAULT I MIGHT AS WELL KILL MYSELF NOW YOU'RE A HORRIBLE PERSON TO ABUSE ME IN THIS WAY SOB SOB.

inmyshoos · 21/02/2020 14:28

@mitzik what you are describing doesn't sound like my dp. I appreciate that exists but it's not how he is.

@12345kbm he doesn't back away... He wants to be in this relationship as a fully functional adult, he just knows he isn't capable of it a considerable amount of the time which adds to his feelings of hopelessness.

I will step back for now. Leave him to try and get into a better place. I do look after myself and my dc but it doesn't make me feel any less sad about my relationship.
He is a lovely person. He is just ill.
Thanks for all the replies.

OP posts:
Menora · 21/02/2020 14:30

You feel defensive because you now feel responsible for him and his emotions. You also have gone far enough down the road that you are completely clouded by ‘what it could be like’ and not what it is actually like

You do know deep down that he is not in a good place for a RS and there is no knowing when he will be.

Ultimately he sadly cannot give you what you need. And he may never be able to. That does not make you selfish but it is making you blind to what your life could be like, and you are both robbing yourselves of any happiness

12345kbm · 21/02/2020 14:36

he just knows he isn't capable of it

Well there's your answer OP. He can say what he likes but his actions tell you that he's never going to be there for you because he 'isn't capable of it'.

CousinKrispy · 21/02/2020 14:38

As you know, therapy differs tremendously depending on the therapist ... I'm sorry you had a bad experience with the previous one you accessed through your GP, but that doesn't mean that counselling couldn't benefit you with a different therapist.

Does your work provide access to any counselling? Or could you ask for a different therapist via your GP, or explore online options? I feel like you getting some support would be of so much value here.

LonginesPrime · 21/02/2020 14:39

He is a lovely person. He is just ill

It's a long term illness though - it's not going to go away and there's no way if separating the lovely person from the person with MH issues.

I've been in a relationship similar to yours, OP. It's just a continuous cycle where there are moments of clarity that give you hope for the future that they do understand and do love you. And the it descends into chaos again and you have to hang on to the fact there have been good times in between to stay afloat. And then there's a lot of reflection again and further moments of clarity and love.

You can be sure that the cycle will continue, but IMO, it's a mistake to think that it will ever end and result in just having the good times.

inmyshoos · 21/02/2020 14:41

@CousinKrispy I will look into it. Thank you. I do have a good friend... A gp who has a background in psychotherapy. She is a huge support but I don't want to weigh too heavily on her. She is my friend not my therapist.

OP posts:
12345kbm · 21/02/2020 14:43

She is my friend not my therapist.

Indeed.

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